Scene I: Julie Kotter's living room, March 1980
(Juan is sitting on the couch reading to the now two-and-a-half-year-old twins. He doesn't acknowledge Vinnie, Freddie, and Arnold entering the front door in that order.)
JUAN: …Would you? Could you? In a car? Eat them! Eat them! Here they are. I would not,could not, in a car.
VINNIE: What kind of filth are you readin' to them innocent kids?
JUAN: It's Dr. Seuss. And can you at least knock before you drop in uninvited?
FREDDIE: We always drop in uninvited.
JUAN: Yeah, well, things are different now.
ARNOLD: (to Freddie and Vinnie) See, I told you.
JUAN: What?
ARNOLD: Juan, not in front of the K-I-D-S.
ROBIN: Goat!
JUAN: We're not up to that part yet, Chiquita.
VINNIE: There are goats in this?
JUAN: (sighing wearily) Could you, would you, with a goat?
VINNIE: Oo, nasty!
RACHEL: Nassy!
JUAN: OK, Girls, that's enough storytime. It's naptime.
TWINS: Aww, Tio Juan!
JUAN: You know what your mom said. (He scoops them both up and they giggle. He addresses his friends.) Back in a minute. Make yourselves at home. On second thought, don't. (He exits with the twins.)
VINNIE: (sitting on the couch and putting his feet up on the coffee table) Get him. You'd think it was his apartment.
FREDDIE: (sitting next to Vinnie and putting his feet up) Well, it practically is. I told you. He's gonna be shackin' up with Mrs. Kotter, now she's officially divorced.
ARNOLD: I dunno, Boom-Boom. Maybe they'll get married. Or maybe they won't rush into anything. But I think we should give them their space. Respect their privacy.
VINNIE: I never respected Epstein's privacy before. Why should I start now? Besides, he's committing a sin if he does anything with her now that she's divorced.
FREDDIE: You said it was a sin for them to date when she was just separated.
VINNIE: Well, in the eyes of the Church, she's married to Mr. Kotter forever.
FREDDIE: Barbarino, only half of one those three people is Catholic. And I went to the other half's Bar Mitzvah. (Juan reenters the room, unobserved.)
ARNOLD: Vinnie, if you think about it, all sex outside of marriage is a sin. What you do with girls is a sin.
VINNIE: But not a mortal sin. It's menial.
FREDDIE: (amused) No, Juan is the menial. Mrs. Kotter's foolin' around with the help.
JUAN: Thanks, Washington.
FREDDIE: Man, you're so sensitive these days!
JUAN: Yeah, I wonder why. I've only had everybody from Mr. Woodman to Julie's parents tell me I'm not good enough for her.
FREDDIE: Who cares what Woodman thinks?
ARNOLD: And didn't you impress Julie's parents with your farm skills?
VINNIE: Are we back to the goats again?
JUAN: Is this why you guys came over, to make fun of me?
ARNOLD: Of course not, Little Juan. We're here because this is a very important day.
JUAN: Friday?
ARNOLD: He's so cute when he plays dumb.
FREDDIE: I don't think he's playin'.
ARNOLD: It is of course the day that Julie Hansen Kotter's divorce from Mr. Kotter comes through.
JUAN: (putting his hand to his face) Oh, man, is that today?
ARNOLD: So cute.
JUAN: No, really, is it today?
FREDDIE: You forgot your girlfriend's divorce date? Next you'll be forgetting anniversaries. Chicks don't like that.
VINNIE: Wait, so, Epstein, that means that you don't got no plans for tonight?
JUAN: Plans?
VINNIE: You know. (suggestively) Plans.
FREDDIE: What happened to mortal sin?
VINNIE: Oh, he'll rot in Hell. But he's gonna do that just for the six months of makin' out. So he may as well get lucky now she's legal again.
JUAN: Look, Guys, Julie and I haven't talked about doin' it tonight specifically. And even if we had, it's none of your damn business.
ARNOLD: (putting his arm around Juan) Juan, Juan, it's OK. You two love each other and it's a natural expression of that love. Of course, if you want to wait till you get married, you have my blessing.
JUAN: Thanks, Arnold.
FREDDIE: (shaking his head) Man, six months without sex!
VINNIE: Seven. Remember, he was having that dry spell before?
FREDDIE: Oh yeah. It might be more like eight. Even nine.
VINNIE: You're right. He hardly dated last summer.
