Written for: -
GGE - 2017 - Rayniekinnz
Marauder's Map - 4 - Being: Ghost / 91 - Object: Torch/Flashlight
Hogwarts Zoo - (enclosure - Penguins) - Action: Cuddling / Emotion: Lonely / Dialogue: "You wouldn't!"/"Try me." / Word: Mistake
Pinata - Medium: Angst
Fantastic Beasts - 80: Character - Remus / 19: Death
Fortnightly Events - The Fibonacci Sequence - Two person pairing
Fortnightly Events - World of Orphans - Inigo Montoya - (word) Revenge
Seasonal - Days of the Year - 16 Nov- Write about someone fighting prejudice of something
Seasonal - Autumn - (quote) "When the last leaf falls, what will die within us?"
Seasonal - Birthstone - Dialogue: "No one can replace you."
Seasonal - Element - (quote) "The air is the only place free from prejudice."
Seasonal - Ravenclaw - Toppings: (action) eating
Seasonal - Character - Trait - Perceptive
Seasonal - Star Chart - (theme) Murder
Writing Club - Character Appreciation - 24. Rebel
Writing Club - Disney Challenge - Character 5 - Te Fiti - Write about heartbreak
Writing Club - Lizzy's Loft - 3. Colour: Black
Writing Club - Book Club - 13 - Emotion: guilt / Word: alliance / Colour: silver
Writing Club - Showtime - 7: (word) bargain
Writing Club - Amber's Attic - 6 - Write about falling in love with someone you shouldn't - *Bonus 5 points*
Writing Club - Count Your Buttons - Objects: 5 - Fireworks, Word 2: Explosion
Writing Club - Lyric Alley - 17: To say and do whatever I please
Writing Club - AAA - 5 - Ghost!AU
Writing Club - Sophie's Shelf - Bonfire Night - 2 - Fireworks
Writing Club - Emy's Emporium - 10 - (word) Crisp *BONUS*
Writing Club - Angel's Arcade - 6 - Dr. N. Brio - (word) death, (dialogue) "It's my pleasure to please you." (colour) Silver
Writing Club - Bex's Basement - 13 - Write about someone finding a long buried truth
Assignment 9 - Arts and Craft - Task 5 - Stickers: Write about someone feeling stuck
Writing Month - 13,386
When The Light Goes Out
WolfStar
Warnings: Sickness and Death (and lots of fluff because it's me) / homophobic slurs at the start, homophobia / mentions of cheating (not WolfStar though)
Dedicated to my dearest Susan
Remus took his time sorting out the graveyard. The previous caretaker for the church and grounds had been quite elderly and had been failing in his tasks for several years, but the church and all those that attended knew the man and had wanted to keep him on. He hadn't had long until his retirement after all, but the work he could do lessened over the years.
Finally he had retired, and Remus' mother had suggested him for the job. He was in college now and needed a bit of money - he had one day off a week and two half-days where he finished at lunch-time, meaning he had time to get to the church and get everything done. With the family health issues, it was good for Remus to be in work because otherwise he'd struggle when his mother passed.
"Oi, Faggot," a man shouted on his way past, walking through the public footpath that ran alongside the side of the church. The path led down the side of the nearby park, to a couple of housing estates nearby and the main road and it was somewhat popular for people who wanted a shortcut rather than taking the long way.
Remus ignored them, pulling up some weeds and tossing them onto the pile that he would rake to the side later and dispose of, but he felt himself tense up at the word.
"Fairy, we're talking to you!" The voice was familiar and Remus chanced a look up, recognising one of the boys from his old high-school. He looked back down again, resuming his job and hoping the guys would pass by quickly. He had been tormented for the last two years there (not to mention how he was bullied before that) and the words still made him panic.
"That's Lupin. Heard he'll blow anyone for a fiver," the guy said loudly, under the pretence of talking to his friend. "With hair like that, you could even pretend he's a girl. I've got the money for ya if you want, if Marie is still not putting out."
"Fuck that, I wouldn't let another bloke anywhere near there," his mate shouted in response. "But I am getting desperate. Bet he's not even worth that. Let's find out what we can get or a quid."
Remus didn't move. He just listened as the pair passed, shouting slurs and making disgusting comments that Remus tried not to react to. It wasn't until their voices faded away, did he move from the spot he was crouching in, taking several steps towards the overgrown corner and dropping down by the wall, head in hands. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself.
It could have been worse. Some of the people from school had actually beat him up (before and after finding out he was gay). These two, even though their comments were horrible, they were all talk.
Not everyone was like Rob and Steven. Not everyone was homophobic, but people like that made it hard for Remus to make friends - he tended to shy away from people, scared of their reactions. It made it hard for him to have any sort of relationship - he had kissed a girl and two guys - and gone on three dates with one of them, only to be dumped quickly when someone witnessed the kiss and spread it all around school. David had told everyone that Remus had come onto him without warning, trying to save his own reputation and breaking Remus' heart in the process.
"Are you okay?"
A soft gentle voice distracted him from his upset and Remus looked up from his hands, embarrassed at the tears that had begun to form in his eyes. Behind the overgrown bushes was an outline of a person and Remus knew he should be worried why someone was lurking there, but something was making him feel calm and peaceful. The upset quickly faded away and Remus nodded, not sure if the person could see him.
"You're safe here," the man continued soothingly. "Words are just words. You're stronger than that - people like us have no choice but to be strong or we won't survive. The world is full of prejudice, unkindness and all sorts of horrors - but that doesn't mean you need to hide who you are or be ashamed of who you love. Love is beautiful, whether it's between a man and a woman, two women, or two men." The voice was sad, wistful now but Remus was hooked on every word, eager to hear more. "So what you need to do is give yourself a few minutes to let that negativity finish flowing through you, but let it leave you afterwards. That's someone else's negativity. You let the hurt and upset go and then you stand up, brush yourself down and carry on with your day, knowing that event has been and gone and that you survived it. Then you tell yourself that you're a beautiful person and one day someone will see that, and that you've done nothing wrong."
Remus stared at the bushes. As the seconds passed, the figure behind them seemed to fade away. He did as he was told, attempting to push the negative thoughts out. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm a beautiful person," he whispered. "There's nothing wrong with me."
He felt a little stupid saying it, glancing towards the bushes to see if the man had heard, but there was no answer and no sound. He rose to his feet, feeling a little better and stepped towards the overgrown part of the graveyard, pushing branches aside to look behind them.
There was no-one there and Remus knew that the only way out of that corner was to walk past Remus. Remus was sure no-one had passed, yet he did close his eyes for a moment. But had someone walked past, he would have heard the footsteps or the crunch of the crisp leaves under the man's feet. He hadn't heard anything, he was certain.
Perhaps he had imagined it? Maybe he had dozed off for a moment and it was all in his head?
He slept a lot. Well, not actually sleeping. He couldn't think of a word for what it was though. Ceasing to exist in the world, but not crossing over was the closest he could get to describing it. Residing in grey where there was no concept of time, no company, nothing.
He waited to cross over. He had been waiting years now. He heard the language change, saw the fashions change as the years passed, yet he stayed there, in that graveyard by the stone that bore his name.
Sometimes he found himself in a second place, yet wasn't able to determine why he could go there. It wasn't until he heard words that triggered his anger, did he show himself to someone for the first time in a long time. Not that everyone could see him of course, but there were those that were able to notice his presence or hear his voice. Those people were few and far between and Sirius rarely entertained them. It was usually them staring at him across the graveyard, wondering if he was visiting someone or not even there.
It was harder in the day. He was barely visible to anyone, but the loneliness shone off the youth by the wall like a beacon and he couldn't help but offer some words of wisdom before leaving once more. He understood all too well what it was like to feel alone like that. He had heard the crude terms too. He had been alone the last couple of years of his own life, until he had become a spectre, forced to stand over the tombstone and wonder what had happened on the day of his death. Forced to stay in the wrong world rather than pass over.
