I can't sleep.

This is nothing new; I haven't slept decently – on and off – since I left California sixteen years ago, with a daughter not mine, but more mine than I could possibly explain to anyone. Speaking of…I tap on her bedroom door. "Honey?"

"Yeah, Mom?"

"Why aren't you in bed?"

"Studying for my Biology exam."

"Go to bed. You'll learn more after a full night's sleep. You know teenagers need more sleep than toddlers!"

I hear her laugh. ""Night, Mom."

"'Night, love."

I walk down the hall to the kitchen, nudging our English mastiff out of the way. "It's me, Nate. Hush now." I named him after the one person after my husband's death that really got to me. Still does, if I'll admit it. In fact, those dreams are why I can't sleep tonight. I keep seeing his eyes in my mind, keep feeling his hand brush my hair from my eyes.

I don't know where he is tonight, if he still walks the back alleys of that dirty island, doing the job he's so good at yet says he hates so much. I wonder if he ever accepted that part of him, the part that would light up at my razor collection that I now stand on tiptoe to retrieve from the top of the kitchen cabinet. Don't ask why I feel the need to sneak in my own home, the home I own free and clear thanks to my late biological father.

In the bath now, the air steamy from the hot water, I open the wooden case and let my fingers dance over the selection of blades. Most of these my late husband Akino gave me, but there is one…..there it is. My fingers close on it as I remember him saying, "What is that?"

I responded, a little flirtatiously, "Isn't it pretty? It's my favorite." For one second after I said that, one-half of one second, I saw recognition in his eyes. Understanding.

I want to see that again. The blade traces my ribs below my left breast, and the trickle of red makes me sigh in both relief and longing. Are you still there?

Piles of mail are on the table; none for me. They're all for my daughter, Satsuki Yamazaki Kurata. Not even a junior in high school, she's taking college courses "for fun" online, and she wants to be a doctor. I adopted her; my…friend, Keiko, wasn't able to raise her. I wonder what Keiko would think of her. I can definitely see her in Satsuki as she flips through the stack of letters from colleges who are recruiting her already.

"No. No. No. No….Mom, I don't like any of these."

I laugh. "Darling, you still have plenty of time to decide."

"Mom? Do you ever want to go back?"

"Go back where?"

"Sanitarium Island."

I freeze. "Why do you say that?"

"Well, GeneCo's still the best place to be if you want to be on the cutting-edge of the medical field. You know that's what I want to go to school for, Mom. Let's go back."

"We'll see, dear."

"Mom…"

"I said, we'll see," I stand and start to clear the table. First my dreams get more persistent, then this. Is it a sign? Should I go back? After all this time, there's surely nothing left there for me. Mag and I talk every day online, but she never has much to say. "How are you?" "I love you , sis." There's so much danger there. For me especially.

But I said we'd see, so I'll think about it.

AN: Yes, this is a "Mary Sue" fic. OK? It developed from an RP character I used to have on Facebook. Yes, there is also a first part to this story, that I'm trying to recreate as I lost it when I deleted my RP account. Patience and tolerance are requested, and please don't flame. Be honest and constructive with your criticism; if it being a "Mary Sue" is your only beef, don't bother telling me. Thanks for reading!