AN: Another new fic, so soon? Amazing, I know. But I told you guys I was going to try to start posting more again and I meant it.
This was written during a random bout of depression this summer and only just finally got around to typing it up. This kinda broke my heart a little bit while I was writing it, and then again while I typed it up. I have no idea how anyone can write stuff like this all the time, kudos.
I'm putting this down as completed, but when I ever become heavily depressed again for no reason, I have a second part planned out that will follow season 6.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, though this could so pass as canon. Just ask any Destiel shipper. *wink, wink*
Warning: Spoilers for the season 4 finale as well as most of season 5. Un-beta'd as usual. Forgive all spelling and grammar errors.
I'm on the outside, I'm looking in
I can see through you, See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly, You're Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
Outside by Staind
Dean always had an emotional barrier up, not letting anybody except his brother get close to him. Not even Bobby was allowed past the inner shields that surrounded his heart. While everyone saw this behavior as the hunter not wanting others to get hurt because of him, Castiel knew better. He knew Dean kept everyone at arm's length because he was the one who didn't want to be hurt by them. And in a sad way, it made perfect sense. Everyone he'd ever cared about had died at one point or another. His mother, father, brother and friends had all been taken away from him at some point over the years.
As much as he always tried to keep up the appearance that he didn't give a damn about any of it, every death weighed upon him heavily. Especially the deaths of those he couldn't save. He desperately didn't want to care and that somehow made him care even more.
Every time Castiel looked at Dean, he could see all this clear as day. He had touched the hunter's very soul, giving him this rare insight as to how his mind worked. It saddened him to know that Dean honestly did not want to be connected to anyone, to love or be loved, at all. And for that, the angel couldn't help but love him.
He wanted to share his love with him, not caring if it was returned or not, but he had no way of knowing how to go about showing it. The feelings he had were different from the kind of love he had for his brothers and sisters, or for God.
So he did his best to do whatever Dean asked of him; trying to prove him that he was there for him and always would be, without actually saying the words.
Heaven had tried to set him straight, show him that the human wasn't worth the penalties of disobedience. But in the end, Dean had convinced him otherwise, once again. He fell for him. He died for him.
When he found himself astonishingly alive, he took it as a sign from his Father to continue following the path he had started down.
Castiel watched from a distance when Dean and Sam went their separate ways after defeating War. He could see the Righteous man breaking with every step his brother took away from him; feel the growing sorrow in his chest. That moment the angel knew that Dean shouldn't be left on his own. He kept track of him over the days, never venturing far from his presence. Even if the hunter didn't know he was there, Castiel could see him visibly relax whenever he returned from his brief expeditions for God. This proved to him that even if Dean didn't realize it, he needed someone there and the angel was more than willing to be that someone.
Soon Castiel grew desperate to find some sign of God, so the apocalypse could end and Dean would be free to make amends with his brother and finally find some form of peace in his life. For even though he didn't show it outwardly, the older Winchester was slowly becoming more and more depressed, more desperate and reckless while hunting. So Castiel decided to summon an archangel. He was frightened though, seeing as the only one with a willing vessel was the same one that had killed him a short time ago. Steeling himself, he appeared in Dean's current motel room to ask for his help. There was a pleasant flutter in his Grace when the man agreed to help. A small grain of hope that he might survive this encounter with the archangel embedded itself in his heart as he followed Dean out to the Impala.
After confronting Raphael, the younger angel couldn't bring himself to just watch over Dean without his knowing again. He accompanied the hunter, providing whatever assistance he could. A bond stronger than just angel and charge grew, a friendship was born. Dean trusted him with his back now, allowing the angel to be just a little close to his heart than most. Castiel didn't understand how, but his love for the man grew. And yet he still was unsure how to express it.
When Dean and Sam finally started hunting together gain, Castiel found he no longer needed to watch over his charge, that his brother was there to fill that role once more. He felt an ache in his chest at the idea of Dean not needing him anymore. But that fear was unfounded as the hunter continued to call upon him for assistance and comradery.
Following the events in Carthridge, the angel once again stayed close to the brothers, close to Dean. With his waning powers, it became harder to do everything Dean asked of him, but he did what he could. When Dean demanded he take both him and his brother into the past to stop Anna, Castiel tried to protest, but only half heartedly as he knew that if Dean kept pressing he would give into him. And as always, Dean kept pressing for what he wanted. He knew it would leave him severely weakened; he gave in and did as the hunters requested.
The trip to the past left him even more weakened than he had anticipated and the return trip even more. He was unaware mostly of what had all happened, knowing only blackness and flashes of color. When he awoke, it was to Dean's worried face. An unknown feeling flashed through his body, making him hot and light headed. The older Winchester was speaking to him, trying to push him back flat onto the bed when he sat bolt upright. The contact increased the feeling coursing through him, and not knowing how to handle it, he fled.
He found himself sitting on a park bench at night, the intense feeling he had been feeling with Dean lessened every second. He put his face in his hands and sighed loudly. Perhaps he should finally confront Dean about this, his feelings for him… No. Doing so would cause the hunter to distance himself from him and his connection to the hunter was one of the few things keeping him from giving up hope on stopping Lucifer once and for al. He'd just have to keep soldiering on and let this problem work itself out.
When the Winchesters returned from Heaven with the news that God wouldn't help them, that God, his Father, didn't care anymore; Castiel nearly broke. All he had believed in was gone. He had nothing left.