JUAN: It's getting late. I'm so sorry you two can't stay longer.
FREDDIE: See, like he owns the place?
VINNIE: I think Mrs. Kotter rents actually.
JUAN: Horshack, help me out here.
ARNOLD: Juan, as a married man, let me give you some advice. (Juan has a What did I do to deserve this? expression.)
FREDDIE: Oh, this oughta be good.
VINNIE: Yeah, no way I'm leavin' now.
ARNOLD: Juan, women are different from men.
VINNIE: (to Freddie) And you said he hadn't learned nothin' from bein' married.
ARNOLD: To a woman, sex is an expression of love.
VINNIE: Does Hotsy Totsy know?
FREDDIE: Yeah, she's "loved" a lot of guys.
ARNOLD: To a man, sex is sometimes a revelation of love.
FREDDIE: That's heavy, man, real heavy.
ARNOLD: Now, naturally, you're going to be nervous your first time—
JUAN: Arnold, my first time was in my second freshman year.
ARNOLD: I mean your first time with a woman you love.
VINNIE: (grinning) Oh, I'd pay money for this lecture. I can't wait to hear the cure for his nerves.
JUAN: (pulling away from Arnold) I'm not nervous!
FREDDIE: You should be.
JUAN: What?
FREDDIE: Well, look at the situation. You've got to follow in the, ahem, footsteps of her ex-husband. Not that I think Kotter was a super-stud.
VINNIE: You never know. He's got that mustache like a porn star.
FREDDIE: In any case, he's older, more experienced than you, especially with Mrs. Kotter.
ARNOLD: (whining) That's not what I meant!
FREDDIE: Oh, sorry, go back to your lecture.
JUAN: Guys, enough, OK? I know in your own weird ways, you're tryin' to be helpful, but like I been tellin' you for six months, butt out of my personal business.
FREDDIE: Gee, Vincent, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't it Juan Epstein who called up about six months ago saying, "I really need to talk to you guys. Can you meet me at Mort's Deli in an hour?"
VINNIE: Why, yes, Frederick, that is correct. And I believe that at Mort's Delicatessen he asked for our help and support.
ARNOLD: And that's what I'm trying to offer!
JUAN: (sighing) Fine, Arnold. Please continue your lecture.
ARNOLD: I just wanted to say that Mrs. Kotter is (as she does so) walking through the front door. Hi, Mrs. Kotter! How are you?
JULIE: Fine, Arnold. Juan, you didn't tell me you were going to invite company over.
JUAN: I didn't.
JULIE: Ah.
VINNIE: So, what's new, Mrs. Kotter? Or are you going back to your maiden name?
JULIE: (to Juan) You told them.
JUAN: No, they told me. I kinda forgot.
FREDDIE: (jumping to his feet and waving his hands at face level) No, no, no! You do not tell chicks that you forget important days!
VINNIE: (rising from the couch and looking at Julie) You gotta forgive Epstein, Mrs. Kotter. He's still new at this serious-boyfriend stuff.
ARNOLD: We're doing our best to guide him.
JULIE: That's very sweet of you.
JUAN: So it's official? Today's the day?
JULIE: Yes. I wanted to invite you to dinner to celebrate.
VINNIE: Aw, thanks, Mrs. Kotter, but I got a date. Unless she's invited, too?
JULIE: I meant just Juan.
FREDDIE: You know, this favoritism is really gettin' out of hand.
JUAN: (cutesy) I'm special. (His friends gag and then race out of the room.) Why didn't I think of that before?
JULIE: (doing so) I'd better lock the door before they come back.
JUAN: Good idea. I didn't want to hear any more of the Horshack Sutra.
JULIE: Excuse me?
JUAN: (embarrassed) They all think we're gonna do it tonight.
JULIE: You mean we're not?
JUAN: Well, we—I mean, did you want to?
JULIE: (coming closer) We have been moving towards that. And I'm not a married, or even separated, woman anymore.
JUAN: (nervous but also turned on) Yeah, that's true.
JULIE: But if you don't want to—
JUAN: I want to, I want to!
JULIE: Let's have dinner first.
JUAN: OK.
JULIE: (leaning in) I'm gonna make you something special.
JUAN: I just want something fast, it doesn't have to be good.
JULIE: (sensuously) Oh, it'll be good, but nice and slow.
JUAN: Oh God! Is it warm in here?
