The Witheld Memory
by Andrea "Dearlady2002" Brink
July 15 - November 14, 2011
Disclaimer: The world and characters of Harry Potter are not mine, sadly. I make no money from this, and no copyright infringement is intended. All characters belong to JK Rowling, except Snape, who is mine! *Is slapped with a lawsuit by the lawyers.* Can I at least say he's mine in my mind? *Is eyed again by the lawyers.* Okay, okay, never mind.. Nothing and no one that you recognize is mine. *sticks my tongue out at the lawyers*
Author's Notes: I've quoted/paraphrased/changed part of/added my own stuff to part of JKR's chapter from Deathly Hallows that takes place in the Shrieking Shack (though I've made it the more like the boathouse movie scene)... I've left all of this in bold text- just consider it her work, really. (I'm sure most of you can pick out what I've added to it). I felt that if I went through and actually left only the direct quotes in bold print, it would be like trying to read a zebra, and I think that would make me feel a bit dizzy… O.o Everything that's not in bold after that is my invention. More author's notes at the end of the story.
Spoiler Alert: Honestly? By now if you haven't read it, and haven't seen it, then it's about damn time someone spoiled it for you! Rated M(ature) for, well, mature content. Enjoy!
"Severus.. do you know why I have called you back from the battle?" Voldemort asked quietly as he paced the room, cradling the Elder Wand in his hands.
"No, my Lord, but I beg you, let me return. Let me find Potter," Snape offered, his eyes on the giant snake circling near the feet of Voldemort.
Severus kept his face expressionless, but inside, his mind was racing. He had to get to Potter, had to relay Dumbledore's final plans to him before it was too late. Damn Potter's timing, barging into the Great Hall when it was filled with every student remaining in the castle, and the Carrows as well. Snape couldn't have said or done anything without giving up his position as Dumbledore's trusted double agent. If only he'd come across the boy in a deserted corridor!
He mentally damned Minerva as well - she'd stepped forward to protect the boy, had been hurling bursts of fire at him before Snape could even gather his thoughts. He had deflected two of her shots to either side of him to take out the Carrows before they could cause any harm. Then, seeing the steely determination on so many faces in the Hall, he had quickly made up his mind to flee, rather than fight an entire room of people to the death when they were actually fighting on the same side. He would find another way.
He had to rejoin the swarm of people at the castle.
"All this long night," Voldemort continued as if Snape had not spoken, "when I am on the brink of victory, I have wondered why the Elder Wand refuses to be what it ought to be, refuses to perform as legend says it must for its rightful owner," Voldemort told him, his voice barely a whisper. "And I think I have the answer."
Snape did not speak as he followed Voldemort's eyes as the man circled him.
"The Elder Wand cannot serve me properly, Severus, because I am not its true master. The Elder Wand belongs to the wizard who killed its last owner." Snape's brown eyes met his. "You killed Albus Dumbledore. While you live, Severus, the Elder Wand cannot be truly mine."
"My Lord!" Snape protested, raising his own wand. He resisted the nearly instinctual urge to strike out at the Dark Lord, knowing it would be a futile attempt.
"It cannot be any other way. I must master the wand, Severus."
Voldemort swiped the air with the Elder Wand, and immediately a scarlet stain blossomed on the white collar of Snape's shirt. Shocked, Snape dropped his wand, and clutched his gushing neck as he collapsed to the floor.
Voldemort looked down at Snape, bleeding out before him on the floor.
"I regret what must happen," he said coldly, then spoke to his snake, Nagini, in Parseltongue.
"Nagini,
kill."
Snape cried out as Nagini lunged at him. Wandless, he could do nothing as she struck his neck repeatedly with her sharp fangs, piercing and tearing flesh and artery alike. Snape jerked in pain as she struck, not once, twice, but seven times at him, each bite like liquid metal burning through his nerves. He felt as if the back of his skull would shatter as her weight propelled him against the windowpanes repeatedly. After what seemed like an eternity of torture, the snake left him to return to her master's side.
"I regret it," Voldemort said coldly, without remorse, and turned away. With a loud crack, both he and the snake Disapparated from sight.
