After All, an one life to live fanfic

AN: don't own them, don't want to, never gonna. Don't sue, please. I need all the money I have to move with!

This fic has a NC-17 warning! If you are offended or disgusted by sex then don't read past the 5th verse of the song I used.

After All

Well, here we are again;
I guess it must be fate.
We've tried it on our own,
But deep inside we've known
We'd be back to set things straight.

Natalie felt sad as she contemplated the events of the past year. Sitting on the roof top bench at the angel square hotel helped her put her thoughts into order. She had kept her promise to herself and had lived her life with out a man to lose herself to and she was actually happy she had done that. She missed John with every beat of her heart but she didn't miss how he had treated her those last few months they had been together. It had been difficult to break it off but it had been the right thing to do. It had given her a chance to grow as a person, to find herself again and discover what she wanted to do with her life.

But deep inside even thru all the pain and anguish she had always felt that she and John weren't finished that somehow things would be different and they would be together. She still loved him and probably always would but they had gotten back to finally being friends again and she wasn't sure if either of them wanted to risk it again. It would be too hard to get it back a third time if something went wrong. Too painful. Yet it felt as if her world was off kilter and incomplete with out John in it. She wanted to share it with him, the good, the bad, and the great. That's why she was up here, trying to decide if she should take the risk and approach John about being together again. She knew he still loved her, that he hadn't stopped and was just as wary about messing up what they had as she was.

John stalked to his room at the angel square hotel in a foul mood. His day had been long and arduous because of the increase in hate crimes courtesy of the One Pure People. The OPP? That was the dumbest name he had ever heard of and that was saying something. Who did they think they were an old crappy rap band? In the past year they had torched and vandalized much of Llanview. But today they had finally found the leaders of the group and had brought them in and arrested them, hence the long day. Now all he wanted was a long hot shower a beer and maybe some good company.

Of course that thought always brought his mind back to one person, Natalie. She was the one person that he just couldn't go a whole day with out talking to. He had thought many times in the past year she would give him some sign that she wanted to get back together but she hadn't and he didn't know what to do with that. He didn't know if he should broach the subject or if he should let her set the course of their friendship. He didn't want to put any unnecessary strain or awkwardness on their relationship with his desires yet he also wanted a lot more then friendship.

He had always wanted more then just to be friends. He hadn't wanted to break up and he certainly hadn't wanted to stay that way for more than a year. Many times during the past year he had almost kissed her or said something that was way outside the bounds of just simple friends but he had stopped himself. He had told himself it was because he didn't want to ruin what they still had but if he was completely honest with himself it had more to do with plain old fear. He was afraid she would reject him, and she had ever reason to after the way he had treated her when they had been together.

He sighed and sat on the couch. He missed her so much, missed all the things they used to do together and somehow he had always thought that things would work out no matter what. He still felt that way. He had to, or he would never be able to get up in the morning. That belief kept him going, kept him sane even amidst all the craziness in his life.

I still remember when
Your kiss was so brand new.
Every memory repeats,
Every step I take retreats,
Every journey always brings me back to you.

Natalie sighed again and took another sip of her now warm beer. She remembered the first time she had kissed John. It had been in the middle of the whole music box killer fiasco but that's not what she remembered most about it. What she remembered most was how right it had felt, how he had tasted, how he had clutched her head in his hands as he dug his fingers in her hair to hold her mouth to his. She had thought about that kiss constantly for months afterward, over and over, until she thought she would go crazy.

John took out another beer from his fridge, went back to the couch and flicked on the tv. The time that he had sat here with Natalie and had a beer with her flashed thru his brain and he smiled. That had been a good night for them. It seemed like things would finally work out for them after that night. After the whole Chris thing he had been sure he had lost her forever but the tornado had struck and had helped them bridge the distance between them and had brought them together again. It had seemed like fate at the time and he wanted that back again.

After all the stops and starts,
We keep coming back to these two hearts,
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall.
After all that we've been through,
It all comes down to me and you.
I guess it's meant to be,
Forever you and me, after all.

Natalie shook herself out of her thoughts and looked up at the starry sky. She was reminded of the time that John had talked to her after the tornado. He had told her to imagine them back here on the roof looking up at the stars. That was also the night she had almost died once again. That seemed to happen to her a lot but John also seemed to always be there when she needed him.

From her getting with Paul, then him wanting to start something to her being scared. Even then he had been there for her. Then when Haver tried to strangle her and had then strapped a bomb to her and tried to blow her up, John had been there yet again. They always seemed to be around one another. When she had been in that pit she had thought it was over and that they had lost their chance it had seemed hopeless but John had come to her yet again and saved her. They had come together then and it had been beautiful... until Chris. After that she had thought nothing would be right ever again but the pull had been too strong and she had decided that nothing else mattered except that they be together. And they had been until again something had come between them... Spencer, yet again.

John stood up and grabbed the rest of the 6-pack and headed to the hallway. He was feeling claustrophobic. He had begun to think about the car crash that had almost taken his life. Natalie had been his reason for living and that hadn't changed at all. She was the one thing he had clung to and she was the one that brought him out of the overwhelming blackness he had been sinking into. She had literally saved his soul. When he had woken up he had known with a bone deep certainty that he loved her, that he couldn't live with out her in his life. But he had screwed that up because he had put revenge, for that's what it really had been, ahead her feelings and their future. He would always regret that he thought as he headed for the roof to clear his head.