JULIE: I haven't even pre-heated the oven yet.
FREDDIE: (voiceover) Man, six months without sex!
JUAN: Tell me about it!
JULIE: What?
JUAN: Tell me about dinner.
JULIE: Well, I thought we'd start off with…. (She whispers in his ear, giving him a goofy grin. Cut to commercial.)
Scene II: Julie Kotter's bedroom, the next morning
(Juan wakes up alone, with a grin on his face.)
JUAN: Baby, that was so good last night. You're the best! I love you! (He reaches for her, but touches air. He opens his eyes.) OK, not a dream. I'm in her bedroom. Unless this is part of the dream. (Julie enters wearing a robe, her hair in a towel. He grins again.) Don't wake me.
JULIE: (sitting on the bed next to him) I'm real.
JUAN: Can I pinch you?
JULIE: Maybe later. I've got to make breakfast. What do you want?
JUAN: Well….
JULIE: I want that, too, Juan, but I do have to get going on my day.
JUAN: Come on, it's Saturday.
JULIE: That doesn't make any difference to toddlers.
JUAN: Oh, right. The twins. I kind of forgot you're a mom.
JULIE: I did, too, for a few hours.
JUAN: We weren't too loud, were we?
JULIE: (blushing) I think it was OK.
JUAN: I still think we should've gone to a hotel.
JULIE: Juan, I told you, I can't afford to pay a babysitter when I'm taking my babysitter to a hotel.
JUAN: I could've paid for it.
JULIE: On your salary?
JUAN: I could've borrowed the money.
JULIE: From whom?
JUAN: You?
JULIE: And then asked for a raise to cover it?
JUAN: Yeah.
JULIE: Juan, this situation is already weird enough. Don't make it weirder.
JUAN: I don't think that's possible.
JULIE: (smiling) You never know.
JUAN: So you're not coming back to bed, are you, Julie? (He says her name with the Spanish J.)
JULIE: Not till nighttime.
JUAN: (disappointed) Oh.
JULIE: Can you spend the weekend?
JUAN: Yeah, I don't have any plans.
JULIE: (grinning) You do now.
JUAN: (grinning back at her) Great. (He sits up and kisses her. We can see he's topless.)
JULIE: Juan, please, you once said you admire me for being a good mother.
JUAN: Yeah, and for being gorgeous.
JULIE: I remember.
JUAN: And you said I'm pretty sexy.
JULIE: I'll revise that to very sexy, but I do need to make breakfast.
JUAN: You want some help?
JULIE: Thank you, but I think you'd distract me too much.
JUAN: I'd definitely try.
JULIE: You take a shower while I'm cooking. Then get dressed.
JUAN: I didn't bring a change of clothes.
JULIE: Wear Gabe's pajamas.
JUAN: Yeah?
JULIE: Well, he's not using them.
JUAN: OK, it just got a little weirder. (She laughs and leaves the room.)
Scene III: The kitchen and living room, a few minutes later
(Julie turns on the radio. Heart's "Crazy on You" is playing. As Julie takes food out of the fridge, she hums along. Then as she starts fixing breakfast, she gets more into the song, lip-syncing, using the spatula as a microphone and dancing around. She takes off her towel, so her hair is loose and wild. She doesn't notice the front door open, as Gabe lets himself in. He watches in disbelief. Then she whirls around as she sings, "Crazy on you, crazy—" She freezes when she sees him.)
GABE: Hi, Honey, I'm home.
JULIE: (setting down the spatula) Uh, hi.
GABE: I see you didn't change the lock. That's a good sign.
JULIE: Gabe, what are you doing here?
GABE: Well, I used to live here.
JULIE: Yes, used to.
GABE: Julie, I probably should've called first, but I was afraid you'd hang up.
JULIE: Gabe, if you have anything to say, you can speak to my attorney.
GABE: Frederick P. Washington, Esquire?
JULIE: Well, he helped me with the paperwork.
GABE: That's great. I'm glad you're encouraging my ex-students. (She looks away, since he doesn't know about her and Juan.) But I've been thinking it over, and maybe I shouldn't have had you file for divorce.
JULIE: (looking at him again) Maybe?
GABE: No, definitely.
JULIE: Definitely?
GABE: Julie, I don't know how to say this, but I made a big mistake. Well, a series of big mistakes. But I'm going to make it up to you.
JULIE: You are?