Snape's ragged breathing and the sound of his heartbeat pounding in his body made it hard for him to focus. He ignored the pain that was wracking his body, ignored the growing pool of red on the floor around him. He had always presumed that he would die at the hands of Voldemort, but had never imagined it would come at such an opportune time, for such a reason as this. He had to tell the others. He had to get to his wand; he could at least send his Patronus to the boy with a message, he knew Potter would come to her as he had in the Forest of Dean.
He was able to turn his head just enough to see his wand laying on the floor, three feet away from him. The distance seemed impossible to traverse in his state. He tried to reach for it, but his right arm would not move. He knew he did not have the strength left to crawl to it.
Despair overcame Snape as he realized his last chance was beyond his reach. He had failed. He had failed Dumbledore, he had failed Potter, and he had failed Lily.
His Lily.
He could almost see her walking towards him, as if it were only yesterday. Her green eyes shone with laughter at some joke they had shared. Unbidden, his mind wandered back..
Snape gaped at the piece of fine parchment paper in his hand, horror-struck.
The honour of your presence is formally requested at the
marriage ceremony of James Potter and Lily Evans..
He could not believe it. How could she… didn't she see.. Him? That puffed up, arrogant git!
Snape was so flustered even his thoughts seem to be stammering. He unclenched his hands from the paper and looked at the date on the announcement; barely two weeks from tonight. His heart sank. He had expected Lily to lose interest in James once she saw his true character, but apparently that was not going to happen. He would never be able to make her see reason within two weeks!
Mind racing frantically, he grabbed a blank piece of parchment and a quill from his desk, then paused. What to write her? Forming a quick plan, he scribbled a note on the paper and sealed it, then turned to his eagle owl, who sat on a perch in the corner of his office.
"Take this to Lily, and no one else," he told the bird, and sent it on its way out the window.
Lily looked up from the steaming pot of soup she was stirring as a huge owl landed on her windowsill, orange eyes staring at her as it sought her attention.
"Artemis?" Lily asked as she strode to the window and opened it to let her in. The bird bobbed her head in an arc. "Hello, Art," Lily told the bird as she took the folded letter it carried in its beak. "It's been a long time since I've seen you, sweetheart." The bird clicked her beak as if agreeing. She gave the owl a scratch on the head. At one point in her life, Lily had seen this bird several times a day, as Art relayed letters and notes between herself and Severus. Lily herself had purchased the owl for her childhood friend the first summer holiday they had returned home from Hogwarts. How the years had changed everything, she thought sadly.
Looking down at the letter in her hand, Lily broke the wax seal and unfolded the paper.
Lily,
Please meet me, one last time,
so I may wish you good luck and say goodbye.
Sev
Lily bit her bottom lip nervously as she tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear. He had signed it using her nickname for him.. It had been ages since she'd called him that. Since the day he had called her a Mudblood..
She had wondered how Severus would react to the news that she was getting married, and to James, no less. The men had a long-standing hatred of each other, and Lily had repeatedly found herself caught between them for years, even before her friendship with Severus had become so badly strained. As much as James, Sirius, and Remus had argued, Lily had refused to leave her first and oldest friend out of her big day.
"Lily, Snape doesn't even write you anymore," James had argued the day they had written up their invite list. "You don't have to invite him."
"He can refuse to show if he wants to," she had replied to him, "but I am inviting him, and you three are to act civilly towards him if he wishes to come." She gave the three men each a stern look and they had all grudgingly agreed to behave for the day.
Lily pulled herself back to the present and looked back down at Severus' note with a sigh. And say goodbye, it said. Apparently he did not want to come on the day of the wedding, and knew he would never be welcome in James's home afterwards. She supposed, then, that this was Severus' way of making one final attempt at an apology to her, one last attempt to reconcile their friendship, if even in a remote way, before she began her new life, a life that he knew had no room for him.
From the windowsill, Artemis snapped her beak impatiently.
"I know, I'm sorry Artemis."
She looked at the clock on the mantle- it was just quarter till six now; still early. She grabbed a piece of the ugly floral stationary Petunia had sent her for her last birthday and quickly scrawled a reply on it.