Remus had long since decided that he had imagined the voice. The words had comforted him though and he couldn't help but remember them and remember the meaning in the man's voice as he had uttered them (though of course it never happened, it was all in his head).
He continued his course and worked hard in the church and graveyard. There was a lot to do to catch up on what the previous man had missed, but Remus had drawn up a plan after his first shift, once he had more of an idea what he could achieve. The plan had sectioned the graveyards that surrounded the church into manageable sections.
It would take weeks to work his way through the overgrown jungle. He decided that he could tackle a full section on his day off, and split another section between his two half-days. Two sections a week meant that the graveyards would take almost three months to fix up.
Once he had worked his way around the entirety of it at least once, there would be less work to do when tending to the sections on his second time around, meaning that he could attempt four sections a week rather than two. His goal was to finally section the graveyards up and get them cleaned and sorted each week, because maintaining was easier and quicker than having to handle the whole thing. The slightly larger one would be split between his two half-days and the one that was a little bit smaller would be tackled on his day off college.
Once a section was done, Remus made sure to remove remnants of dead flowers. Some were extremely old and it saddened him that nothing new had been left in their place. He decided to invest in some seeds. It wouldn't hurt to plant a few around for those that couldn't afford flowers.
There were days where he saw grandchildren of the people come to the graves and lay flowers, all remarking on how much easier it was to visit. Remus took time to fix the gates which stopped dogs from running in unattended, preventing them from fouling everywhere. He tried to wipe down each gravestone as best he could, clearing off the dirt and the grime to show his respect for all of those that lay at rest. The graveyard was slowly being transformed from an overgrown mess into somewhere suitable to pay respect to those that weren't with them anymore.
It took ages, but finally Remus had gone full circle around the graveyard, reaching the overgrow where he had imagined someone had spoken to him. He was worn out now, the sun had been fixed on him for two hours and Remus wanted to find a job inside of the church instead, struggling with the heat. Though it was technically heading into winter, the weather was extremely hot out that day. Remus usually enjoyed being warm, hating even the slightest bit of cold, but working out in the sun wasn't much fun either.
He moved over to the overgrown bushes, wondering what had really happened on his first day. As he stepped through the longest grass, he almost tripped over the hidden gravestone.
Remus nursed his sore leg for a moment before sighing. He needed a drink, but then he'd get this last corner sorted out. The person that resided in the corner clearly hadn't had a visitor for so many years, but Remus was determined to uncover that grave. People were never really forgotten after all, Remus believed. They had parents, siblings, maybe children. The age of the graveyard meant that those people would have passed away, but it didn't mean that the grave had always been forgotten.
He placed his tools by the back wall and headed over to the church, knowing that there would be some cold juice waiting for him in the fridge along with the sandwich he brought for his lunch.
Sirius watched from his spot on the wall as the man worked in the graveyards surrounding the church. He had watched a few times with the previous man and the ones before that, but he felt protective over this one. The man, if Sirius could even call him that, was still young. Sixteen or seventeen. Sirius could barely remember being that age. It was a lifetime ago, literally. He didn't watch all of the time, just wanting to ensure he didn't go through another ordeal like the last one, but nothing seemed to happen.
Finally the man had circled back and Sirius had expected him to miss the little grave in the corner like the last man had. Sirius had been saddened about being hidden away, but there wasn't much he could do. The last visitor had been Regulus and there was no-one to keep the place clean for.
But the newcomer had noticed it. Sirius had merely stared as the man came back from his rest, cutting the grass and trimming the hedges as the sweat soaked his skin and t-shirt, until the ground and bushes stopped hiding what was there.
People never usually saw that. It was too far at the back, alone, like he had been when living. His parents hadn't wanted him buried with the rest of the family - Sirius didn't need to remember his death to know that much. But this man had not only noticed it, but set about fixing it, righting it.
The last time he had seen it like that was when Regulus had visited all of those years ago, his hair grey and his steps slow.
Sirius knew it had been his brother's last visit and had expected to cross over, thinking it was his brother he was waiting for.
Regulus never came again and Sirius was still stuck, unable to go to where spirits went, unable to find his family - James, Harry and Regulus.
Not knowing why he was trapped.
"Sirius Black," Remus murmured, having used an old rag to wipe at the gravestone, revealing the hidden name. It made him smile. He had started to see a pattern in the names in the graveyard, popular names from a long-gone era. Sirius, however, was a new name and an interesting one at that. From what he could tell, people weren't usually named after stars. A broken vase sat on the ground, its base filled with filthy rainwater.
Sirius kept his eyes on the gravestone. The memory of Regulus repeating over and over. He had thought he was over that, having had years since that day, but it was like it had just happened.
It had gotten dark around them and finally Remus packed up his items and turned to go back into the church with them, but froze at the sight of a figure resting on the low wall.
"Who are you?" Remus asked, taking a step away.
Sirius jumped up, as though shocked. "What?"
"How long have you been there? Are you visiting someone?"
He hesitated for a long moment before pointing to the freshly revealed grave. "I'm here because of that grave," he said. "But I'd better get going now."
Remus nodded, a little relieved that the man was just someone mourning what was probably his grandfather or great-grandfather. He glanced around at the grave, before turning to talk to the man again.
But the stranger was gone.
"Thank you for uncovering this," Sirius insisted as Remus walked over, watching warily. It was starting to get dark now and the time made it so Sirius didn't shine in the moonlight, looking more supernatural, or didn't appear see-through. It was the best time to appear normal.
"It's fine. It's my job, plus - I don't like to think that someone is forgotten about. It must have been hard not being able to get over here for the last few years," Remus replied, his eyes scanning Sirius' clothes. Sirius hoped that they didn't look too dated, or that the man didn't recognise them from his brief glimpse prior to that day.
Sirius shrugged slightly, not wanting to lie. "Twenty-three," he murmured, leaning in to touch the date of death, before withdrawing his hand. He knew his hand would go through the stone and didn't want this guy to see. It might scare him off and Sirius was hoping for a friend. So few people could see him, and even fewer were like him, going through similar hardships when it came to love.
"Very young," Remus confirmed. "Family?"
"We shared the same blood," Sirius said. "And the same name. I'm Sirius."
"Remus. I work for the church."
"I know, I saw you the other day, and I spoke to you back on your first day," Sirius confirmed.
"So it did happen," he heard Remus murmur. "I didn't see you leave and thought I had imagined it."
Sirius snorted. He had faded out after speaking, going to that hidden place that was grey and empty. 'Sleep', as he considered it, for lack of the right word once more. "You were very distracted and upset. Are you feeling better now?"
"Sometimes," Remus said. "You said that people like us have to be strong. What do you mean? What do you define 'us' as?"
"Gay," Sirius said, knowing that he could utter the word there in the safety of the graveyard where no-one could judge him for it. Even if they did judge him, well… he was already dead. What more could they do to him? "Times have changed over the years. Acceptance was once just a dream, now it's on the verge of reality. I heard what they said to you, about you. I've heard words like that myself and they can hurt."
"I'm not ashamed of who I am," Remus pointed out.
"Perhaps you're ashamed of how you allow them to make you feel," Sirius suggested. "One day people like us will be accepted fully. Those that hold prejudice will pass to the next life. Their children who have learnt their views won't be filled with as much hate as their parents and slowly but surely the world will change for the good."
"Not in this lifetime," Remus murmured.
Sirius chuckled. "It takes many lifetimes for changes like that, but I have faith in the world. No matter how dark things can be, there's always a bright spark."
"Do you have a bright spark?" Remus asked, glancing at him.
"I did. My best friend - James. He's far away, but I'll see him soon enough and everything will be bright again."
Remus nodded. "You're too young to have met the other Sirius," he said, glancing at the year on the tombstone. "If you don't mind me asking, how did he die?"