When love is truly right
(this time it's truly right.)
It lives from year to year.
It changes as it goes,
Oh, and on the way it grows,
But it never disappears,

Natalie pried herself from her thoughts after a long while. She had actually come to a decision about what to do about John. Her memories of him had helped her a great deal and she knew now what she had to do. Picking up her 2 empty bottles she headed for the door but gasped in surprise when it was flung open and John stepped out on to the roof.

They stared at each other in shock for a full minute then as if pulled by an invisible string they stepped closer together. John set his beer on the ground and said huskily, "Natalie."

Natalie took another step closer dropping her bottles. They crashed onto the ground and broke but neither of them noticed. The stars shown down on them as they looked at one another. It seemed impossible that they should met here, tonight, on the roof like this. Natalie flashed back to her earlier memories of her and John's first kiss and flushed with desire. She sighed, "John," as she saw the look in his eyes. He wanted her, a lot.

John too flashed back to his earlier memories of the evening as he had thought about the night he and Natalie had come back from Bangkok and had made love again after being apart for so long. With out thinking he reached for her and brought her face to his. He bent down and kissed her deeply.

Natalie gasped as John kissed her with out warning then she melted into him and wrapped her arms around his neck kissing him back giving him passion for passion.

Always just beyond my touch,
You know I needed you so much.
After all, what else is livin' for?

Caught up in the moment John pushed Natalie back against the closed door and pressed himself against her. As passion exploded thru them hitting them with the force of a runaway train he savaged her mouth with is as his hands wandered beneath her light cotton shirt and began to caress her bare back. All the restrained passion and the repressed love that he felt for her he poured out in his kiss, willing her to understand what he was trying to tell her.

Emotion vibrated thru Natalie as she clutched at John's neck, unprepared for the onslaught of love and lust he was giving her. Her earlier memories and her decision long forgotten as her passion spiked to match his and she began to move her body against his. Her hips instinctually undulating against his and her hands began to wander down his chest feeling his groan that rumbled thru him.

Feeling her acquiescence John fumbled for her pants, not wanting to give her time to change her mind. He had thought about this for more than a year and he didn't think he could wait any longer. He was already fiercely aroused and he knew by the way Natalie moaned and thrust against him that she was ready too. He got the pants open and shoved them down her legs, not waiting a second before he brought his hands back to her pubic mound and cupped her moist heat.

Natalie moaned and kicked off her pants. She hurriedly reached for his pants but he distracted her by sliding a finger thru her soaked curls and into her hot core. She moaned at the feel of him inside her and thrust against his hand. Her passion shot up another notch as he stroked her expertly and with a stunned cry she climaxed. Her head reeled at the quickness of it all but before she could collect her thoughts John had shoved down his own pants, lifted her up by the butt and wrapped her legs around his waist.

John was frantic with need. It had been so long since he had made love to anyone. Not since that last time he and Natalie had been together. He wanted her, NOW. He knew it was fast, too fast, but he couldn't help himself. He pulled her body down on his throbbing erection and moaned as she sheathed him, taking him to the hilt.

Natalie felt him sink into her and cried out with renewed passion. Her inner muscles still rippled from her first orgasm and they clenched around him making them both groan. She clutched at John's shoulders as he pushed her hard into the wall and began to thrust into her quickly. The sensation made her head spin and she held on for dear life.

John was crazy with love and lust for her. He pumped in to Natalie again and again reaching desperately for what only she could give him. He brought her mouth down to his and kissed her deeply thrusting his tongue into her mouth, mimicking his lower movements. His body felt like an inferno of need and desire as he slid into her welcoming heat. He was close, so close, "Natalie," he cried out.

The word sent Natalie over the edge yet again and she screamed out as she tumbled over. Her inner muscles contracted and released on his shaft hard and deep and the sensation sent John spiraling into his own release. Moaning and gasping he exploded inside her clutching her tightly against him. As they came back to earth they slumped against one another panting harshly.

After a minute John go his breathing back under control and the realization of what he had just done hit him. He pulled away from Natalie and yanked up his pants. For Christ sake he had practically jumped her! He couldn't looke her in the eye as he mumbled, "I'm so sorry."

Natalie was still dazed from the suddenness of their passion but stiffened when she heard his apology. "Its ok," she mumbled, mortified that she had let him take her and he was apologizing!

"No, its not. I practically jumped you. It's just that I was in my room thinking about you, about how much I missed being with you and then suddenly there you were. I... I..." John couldn't finish his awkward explanation. He still stared at the ground as Natalie redressed. But he was forced to look up when Natalie cupped his face and made him look at her.

"It's ok. I was actually thinking about you up here. About how much I love you and miss what we had." Natalie told him softly. She could see in his face that he still loved her, she had known that all along, but until now she hadn't known just how much he still wanted to be together.

John was stunned. She had just said she loved him. As in now, at this present moment. He felt slightly dazed and confused at that, like he was in a dream. "If I am I never want to wake up" he thought to himself. It was his every wish come true. He saw the tender loving look on her face that belied the fierce passion that had just passed between them and he knew that things would finally be right again. They would make them be right again. "I love you too Natalie. Can we... Can we try again?" he asked haltingly.

Natalie smiled widely, this felt right, like it was meant to happen. He heart felt like it was full to bursting with her love for him and she nodded, "Yeah, I'd like that." She took his hand and opened to roof door, going down to his room together. Hand in hand, as they were meant to be. "I'd like that a lot."

The End