She handed Artemis the folded stationary, and gave her a farewell stroke on the head. "Bye, Art," she said as the owl took flight. Lily closed the window and returned to the soup she was cooking.
Severus felt like he had paced a circular hole in the floor of his library while he waited for Artemis to return from her errand. Finally, he sensed her silently approaching, and held out his arm for her to land on as she soared through the open window.
Ignoring the sharp bite of her talons, Severus accepted the response Artemis carried, then returned her to her perch with a distracted murmur of thanks. As his heart beat wildly in his chest, he slowly opened the letter, almost afraid of what Lily might have replied. Breath held, he read what little she had written.
There at seven,
Lily
Severus jumped into the air, uncharacteristically letting out a cry of joy. Perhaps everything could still be salvaged after all. He looked at the old grandfather clock that stood near his desk; he did not have much time to prepare for his hastily-constructed plan.
He strode to the large wooden cabinet in the corner of his office and flung the doors open. Rifling through the contents, he started pulling glass supply jars out, seemingly at random. Pointing his wand, he quickly lit a fire under the small cauldron he had waiting on a nearby table, and using a tiny scale, started to measure out ingredients by memory, then add them to the cauldron. He'd only produced Amortentia once before in his life, but he had the remarkable ability to brew a potion from memory after having only made it once before. It was a skill he took great pride in, and a skill that could very well change his entire future today.
He added the Ashwinder eggs to the cauldron and gave it a stir. As he was about to add the last ingredient - crushed rosehips- to the bubbling mixture, he paused. He remembered Professor Slughorn's voice saying years ago that the finishing ingredient was never listed in any student textbook he had ever seen at Hogwarts- a binding agent.
Some previous Headmaster at Hogwarts, undoubtedly tired of dealing with generations of love-potion-drunk teenagers, had decided that binding agents were never to be printed in student books again. The theory of knowing how to make Amortentia would suffice; students no longer made viable mixtures of it for class.
Hands shaking with the thought of how close he had almost come to ruining everything, Severus pulled his hand back from the cauldron, and carefully set the mortar of crushed rosehips down on the table. He reached into the supply cabinet again, and pulled out a long, slender pair of silver shears, etched deeply with runes on their entire surface, except for the blades, which sparkled brilliantly despite their age. He turned his head to one side, carefully snipped a lock of hair from the base of his skull, and dropped it into the rosehips. He picked up his pestle, and ground the hairs into the mixture three times, then carefully added the blend to the cauldron. This now tied the powerful potion, and the drinker's affections, to him.
"Vestri amor est reus volo," he murmured the incantation. Your love is bound to me.
Immediately the potion turned a beautiful, pearl-colored shade, and on the rising steam, Severus could smell the bitter scent of crushed sopophorous beans, the sweet fragrance of the perfume that Lily wore, and the scent of the grass and the trees near the river where they had spent so much time as children. He picked up his wand again, extinguished the fire beneath the cauldron, and quickly but carefully siphoned the potion into a small glass vial, then stoppered it. He tucked the vial into a pocket of his robes and quickly put the remaining supplies and cauldron away in the cabinet.
Now how to deliver the potion to her? He pulled the vial back out of his pocket and held it up to his eye. He would have to discreetly slip it to her, he knew she would never willingly take it.
His mind raced as he ran to the kitchen and searched through the cupboards. He opened one, and came across a fine bottle of champagne that had been there so long, dust had gathered on the glass. He thought perhaps this was a bottle given to him at Lucius and Narcissa's wedding a few years ago. He glanced at the clock again; five till seven. He knew Lily did not drink very often, but he only needed her to take a sip.
It would have to do.
"Arctithermos," he intoned as he pointed his wand at the bottle. It immediately turned ice cold. Satisfied, he wiped the dust off of the bottle, picked up two champagne flutes, and returned to the small, dark library attached to his office. He placed the bottle and flutes on the small table where he usually drank his afternoon tea, pulled out a chair, and sat. Nervous, he fiddled with the porcelain sugar bowl sitting on the table, and awaited Lily's arrival.
