DREAMWORKS PICTURES, 2001

Once upon a time, there was a lovely Princess

But she had an enchantment upon her of an awful sort, that could only be broken by True Love's First Kiss

She was Locked away in a tower, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing Dragon

Many brave Knights had attempted to free from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed

She waited in the Dragon's keep, in the tallest room of the tallest tower. Where she waited for her True Love and True Love's First Kiss...

A large green hand ripped a page from the Book and revealed another part involving the whole kingdom celebrating on the Princess and her True Love's wedding day, laughing heartily as he slammed it shut. "Like that's ever gonna happen" The male once voicing the telling of a beautiful tale doubted

"What a load of-" A flush of a Toilet drowned out the last part of the sentence. This Outhouse was made of white birch wood, lashed together with a rope for a handle and a black crescent moon facing the right. There appeared to be some hanging moss on the tilted roof growing and a pathway of stones with grass and other such foliage growing. The area all around appeared to be woodland like with large trees and the same growing moss being connected like vines to one tree to another. The strange thing about all of this is that this Outhouse was nowhere near a household like any other one, and it just so happened that it appeared to have working plumbing with a flushing toilet

The door slammed open to the right from the inside, revealing none other than the male voice who narrated the Book before ripping the page for his own... shall we say, a shitty crack in need of cleaning in between because god forbid it if one would get such a rash from not wiping their ass. This is no Prince Charming nor a Frog, no it was a Unlikely Hero: A Ogre to say. Yawning and stretching out before pulling his pants from riding up on him, he took notice of the Ripped Page was stuck to his right foot, shaking it off and finally getting off before looking at his home

The Swamp was what remained of an tree that has long been hallowed out for a much more... lively use inside. Specifically the large hallowed tree that acted like a chimney that was also growing fungus and moss, it was overgrowing with some grass and there were two tree branches that headed straight for the ground, multi-pronged with a pathway of stone steps leading up onto the house itself. The area of course was filled with large trees, some ponds and some rocks with an chair and a crate with an red pot and yellow bowl. Like the Outhouse, the door had rope for a handle and there was even a window with the door having it's own peeping hole to see through. The sun shined it's rays upon the Swamp with a broom next to the entrance, some grass grew nearby and there was some logs here and there. The Ogre breathed in and left the Outhouse with the door slamming behind him as he began his daily ritual of sorts

The first of these was grabbing a nearby bucket and scraping up some nice mud, to which the green water had unknowingly formed to make his name. Next he hung it up on a branch above him, flung his clothes off and pulled down on the rope; he felt the chill of the mud on his back and made a spurting sound that made it feel like he was shivering, nonetheless he always enjoyed a nice Mud Shower to begin his day. Scrubbing his back and armpit with his brush as his crocodile flesh vest was hung and his plaid pants were hanging from a tree branch that made perfect censorship to cover "The Ugly Part That's Hidden The Most" but for good reasons. He dranked in the mud pouring from the bucket above him and spat out onto the floor, creating a name from mud that spelled out: Mike Myers, although like before he paid no attention; didn't do anything to him and wasn't bothering anyone else

To further make sure that he's frightening and hideous looking, he grabbed a red Caterpillar from his ever so endless supply of bugs from a wood cup and proceeded to squish it's green blood to form a paste on a bone. He proceeded to brush on the inside of his teeth before covering the outside, scraping up and down before smiling with a horrifying grin of such nastiness and putrid god awful hygiene. It was so bad and his breath was so terrible that the mirror in front of him shattered into a spiderweb before the pieces fell and thus, another name was revealed as it was carved into the wood: Eddie Murphy, like before he left without a word

Next he plunged himself into a lake and made a huge splash, turning himself right and getting ready; he let out a loud, horrendous and terrible gaseous fart that bubbled behind him. Feeling relieved and making a French Naughty Girl pose with his finger to his lip, he turned to see that there was not one, not two but three red salmons floating up to the surface; murdered by the deadliness of the stench that continued to plague the rest of the underwater native wildlife, he grabbed the one next to him and proceeded to leave as the moss in the water and the lily pads surrounding it formed yet another name: Cameron Diaz, it was almost like these were giving the Ogre some subliminal messages as if they were telling him that there was a wicked plan going to destroy his solitary life forever

He then proceeded to squiggle himself into a hallowed husk of a fallen treebranch pointing upwards diagonally, pushing the out loads amount of mud as he climbed his way forward like a commando in the trenches of a battlefield; with the sloppy mud spilling out to the ground and coming out all stained with it, although he did smile as he happened to find a green slug with orange eyes and red tiger stripes. It was just the thing he needed for tomorrow night's dinner, he grabbed it and seemingly gave out a squirm in alarm as it was picked up by a giant green hand. The tiny white worms below the slug formed one last name: John Lithgow, before scattering all away in the muddy landscape before themselves

It was this day that happened to be his Painting Day, setting up a canvas near a lake with the beautiful green hills in the distance; he began painting his new sign, a white horizontal slab of the same wood from his Outhouse that happened to have it's top left corner missing and also growing mold and fungus. He took his time with this one as it was the afternoon by the time he was done, placing his palette down to approach the new painting and taking a good look at before giving it a beautiful kiss for one such amazing work of art; even getting some red lipstick from it as he hung the sign next to his horizontal brown "STAY OUT" sign. It was a rather hideous portrayal of his face with red eyes with some red writing that had two simple words: "BEWARE OGRE" it was also that now the top right corner was missing. It's clear that he did not paint on both sides, but then again he ain't complaining since he's happy about how it turned out

