My friend gave me the idea...I'm sorry.
Yes, I kind of am mocking them, although I do sincerely love the first book of the series. I won't get into detail about that though.
Edward, Bella, Grandma Swan, and Jacob are (c) Stephenie Meyer. I do not claim to own these characters in any way. This is an entirely fan-written piece of writing based around predeveloped characters for the sake of humor.
Edward, Bella, Grandma Swan, and Jacob are apart of the Twilight Saga.
Grandma Swan was a crotchety old woman. Her lips were thin and stretched taut across her cheekbones: her eyes were black, beady, and accusatory. Her nose was the sharpest angle; her eyebrows were slim and angular, set into a permanent, incredulous glance. She had a sharp tongue and a mouth that was always prepared to open wide and shout at who ever dared upset her.
Despite all this, however, Bella truly loved her grandmother. When she wasn't hollering Bella's ears off, that was. But when Charlie handed her a cute picnic basket with red plaid cloth spread throughout it, Bella didn't object when he asked her to take it over to her grandmother's house. Bella smiled and nodded at her father, picking up the basket and taking it out to her old, worn down red truck.
On the way to the little cottage about fifty miles out of town, Bella dropped by Edward's house to let him know where she would be. Edward's eyebrows furrowed together as he gripped her shoulders. Why didn't she want him to drive her? He was baffled by her insistent requests that she drive alone. He argued that he would get there faster; she argued that her father had asked only her to go. She bit her lip and thought of what Charlie would say if he ever found out Edward came along with her to visit Grandma Swan. She also wondered what Grandma Swan would say about Edward. After that thought crossed her mind, she was firm in her belief that Edward was not to come with her.
Edward frowned but kissed her forehead lightly, wished her luck on her trip, and retreated back into the house.
Bella noticed something cold brush against her bare hand: looking up curiously, she saw frail snowflakes drifting slowly down from the clouds. Smiling and sighing a bit, she turned into her car, cranked up the heater, and pulled her crimson jacket over her shoulders. She placed a ruby red blanket to sit across her lap as well. She pulled out of the Cullen's driveway and began her drive towards her grandmother's house.
The drive went by quickly, thanks to her mind whirling around topics she didn't really want to think about. In no time at all, she arrived at the edge of the road. Sighing, she folded up the blanket and grabbed the basket. This was where the road ended and the fifteen-or-so minute walk began. She peered into the basket to find that everything was intact, if not the slightest bit cold.
She continued down the snow flecked dirt walkway towards her grandmother's house. It was eerily quiet along her journey. She pulled the jacket closer to her body, shivering while staring into the deep woods. Soon, the trees swallowed her into their fearsome belly; it was dark. Bella reached into her jacket pocket and found the flashlight she had been bright enough to bring. Flicking it on, she held it aloft in front of her to help guide her way.
Suddenly, she heard ruffling coming from her left. Stopping abruptly, she spun on her heel to stare into the depths of the woods. After a long, pregnant moment she slowly began forward again, cautiously, starting to second guess her decision to come alone. It was only another moment later that more rustling came. She jumped, nearly dropping the basket.
"Show yourself!" she yelled out, anxious and frightened. She glared into the woods to hide her fear. Slowly, the lanky figure of her friend, Jacob, came forth from the shadows. Bella released a gasp of breath: thank heavens it was only Jacob! She placed her hand on her heart as she walked towards him.
Jacob smiled awkwardly at her. He stared down at the basket in her hands, then up into her face. "Hey, Bells," he said. He paused. "Where are you heading with that food? I didn't know people picnicked in this area – or in this weather."
Bella smiled. "My grandmother lives in one of the cottages up here," she explained. "My dad wants me to take her this basket. It's snowing, and all, which means that she won't be getting visitors from her friends. So we both figured that a visit from her granddaughter would cheer her up a bit."
He fidgeted, as if to say "oh," and looked down the path in the direction Bella was traveling. "I hate to ask you this, but would you mind if I had a bite? I haven't had anything to eat in a really long time and I don't feel much like hunting."