Seven o'clock. Fully aware that Snape would not welcome James, Sirius, or even Remus into his house, Lily knew she would have to go alone. Lily waved her wand at the pot of soup to extinguish the flames beneath it, covered it with a lid, then picked up another of Petunia's stationary papers and scrawled a quick note to James, in case he returned home early that evening.
Went to Severus's . Be back in a bit.
Lily
She left the note on the kitchen counter where she knew he would see it, put on her warm traveling robes, walked out the front door, and Disapparated.
Snape sat in the library, fidgeting with the small glass vial in the pocket of his robes. The longer he sat there, the more misgivings he was starting to have about using the potion on Lily. He was sure that Lily did love him, and that if he could only show her the softer side of himself that he'd never truly been able to before, she would realize they were meant to be together.
So why was he starting to feel guilty for wanting to give her Amortentia?
Face expressionless, he took the small vial out of his pocket and gazed at the innocent-looking concoction. So much could depend on something so little. This formidable potion had the capability to bewitch the mind and heart of a person more fully than any other brew he had made before.
Perhaps that was why it was nagging at his conscience- because it had the potential to utterly enchant her. Would he ever be able to live with himself if he found out later, that Lily did not reciprocate his feelings towards her? That it had all been the product of a love potion he had tricked her in to taking?
Severus squeezed his eyes shut in anguish and clenched his fist around the tiny bottle. He couldn't do it. If there was a chance that Lily would ever really love him, Severus vowed that it would never be because he had drugged her into it.
Depressed, but unwavering in his decision, Severus unstoppered the vial and slowly dumped his potion into the bowl of sugar cubes that sat on the table. He ought to have just drunk it himself, he thought bitterly. Perhaps then, he would simply love himself, and not have to deal with the agony she put him through. If only it could work that way.
Still.. With their friendship as fragile as it currently was, would she ever forgive him for calling her a Mud-
Severus silenced himself from saying the word even in his mind. That one word had cost him everything he held dear in his life. He hated the term as much as he hated the men who had provoked him to the point that he had used it on Lily. But how would he get her to forgive him so he could prove that he loved her? And worse, how could he get her to return his love with James in the picture? He wished Lily had never met the prat.
Severus stopped twirling the empty vial in his hand as a new idea suddenly occurred to him.
The sharp crack of someone Apparating in the alley between the crowded houses was like a shock to Severus. The Muggles in the neighborhood would probably just assume the noise they heard was thunder, but he knew better. The wards set around the house confirmed that someone had arrived. Pocketing the empty vial, Severus rose and went to the door.
He opened it to see Lily, standing on the front step, looking a bit lost.
"Hi, Severus," she said softly.
"Lily," he stood back and motioned her to come inside. He desperately desired to sweep her up into his arms and profess his feelings for her, tell her not to marry Potter, that she was making a mistake, but he could not. Things would crumble forever if he chose to act yet. He had to wait for the right moment.
"Thank you for coming," he said as he closed the door behind her. "I received your announcement, and know I can not come to the wedding, so I appreciate you humoring an old.. friend." Severus almost choked on the word friend, and hoped that Lily still considered him enough of one not to argue with him.
Lily chose to ignore his stumble as she removed her traveling robes and hung them by the door. "Why can't you come? Previous plans?"
Severus met her fierce green eyes evenly, wondering why she wanted to make an issue of it.
"You know why I can't come, Lily.." he implored softly. His face was expressionless, and only the tone of his voice betrayed his inner turmoil.
"No," she said sharply, eyes flashing. "I don't."
Severus avoided her eyes, and stared at the worn floor tiles instead as he gathered his thoughts. Too often, when agitated, he either seemed to wind himself up into an incoherent frenzy, or he lashed out verbally without thinking of the consequences. He could not afford to lose his head today; this was truly his last chance. Lily just stared at him, then threw her hands up into the air and strode in to his library, sat down in one of the chairs at the table, and waited on him to give her an answer.
"Lily," he said as he turned and joined her in the library. "They've done nothing but torment me since the first day I met them. I cannot allow them to ruin your day by making a scene because I attended."
Lily raised one eyebrow. "They've already agreed- all three of them- to be on their best behavior for the day." Severus waved a hand dismissively; their word meant nothing to him. "They know how important this is to me, they would not break their promise," she told him.
