AN: The thought of this just made me laugh. A lot. Enjoy.
The general consensus was that the reason that Emily refused painkillers was because they never worked on her. After a few years in the BAU it wasn't questioned anymore and most EMTs didn't get a chance to even offer her some anymore because either Hotch or Morgan let them know it would be a waste of time. No matter how badly she was injured, Emily was given as little pain medication as possible because it apparently had little to no effect on her.
However today they found out the truth as to why Emily never took pain medication. It wasn't that it didn't work on her. The truth was that they tended to work a little too well.
The case had been a local one which brought the usual double-edged sword. On the one hand not having to go cross-country meant they worked reasonable hours and slept in their own beds. On the other the fact a serial killer was working practically in their own back yard put more pressure than usual on them to catch their Unsub. Of course in the end they did, but not before their Unsub got a chance to fight back. There were no serious injuries and indeed the real fun began when they got back to the bullpen.
By the time they were ready to leave, Emily was sitting slumped in her chair. Her head was craned back, turned towards the ceiling and she was using her toes to lightly spin herself around, giggling as she did. It took the team 0.2 seconds to realise something was seriously wrong.
"Emily, are you alright?" Reid asked and Emily gave a wide grin back.
"I-I am awesome." Emily replied in an airy tone which indicated she was anything but.
"Are you drunk?" Morgan asked, a touch of concern in his voice. It was quickly forgotten as Emily laughed and shook her head.
"I wish. I got- I got- I dunno what I got but it was goood." Emily replied lazily, drawing out the last word. A few feet away, JJ realised what had happened and turned to Hotch and Rossi; her expression almost being one of panic except that JJ didn't panic. Ever.
"She's been given painkillers." JJ explained and resisted the urge to roll her eyes at their lack of response. "Despite what she says, Emily can't take painkillers because they make her as high as a kite. Trust me, I've been her High-Dialler for the past few years, she will be like this for hours."
"So what do we do?" Hotch asked as Emily attempted to ruffle Reid's hair and Rossi pulled out his phone, only for JJ to slap his wrist and shake her head in a 'don't you dare' manner.
"Get her away from Reid for a start, he looks terrified." JJ replied and Hotch nodded, walking over to Emily and standing over her.
"What did you get given?" Hotch asked and Emily pulled a face.
"I dunno. But you need some happy pills." Emily retorted and Morgan quickly stopped a burst of laughter escaping him as Hotch's eyebrows almost lifted into his hair. "Well you do. As sexy as your whole tall, dark, handsome, tough guy in a suit thing is; you look better when you smile. And sexier. Now if you'll excuse me bossman, I'm busy."
With that Emily began spinning her chair around again; Hotch looked at the team to see Reid looking awkward, Morgan and Rossi trying not to laugh and JJ looking at Emily with concern all over her face. This was the equivalent to drunk-talking for Emily which meant there may or may not be a certain amount of truth in her speech. Hotch blinked and turned his attention back to the matter of hand which was his stoned co-worker.
"Ok you need to go home or lie down somewhere." Hotch said as he reached for Emily's hands and helped pull her to her feet. Once she was standing, Emily attempted to bat his hands away.
"I can walk," Emily argued but the pain medication coupled with the dizziness from the chair spinning meant she stumbled about two steps before she fell forward and Hotch caught her again, pulling her close to his chest. He attempted to put her arm around his neck but it was clear she wasn't going to do much walking. Hotch himself had injured his right arm so he couldn't carry her and so he turned to the rest of the team.
"Feel free to help anytime." Hotch said but Reid and JJ were too busy trying to ensure nobody else got into the bullpen; Emily shouldn't have anymore witnesses to her stoned state. Morgan was too busy filming this on his phone and Rossi simply smirked at Hotch.
"You seem to be handling this fine to me." Rossi retorted. Hotch bit back a curse and turned his attention back to Emily. She was quite light he reasoned and whilst he couldn't carry her on his bad arm; with a bit of pain he was able to lift her over his shoulder in a fireman's lift which would allow him to put her on the sofa in his office so that she would hopefully sleep the meds off.
"You didn't even buy me a drink first." Emily slurred as Hotch turned and began walking towards his office. Emily looked down and with her free hand managed to slap him hard on the backside.
"Emily!" Hotch said but Emily ignored him in favour of looking up and around for JJ, spying her at the door.
"Told you it was firm!" Emily called, groping Hotch's ass again as Hotch carried her into his office and set her down on the small sofa. "Sex in the office? I shoulda known you've some fetish. You'd be boring otherwise."
Hotch decided not to dignify that with a response and instead went over to the cabinet and pulled out a blanket from one of the drawers. He had put it there after one too many nights crashing in the office. Hotch set the blanket carefully around Emily who was curled up in a ball and finally seemed to be coming down from her high.
"You know what? You're nice, not a douche at all. I thought you were a douche, but you're not." Emily mumbled groggily as her high seemed to be rapidly turning to exhaustion.
"Thanks, I think." Hotch replied as Emily attempted to sit up and failed, slumping back onto the cushions again.
"Is good. I like nice Hotch better than grumpy Hotch. He's a butthole." Emily claimed and despite being referred to as a 'butthole'-what was she? 6?- Hotch smiled at Emily.
"I'll keep that in mind." Hotch said as Emily nodded sleepily.
"You should, otherwise I won't like you anymore." Emily said and with that, she promptly passed out on his sofa. Hotch watched her sleep for a few moments before he turned and quietly slipped out of his office. The rest of the team were still there and he looked at each of them before taking Morgan's phone and deleting the video he shot.
"None of us ever speaks of this again. Agreed?" Hotch said in his usual no-nonsense tone and the team looked at each other and nodded their heads.
"Agreed." They said but as the team left, Rossi smirked at Hotch again.
"I think it's safe to say we learnt something new about Emily today. Didn't we?" Rossi asked and Hotch glared at him and shook his head.
"Shut up Dave."