I dislike the way the relationship between Olivia and Amanda is portrayed on the show, so I wanted to create a much friendlier, closer, more affectionate dynamic between them in this story. Takes place in the upcoming season 18, although Noah, Jesse, and Frannie don't exist.
xxx
"I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you"
xxx
It is late Friday night after a long week of work and instead of being at home alone in her silent, peaceful apartment, Olivia Benson is perched precariously on a rickety lawn chair at the local drive-in movie theater, surrounded by her colleagues. Fin's car is parked right behind them, the sound blaring out of the speakers, the screen in front of them blazing brightly in the nighttime darkness. The sky above them had been clear when they had arrived a couple of hours ago for the first movie, the stars twinkling and the moon shining, but the clouds have slowly gathered throughout the course of the evening and now it appears that rain is threatening.
This is not Olivia's usual choice for a fun activity outside of work; she had enjoyed the first movie well enough, but is not looking forward to the second one, some goofy action/comedy film that she has never even heard of but that Fin and Carisi seem to be particularly psyched about. Amanda, who is sitting next to her in an equally rickety chair, seems not to care either way about the movie that is just ending now and the one that will start after intermission. It seems like she is only there with them because she has nothing better to do with her time, and Olivia glances at her out of the corner of her eye, observing the smaller woman's slumped form, her chin in her hand, her eyes half open like she is bored or might drift off to sleep at any moment.
Amanda herself is the only reason Olivia had agreed to come tonight, when she had received the invitation from Carisi to join her colleagues at the drive-in, something fun to end the work week with, something to take their minds off of the horror and depravity they deal with on a daily basis. Her first inclination was to decline, wanting nothing more than a quiet evening alone, but when she had overheard Amanda agreeing to join Carisi and Fin, Olivia had suddenly been more gung-ho about going.
The blonde detective has been concerning her lately, Amanda's behaviour a little off from time to time, nothing too out of the ordinary, but enough for Olivia to take notice of. Amanda has become increasingly more withdrawn over the past few weeks, speaking and smiling less, her clothes hanging more loosely than they once had as if she is losing weight, purple smudges of exhaustion standing out underneath her bright blue eyes. The change has been so gradual that Olivia has a feeling she may have been the only one to notice and has sometimes chastised herself for imaging things; that Amanda is actually fine and there is nothing wrong, but she can't shake the feeling that something isn't quite right with her detective.
The credits of the first movie are now scrolling on the giant screen and Fin and Carisi get out of their chairs, taking this opportunity for another food run, even though they still have leftovers from the meals they had purchased when they had first arrived. They ask Olivia and Amanda if they want anything, both women declining, and Olivia watches the flurry of activity from the vehicles around them, as everyone races for the snack bar and the washrooms before the next movie begins.
She glances over at Amanda once again, the smaller woman in the exact same position, looking uncomfortable in her chair and letting out a soft sigh.
"You okay?" Olivia asks quietly, and Amanda turns to look at her, eyebrows raised slightly, seemingly surprised that Olivia is still seated next to her and hadn't joined their colleagues in the long line at the concession stand.
"Yeah, I'm fine," she mumbles, her tone somewhat puzzled. "Why do you ask?"
"I was just wondering," Olivia replies lightly, not wanting to start a deep conversation when they are only a few minutes away from the beginning of the next movie, and she knows they will be rejoined by their co-workers soon. "I just wanted to let you know that you can talk to me about anything you want, alright?"
Amanda is frowning at her now, the younger woman crossing her arms in front of her. "What are you talking about, Olivia? Talk to you about what?"
"Anything," Olivia murmurs, reaching out to lay a gentle hand on the detective's sweatshirt-clad arm.
Amanda's frown becomes deeper and she pulls her arm away, tucking it against her chest, drawing her legs up onto the chair and huddling into herself like she is cold or trying to hide. "There's nothing to talk about," she says firmly.
"I know something is wrong, Amanda," Olivia says softly. "I've noticed that you haven't been yourself lately."
Amanda is silent for a moment, regarding her intently in the darkness, before looking away. "Well, maybe you should take notice of someone else instead," she finally mumbles. "I'm fine, Liv."
Before Olivia can respond, a large drop of rain splashes down onto her head, followed by another and another, until it is raining quite steadily and she and Amanda quickly fold up their chairs, along with Fin and Carisi's, tucking them into the trunk of the car, and ducking into the backseat. Olivia finds herself both relieved and disappointed, as she figures they will be leaving now due to the weather and she won't have to be subjected to the next film, but wanting to spend more time with Amanda, hoping the other woman will open up to her at some point.