Severus shook his head as he stared at the floor tiles again. He knew how little the word of those three arseholes meant. "They will find a way to make the day miserable," he replied quietly as he chose his words carefully. "Please," he said, willing her to drop the argument for now, "I asked for you to come so I could make a toast to your future happiness." He gestured to the champagne flutes and bottle waiting on the table.
Lily sighed, not wanting to give up the fight to convince Severus to come to the wedding. She looked at the bottle of champagne, then back to Severus, who wore what she could tell was a hopeful expression. She hardly ever drank, but maybe if she could get Severus to loosen up some, he would finally agree to come. Though they'd grown very far apart over the last few years, he was still her first and once best friend, and it would mean a lot to her if he could be persuaded to come.
"Just one glass," she told him.
He nodded and with a wave of his wand, popped the cork in the bottle and had poured them both a flute. "To your future happiness," Severus said, raising his glass.
"To your future happiness," Lily echoed, and clinked her glass against his. She took a small sip and tried not to make a face as the flavor hit her tongue.
Severus actually grimaced as he took a sip. "This really is deplorable," he admitted, as he eyed his glass with a scowl.
Lily laughed, and the tension in the room seemed to melt away, at least for the moment.
"Perhaps we can make some tea instead?" she offered.
"Please," Severus agreed, as he carried the bottle of champagne to the kitchen with her.
"I'll get that," Lily said, and stood at the sink with her back to Severus, as she poured out the rest of the alcohol down the drain. "Do you still take your tea with two sugars?" she asked.
"Ah.. yes…" he replied. Lily did not seem to notice that he sounded distracted.
Severus watched Lily's figure as she stood at the sink. Now was the perfect time, he thought. Silently, he pulled his wand out from within his robe sleeves and pointed it at Lily's back.
"Obliviate," he said quietly, and concentrated on the task at hand. He had to remove everything Lily could remember about Potter- James could not come to mind if Severus's plans were to succeed. He also removed the incident that had caused their friendship to splinter so badly in the first place, and made her forget his associations with the people she did not like. Lily's head listed to one side as she finished pouring out the champagne, but otherwise she did not seem to notice anything. Finished, and satisfied that only the memories he needed removed were modified, he put his wand back within his sleeve.
Severus walked forward to her and gently placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Here, Lily, let me help you with that," he offered, and took the empty bottle from her. She seemed to jump slightly, then smiled back up at him, her green eyes full of her old affection for him.
"Thank you, Sev," she said, and Severus's heart skipped a beat at the renewed use of her pet name for him. He tapped the kettle on the stove with his wand and it immediately began to spout steam as the water inside boiled.
"Here, let me get the cups and things," Lily offered. She gathered the tea bags, cups, saucers, spoons and a silver sugar bowl onto a matching silver tray, then led the way back into the small library, and laid everything out on the table.
Severus followed her, and poured her a cup of hot water once they sat at the small table. He was engrossed watching Lily as she chose her favorite flavor of tea- red hibiscus- and steeped it in the hot water. Now that she was not meeting his gaze with disappointment in her eyes, he felt he could not get enough of the sight of her.
She finally noticed him watching her.
"Aren't you going to have any?" she asked, and pointed at his empty cup with her spoon before she lifted the lid of the porcelain dish on the table, and added two sugar cubes to her cup.
"What? Oh. Yes.." Severus replied distractedly. He felt like he could stare into those eyes for hours, especially now that they once again looked upon him with kindness, and -perhaps?- even love. He quickly set about making his own tea. He grabbed a random tea bag, ripped off the outer paper, and placed it into his cup of water. He reached for the silver sugar bowl and added two spoonfuls of sugar into his cup.
Lily smiled at him as she sat with her cup in hand, stirring the contents and blowing across the surface for it to cool enough to drink.
Severus sat, fidgeting with his cup of tea. He had to tell her before he lost his nerve. This was the same woman he'd loved since she was a young girl, he told himself. In her mind, she had never met that arrogant prat, Potter, he had never uttered that hateful word at her, and the past few years' worth of their own disagreements had never happened.
