DISCLAIMER: HOMESTUCK BELONGS TO ANDREW HUSSIE.
WHICHEVER HOLIDAYS YOU CELEBRATE, I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT WINTER!
Karkat pushes through the throngs of tightly bundled last-minute shoppers, nearly slipping on the slick pavement covered in a thin layer of frost. The air is sharp and burns his lungs with each inhalation, puffing out through his chapped lips. He tries not to be too rough with the passerby around him, but he's freaking out, and really, why would you bring your poor kids out here today anyway? It's the day before Christmas Eve, whatever that is.
After winning the game, one of the first things the humans had done was introduce them to their 'winter holidays'. There had been several of them, but Karkat had stopped listening after John launched into a detailed description of something called a Menorah, and Jade spouted something about hanging ornaments on a tree. Honestly, what kind of freakish holiday is celebrated by lighting things on fire and bringing huge trees covered in glass into your hive? Karkat was sick of the giddy anticipation that had slowly spread from the humans to the trolls, like some kind of infection. Sick of snow in his hair, horrible songs blasting from every available radio (not to mention John's singing 24/7) and most of all, sick of this crowd!
He supposes this mess is his fault, but that doesn't make it any more tolerable. The kids had warned him not to put off shopping until the last minute, but nothing could have prepared him for this insanity. He wouldn't be here at all, if it weren't for his matesprit.
While Karkat had scoffed at the silly holiday shenanigans, Eridan had soaked it up like a sponge. He'd started ditching Karkat to go hang out with Jade and Dave, baking cookies and listening to their horrible music and decorating their house with all manner of hideous lights. And that had been all right with Karkat; he'd never pass up a little peace and quiet. He liked Eridan a lot, really, but he could be…something of a handful. So it was alright, until the kids came to their hive and started with their decorating. Now the place looked like him and Nepeta had exploded all over it, or so he told Eridan of the hideous clashing colors. Eridan had just scowled at him and gone back to talking to Feferi. The two of them had reinstated their moiraillegience, which was surprising, but hardly the most shocking of the post-game matchups.
Karkat had taken refuge with talking to Kanaya, who found the decorations as atrociously tacky as he did, but that didn't last for long before Rose had her joining their Christmas cult too.
Despite all his complaints, Karkat couldn't bring himself to hate the holiday. Everyone was just so damn happy, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't catch himself getting caught in their mood too. When the first snow had fallen, he'd shaken Eridan awake and the two of them had stood outside, silent, watching the snowflakes drift to the ground, where they melted and became soft as the expressions on their faces. Of course, Eridan had ruined it by dumping an armful of snow down Karkat's shirt, but still. Karkat had at least gotten him back- apparently snow does not feel very pleasant against gills.
So here he was, now fighting his way through the mall. While everyone else snuggled up in sweaters with Hot Cocoa, their presents neatly wrapped, he was elbowing an old man out of his way to get into Hollister. (Which he left as soon as he entered. No way was he ever letting Eridan find this store, the troll would probably move in.)
Eventually, after scouring the last meager offerings still on sale, he has found something for everyone but Eridan. Never having been one to admit defeat, however, he doesn't let himself worry- there was always Plan B anyway; it just needs a few final touches.
When he comes home, he finds Kanaya sitting on the couch with Rose.
"Good afternoon, Karkat. I see you had some success?" Kanaya says, nodding to his shopping bags.
"Yeah, hey Kanaya, hey Rose. Nothing for fishface but that's ok, I hope. Knowing him it doesn't matter what I give him, he'll end up bitching about it anyway," Karkat says, ripping off his scarf. It gets stuck on his face and he flails around trying to get it off.
"Real smooth, Karkat. I can see why he can't get enough of you. You've gotta have the ladies and gents lining up with moves like that, longer than the line of crying kids to see mall Santa," says a voice from the kitchen.
"Shut up Strider, no one asked you!" Karkat yells, having finally freed himself.
Dave just shrugs and continues eating a cookie.
"And I still think your 'mall Santa' is the creepiest shit I've ever had the displeasure of being forced to hear about. The ritual of bringing your young to see a bearded stranger is one of the most Satanic things ever."
"No one said it wasn't. But come on Karkat, you've got to love mall Santa. You're committing Christmas treason by not telling him what you want. All you're getting is heaping lumps of coal this year. Some people just don't have the spirit."
"Strider, which one of us is currently wearing a light up headband?" Karkat says, hands on his hips.
"Vantas, don't even lie, you wanna jump me and my Christmas-light headband so bad right now, the only thing stopping you is your hipster boyfriend. Don't hate just because you don't have my style," Dave says, as the bulbs on his headband switch from red to green to gold. Rose stifles a giggle while Kanaya just stares at the gaudy headwear as though it personally offends her.
"Dave, your sense of style is shoved so far up your ass it's sprouted out of your thick skull in the form of that disgusting piece of garbage. And stop eating our cookies, god, you're like a trash compacter! Jade's going to kick you out if you get any fatter."