Fin and Carisi return to the vehicle, sliding into the front seat, arms overflowing with hotdogs and hamburgers and popcorn, trying to balance huge cups of soda, as if they hadn't just scarfed down much of the same food only a couple of hours before, both seemingly unconcerned by the fact that the rain is getting harder by the minute.
"Uh, shouldn't we be leaving?" Olivia pipes up, taking notice of the fact that the guys seem to be settling comfortably into their seats, chowing down on their food, eyes fixed on the screen as the next movie begins, the theme music already loud and irritating.
Carisi glances back at her, a slight frown on his face, a smear of mustard across one cheek. "Why would we leave?"
Olivia resists the urge to roll her eyes. "Because it's raining? And it's getting colder by the minute. We can barely see the screen now."
"No problem there," Fin replies, turning on the car. "We can just run the heat and the windshield wipers whenever we need to."
"That's stupid, Fin. You're running your car battery down and you're annoying everyone else with the lights. It's rude," Amanda points out, but her tone is resigned, like she already knows they are going to be stuck here for the next couple of hours and there's not much she can do about it.
"It's fine," Fin says, with an unconcerned wave of his hand. "I'll just keep turning it on and off as needed, so we don't get too cold and the screen is still watchable. Everyone else is going to be doing the same thing, so no worries. Shut up now, okay? I'm trying to listen."
Olivia hears Amanda give a disgruntled huff, the smaller woman curling into herself on the seat beside her, looking vulnerable and miserable in her sweatshirt and jeans, and she thinks she sees a shiver run through the small blonde. She spots an old brightly patterned quilt on the floor by her feet and lifts it up, spreading it across the both of them, Amanda's lip quirking up at the side in what might pass for a brief smile of thanks.
Olivia is starting to feel rather cold herself as the time passes, wishing they had just gone home after the first movie. Fin has turned the car back off and it is quite chilly inside now, the darkness wrapping around them, everyone silent, the only sound the silly characters on the screen in front of them. She finds herself unconsciously moving closer to Amanda in the backseat, seeking some warmth and feeling the need to be near the other woman, something about her colleague's behaviour just not sitting right with her. She looks over at her, trying to catch Amanda's eye, but the detective is staring straight ahead, not noticing Olivia's attempts to get her attention.
Olivia moves her arm a bit closer on the seat, so their hands are nearer to one another, but Amanda still doesn't move or give any indication that she even cares if Olivia is sitting there or not, and she notices another slight shiver run through the blonde detective, the small woman pulling the blanket up higher against her chest. Olivia feels determined to get her attention in some way, wanting to connect with the younger woman even though it is not really the time or place, a concerning amount of unhappiness and dejection seeming to radiate from her colleague.
There seem to be some issues with the volume, the sound raising and lowering on its own, and the movie is blaring inside the car now, Olivia wincing inwardly before it ratchets down a notch. Fin and Carisi seem completely engaged with the nonsense on screen and are totally oblivious to what's going on in the backseat, laughing loudly at the antics of the characters as they munch on their popcorn and sip their giant drinks.
Olivia shifts slightly closer to Amanda underneath the blanket, their hands beside each other on the seat now, her pinky finger brushing up against the other woman's. She sees Amanda give her a quick glance before looking away, her attention seemingly focused on the screen, but Olivia can tell she is not paying attention and her mind is elsewhere.
"What's wrong?" she whispers.
Amanda is silent, still looking straight ahead, and Olivia is pretty sure that the smaller woman isn't ignoring her; she just can't hear her over the cacophonous sound of the film, so she gently nudges the detective's finger with her own.
Amanda looks over at her again, one eyebrow slightly arched in silent question, and Olivia repeats herself, this time mouthing it instead of actually speaking the words, since she doesn't think she will be heard.
Amanda frowns and puts her hand up to her ear, indicating that she can't hear her and apparently can't read lips either, and Olivia sighs, before pulling her cell phone out of her pocket and sending the other woman a quick text. Amanda's phone is in her lap and it lights up immediately, even though the sound is drowned out by the noise of the movie, and Olivia thinks she sees a brief flicker of amusement on the blonde detective's face, the ridiculousness of texting each other while sitting side by side, before she picks it up to read the message.
Olivia has asked what is wrong for the third time, this time in print, and she watches the smaller woman frown again as she reads the mesage. Amanda hesitates for a moment before her thumbs move against the screen and then Olivia sees her typing.
"Nothing," is the short reply.
Now Olivia is the one who is frowning, although she has to admit that she hadn't expected the younger woman to actually be truthful with her, and she types a quick response.
"I don't believe you."