Tell her.
"Lily, I.." Suddenly consumed with humiliation, he blushed, and broke off, his black hair covered his face as he turned away. He could never tell her how he felt. What if she did not feel the same way? Irrationally, he suddenly felt that he would rather live a lifetime hoping that she did love him, than a lifetime knowing that she did not.
"Sev," Lily prodded gently. "What is it?" She met his eyes when Severus looked up through the veil of black hair, and he saw that they were only filled with her usual gentle affection. She was not mocking him. He gathered his courage again as she took the first, warming sip of her tea.
"Lily, I love you," he said in a rush, and looked down at his cup of tea lest he lose his nerve again. Expressing his feelings was something he'd never had practice at. "I've always loved you since the day we met, and when you're not in my life I feel like half of my soul is missing." He finally looked back up at her. "The good half."
Lily smiled.
"Really?" she asked. "You've loved me?"
Severus nodded. "Always," he admitted softly.
She set her cup of tea on the table, stood, and walked the short distance to him.
"I wish you would have told me sooner," she said, as she gently took his cup of tea from him and placed it on the small table with hers.
"Oh?" Severus asked. He swallowed nervously, afraid to hear what excuse she would give as to why she still could not love him.
"Yes," Lily nodded. She took both of his hands in hers and pulled him up out of his chair to stand before her.
"And why is that?" Severus's heart beat wildly in his chest as he waited her answer. He noticed the fact that she had not yet let go of his hands. It's that bad? he wondered.
"Because," she whispered, and Severus focused on her lips, "we both could have saved ourselves a lot of lost time if you had," she told him and looked into his dark eyes tenderly as he met her gaze again.
For a moment, Severus held his breath, afraid to believe what he heard in her words. "Lily.. what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I love you," she breathed.
Severus's eyes widened. "You- you love me?" he choked out, incredulous.
Lily nodded, her green eyes searching the depths of his brown ones as she looked at him.
"Oh, Lily," Severus's voice broke with emotion and he pulled her to him, sweeping her into an embrace that he feared he may never let her go from. One arm wrapped around her back, and clutched her to him fiercely, and his other hand gently cradled her head to his as he just breathed in the scent of her in his arms. He wanted to shout for joy, collapse to the floor in relief, and cry all at the same time as he held her. How long he had wanted this; Lily's love, nothing else.
After a little while he felt her arms around his neck relax a bit, and they both pulled away slightly to look at each other; Lily with her green eyes ablaze in the soft light, Severus with tear-marks running down from his dark brown eyes. Lily placed both of her palms of Severus's cheeks and wiped away his tears with her thumbs.
"Are you going to kiss me, or just hold me, Severus?" Lily asked, her voice barely a whisper.
Like a floodgate opened by her words, he passionately found her lips. Severus thought Lily tasted sweeter than anything he could have ever imagined, and he was drawn to her like a moth to flame. He hungrily seized her mouth again and again until he was nearly breathless; her kisses were everything he had ever imagined they would be, and more. Consumed by passion, he began to leave hot trails of kisses down her jawbone, down her neck to her collarbone. She arched her hips towards him provocatively and leaned into his touch as he held her.
"Oh, Severus," she breathed. The sultry tone of her voice nearly brought him to his knees. Her hands ran through his hair, long nails dragging gently across his scalp, and wherever she touched felt like it was lit on fire.
Eager to taste more of her, Severus reclaimed her lips and slowly started to unbutton her shirt with one hand, as if seeking her permission. Lily eagerly helped him, and when they had finally mastered all of the buttons, he slid the fabric off of her shoulders, down her arms, and let it fall to the floor in a puddle of white silk. Lily took her bra off next, and he was rewarded with the sight of her bare breasts, pale and perfect; both nipples already taut and aroused by his touch on her body. Kneeling, he bent his head and put his mouth to one, and gently sucked on it as he rubbed the other with his fingers. Lily moaned, shifting under his touch, and her hands clasped on his shoulders tightened in response.
Encouraged, Severus dropped his hands to her waist, and gently pulled on the waistband of her long dark skirt.
"May I have this?" he asked Lily, as his breath and his kisses danced across her bare stomach.