Sirius didn't know how to answer the question. He tried to remember that day, but there was a block. He wasn't sure if ghosts were supposed to remember how or when they died, or if he had purposely blocked it. He shrugged. "I don't actually know," he admitted. "He was like us though. All he wanted was love and acceptance and it was harder to find back then."
"So I should count myself lucky that the world is more open about this now?" Remus asked.
Sirius nodded. "Imagine an age where you were forced into marriage with a woman, being told by your parents that you had to bear a child with her to carry on the family name. There was no love there, there was just… nothing. Separate bedrooms, separate lives apart from those nights he'd force himself to visit their marital bed in the hopes that this time she'd get pregnant and he'd never have to spend a night with her again. Imagine having so little control over your life that the only touch of a man was when your arms pressed together for that brief moment in public. That even a kiss could have what seemed like the world turning against you. That your options were other men in your situation - ones that were married or of a lower status where you'd have to sneak around."
"It sounds awful. Is that what Sirius Black went through?"
"Sirius Black went through a lot," Sirius confirmed softly. "All he wanted was to fall in love and he was never given that. It was nice to meet you, Remus. Perhaps I'll see you again."
Remus nodded his head. "Goodbye… Mr Black."
"Sirius," he confirmed. "Star names run in the family and names are often reused."
Remus smiled and Sirius headed out of the graveyard, pausing at the invisible barriers that restricted him from going too far. He glanced back, noticing Remus had his back turned, before willing himself away.
Grey. Empty. Alone.
"S...Sirius. No, that can't be you?" The man stared at him, his eyes widened in shock. "You've been dead for sixty-one years. Has my mind gone that much that I'm seeing things now?"
Sirius moved from his space behind the gravestone, his eyes wide. "Reggie?" he whispered, reaching out.
The old man raised his own hand, tears in his eyes. "Sirius. I'm so sorry. I've told you every time I've been here but… now I can say the words to you. I'm sorry. I failed to protect you."
"What… what happened to me?" Sirius begged.
Regulus shook his head. "I don't remember," he admitted softly. "Memories fade. So much of my mind is gone already. But why can I see you?"
"I've always been here during your visits," Sirius insisted. "Maybe it's because…" his voice shook as he watched his brother. "I can't cross over, Regulus. I don't know how. I don't know what's stopping me from doing so. But…"
"Maybe you're waiting for someone?" Regulus suggested. Their hands met and Sirius gasped, feeling his brother's hand in his own.
"Maybe it's you I've been waiting for?" Sirius suggested. "But what if it's not? If… if I… can you tell James that I'll be there one day."
Regulus nodded. "I love you."
"I love you too, little brother," Sirius murmured softly. He took in the lines that littered Regulus' old face and knew that he couldn't touch someone who was alive. He knew Regulus wouldn't last the night.
"Now that I can ask - can you ever forgive me? I wasn't there for you. I sided with our parents, not being a good brother. I should have been and I've regretted it every day."
"Regulus, I've never held any resentment or anger towards you for anything that happened. We had little control over our lives and we both did what we had to do," Sirius insisted. "There's nothing for me to forgive." He saw the pleading look in Regulus' eyes and smiled softly. "I forgive you everything. Do you forgive me for not being there for you?"
"I forgive you," Regulus said, a small smile on his lips. "Goodbye, Sirius. I have to say my goodbyes to my family."
Sirius' heart ached at the words. One thing he had never truly experienced was having a family. His parents couldn't count as such. He had just been accepted as a part of James' family when they had died, leaving him alone. A family to love. Just someone to love. It's all he ever asked for.
He watched Regulus leave, knowing it was the last time he'd see his brother at his grave.
Sirius had expected the youths to run away, terrified of him. A ghost in a graveyard. People made jokes about it all of the time, but people hated for it to be proven right.
The youths in front of him were smoking drugs though and none of them seemed to notice or care that he was a ghost. He couldn't even determine if any could properly see him. In fact, they paid him little mind until the sirens of the police car grew louder, stopping nearby.
Sirius headed back to his grave before the police came into the grounds, choosing to watch from a safe distance. One of the officers looked wary as he walked in and Sirius grinned, amused. He had no idea how right he was to be wary there. He wasn't the only ghost, though the others kept to themselves, where Sirius craved someone that would stop him being alone.
The people were rounded up and taken out of the graveyard just as Remus walked in, flashlight in hand. His hair was ruffled and he looked like he had been asleep prior to arriving. It was adorable really and Sirius watched him. The flashlight scanned the grounds, before Remus turned to talk to a police officer.
The man moved away a little bit and Remus headed over to where the youths had been loitering, sighing loudly at the mess by the graves, before turning away. He stopped, his flashlight shining on Sirius. Sirius stood frozen, not sure what to do. He hadn't expected to be seen, away in his little corner.
"What are you doing here?" Remus asked, walking over carefully, being mindful of the gravestones.
Sirius shrugged.
"Were you with them? Shouldn't you show respect to the people laid to rest here? How would you feel if it was your… grandfather or great-grandfather's grave they were disrespecting?" Remus asked, clearly tired and irritable.
"I wasn't involved. I tried to make them leave."
Remus was close enough to reach out for Sirius now. "You need to leave, you shouldn't be here." He suddenly grabbed for Sirius, his fingers going straight through Sirius' wrist.
The two men stood frozen, Remus' eyes fixed on Sirius' wrist now as though he was trying to find a way to explain what had just happened, rather than the obvious.
"Explain what just happened," Remus said, suddenly taking a step back.
"I'm a ghost," Sirius helpfully explained. "I'm sorry, I couldn't tell you before. I… please don't run away. I liked talking to you. Not many people can see me. Usually ones on the verge of death, because they are so close to crossing over. But you can see me properly. It's been so long since I've had someone to talk to. I won't hurt you, I promise." He knew he was babbling but couldn't help himself. He didn't want to lose anyone else. Being Remus' friend meant he'd not be lonely for years to come. He knew it was selfish, but to have a friend...
"You're a ghost?" Remus repeated faintly. "But what… your…" he gestured to the grave.
"I was twenty-three when I died. I can't cross over. Please, Remus. I just want a friend," Sirius insisted sadly.
"I need to think about this. It seems surreal," Remus muttered. "I'll come back."
"And I won't unless you come to my grave and call my name," Sirius replied. "I don't want to scare you or make you uncomfortable. I don't want to be forgotten again." He couldn't help the way his voice shook. "Please, Remus."
"You're… only twenty-three." Remus ran a hand through his hair. "Only five years older than me. This is… I'll come back." He turned, the light of the flashlight moving from Sirius to the nearby graves, and Sirius kept a watch over Remus until he reached the nearby officer.
He hoped Remus would return.
It was two months before he was 'woken' by his name being called. When he stepped out from behind the tombstone, he noticed the grass was freshly cut and some flowers sat leaning against the headstone. His gaze moved up to the man standing nearby.
"Remus, you came back!"
Remus nodded, his gaze drifting over Sirius' clothes once more. "I needed time to think. I didn't believe in ghosts before that day, but… well, you were right there and you were… transparent but glowing slightly. Not glowing, but… you know. I can't pretend I don't believe anymore. And right now I think I can see through you."
"You came back because you believe in me?" Sirius asked.
Remus shook his head. "I came back because you died about a hundred years ago and you're here," he said. "Because I feel lonely but that can't compare to your loneliness. I came back because I didn't want you to be alone anymore."
Sirius reached out a hand, before withdrawing it. "Thank you," he murmured.
"I'm going to help you cross over, whatever that entails," Remus continued. "Can I sit?"
Sirius nodded. "Yeah, sure."
Remus sat on the end of the grave, close to where Sirius' feet would have been and Sirius stretched out by the tombstone.
"So, tell me about yourself," Sirius began, noticing Remus' shyness.