Bella looked down at her hands, which were clasped around the faux wood handle of the basket. "I don't know if that's a good idea," she admitted. "My grandmother can be quite horrible. If she found out I gave away some of her food…," Bella didn't finish. She looked up into Jacob's face, only to be startled by his very potent anger.
"But I'm your friend!" he argued. Bella sighed, frowning at him. "Yes, that's true," she said. "But my grandmother comes first, I'm sorry. You can hunt. I'll talk to you later, okay? I'm real sorry, Jake."
Jacob glared at her. "Sure, sure," he said. He walked off into the woods, quickly disappearing from Bella's sight.
She sighed heavily at her friend, but continued on her way. She had killed about seven minutes of her walk previously; so, she deducted, she had a mere seven or so minutes to go. Her steps became somewhat of a rhythm, matched with her breathings. Step – breath – step – breath – shiver. Lather, rinse, repeat.
After what seemed to be a much longer time than her drive down, she arrived at the cottage. She knocked upon the cute little door, peering into one of the windows at the same time. "Grandma?" she called out nervously. "Are you in there, Grandma? Hello?"
When she didn't receive a response, she tried the doorknob. It opened easily. She stepped in, looking around for her grandmother.
She came across her grandmother's bedroom, in which a large, human-shaped lump sat. The sleeping hat was pulled over most of its forehead, with the blankets pulled up to its chin. Bella cautiously called out: "Grandma?"
The thing tilted its head back to reveal its eyes. It seemed to be her grandmother, but something also seemed a bit off. The eyes were a different shade of brown; the skin was much too dark for a little old lady who spent most of her days indoors. Also, the lump was very long – way too long to pass by safely for a grandmother with scoliosis.
Bella was suspicious. "Hello, grandmother," she said coolly.
"Hello, Bella!" the lump said in a false soprano voice.
"…My, grandmother, you've gotten so much bigger since the last time I've seen you."
The lump coughed. "All the better to reach for things, my dear."
"…My, grandmother, your skin sure has gotten a lot darker since the last time I've seen you."
The lump, once again, coughed and squirmed as if nervous. "All the better for the gardening, my dear."
"…My, grandmother, what dark eyes you've gotten since the last time I've seen you."
This time, the lump had no response: but by this point Bella had a good idea of who was in the bed. "Jacob – what the hell did you do with my grandma!?"
Jacob sat up in the bed, yanking the hat off of his head. It was torn in certain places from his forceful grabbing. "I didn't do anything hurtful towards her. I'm just hungry, okay? Sorry if I upset you."
"Where the hell is my grandma!?" Bella shouted at him angrily. She got into his face and screamed in it. "If you hurt a hair on my grandmother's head, Jacob – "
Suddenly, the door banged open and Edward came strolling in, fury written clearly across his features. Jacob snarled, apparently so distracted by what was happening in front of him that he hadn't smelled Edward before he had come in. Edward walked up to Jacob and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, so fast Jacob didn't even know what was happening. "Where is Bella's grandmother," Edward snarled venomously.
Jacob glared up at Edward. "Like I'm telling you, bloodsucker – "
Edward threw Jacob against the wall, just soft enough that he didn't break the drywall. "Tell me where her goddamn grandmother is!" Edward said in a low, dangerous voice. Jacob rubbed at his head but stood up quickly, looking from Bella to Edward, back to Bella again.
"She's in the goddamn closet," he muttered, stalking off. "Thanks a lot for helping me eat, Bella."
They stood, still as marble statues while Jacob stalked from the house and back into the woods. Then, without skipping a beat, the bolted to the closet and found the grandmother fast asleep, fully clothed and intact. Edward and Bella stared at each other, wondering how she could have slept through all that.
Edward, with a touch as light as a feather, picked her up and gently placed her on the bed. Bella placed the basket on the dresser table, having written a quick note explaining her visit and the fact that she didn't wake her grandmother up to say hello. When they had cleaned up the mess of the encounter, returned any fallen lamps or knickknacks to their original place, Edward and Bella smiled at each other. Bella placed a nervous kiss against her grandmother's lips and the two tiptoed from the room, exiting the house (after locking the door behind them).