"Absolutely, Sev," she whispered. She looked down at him and watched his face as he slowly removed her skirt, revealing the pair of lace-edged black panties she had on. One eyebrow quirked up, and he met her eyes again.
"And this, as well?" he asked her again. His voice betrayed his eagerness as he hooked a finger beneath the edge of the material near her hip.
"Of course, Sev," she replied, her voice filled with desire.
Severus held his breath as he slowly removed the last, thin piece of fabric shielding Lily from his gaze. When he finally saw her standing naked before him, his breath caught in his throat. She was more beautiful than he had ever dreamed; a fire-haired, alabaster goddess with eyes the color of the Emerald Isle.
He placed both hands on her hips again, then met her gaze as he gently pulled her closer to where he kneeled. She could feel his hot breath on her as he spoke.
"And," he softly kissed her hip above the auburn patch of hair, "may I have this?" His mouth hovered barely a half-inch above her now. His heart pounded in his chest as he waited for her permission to taste her.
"Yes," she breathed. With a soft moan, Severus found her already wet, her body clearly ready for him, waiting. The smell of her, even the taste of her- slightly musky and so decidedly feminine- was something that Severus knew was hard-wired into his DNA to appreciate. This was the scent of Nature's love potion..
Severus tried to curb his eagerness; tried to gently and meticulously find the areas that pleased Lily the most, but soon he had lost his sense of restraint and was exploring Lily with enthusiastic abandonment. He quickly discovered that she made the most interesting noises when he licked and sucked one particular spot, and he focused on that ruby jewel with the patience of a saint. Before long, he felt her fingers tangle in his hair; a silent request for him delay taking his attentions elsewhere. Breath starting to come fast, she moaned softly in pleasure and arched her hips towards him even as her knees threatened to give way under his ministrations.
Noticing this, Severus stood and scooped her up into his arms as if she weighed nothing. "I can't have you falling, now," he told her tenderly when she protested, as he carried her out of the room.
"Where are we going?" Lily asked, her entire body flushed with pleasure.
"To somewhere more comfortable," he told her and kissed the top of her head. He turned sideways through a door at the end of the hall, carried her up a flight of narrow stairs, and entered his bedroom. The window curtains were all drawn, which made the room dark and relaxing. He walked to the antique, four-poster bed and gently placed her on it. "Now, lay back, love," he whispered, "so I can continue to ravish you," he smiled lovingly at her.
"No, Sev, that's not fair," she panted as she sat up. "You've all my clothes off, and I've not gotten to see any of you, yet," she pouted.
Severus saw the raw desire for him in her green eyes, and it lit a flame deep within him. He'd never had a woman look at him that way before; it was an aphrodisiac itself. He kissed each of her hands then placed them both at the throat of his black jacket. "Take them off, then," he told her, his silken voice rough with desire. "Take them all off."
Lily happily started to work on the row of tiny black buttons down the front of his jacket. It took her a few minutes, since Severus kept bending to plant kisses on her neck and chest again, blocking her access to his shirt front. But she finally unfastened the last button, and with a feral cry of triumph, flung his jacket to the floor to reveal his undershirt.
"Oh, Severus!" she exclaimed. "You've got more of them?" she asked him, aghast.
Severus looked down at his clothing- a long-sleeved, white, button-up shirt- and laughed.
"I'm sorry, my dear Lily," he said completely seriously. He'd forgotten how many buttons he actually wore on a daily basis. "For you, and you only," he told her, as he kissed her cheek, "I will sort them out."
He pulled out his wand from his shirt sleeve, and with a wave of his hand, the fabric relinquished their buttons and his shirt fell open down the length of his chest. He placed his wand on the nightstand and was immediately set upon by Lily as she slid her hands up under the thin white fabric and slipped the shirt off of his shoulders like a ghost. Severus was completely at her mercy now, as she kissed and explored the bare expanse of pale skin that had been hidden.
"My word, Sev," Lily breathed as she looked up at him. "You're magnificent." Though she had always known Severus was slender, she was delighted to find he had nice muscle tone hidden away under his clothes. She ran her hands appreciatively over his lightly-haired chest and down his flat abdomen, both so pale they could have been carved from marble.