She looks at the other woman again and sees the slight roll of her eyes, Amanda avoiding her gaze as she texts back.
"I'm fine."
Olivia becomes aware that Amanda is shifting farther away from her on the seat, her shoulders hunching up underneath her sweatshirt, and she knows she should drop it, that she should just leave the other woman alone, but there is something so forlorn and sad in her expression, that she can't stop herself from texting yet again.
"Please talk to me."
This time Amanda's response is very fast, her thumbs flying over the screen.
"How can I talk to you when we can't even hear each other? I said I'm fine, Liv. Please just drop it."
Olivia can see that the younger woman is practically pressed up against the inside of the car door now, like she is trying to escape the situation, and thinks she can detect a slight trembling in her small frame, and she bites her lip in hesitation before responding.
"We can talk outside the car. Or you can just type it out."
Amanda is turned away from her now, her face practically against the window as she types.
"It's pouring rain out there. I'm not getting out of the car. Please just leave me alone."
Amanda is still facing away from her, the shaking of her body more noticeable now, and Olivia glances toward the front, making sure Fin and Carisi are still focused on the screen in front of them, before sliding over slowly on the seat, her hand gently brushing up against the side of the smaller woman's thigh underneath the blanket. She both sees and feels the sharp flinch, Amanda seemingly surprised by this touch, but Olivia holds her hand there for a moment, feeling the trembling of the small detective's body through the material of her jeans.
She is very concerned now, not understanding what is going on and wrestling internally with whether or not to leave the other woman alone, but ultimately deciding not to back off, and continues to sit close to her. She wishes they were alone in the car so she could turn the volume down on this ridiculous movie that she can't believe she has wasted her money on; actually wants to turn it off entirely so she and Amanda can have a conversation. She doesn't want to alert Fin and Carisi to the fact that something is wrong with their colleague, though, as Amanda's behaviour is so standoffish and reluctant, and she doesn't think the smaller woman would appreciate all of the attention focused on her.
She decides to send another text, still keeping herself in very close proximity to her co-worker.
"I'm here for you."
She watches as Amanda stifles a sigh before looking down at her phone again and is surprised to see her expression crumple slightly as she reads the message, the other woman biting down so hard on her lower lip, Olivia wonders if she has drawn blood.
The return message is simple:
"Thanks."
Amanda's teeth are still digging into her lip and Olivia realizes why when she sees a single tear slip from her eye, rolling slowly down her cheek to drip onto the sweatshirt she is huddled into. The smaller woman appears to be desperately trying to reign in her emotions, and it is obvious Amanda is aware of the fact that Olivia has seen the tear, because she only turns her face farther away from her.
"What's so interesting out there?" Fin suddenly asks, and Olivia jumps slightly, startled, moving surreptitiously away from the smaller woman on the seat as she realizes Fin is staring at the younger woman in the rear view mirror.
"What?" Amanda asks, and her voice is slightly strangled, a bit choked up.
"Out the window," Fin responds, turning around partway in his seat to regard his partner. "The movie is this way, Amanda. You're looking out the wrong window."
Olivia is still glancing at her out of the corner of her eye and sees Amanda's small smirk. "Thanks for stating the obvious, Fin," she replies, quickly swiping a hand over her cheek. "This movie is so terrible, I thought I would look away for a little while."
"What are you talking about?" Carisi speaks up, his tone incredulous. "This movie is great!"
"Says you, Carisi," Amanda replies dryly. "It figures you would like this crap."
"Are you saying you're too classy for a movie of this caliber?" Fin teases.
"Yup, that's exactly what I'm saying," Amanda sighs, and before either of the men can respond, there is a giant explosion on the screen and their attention is diverted once again.
Olivia takes this opportunity to look over at her colleague, and is surprised to see Amanda looking back at her this time, that slightly crumpled expression on her face again, another tear clinging to her long lashes. She resists the sudden urge she has to reach out and wipe it away, her heart clenching at the other woman's demeanor, again wondering what is wrong and wishing she and Amanda were by themselves in the vehicle.
She knows there is still at least another hour left of this awful film, so they will be stuck here for awhile longer, trapped inside the small car with Fin and Carisi, who are laughing uproariously once again, as the rain beats down harder against the windows, the windshield wipers moving more quickly now. Olivia doesn't see a point in even staying, as the screen is getting harder and harder to see as the weather outside continues to worsen, but she knows the guys will want to see it through to the end. The car has been turned on and off multiples times now, as Fin is trying to conserve the battery but also wanting to be able to see the screen when the rains gets too hard.