But then he realized that wasn't true, he still had Dean. The Righteous man still refused to say 'yes' to Michael. So Castiel stayed close to him, continued to help in whatever way he could. As long as Dean stayed strong, he would as well.
But then Dean was gone too. He'd given up the fight and left everyone who cared about him behind because after all this time, he still was the one who didn't want to be hurt by others. He didn't want to keep seeing Bobby stuck in a wheelchair because of him, didn't want to see his brother say 'yes' to the Devil. Twice he left them all, with the intention of saying 'yes' to the archangel.
And as much as Castiel loved him, the anger that came over him when he found him trying to say yes the second time was so great, that he felt almost no remorse while he took his frustrations out on him physically. While his fists beat the hunter's flesh, his heart broke at the careless betrayal this man at his feet had caused.
Watching Dean's unconscious form after bringing him back to Bobby's, Castiel knew he couldn't stand by and watch events unfold any longer. He would throw himself away at the first chance he got. Because it was painfully obvious that Dean was going to say 'yes' and after Michael took hold, there would be nothing left of the man he loved, except an empty shell.
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done 's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done 's forgiven
Forgiven by Within Temptation
His opportunity came sooner than he could hope for. After the angels took Adam, Castiel took the older Winchesters to Van Nuys, where the Green Room was located. He knew there would be guards inside, waiting to stop the rescue attempt. Seizing his chance to do one last thing for Dean, he had him carve the angel banishing sigil into his chest before he went inside.
He didn't tell the boys, that as weak as he was now, that this would more than likely kill him. Though from the looks on their faces before he entered the warehouse, they had worked that out for themselves. Dean had looked like he wanted to say something just before Castiel went through the door, but the angel made sure not to glance back from his mission, knowing his resolve would be gone if he did.
When he pressed his hand to the sigil, he was consumed by the anguish of never being able to show Dean that someone had accepted him for everything that he was and wasn't. He found himself wishing that he had had the nerve to actually tell the hunter that he loved him.
Then there was nothing for a very long time.
Coming back to the world again was difficult for him. He awoke with the feeling of complete emptiness, sadly realizing that he was missing his Grace, that he was human now and Dean was gone.
But after a day, he realized that the world was still as it was before, that Michael and Lucifer hadn't torn it apart yet. Without a second thought he called Dean, hoping against hope that he was still, in fact, Dean. When the hunter's deep voice greeted him, his heart swelled with enough happiness to make his chest hurt. He knew immediately that he had to do whatever it took to get back to him. He may not be an angel anymore, but he could still be useful. He had to be, for Dean.
They defeated Pestilence, stopped the Croatonan virus and got Death's ring. And now Sam was going to say yes to Lucifer and sacrifice himself to save the world.
Castiel watched as Dean tried to stay strong, tried to convince himself that this was the only way. The former angel could still see into his soul, could see the sorrowful turmoil raging behind the calm fascade. He wanted nothing more than to embrace this man, show him that he wouldn't be alone after this was all over. But once more, he couldn't bring himself to risk being pushed away. Especially since now Dean was all he had in this life.
Their plan fell through; Lucifer took Sam and went to find Michael, who had ended up taking Adam as a vessel instead of Dean. Unable to come up with another solution, Castile was prepared to give in and despair. But Dean was refusing to lie down without a fight. His drive to find his brothers and stop the apocalypse gave Castiel the drive he needed to continue fighting till the end.
He found himself in Stull Cemetery, setting the archangel Michael alight with a Holy Fire Molotov. The second his eyes met with Lucifer's, he knew it was the end of him. Again. And once more, he was content with his fate. He'd been able to give Dean what he needed, one last time.
Suddenly he was standing in the cemetery again. The powers of Heaven filled him once more, stronger than ever. He amended all the physical hurts brought on by the day; healing Dean's injuries and bringing Bobby back to life.
He rode with Dean in the Impala when it came time to leave the now emotionally haunted field. They sat in silence for a long time, the scenery flashing past as the car traveled down the road. The hunter's pain and anger at the loss of his brother radiated from him. Castiel sat beside him, stealing worried glances at him. He wanted to do something, anything, to sooth the distressed man. There was a need to stay and ensure the hunter's safety from himself, but he knew that Dean was going to keep the promise he'd made his brother to live an apple pie life with Lisa. Which meant no more hunting for the last Winchester, and by extension, no contact with anything Supernatural. As an angel once more, there was no way he could fit into that picture with Dean. It broke his heart to admit it to himself, but sometimes the truth did that.
So he made the decision to return to Heaven. He'd be able to watch over Dean from there and ensure that nothing undid the work that the three had just done. Dean was of course angry with him for leaving, not understanding the angel's reasoning. And Castiel wanted to explain, so badly, but if he told the hunter his true reasoning, Dean might not follow through on the promise he'd made his little brother. Or worse, he would be glad that Castiel was returning to Heaven, happy that he was out of his life.
Without another word, Castiel left. He left the one he loved most, unable to trust himself to not say three simple words aloud to end all the anger if he stayed in the Impala another moment. Standing on the roadside, he watched as the sleek black car, and Dean, continued to drive away. He felt tears gathering in his eyes as he finally allowed himself to say the words he'd been wanting to say since he raised the Righteous man from perdition.
"I love you, Dean Winchester."
He felt a wet drop fall onto his cheek before he turned away and returned to his home for the first time in a long time.
He had work to do. For Dean.
You were standing in the wake of devastation
And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying "Save me now"
You were there, impossibly alone
Iridescent by Linkin Park