"I'm eighteen, and… well, you already know I'm gay. I… I work here at the church and live with my mum. She's not well and I look after her." Remus picked at the blades of grass. "I go to college, though it's pointless because I have a genetic disorder and at some point, I'm going to get ill like she is. She's only in her mid thirties and…" he sighed. "Does dying hurt?"
Sirius hadn't expected the question. He shrugged. "I don't remember dying. I don't remember how or why. One day I was alive, the next thing I know, I'm here, looking at this stone that bears my name and knowing it's me."
"But you said you don't know how he… you died," Remus said. "Was that because you were keeping your identity a secret, or…"
"I have no knowledge of it. Like I said, I don't remember dying. I remember days before, and I remember seeing the gravestone. I could have drowned, been shot, fallen down the stairs or starved. I… I have no way of finding this out."
Remus glanced at the grave. "I can look into it when I finish college," he said. "I know that's a while away, but… between this place, my course and my mum, it doesn't give me a lot of time to focus on a project. But if I have some free time, I'll put the effort in earlier than the end of college."
"Maybe knowing how and why I died would be enough for closure?" Sirius suggested. "Maybe that'll allow me to cross over."
"What's crossing over?" Remus asked.
Sirius smiled. "It's what happens when you die. If you have unfinished business or a reason to remain, you tend to remain as a ghost until you've achieved what you need. Some people can cross straight over. My best friend and his family… they all crossed over. So did my brother. I can just feel that they aren't in this world anymore." He shrugged his shoulders. "The last time someone visited, it was Regulus, my younger brother. He was an old man. Wrinkles, a cane, grey hair. He saw me that last time. We both knew it meant his time had come."
"If he saw you because he was dying, does that mean I…" Remus trailed off, horrified.
Sirius shook his head. "No. Some people can see ghosts. I'm not really sure why. Near Death Experiences can give you that power to see, insight into the supernatural. So many other reasons that I'm not sure about. Some people on drugs can see us too. I think."
Remus nodded. "Okay so I'm not going to die tomorrow?"
Sirius shrugged. "I can't answer that. The world… you could get hit by a car, or shot or… whatever. I don't know. I mean, I hope you don't, but if you do, you're welcome to haunt this graveyard for eternity with me, because I don't think I'll ever cross over."
Remus grinned. "Two gay ghosts haunting a church graveyard."
"It'll be fun. We can have scaring competitions, we can… play pranks on people." Remus chuckled at the excited look on Sirius' face.
"Is it your work day?" Sirius asked, glancing around for Remus' equipment.
Remus shook his head. "Not today. I wanted time to talk to you without being distracted by work, so decided to wait until I wasn't so busy - so I could spare an afternoon. Do you always wear the same clothes?"
Sirius glanced down at the suit. "I think so."
"I thought you were a hipster or something, trying to bring the trend back," Remus admitted, laughing once more. "The bowtie is just perfect, though the waistcoat suits you. Are you… are you wearing suspenders underneath it?"
"Are you flirting with me?" Sirius asked, grinning widely. "Trying to see under my waistcoat. I'll have you know that I expect dinner and to be charmed before removing my clothing, though I think you're charming already."
Remus blushed. "I've decided I can't leave you alone here," he said softly. "We're both alone and it makes sense for each of us to have a friend, right? I'd very much like to get to know you, help you as much as it's possible for me to do. Will you allow me to help you?"
"I'd love to be your friend," Sirius admitted, letting his voice take on the soothing tone that had worked before. "But since we were talking about clothes, can I tell you how much I adore this cardigan - and the jumper you wore last time. You're very fetching in those."
"Thank you," Remus said, his blush deepening. Sirius stared at it. Did Remus just blush a lot, or was he not used to compliments? Or perhaps he found Sirius attractive.
When he had been alive, Sirius had been considered one of the most attractive bachelors (and when he had been forced to marry, he still had women that flirted, thinking they could steal him from his wife). He had several male lovers because men found him just as attractive.
But he had been dead for years. Things like attractiveness hadn't even crossed his mind until that moment.
He reached up, running a hand through his black hair, preening silently about it. He still had it. He still looked amazing.
Remus' gaze followed the movement of Sirius' hand. "Can you give me advice?" he asked. "I don't know how to approach guys. I don't… I don't know anything about how to be in a relationship. Do you think…"
Sirius shook his head. "I can't tell you much about being in a relationship, but I can tell you how to flirt."
"How?"
"Do what you're doing now. Be cute, adorable, and blush a lot. Trust me, if I were alive, I'd have no time for any of my other lovers. I would end things with each of them because I'd have put you and only you in my sights."
Remus smiled shyly. "Really?"
Sirius nodded sincerely. Remus was adorable and perfect and any man who didn't see that was clearly a fool.
'Sleeping' didn't usually involve dreaming. It was just existing in nothing, but memories of his life flooded him. He recounted his marriage to Alecto Carrow. He remembered the wedding day vividly.
"I have another lover," she had confided in him.
"The child will have to be mine," he replied, understanding it was just a contract between them. He was glad that Alecto didn't expect anything more.
She nodded, a hint of a smile on her lips. "My lover won't get me pregnant," she assured him. "I promise you that. This is a contract between families, nothing more. I don't want to share a bed. I've seen the home we'll move into. The smaller room in our wing will be the marital bed. We can share that when we attempt to…" sadness flickered over her face for a brief second. "Otherwise we'll have our own rooms. I only ask that you don't get another woman pregnant."
Sirius almost smiled. "I assure you that won't ever happen," he agreed.
An hour later, everyone was celebrating the marriage in the lavish gardens of the Black estate.
Sirius however was upstairs in his room. The door was locked and two men were desperately undressing each other. Stripped naked, their clothes tossed in the direction of the chair, the men took a moment to look each other over before Sirius dropped down to his knees.
"If only my sister knew what you really craved," Amycus said, smirking down.
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure she has some idea," he replied. "We both understand this is a contract and nothing more. Now, are we going to keep talking about your sister or are we going to do this?
"I was married," Sirius said, watching as Remus tidied up the grave next to his. They only really talked once a week, because Remus used the other two half-days to work in the other graveyard. But it meant Sirius had all day with him, so he wasn't complaining. Remus even brought his lunch outside now.
"You were? I… wait, you mentioned."
"I did?"
Remus nodded, pausing for a moment to throw the weeds that had started growing, to the side. "Indirectly. Back when you were saying how hard it was in your time, when I didn't know who you really were. You mentioned loveless marriages. Do you want to talk about it? Have you ever talked about it?"
Sirius shook his head. "To James," he said. "But that's it. Do you want to know? I don't want to burden you."
"It's not a burden to me, but it takes a burden away from you and that's what matters," Remus insisted. "I've got three graves to finish before lunch. Give me a few minutes to get them done and I'll come and sit with you. I'd rather listen properly than be distracted. It's getting dark anyway and the fireworks will start soon. My mum's doing dinner later, but I brought a sandwich in the meantime."
Sirius nodded his head, content to walk over to his own grave and sit down. He tried not to look impatient as Remus got back to work. After all, if he was impatient and clingy, Remus might stop talking to him. Then he'd go back to having nothing. He wasn't prepared to give up this wonderful friendship he had. Remus had quickly become important to him and it wasn't because Remus was the only person he knew that could see him - no, it was because Remus was amazing.
"Okay," Remus said, taking a seat and grabbing his bag. He pulled out a sandwich and looked at Sirius expectantly.
"I had sex with her brother countless times," Sirius offered.
"Christ! Sirius, you can't just blurt that stuff out," Remus said.