Olivia slowly slides her hand across the seat underneath the blanket, her pinky finger brushing up against Amanda's once more, and the smaller woman doesn't move away this time; just sits there with her head down, staring at her lap, long hair obscuring her face in a blonde curtain. She wants to move the hair aside so she can see her colleague's expression again, wants to know if Amanda is crying, but instead she just moves her finger back and forth against the other woman's, letting her know that she is there and trying to offer what little comfort she can in the situation they are in.
She is quite surprised when Amanda begins to shift closer to her, the smaller woman wrapping her pinky finger around Olivia's, but still keeping her head down and not making eye contact. Olivia squeezes her finger briefly and feels Amanda squeeze back, and she carefully moves closer to the younger woman once again, making sure her movements don't alert either Fin or Carisi in the front seat. She wants to try to ease the detective's pain, even if she has no idea what that pain is, and the only way to do it at this moment is through carefully concealed physical touch, since Amanda won't get out of the vehicle and won't explain to her over text what is going on.
They sit there for several minutes, side by side, their bodies not quite touching but their smallest fingers still clenched tightly together, and finally Olivia untangles her finger from Amanda's and slides her hand on top of the younger woman's, her skin cold and clammy against her touch. She is still very concerned about the detective's state of mind, but is glad that Amanda is at least responding to her now, and she rubs her hand gently back and forth along the back of the other woman's hand, trying to bring some warmth into her skin. She feels Amanda turn her hand over so her palm is facing upwards, and Olivia slides her own palm on top of the the other woman's, linking their fingers together and giving her another squeeze, Amanda squeezing back right away again.
They sit that way for quite some time, holding hands under the blanket, Olivia's thumb stroking soothingly across the other woman's skin, until Fin suddenly announces that he is starving yet again and is going to brave the driving rain to dash to the snack counter for more food, and Carisi readily agrees with him, saying he is hungry as well and will join him. The vehicle is turned off, the windshield wipers going still against the front glass, and the men swing their car doors open quickly, slamming them shut again as they take off for the concession stand.
Olivia immediately feels Amanda's hand stiffen in her own, now that they are alone, and the other woman begins pulling away from her, but Olivia holds fast to her hand, giving it a gentle tug so the detective looks over at her.
"What's wrong, Amanda?" she asks softly, seeing the tears glittering in the smaller woman's eyes in the darkness of the vehicle. "Please talk to me."
The younger woman shakes her head and takes a shuddering breath before speaking, her voice coming out haltingly. "I can't. They'll be back soon."
"I'm worried about you," Olivia replies gently, reaching over to smooth the detective's hair away from her face. "You've haven't been yourself lately. Please tell me what's wrong."
Amanda pulls away from her again, covering her face with her hands and turning toward the window, and Olivia can hear a stifled sob. She frowns deeply, her heart aching for her colleague and desperately wanting to know what the problem is, and she lays a hand against Amanda's shuddering back, feeling the smaller woman's heart pounding frantically under her touch.
"Honey." The pet name slips out before she can stop it, and she hears Amanda's breath hitch in her throat, another stifled cry. "If you won't talk to me now, how about you come back to my place after the movie?"
The damn seems to break and Amanda begins to cry openly now, no longer able to hold back her tears, and Olivia glances out the window, relieved to see that there is no sign of Fin or Carisi yet. She moves over on the seat again, grasping the younger woman by the shoulders and gently turning her around, pulling her into her embrace, Amanda collapsing against her and sobbing hard. Olivia enfolds her tightly in her arms, the other woman feeling small and fragile against her, and she rocks her slightly from side to side, murmuring softly into her ear, telling Amanda that everything is okay and she is not alone. The blonde detective is gripping the back of her shirt hard now, crying furiously into her neck, and Olivia is somewhat alarmed by the intensity of her colleague's emotions, and suggests that they ditch the rest of the movie entirely and take a cab back to her apartment so they can talk.
She feels Amanda shake her head against her shoulder, the other woman mumbling that she doesn't want Fin and Carisi to know that something is wrong and that she can hold on until the movie is over. Olivia sighs in frustration, continuing to hold her colleague in a tight embrace, just wanting to get out of this vehicle and away from this ridiculous movie, the rain coming down so hard now that the screen has been completely obscured, and she is thinks how pointless it is to stick it out until the end when the weather is so terrible.
They sit there in silence for a moment, Amanda clinging to her, her face buried into the curve where her shoulder and neck meet, and Olivia can feel the other woman's warm tears on her skin, slipping underneath the collar of the long sleeved T-shirt she is wearing. She listens to the rain drumming steadily against the roof of the car as she runs her fingers through Amanda's silky blonde hair, gently scratching her nails against her scalp, wanting to bring her comfort any way that she can, even though she has no idea what it is going on.