GABE: I don't expect to win your forgiveness right away. But I'm willing to work at it for as long as it takes.
JULIE: Gabe, that's not necessary.
GABE: I mean it. You're worth it.
JULIE: Well, that's very flattering, but—Wait a minute. What about the woman you left me for? The one you said you were in love with?
GABE: It didn't work out.
JULIE: (crossing her arms) Uh huh.
GABE: Because she wasn't you! Only you are you.
JULIE: I see.
GABE: Julie, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I was an idiot to throw that away. But it didn't really hit me till yesterday, when the divorce became final. So I hopped on a bus and here I am.
JULIE: A bus from where?
GABE: Newark.
JULIE: Wow, I'm touched.
GABE: I think we need to start over.
JULIE: Gabe, I don't want our old life back.
GABE: No, that's what I'm saying. I'm going to stay in New York, but as the host of a cable show.
JULIE: Cable?
GABE: Yeah, do you have cable? I can show you the station. Well, they're only on between midnight and six, but we can wait.
JULIE: I can't afford cable.
GABE: Hey, it's not my fault you didn't want the alimony. And Washington, Esquire, was really pushing for it.
JULIE: I told you in my letter, I just want child support.
GABE: Hey, how are the girls?
JULIE: They're asleep.
GABE: Well, I'll see them when they wake up.
JULIE: Gabe, you seem to think you're sticking around all weekend, but you're not. This is no longer your home and I didn't invite you in.
GABE: OK, that's fair. Let me know when I can see them, and you.
JULIE: Gabe, I don't want to be the bad guy, but things have changed.
GABE: What things?
JULIE: Well, remember how I told you that Juan is the twins' babysitter?
GABE: Yeah, more of your Hire a Sweathog program. You got Horshack giving you financial advice?
JULIE: No, but with Juan, well, he's really good with the twins and—
JUAN: (entering in pajamas, his curly hair now wet) Hey, Julie, I looked in on the girls after my shower and they're still sleeping, so did you wanna—? (He notices Gabe.) Put off breakfast?
GABE: (stunned) Epstein?
JUAN: Hey, welcome back, Mr. Kotter.
GABE: Are those my pajamas?
JUAN: How I got in your pajamas, I'll never know. (He laughs nervously.)
GABE: What else have you been getting into? (Both Juan and Julie look embarrassed but also annoyed.) OK, I'm not going to get upset. I'm sure this is just one of those wacky misunderstandings. Like, Julie got home so late while you were babysitting that she said, "Hey, Juan, why don't you just sleep over on the couch?"
JULIE: He slept in my bed, Gabe.
GABE: He slept in our bed?
JULIE: No, it's not your bed anymore.
GABE: OK, he slept in the bed. And you slept on the couch.
JUAN: She slept in the bed, too.
GABE: OK, you two slept in the same bed. But you just slept.
JUAN: Well, we slept together, yeah.
GABE: Wearing my pajamas?
JUAN: No.
JULIE: Gabe, Juan and I slept together and we "slept together."
GABE: Epstein, you slept with my ex-wife in my ex-bed and now you're wearing my ex-pajamas?
JUAN: (touching the waistband) You want 'em back?
GABE: No, keep them. You've taken everything else.
TWINS: (offscreen) Tio Juan!
JUAN: (exiting) Uh, I'll be right back.
GABE: Tio Juan?!
JULIE: Yes, "tio" is Spanish for "uncle."
GABE: Thanks for the language lesson. So how long have you and Uncle John been carrying on?
JULIE: Carrying on?
GABE: I'm censoring myself.
JULIE: I didn't think you needed to worry about that on cable.
GABE: Julie, come on. This is crazy! You're dating or at least sleeping with Juan Epstein?
JULIE: Yes.
GABE: An unemployed semi-literate 19-year-old punk?
JULIE: He's 20 now.
GABE: Oh, I'm so sorry. He's practically ready for a pension.
JULIE: And he's not unemployed.
GABE: Right. He works for you. Did you sleep with Washington, too?
JULIE: That was uncalled for.
GABE: I'm sorry. It's just this is a little upsetting.
JULIE: I can see that.
GABE: So it's really over?
JULIE: Yes. But not just because of Juan. Gabe, let's face it, things haven't been right between us for a very long time.
GABE: (nodding sadly) You're right.
JULIE: I do hope we can be friends again someday.
GABE: Can I at least kiss you goodbye?