However, unknown to him who lived out his daily ritual; there was trouble brewin' in the Village Town nearby. The door with the Wanted Posters for specific fairy tale creatures such as eleven little elves, Pinoccio, the Three Pigs, Evil Elf and of course: The Ogre himself slammed open as a group of men came rushing out of the house, preparing for an attack. The Wanted Poster makes the Beware Ogre sign look SO much better, no doubt about that of course. The Villager drew the plan in the dirt and how they should plan to attack, telling the Villagers they should plan to attack without being seen in the bushes nearby; that way the Ogre would be dead before they know what is happening and would caught off guard. The Villagers grabbed their torches and pitchforks while the Ogre happened to grab his spoon a slurp up a bowl of eyeballs, clearly from his jar of eyes. The Ogre Hunters were getting closer to the Swamp through the fields with the Scarecrow in the evening sunset while the Ogre lit a match and burped a stream of flames to light his Swamp Home in the firepit, while the Ogre Hunters lit their torches to light their path through the night as they headed into the Swamp

The Ogre had ate his catch of the day and relaxed back on the crocodile flesh recliner next to his square shaped animal pelt lamp with a shelf of books next to him. In the meantime, the Ogre Hunters came running down the pathway to Swamp; breaking over and trampling a vertical version of the brown sign that also had the same words: "STAY OUT" The Ogre Hunters ignored the sign's warning and continued to run. The Ogre's tiny trumpet ears picked up a disturbance in his own Swamp, it was... sounds of people trespassing. With a groan he lurched to his feet and glanced out his window, taking a look around before he spotted the group of Ogre Hunters in the far distance. He might as well do it, can't have those damn Hunters takin' him alive. The Ogre Hunters continued as they slowed their run to a walk, being on the lookout for anything that may jump out of the bushes and ambush them at anytime and moment; unknown to them, the Ogre they were hunting for was stalking right behind them silently without a hint of suspicion

The Ogre Hunters, mainly three of them consisting of one in green clothing wearing a upward pointed hat; one with an mustache and a trapezoid shaped hat and the other with an bowl cut, pushed aside the tall grass and foliage as they observed the Swamp House with the light coming from the warm fire insight

"Think it's in there?" One of them asked

"Alright... let's get it!" The one in the upward hat declared, holding a torch and about to make a charge forward before he was stopped short by the one with the mustache next to him

"Hold on, you know what that thing could do to you?" He asked, for these Villagers were known to hear about some of the most awful things that Ogres were known to do

"Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread!" The one with the bowl cut told him. They were all startled next as they turned to see that the Ogre had chuckled loudly, it was tall and looked down at them and spoke to them as if he was great friends with them all

"Hehehe yes, well actually; that would be a giant!" He exclaimed, some of the men had yelped and began to back off; taking this as an invitation to their Ogre Hunting, he stepped forward each time they retreated as he begun to tell the Ogre Hunters what they really do to people like them who trespass upon their land

"Now Ogres, oh.. they're much worse! They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin!"

"No!" A man was horrified

"They'll shave your livers!" Another "No" was heard as he continued. "And squeeze the jelly from your eyes!" The Ogre Hunters had nowhere to back up to and they were cornered as the Ogre added this in; "Actually it's quite good on toast" That part right there is true. A Ogre Hunter with a beard began to swing it's torch across their target

"Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!" He warned in a false bravado in front of the Ogre Hunters. The response was absolutely NOT what he wanted. The Ogre before them looked had a eyebrow raised before calmly licking his hand and putting out his torch with a smile, the Ogre Hunters saw the fearlessness and the one who held the torch was embarrassed. "Right..." He dropped the extinguished torch

Suddenly, the Ogre had let loose an horrible and fearsome ear bursting roar directly into the faces of the cowering Ogre Hunters. They screamed in response as their torches began to extinguish one by one as the roar continued, the bits of what was eaten shot out with one hanging on it's teeth before they all landed on the faces of the Ogre Hunters. Soon he stopped and wiped his mouth, but the Hunters continued to scream until they stopped and looked at him terrified; the Ogre leaned in and whispered to them as the crickets and other hidden wildlife in the night went on in the silence

"This is the part where you run away..." It's like he knew what to expect for this was not the first time this happened before. With a yelp they immediately dropped everything they were armed with and bolted out of the swamp as the Ogre chortled to himself, the Ogre Hunters ran out with the bowl cut one tripping but still continuing to run with his fellow villagers. The Ogre laughed whole heartily and yelled after them by leaning forwards to the retreating party. "And stay out!" A piece of paper caught his attention and picked it up, it had an face of a solemn elf with an green leaf hat and white beard. There were bags and gold drawn as well but the reward written in red was not written

"Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures..." He read to himself. Reward for his capture, could they be anymore stupid and humiliatingly cowardly? They sure as hell ain't gettin' him, so with one last look to where they ran off from and a shake of his head; he threw the paper away as it landed on the floor and headed back inside to get himself some good 'ol shut-eye and some beauty sleep; ironic considering that he is an Ogre. Nonetheless, tomorrow morning would be the day he posts a new sign on the outskirts of his Swamp; for now, he remained unaware that there was indeed a wicked plan of somebody he had never met before in his lifetime that was about to destroy his solitary life in the Swamp forever...