"Oh. Well, let me start from the beginning. My parents were all about making good matches for me and Regulus, so our marriages were arranged. I was married when I neared nineteen and Alecto had turned eighteen. We had met a few times prior - functions and the like, but the marriage itself was loveless. We had our own bedrooms and the third bedroom was only used when we would… try to conceive. We needed one child, so one weekend a month we'd have sex several times and then try and forget about it for the rest of the weekend. I later found out that her lover was another woman, having accidently walked in on them in Alecto's quarters. The door had been ajar and I had knocked, but... " he trailed off. "The evening of our wedding, her brother seduced me and I welcomed it because I knew I wouldn't be spending that night with Alecto. We carried on the affair on and off for months. He had a second lover and I was jealous so ended it."
"But you had your wife?"
Sirius nodded. "I was nineteen and thought that me and Amycus mattered to each other. He was my only male lover and was engaged to a woman himself. I overlooked his fiance because that was what was expected of us. But another male lover meant that he had sought this person out himself to be with willingly."
"I understand," Remus nodded.
"Amycus wasn't my first lover. The first was a servant at my parent's home. He worked in the gardens which meant that my parents didn't notice if he disappeared for hours at a time because the gardens were extensive. There were so many hiding places. He left for a better job."
"Was Amycus after him?"
Sirius nodded. "After Amycus was Lucius, my cousin's husband. I was never proud about that. He was the type of man that could bewitch you and convince you what you were doing wasn't wrong. I lay with other married men without considering how it would have hurt these women if they knew."
"It's not right, but at the same time, you had to hide your sexuality. You had to hide who you loved. You couldn't freely be with them," Remus offered.
Sirius smiled sadly. "Narcissa moved them to a manor far away. I believe she suspected he was with someone else, but unsure who. After him… it was the son of my father's friend, a few strangers from the local bars, and a musician. The last one was my favourite."
"Why was that?" Remus asked.
"Because the man who worked at my home seduced me and I'd do anything for him. Extra money if he needed. I thought we'd run away together, but he left, clearly not caring about me enough. A man with another lover and a fiance, a married man and some strangers. The last chap - Benjy the musician… we may not have had the spark I had hoped for, but he wasn't married. I wasn't hurting anyone by being with him. That… that made it easier."
"Did you love any of them?"
Sirius shook his head. "Not true love. Not real love. Puppy love in the first instance, lust and awe in others. They all knew how to hook me and I wondered each time if that was the time I'd fall for someone. If this was the person I'd run away with - willingly give up my life for."
Remus glanced at the gravestone. "But you were buried alone. I've cleaned a lot of graves and couples more often than not are together."
"Me and Benjy were caught. My family turned their backs on me and Alecto left me. She knew I was sleeping with others and didn't care. She did however care about her image. The divorce was swift and I was dead six months later."
"Do you think she killed you? Maybe she wanted revenge?"
Sirius shook his head. "I don't think so. If she had, or had arranged someone to do it, it would have happened before the divorce. She'd have gotten so much more than she did. I think it was my father perhaps."
"Where does James fit into all of this?" Remus asked.
"He was the one that told me to stop sleeping with strangers," Sirius said, with a sigh. "He told me that I need to start respecting myself. He made me think about everyone that was getting hurt by my actions, and then he introduced me to Benjy. James dealt with divorce and Benjy had lost his wife because she had found him with another man. James of course couldn't directly tell me this, but he set us up and it was nice. Nice because no-one was getting hurt. Alecto had her lover and we by that time, our one weekend a month was now one single attempt every month. We would rush through because we didn't want that."
"So, you were happy with him?"
Sirius nodded. "James was like a brother to me growing up. The only one to know of my desires who wasn't a lover of mine. He died a month after my divorce. There was a fire that claimed the lives of him and his wife and son."
"I'm sorry." Remus reached for his hand, but Sirius felt nothing as Remus' fingers went through him. Remus withdrew it with a sigh, taking a bite of his sandwich instead.
"You deserved a better life," Remus said, swallowing the bite of sandwich.
"Maybe it's why I'm stuck - because I didn't care about those that got hurt," Sirius asked.
"Would you do all of that again?" Remus checked. "How come you're telling me all about this? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to listen. I just want to know if you're sharing because it's some sort of confession, or if you're lightening your burden or what."
Sirius thought about it. "Because I don't want there to be any secrets between us," he admitted. "In my own times, I'd certainly be involved whilst married, but I'd choose someone who wasn't pretending to be happily married."
"And if you were alive now?"
Sirius stared at Remus for a long time. "If I were alive right now, I'd be doing everything I could to make you my boyfriend, lover and possibly husband if it all worked out. Because if I was alive right now, I'd not be stupid enough to let someone as perfect as you go. I'd devote myself entirely to you. I'd protect you from harsh words and cause you to blush a thousand times a day, never tiring of the sight. I'd do everything in my power to make you smile. I'd proudly wear a ring showing our commitment to each other."
"Would you ever cheat?"
Sirius shook his head. "With the exception of cheating on my wife, I've never actually cheated on a man I've been with," he insisted. "If I hadn't been forced to marry, I'd never have cheated on anyone at all."
"So… me? Why me?" Remus asked.
Sirius laughed softly. "Why not you," he replied. "Remus, you're beautiful. Not just in looks, but you have a pure heart. You deserve someone who would do anything and everything for you. Perhaps I don't have the best history, but if I had a chance with you like that, I'd do everything in my power to change for the better because you deserve everything. I'd respect waiting because you've not been with anyone. I'd take you to nice places, I'd charm you, I'd protect you from this cruel world."
"And you mentioned marriage," Remus pushed. Sirius noticed a hint of desperation in Remus' voice and quickly realised that Remus needed to know how much Sirius would have been willing to give.
"I'd have proposed within months… nay, within weeks of us meeting," Sirius insisted. "And planned for a wedding as soon as possible just so I can proudly call you my husband. I'd…" he let out a sigh, trailing off. "But I can't do any of that because I wasn't blessed with living in the same time as you, my love."
"Am I?" Remus whispered. "Your love, I mean… am I?"
Sirius realised a moment too late that the term of endearment had passed his lips. He swallowed, taking a deep breath to prepare himself.
"It's the most stupid thing I've ever done, falling in love with someone alive when I'm just a ghost," he said softly.
Remus' lips curved up into a wide smile. "I guess we're equally stupid then," he replied. "All of the men on Earth that are alive, and I've only got eyes for you."
Sirius stared into Remus' amber eyes. "When you die, that offer remains open. You can join me here. We can be together forever."
"When I die?"
"I don't mean do anything now. Don't go and kill yourself or something. I just mean… when that day comes, you have somewhere to go. Unless you cross over of course."
Remus shook his head, reaching for Sirius' hand again. It went through and they both looked at where their hands would be touching if it were possible. This time Remus didn't move his hand away. "I'd never cross over without you," he insisted. "Crossing over means there's no unfinished business. I'm deciding now that you are my business. So if you remain here, I'm staying with you. I promise you that I'm going to try everything to stay with you."
Sirius suddenly pulled his hand back as the fantasy of Remus wanting to spend his life with Sirius came crashing down.
"No," he whispered. "No."
"What?" Remus shifted closer, confused. "Sirius, you said that you… you love me. You do, right?"
Sirius nodded, unable to lie to Remus.
"If I allow you to make that promise, it means you're putting your own life on hold," he said softly. "I'm preventing you from having a real life, from falling in love with someone you can actually be with. I'm stopping you from living and I won't ask that of you."
Remus smiled. "You didn't ask," he insisted. "We didn't plan to fall in love, but it happened. Sirius, one day I'll be dead."
"In like sixty-five years."
Remus shook his head. "My mum could die tomorrow, or she could die in ten years. Our family… I could die tomorrow, Sirius."
Sirius stared at him. "Before, you asked if I could see you because you thought you were going to die."
Remus nodded. "I can't die before mum. That'd be the thing to kill her. I can't let her deal with that loss for even a second. But I could be dead tomorrow."
Sirius shook his head. "If you were that close, I'd have felt your hand," he insisted. "I felt my brother's hand the last time I saw him. I don't know when he died - later that day perhaps, or the next. But his visits were weekly and he never came back."