She is surprised at the strength with which the other woman is clinging to her; Amanda not usually the touchy-feely type, very rarely allowing herself to be held or consoled when she is upset about something, but her colleague seems so hungry for comfort, and Olivia wants to give it to her, wants to do everything she can to soothe the small woman in her arms.
"Amanda, I think we should leave" Olivia murmurs into her ear. "You're obviously going through something here. We can just tell the guys you're sick."
She feels Amanda's head shake against her neck. "I don't want to try to get home in this awful weather when we can just stay warm and dry in the car."
"I wish you would talk to me," Olivia says softly. "I want know what's wrong. What are you so upset? What happened?"
She is still stroking her hand through the blonde woman's hair and can feel Amanda's tears continuously hitting her skin. She feels the other woman shake her head again.
"Nothing happened, Liv."
Olivia frowns in confusion, and before she can respond, the doors in the front seat are being jerked open and Fin and Carisi are hurling themselves back into the car, arms laden down with junk food, droplets of water spraying everywhere. She feels Amanda jerk in her arms, obviously startled, and then pull out of her embrace quickly, turning her face toward the window again and dragging the sleeve of her sweatshirt across her eyes.
She lays a hand briefly against the younger woman's back, wanting to maintain some physical contact with her, before Fin turns around to look at them with a grin, not appearing to be the least bit perturbed with the inclement weather. "Man, it's awful out there!"
"Which is why we should leave," Olivia says with a sigh, noticing that Amanda has straightened back up, making an effort to look like everything is fine. "I think we're the only ones left in this parking lot. Everyone else was smart and went home."
"No, we can't leave before the end," Carisi argues. "This movie is epic!"
"An epic fail," Amanda murmurs, and Olivia can still hear the hitch in her tone, but is relieved that the guys don't seem to notice, having turned their attention back to the screen.
"Fin, your car battery is going to die," she admonishes, as the older man turns the key in the ignition and the windshield wipers swipe quickly back and forth against the glass once more. "You're not even allowed to have your car on during the movie."
"Well, what's the difference?" Fin replies in a distracted tone, unable to tear his eyes away from the screen long enough to glance back at her. "If no one else is here anyway, who cares?"
Olivia rolls her eyes but has to agree that he has a point, and it's not her car battery that is slowly having the life drained out of it, so she leans back against the seat, her gaze again seeking out the blonde detective huddled up under the blanket beside her. Amanda's eyes are closed now and her head is tilted down, lower lip trembling like she is trying to hold in another onslaught of tears, and Olivia shifts closer to her yet again, unable to keep much distance between them when the smaller woman is acting this way.
She is bolder in her movements now, knowing neither Fin or Carisi are paying the least bit of attention to them, and she positions her body so she is sitting right next to Amanda, their hips and legs pressed together beneath the scratchy blanket, her hand seeking out the other woman's arm, fingers gripping onto the material of her sweatshirt. She feels Amanda lean slightly into her and resists the urge to wrap a comforting arm around her, instead moving her fingers underneath the sleeve of the detective's shirt, her own skin warm against Amanda's icy cold forearm. She can feel the blonde detective's labouring breaths against her, as if Amanda is either having a panic attack or still trying desperately not to burst into tears, and can feel her pulse fluttering rapidly against her fingertips.
Olivia wants nothing more than to bring the other woman some calm and comfort and she traces her nails along her skin in soothing patterns, feeling Amanda pressing herself closer against her, the shuddering of the other woman's body becoming more apparent again. She can't contain her worry anymore and pulls away slightly to grab her phone again, sending her colleague another text, knowing Amanda won't hear her voice over the blaring of the movie.
"Will you come back to my place after the movie so we can talk?"
Amanda doesn't respond for a moment, curling away from her now that Olivia has pulled away, her head turned toward the window again, the rain rolling down the glass like the tears that had been rolling down the smaller woman's face just moments ago. Her thumbs hover over her phone screen for several seconds before responding.
"I'm really tired, Liv. I think I should just go home."
Olivia frowns, unable to accept this, as Amanda is clearly distraught about something and barely able to keep herself together in front of their co-workers, and she slides her hand over to her again, careful to keep her arm underneath the blanket, grazing her fingers against the other woman's jean-clad leg.
"Please, Amanda. I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone. Whatever you say will stay between the two of us. You can trust me."
There is another long hesitation before Amanda answers and she feels the younger woman's hand touch her own briefly, Olivia breathing a sigh of relief when she reads the words on her phone screen.
"Okay."
xxx
*Song lyrics are from The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You"