"Bro, that really hurts. Plus it was kind of gross. Does anyone else think it's getting cold in here? And not from the weather- you're attitude is giving me frostbite all over, everywhere, in places you-"
"Ok, we're done here." Karkat says quickly. Dave puts the half eaten cookie down, surreptitiously turning to the side and checking his reflection in the mirror, pinching the folds of his jacket around his waist. "Stupid Karkat," he mutters. "Everyone knows Christmas calories don't count, god."
"Wait a second, where's Eridan?" Karkat says.
"You just noticed he isn't here?" Rose says.
"Well forgive me if I've been a little preoccupied!" Karkat yells.
"I believe he said he was going shopping. I'm surprised you didn't run into him," Rose replies.
"That little…here I am feeling like the worst matesprit in history, and he's only now dragging his ass to the store! Figures, typical Ampora," Karkat growls.
"Oh, before I forget Karkat, Porrim made this for you. She wanted to give it to you a bit early so you could have it to wear tomorrow for the party," Kanaya says, holding out a package to him.
"Oh, really? That was nice of her; she didn't have to go through all the trouble and wrap- what the fuck is this supposed to be!" Karkat exclaims, his voice climbing an octave. Inside the green paper sits the most awful, glaringly bright red sweater he has ever seen. There is only one thing that could rival how utterly repulsive this garment is, and that's-
"Does she want me to match freaking Kankri?" Karkat growls through gritted teeth.
Rose and Dave openly laugh, while Kanaya tries and fails to disguise her amusement.
She says, "Well, yes, I believe that was her intention. I mean, they're not exactly the same, but,"
"They're close enough! Is this some sick joke?" Karkat says.
"Karkat, that's hardly a considerate way to show your appreciation. I'm sure she put a lot of work into that," Rose says.
"No, she didn't. I can tell this is the second worse thing she's ever made. The first one was never meant to be worn, and this one isn't either," Karkat says.
"Oh, quit whining. She made one for everyone, it's supposed to be an ugly sweater party," Kanaya says.
"Ugly is right, but don't let him hear you say that," Karkat says.
"I think it looks real slick Vantas. I love the stuff Maryam knits me, wear that shit with pride," Dave says.
Karkat just rolls his eyes, setting the sweater on the table next to an empty fishbowl. Its previous inhabitant, a goldfish called Finley, had regrettably passed away the previous week. You could hardly blame the two boys: they could hardly remember to take care of themselves, let alone a pet. But Eridan had still cried for about five agonizing minutes while Karkat awkwardly shoosh papped him. It had been a dark day for them both.
At that moment, Eridan flings open the door.
"Kar you would not believe the amount a- oh, hey Dave, Rose, Kan… Karkat what is that thing?"
"Don't worry Eridan, Porrim made you one too," Kanaya says, handing him a bright purple sweater. He holds it up incredulously.
"You gotta be kiddin me."
When unfolded, it comes down to only just above his hips, half the length of a normal shirt.
"She said she figured you'd only need half a sweater," Kanaya chokes out, jade tears dripping from her eyes as she struggles not to burst out laughing.
Eridan's face is violet with rage and his hands shake. At this point, every bit of Karkat's self restraint is being used not to laugh himself.
"What are you Maryams playin at! This is not funny, oh god, I can't even…You! This is just," he sputters.
"Oh, Eridan!" Kanaya gasps. "It really is humorous, just calm down and think about it."
"Really, what's up with all the passive aggressive jibes from her? Am I wrong to assume everyone's sweater is equally horrendous and offensive?" Karkat asks, a few chuckles leaving his lips.
Kanaya shakes her head. "No, she went out of her way to ensure they were, in fact."
"Kar, don't you dare laugh at this! You are not nearly concerned enough for my well bein, I could have serious trauma an emotional scarrin," Eridan says, pouting.
"I'm sure it doesn't hold a candle to your physical scarring," Rose says, and Kanaya doubles over in a fit of hysterics.
"Eridan, please don't be mad, I didn't make them, Porrim did! And let's remember this was not a one-sided incident," Kanaya says with a pointed look.
He blushes and quickly says, "Yeah yeah, I know, ok, whatever. I'll even wear the damn thing if you never bring that little mishap up again Maryam, oh god, how many times am I gonna have to bribe you?"
"Maybe a couple more. The wine you gave her last time was delicious," Rose says.
"You two are impossible! Fine, see if you get anythin from me tomorrow," Eridan says.
"Ok, ok, let's calm the fuck down. You three: out of my hive, now. I'll be seeing you enough tomorrow, I have stuff to do," Karkat says.
"I'll bet you do," Dave says as he walks out the door.
"Shut up, Strider, that's not what I meant and you fucking know it, you insufferable pri-" Karkat's rant is cut off as Dave slams the door, shouting,
"Later Vantas, fishface!"
Once their gone, Karkat sinks onto the couch with a sigh, massaging his temples.
In the kitchen, Eridan finds a half eaten cookie on the counter.
"Kar, what is this disgustin rubbish doin on the table?"
Karkat groans and flops onto his back.
"Don't even ask."
He's already getting a headache, and they haven't even had the party yet. Karkat rolls onto his side. This holiday stuff is insane.