Remus smiled softly. "So I won't be putting my life on hold for you. Each day I'll be one day closer to being at your side forever. If you want me forever."
"I've never wanted anything more in my life," Sirius whispered. He reached out. "I'd give anything to touch you right now. Just to wrap you in my arms."
"But we can touch when we're both ghosts?" Remus checked.
Sirius nodded, a seductive grin on his lips. "I'll most certainly enjoy touching you," he murmured, reaching for his waistcoat and finding that he could remove it. "Look at that," he whispered. "We can remove our clothes. When we can finally touch, I'm going to stay to my promise. I'm going to worship you."
Remus took a shaky breath as Sirius slipped the waistcoat back on. "I can't wait," he whispered.
A loud bang sounded from a nearby field and the pair sat side by side against Sirius' tombstone to watch as the fireworks lit up the sky. Though their arms were touching, neither could feel it.
"Our first date," Sirius murmured. "This makes it all the more perfect."
"The only thing that could make it better would be if I could touch you, hold your hand, kiss you," Remus insisted.
Sirius smiled sadly. "This is all I can offer, I'm afraid."
"It's enough. Being here with you is enough."
The watched in silence as another firework exploded above them, colours filling the sky. Sirius never really cared for fireworks before, but as the sky filled with silver and pink as the next followed quickly, he realised how beautiful they were when seeing them with someone else.
Each explosion was followed with beautiful colours but Sirius found himself watching Remus instead. There was nothing more beautiful.
"Here you are darling, now, who is this?" Hope asked, glancing between Remus and Sirius.
Remus didn't really know how to respond to that. Though they weren't actually dating because they were human and ghost, they had been "together" for a year now. A year since they had admitted their feelings. A year since Remus had promised himself to Sirius.
"Sirius, it's nice to meet you," Sirius said.
Hope beamed at him. "I got off the bus early," she said, glancing at Remus. "I know it's ten minutes before the end of your shift, but I wanted to spend some time with you." She turned back to Sirius. "Would you like to come over for dinner? I knew Remus was seeing someone, but… I didn't realise he met you at work." She let out a soft laugh. "Imagine - meeting someone in a graveyard like this."
Remus shot Sirius a soft smile, which Hope didn't miss.
"No wonder he's been walking around with that smile on his face these last few months. It… I always worry about my son, but it's a relief to know he's not alone." She reached out, grabbing Sirius' hand in hers and holding tightly. "You take care of my boy."
She glanced down at his hand. "And get some gloves, your hands are freezing." She glanced back at Remus. "I'll wait by the church and give you two a bit of privacy to say your goodbyes and have a kiss." She winked at them before walking out, her pace slower than Remus was used to.
The two men stared at her as she left.
"Remus," Sirius began, his voice shaking. "I'm so sorry. She—"
"Don't say it," Remus snapped. "You're wrong." Sirius could hear the upset in his voice, he could tell that Remus was on the verge of tears and he didn't blame Remus for snapping. This woman was all Remus had, and Sirius had heard so many stories of what an amazing woman she was. He wished he could reach out for Remus and wrap his arms around him, show him some sort of comfort.
He strode to the church, fighting the confines and suffering through the pain that flowed through him. Remus followed, concerned.
"I'm not hungry, but I want to get to know you better," Sirius said, offering Hope his arm. When she touched him, he felt it easier to be led away. "And it's about time you got to know me. I'm Sirius, and I'm in love with your son. Not only that - I plan to spend eternity with him."
Hope beamed at him and Remus could see how tired she looked, how thin she had gotten.
"I love him," Remus murmured softly. "More than anything. Well, I love you the most - you're my mum after all, but… you know what I mean."
She smiled. "Perhaps we can order out tonight?" she suggested. "I don't feel much like cooking."
"Anything you want," Remus whispered, forcing the tears back.
"But you keep your bedroom door open if you both go upstairs," Hope insisted with a laugh. "I know you're old enough to be sensible, but this is Sirius' first time over. So the door stays open."
"Don't you worry, Mrs. Lupin. We'll sit with you tonight," Sirius said.
Sirius had never felt pain like that before. It was like he was burning in agony.
He had been with Mrs. Lupin (call me Hope, darling), as the light left her body. Remus couldn't see it happening, but he could.
As the time passed, the light faded bit by bit and Remus sat beside her, trying to remain calm. Trying to help her through her last moments, trying to assure her that she had nothing to worry about anymore. He held one hand and Sirius held the other.
"Your time will come," was the last thing she said to Sirius, her face full of understanding as her last few seconds came upon them. "You'll be with them all again." She turned to Remus. "I love you, my darling."
"I love you," Remus said, the tears finally falling down his cheeks. Sirius didn't understand how he had held them back for so long.
When the light was gone, there was nothing holding Sirius to that house. After the burning through his body, he found himself back at his grave.
He desperately tried to get back to the house, but it was too much agony. All he knew was that Remus was there, alone and Sirius couldn't get back to him to offer him comfort.
It was almost a month before Remus returned. Sirius didn't rush to his side as he usually would, instead choosing to remain at the gravestone. Perhaps in the face of death, Remus had reconsidered their being together.
Sirius tried to get him to but Remus had always refused. But this time perhaps he'd accept that he had his life to live before considering his death.
"Can the living marry the dead?" Remus asked, reaching him. "Because after everything that's happened, all I can think about is making that vow to you." There was a tremor in his voice and Sirius noticed that Remus looked pale, weak - as though he hadn't been looking after himself.
Sirius shrugged his shoulders. He wanted to spend eternity with Remus, sure, and he couldn't wait until they could finally touch.
But he needed Remus to be human for a while longer first. He couldn't let Remus waste away.
"Remus, you're sick," Sirius murmured, reaching out just to make sure. He let out a sigh of relief as his hand passed through Remus. "I need you to take care of yourself."
Remus settled on the cold ground near the gravestone. "I am," he murmured. "I'm eating, sleeping… it's just so lonely in our flat. It was always just me and mum. Just the two of us and now it's just me. I feel like just letting go."
"You can't," Sirius said.
"Try me," came the tired reply.
"I'm sorry I can't be there for you," Sirius said. "I'd give anything to be able to come to yours and look after you. Ever since I died, I've wanted nothing more than to find out what happened. Once my brother died, I wanted nothing more than to cross over. But my desire to be alive so I can be there for you trumps all of that."
Remus stared at Sirius for a long time. "You don't know how you died," he whispered softly. "I have time. I'll look into it." His glassy stare was suddenly focused.
Sirius watched carefully but Remus was considering his project. "I'm going to head to the library and see what information they have on this," he said, rising to his feet.
"Remus, you don't need to do it now. Not today, I can wait. You…" he sighed as Remus rushed away without even a goodbye.
Remus hadn't spoken much during work but still looked awful and Sirius continued to worry. The first thing he would do was touch Remus and make sure he wasn't close to death. Remus had kept quiet about everything including his research. The days where Remus usually came to see Sirius were spent researching Sirius' family tree.
As much as Sirius craved finding out what had happened, he craved Remus' company even more. He hadn't even realised ghosts could love to this extent.
If he had met Remus whilst living, Remus would have been the one that he'd have left his wife for, not caring about how his family would react. He'd have taken loads of money and just run with Remus and Hope, finding a little cottage at a faraway seaside town. They'd have spent their lives as 'bachelors' who had just never met the right woman. Living together. Growing old together. Making private vows to each other to be together forever. Remus was all he ever wanted, and he couldn't do anything to help him.
Remus was hurting, Sirius just wanted to hold him. To show him that he wasn't completely alone. Sirius was scared that Remus would just give up and waste away because the people he loved had either crossed over or a ghost. Whatever happened to Remus, he'd at least be reunited with one of them.
It was two months before Remus came back. He clutched a folder in his arms and Sirius rushed to meet him.