JULIE: (hesitantly) All right. (He comes over and kisses her, just as Juan reenters the room.)
JUAN: Another wacky misunderstanding?
GABE: (backing away from Julie) Just one last kiss.
JUAN: You're going?
GABE: Yeah, I think I'd better.
JUAN: Do we have your blessing?
GABE: My blessing?
JUAN: Yeah, it'd be nice if you could accept us.
GABE: Well, you at least don't have my curse. (Juan comes over and gives Gabe a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.) Julie didn't tell me you're into the kinky stuff.
JUAN: Well….
GABE: That was a joke.
JUAN: Oh, right. (He lets go of Gabe.)
GABE: (to Julie) Is that the appeal? Or is it that he's half your age?
JULIE: Two-thirds, and no.
JUAN: Hey, age is just a number, Mr. Kotter.
JULIE: And how old was the woman you left me for, Gabe?
JUAN: Hey, that's right. What about that bimbo floozy?
GABE: Bimbo floozy? Have you been watching Laverne & Shirley?
JUAN: Yeah, every Tuesday. Me, Julie, and the twins watch it after Happy Days. But don't worry, we don't let them watch Three's Company. It's a little too grown-up for them.
GABE: I don't believe this. It's like you've moved into my life.
JUAN: I'm not tryin' to replace you, Mr. Kotter. I'm my own person.
GABE: Julie, is this what you want out of life? Fooling around with your babysitter?
JULIE: He's not just my babysitter.
GABE: Well, yeah, I can see that.
JULIE: I mean he's a very talented artist.
JUAN: Yeah, she's been encouraging me with my painting.
GABE: And modeling for you I suppose?
JUAN: Nah, we discussed that, and we thought it'd be a little distracting, especially before we, uh, consummated.
JULIE: Of course, that caused a problem when his nude model found out that he'd been celibate for four months and wanted to "help" him.
JUAN: But me and Julie worked through that.
JULIE: (smiling at him) We've been through a lot.
GABE: And now you get to deal with the ex-teacher/ ex-husband.
JUAN: Hey, you want to see the twins?
GABE: Do they even remember me?
JUAN: (shrugging) If not, you can get reacquainted. (to Julie) If that's all right with you?
JULIE: (sighing) Gabe, you may as well stay for breakfast.
GABE: (sincerely) Thank you. (Cut to commercial.)
Scene IV: The kitchen, about half an hour later
(The adults and the twins are at the table, Juan in between the Kotters. Juan is wearing his clothes from the day before, and Julie is wearing the pajamas. She's wiping the twins' faces since they've been feeding themselves. Juan looks at her adoringly. Gabe looks wistful, realizing what he's lost, but grateful that things aren't as bitter as they could be.)
GABE: So did I ever tell you about my Uncle Artie? (They all look at him.)
JULIE: Why, no, Gabe, I don't believe you did.
JUAN: It's new to me. You girls heard it before? (The twins shake their heads.)
GABE: OK, so my Uncle Artie always wanted to visit Australia. He saved up his money for years and one day he finally went. Unfortunately, his first day of sightseeing, he got a bad headache. He thought it was just jet lag, so he took two aspirin and continued his tour. But the headache didn't go away.
JULIE: That's awful!
JUAN: What did he do?
GABE: Well, he asked the tour guide where he should go for treatment. And the guide directed him to Mercy Hospital. The doctor there told him he'd have to stay overnight for observation. The nurse came in later and when she heard about Artie's headache, she said she had the perfect cure.
JULIE: What was that?
GABE: She told him that there was an amazing tea made from the fur of the koala, with great healing properties.
JUAN: The koala?
GABE: Yeah, the koala. Uncle Artie said, "I'm willing to try anything at this point," so she brought him a cup of liquid. He looked in the cup and saw it had a bunch of fur at the bottom. "I can't drink that!" he cried. "Couldn't you strain it or something?" The nurse was indignant. "Sir, I'll have you know that the koala tea of Mercy is not strained!" (Julie laughs.)
JUAN: I don't get it.
JULIE: I'll explain it later. (Gabe shakes his head and the twins giggle.)
(Roll the closing credits.)
Author's Note: I kept the 1978-79 ABC Tuesday night line-up intact (unlike in real life, where Laverne & Shirley got moved for '79-80), on the grounds that Welcome Back Kotter getting a fifth season would affect the rest of the schedule. And the joke works better this way.