"I have a confession to make," Remus admitted, a little more colour in his face than before. "I found the truth out within the first week. I just couldn't come back."
"You did. But you…" Sirius hesitated, choosing his words carefully. Remus had been staying away from him which meant that perhaps Remus was ready to move on.
Sirius fought down every selfish feeling inside. "I hope you're happy with whoever you met," he forced out, attempting to sound sincere. "It's for the best. I'm just a ghost, I can't truly be there for you. At least he… can support you through your loss and—"
"Sirius, no," Remus said, a small chuckle escaping his lips. "I haven't met anyone else. I love you, and nothing could compare to this. No-one can replace you. I'll be truthful about why I haven't come back."
Sirius nodded, relieved that he wasn't going to lose Remus.
"I… there were two reasons. The first and the biggest was because I'm selfish."
Sirius stared at him. "You?"
Remus nodded his head. "Yeah. I considered that this knowledge was what was holding you on Earth and stopping you from crossing over. So… well, I thought if I told you, I'd lose you too. The idea of you crossing over and having to spend my life without you… well… I couldn't face that two months ago."
"What changed?" Sirius asked.
Remus glanced away. "I collapsed at college the other day," he said. "I went to the doctor. My condition is getting worse very quickly. I may not have that long left. I'll be lucky if I have a year. I realised that it might be me leaving you, rather than you leaving me and I've felt guilty. I had to face this information and… I didn't know how to tell you. I'm going to see the priest later and explain. Maybe extend my hours here so I can take my time a bit more because I feel weaker than I used to."
Sirius reached out quickly, taking a shaky breath as his hand went through Remus. Though he longed to cuddle him, comfort him, it was a relief that it wasn't going to be today.
"What was the other thing," Sirius asked.
"I know what happened," Remus insisted. "I know how you died. Sirius, you were murdered. I… I'll tell you, but maybe we should say our goodbyes first just in case?"
Sirius smiled. "I'll fight to stay here until your turn comes," he insisted.
Remus opened the folder and pulled out a few printed pages. Sirius could see newspaper reports and the like and craned his neck to see. He was too nosy to wait.
Sirius was enjoying a brandy by the fire. The house was quiet as usual, but it was now empty. Alecto had quickly moved back to her family home, enraged by the scandal.
He recalled her last words vividly. "Sirius, we had an agreement. I have a lover and you were welcome to yours - but discretion was key. This arrangement was perfect. My brother insisted you had a preference for men which meant you'd not expect anything more than our reluctant attempts to have a child. But now I'll be remembered for your transgressions. People will look at me in the street and pity me. I have to choose between remaining here as your wife, or letting it die down and starting over. I'm sorry, but I'm not standing by your side on this."
Sirius had given her a generous settlement, feeling it was the least he could do. She left the next day, one of the maids leaving with her.
Over those six months, Sirius had pulled away from everything. The death of James had devastated him and his parents and brother had kept their distance for a time, not wanting society to think they approved of what he had done.
His father had recently sent a letter requesting Sirius prepare to move from the family manor to a smaller property that was a distance away. The property was now in his name, but he didn't care. He'd sign it over and go and start a new life. Perhaps this time he'd skip having many maids and staff and limit it to one or two who would offer him privacy. Maybe this time he could pay attention to those that were living that 'eternal bachelor' lifestyle because he was finally free of expectations and he just wanted to be happy.
He just wanted to be loved.
The knock came as a surprise. All the staff had been dismissed in the face of moving with the exception of the cook and a maid who had both finished for the day, and Sirius headed to the door himself, finding his cousin standing there, wet from the rain.
"Bellatrix!" he exclaimed in surprise. "Whatever are you doing here?"
His cousin stepped past the threshold and reached out to embrace him. Sirius wasn't used to hugs, his family being overly formal and lacking love. "I was concerned about you," she admitted. "Sirius, we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I thought you needed someone to support you."
"You're not here to see if I've finished packing up my belongings to move?" Sirius checked.
Bellatrix's smile turned guilty. "It's what I told my parents and yours, otherwise I'd have not been allowed to come," she insisted. "That was all a ruse. I thought you needed a friend to talk to. With James Potter's death, Alecto leaving and I heard rumour that your previous lover left town. I imagined you were all alone. If it's a problem, I'll arrange a coach to return me home tomorrow."
Sirius glanced behind her. The door was still open and three suitcases sat on the porch. The carriage had already left and he found that he wasn't ready for her to leave.
He never stopped feeling lonely.
"You'll be too tired to travel home tomorrow. Why don't you stay a few nights?" Sirius suggested. "Are you hungry?"
She nodded. "Is your cook available to fix me a meal?"
"No. Perhaps I can take you into town for dinner instead?" he suggested. "I sent her home an hour ago."
"That's perfect. Perhaps you can show me all of the fine places to eat whilst I'm here," she insisted. "I brought enough clothing for only a week, so it's a short visit, I'm afraid."
...
"Sirius, I'm feeling a little unwell tonight," Bellatrix said, clutching her stomach. "Perhaps you can get that cook of yours to do us a dinner now instead? We can visit that restaurant tomorrow."
"Food poisoning?" Sirius quickly asked. "Should I call for a doctor?"
She shook her head. "Nothing of the sort. It'll pass, I just feel it'll be too much to handle the excitement and the people that an evening out brings. I hope you're… you're welcome to still go out if you want, don't worry about me."
Sirius shook his head. "That's fine. I'll get a message sent to change the reservation until tomorrow," he said.
"I feel bad. The people we spoke to yesterday… it was a start to fixing your image. They were expecting us for drinks afterwards," she said, sighing softly.
Sirius didn't mention that he didn't care much about his image anymore. He had only behaved because of Bellatrix - he didn't want to cause embarrassment. Not even when another man approached him in the bathroom, only for Sirius to swiftly turn him down. He had made a promise - no married men. He was looking for love now.
That evening after dinner had been eaten and the cook and maid dismissed for the night, Sirius heard a creak from upstairs. He remained in his study, glancing over the paperwork for his father until there was a knock on his door.
"Come in," he called, expecting to see Bellatrix. What he didn't expect was the gun in her hand. He froze, staring at it.
"What is this?"
Her smile twisted into something dark. "You brought shame on our family, dear cousin. A better man would have killed himself in such circumstances. I waited for it to happen. You lost everything yet you still remained here so I came to do the job for you."
"But, Bella… we're family."
"Unfortunately, but you're as aware as I am that our family have always cut out the weak links. That's how we remain so strong."
"You're the only one here. People will know."
She shook her head. "I'll be the one to call the police. Many people heard us planning yesterday to go out again tonight. Someone broke in, thinking the house was empty and made their way in here, expecting to get into the safe. They found you working and shot you."
"But I thought…"
"Thought I'd accept you for who you are? Sirius, you're not worthy to be one of us. Your father might be soft enough to send you away rather than take matters into his own hands, but I'm not. It's a shame - you could have kept your secret hidden or even denied what you were, claiming someone was falsely accusing you, but you did neither."
Sirius reached for the gun under the desk, but found nothing. Bellatrix looked amused and Sirius quickly realised that she had been there for few days now and had most likely searched his study when he was sleeping.
"We're family," he tried once more. "You're my cousin and despite our hardships in the past, I care about you. You don't need to do this."
It was clear that his words meant nothing to her and in that last moment, Sirius wondered what he even had to live for?
"Goodbye, Bellatrix," he murmured softly. The last thing he remembered was the sound of the gun going off.
Remus finished reading out the police report. "She admitted the truth when she was on her deathbed," he said quietly. "There had been a string of robberies whilst the houses had been empty, which fit so well with her plan, but maybe she felt guilty enough to confess to what she had done. I also did research on your family. I have a tree if you need."
Sirius nodded. As Remus had talked about that night, the memories had flooded back to him. "I thought we were the start of our own alliance against the family. That her acceptance was the beginning of having a family again."
"Regulus had a son—Sirius, after you—but his son never had children," Remus said. "Your cousin Bellatrix never conceived either. Narcissa who was married to Lucius had a son, Draco. He married someone called Charlie Weasley and they adopted a son and continued the line from there. Andromeda married a Ted Tonks and was disowned. It was a huge scandal according to the reports I found. She moved to Scotland to get away from your family, having a daughter, Nymphadora. She had a son but the father wasn't listed and no marriage report, and her son married and they had two daughters and a son. I couldn't find any more of your family tree, but it doesn't end." He paused, letting it sink in. "So… bright light drawing you in?"
Sirius looked around. No light, no person to pull him through. He felt the same, though the knowledge that his own cousin had duped him and killed him hurt.
"I thought it was my father," he admitted softly.
"Your father died not long after you," Remus quietly said. "Your mother lived for another fifteen years. From what I've read, your father mourned you deeply. I have everything in this folder. Maybe we could sit down and go through anything you want."
Sirius nodded and led the way back to his grave. He wasn't going to cross over and was even more scared now. What if he never found a way to do so? Then when Remus died, they'd be separated once again.
"Remus, what… what's wrong?" Sirius asked six months later. It was summer and the sun was beaming down on them, but Remus was wrapped up in what appeared to be three jumpers and a scarf. He looked too frail now and Sirius was afraid. Even a simple cough made Remus extremely unwell for days.
Remus approached him, stumbling as he did so. On instinct, Sirius reached out, swearing as Remus fell into his arms. "Remus?"
"I paid for the plot next to yours," Remus admitted. "I had always assumed I'd be put to rest next to my mum, but her will said that she didn't belong in the ground - she wanted to fly free. I scattered her ashes when… when I was too scared to tell you about who had killed you. It was a relief to know that I didn't have to find a way for me and her to both be put here, so I'd rest by your side."
"You're not dying," Sirius insisted.
Remus smiled softly. "It's okay. I knew this day was coming," he said. "Come, I need to talk to the priest. I want to do my last confession. If it's okay with you, I want you to be with me when it happens."
Sirius nodded, his arms moving to clutch Remus tightly in a hug. "Remus, fight this."
Remus shook his head. "I can't anymore. I'm so tired. I was so drained, I had to get a cab here. I just needed to see you, let you know - help you over to mine like my mum did. I need you there with me and we might need to say our goodbyes."
Sirius felt a tear run down his face. "I'm not ready to say goodbye."
"Neither am I," Remus admitted, allowing Sirius to take his hand and leading them out.
Sirius ignored the discomfort and hint of pain as he was led from the grounds, into the church. He sat in silence with Remus as Remus had his confession, aware that the priest had glanced his way a few times, and had worked out what was happening.
"Do you believe in ghosts, Father?" Remus asked, towards the end of the confession.
The man nodded. "Religion is all about belief. We believe in many things we can't see or prove," he said.
Remus smiled. "I guess my final confession is that I fell in love with someone I shouldn't have," he admitted. "A ghost. I don't regret it, I just want to confess in case it's a sin anyway."
The goodbyes were quick, with the priest promising to hire someone immediately to take over tending the graves, and they walked slowly back to Remus' place.
He held Remus, watching the light slowly fade. His fingers ran through Remus' hair, caressing his face and jaw. He held Remus' hand in his own and made the most of the hours where they could physically touch. He wanted Remus to feel comforted, to not feel alone. This was about his love now, not about him. He whispered assurances to Remus that he should cross over if given the choice. The television was off and the sofa was turned towards the doors leading out into the small garden. They watched as the leaves slowly fell from the trees.
"I don't want to die a virgin," Remus requested.
Sirius laughed. "We're not having sex right now. We'll be together soon enough," he promised, knowing that Remus would cross-over to be with his mother and that Sirius would remain trapped on Earth. "Tomorrow. If you wake up in the morning, I'll do anything you ask."
Remus nodded through lidded eyes. "I'll hold you to that," he whispered. "I don't want to fall asleep."
Sirius smiled sadly. "Let's go to bed," he said. "If it pleases you, that is. We can spend our first night together comfortably." There were very few leaves on the tree now, nothing to watch to distract them from what was about to happen.
"It does please me," Remus whispered, a faint smile on his lips. "About time you took me to bed." Sirius led Remus down the hall to the bedroom. The bed was only a single and Sirius clung to Remus as they climbed on. If he let go for a second, he'd be thrown back to the graveyard. Knowing Remus, he'd somehow drag himself back there and Sirius couldn't allow that.
He held Remus, his arm wrapped tightly around him as Remus burrowed against his chest. "You know, it's my pleasure to please you," he whispered. "I'd do anything for you." The light faded even more, but Remus fought against sleep.
Sirius placed gentle kisses against Remus' face. "I love you," he whispered, as the light dimmed into almost nothing. There were only moments left and Sirius forced himself to be the beacon of calm that Remus needed.
"I love you," Remus whispered in return.
"I finally worked out why you could see me," Sirius said, wanting to bring one last smile to Remus' lips. "It's because we're soulmates, Remus. Because there's no way this world would stop soulmates from seeing each other."
"Soulmates," Remus agreed, his lips twisting into the faintest of smiles. His eyes closed for the last time and he drifted off to sleep.
Seconds later, his light went out and Sirius felt himself being thrown back to the graveyard.
"Sirius."
Sirius looked up from Remus' gravestone, tears on his cheeks. That voice was Remus' and he prayed that Remus had returned as a ghost. It was selfish, he knew, but he had never felt the same pain as the last couple of days.
The priest himself had walked into the graveyard, seeking Sirius out and explaining what had happened. He had gone over to Remus' house the next morning, suspecting the worst. His body had been found.
The funeral had been quick and Sirius had lost hope afterwards. He couldn't even lay a flower on Remus' grave. He cursed himself, making the mistake of falling in love with Remus. Because every loss had hurt so much, but this loss was the one to completely break him. If soulmates existed, he knew without a doubt that Remus was his.
But hearing Remus' voice, he spun around, expecting to find Remus there as a ghost.
"Are you ready to cross over?" Remus asked softly.
Sirius stared at his lover, before glancing at his outreached hand. "I don't understand."
"I told them I'm not crossing over without you - I was ready to strike any sort of bargain necessary because I don't want to ever be away from you again, but they said it was your time to come too," he said, a smile on his lips. Sirius noticed that Remus' face wasn't pale and gaunt anymore. "You were waiting for me."
"But… what about all of that time in between Regulus dying and me finding you?"
Remus chuckled. "You had a lot of unresolved business. First of all, your need to watch over your brother and secondly, you were too desperate to find out what had happened. Murder victims tend to need more closure."
"I found out what happened months ago, why didn't it work?"
"Would you have crossed over without me?" Remus checked. Sirius quickly shook his head and Remus laughed. "You were actually able to cross over the moment I told you how you died. But… you'd have refused and they knew that. They kept you down here because they knew you'd want to be here for me." He glanced behind him. "There's no bright light or anything. Just me, sent to bring you there with me. I thought we could do this together."
"And me," came a voice from behind him. A voice he remembered, though it didn't sound as croaky and aged as the last time he had heard it.
"Oi, I'm here too," came a third. Sirius spun around, struggling to breathe as he met the gazes of his brother and best friend.
"Come on, Sirius, time to come home," James said. The three moved closer, each finding a way to wrap their arms around him and Sirius grabbed at them, clinging tightly, the tears streaming down his face.
This was different than the burning pain of being thrown back to the graveyard. He took one last glance to where Remus' and his graves sat side by side. "I'm ready," he whispered.
Sirius was finally with the ones he loved, the ones he missed and most importantly, he was with his soulmate. The sensation of being alone was forgotten because he'd never be alone again.
There was no grey this time, only white.
Hope you enjoyed the fic :)