Her eyes picked up the trail of hair that reemerged from beneath his waistline, and she tucked her fingers in the band of his pants.
"There is still more of you that I want to see, Sev," she told him as her fingers played along his waistband.
"Take them off, then, Lily" he whispered, his breath heavy in her ear as he kissed another path down her neck.
He felt her hands travel to the closure of his pants, heard her mutter something about "more buttons," then he felt the cool air on his skin as she removed his clothing. He had a momentary flash of worry as he wondered if Lily would be pleased with his size, but he heard her soft exclamation of pleasure as her hand found his erection, and the fear dissolved away under her light touch.
"Kiss me, Sev," she said, and he sought her lips with a renewed sense of anticipation. She could taste herself on his tongue and it only turned her on more. She leaned back on the bed beneath him, and as he leaned forward, he could feel her body quiver with excitement and anticipation of what was to come. Suddenly filled with apprehension, he paused.
"Sev, what's wrong?" Lily asked as he sat back on the bed.
He just shook his head and would not meet her gaze. In the scant light of the room, Lily could tell he was blushing, though he was desperately trying to hide it behind his curtain of hair.
"Severus?" she put a hand under his chin and brought his face up to meet hers. Her caring green eyes searched his brown ones, willing him to tell her what was the matter. He looked into her eyes with a pained expression but could not answer. Lily's eyebrows rose as the reason why he was so suddenly tense dawned on her.
"You've never been with anyone before, have you?" she asked him quietly, with a tone that he was glad to hear was not critical, merely factual. "You're nervous," she stated.
He nodded his head. "I always wanted to be with you, no one else," he told her. "I'm afraid I'll disappoint you," he explained.
"Sev," Lily said as she met his gaze. "You are my best friend, and I love you, but you're being foolish. You're smart, caring, loving and loyal.."
"Yes, but-"
"And you have a gorgeous body, and you've had me so turned on since you first kissed me tonight, that you could just touch me right now and I'd explode from your caress..."
Severus stared at her as if he could not believe she just said that.
"Sev, just kiss me," Lily said softly as she placed her hands on the back of his neck and gently pulled him to her once more. She kissed him soundly as she let her hands weave through his hair again, and was rewarded with his small noise of desire. She twisted her body beneath him, and he obligingly turned his attention to her breasts again, licking and gently teasing each nipple in turn. He then kissed a trail down her stomach to her hips, then tasted her again, determined to bring her right to the edge of release but not over it. Lily writhed in longing, moaning his name softly, and suddenly Severus was directly over her, nibbling on her earlobe as he ran a hand down her side, over her hip.
As he kissed her collarbone and neck, Lily could feel his confidence returning to him as he saw once more how amazing he could make her feel. As if sensing her attention on him, Severus stopped kissing her body and met her gaze.
"I love you, Severus," she told him, and shifted her position slightly so he was directly above her now.
"I love you, Lily," he replied, "always." He noticed what she had done and raised one eyebrow at her. "You give yourself to me?" he asked her. It seemed that, even now, he could not help but be plagued by doubt and insecurity.
"I give you myself, Sev," she replied, her voice filled with passion. "Will you give yourself to me?"
"I give you all of me." He looked into her startlingly green eyes and Lily had never felt so fiercely loved before in her life, as if this man would do anything in the world for her. Live for her, kill for her; even die for her. "Always."
And with that, Severus angled his hips and gently pressed himself to her. Lily wrapped one leg up around his thigh, and rose to meet him as he cautiously pushed into her. They both gasped as he entered her warmth fully; nearly sensation overload for them both. Carefully, slowly, Severus started to move his hips, in and out, until Lily no longer felt the intense pressure of his entry and exit, and began to move beneath him and match his rhythm.
Gently, he placed a hand on her leg and pulled it back down to lay flat on the bed. With a slight shift of position and angle, he slowly built up speed so that every time he moved, Lily was stimulated as well. He felt her hand slide down to his butt, pulling him to her with every thrust, while her other hand snuck up behind his neck, playing with his hair as she pulled him closer to kiss him passionately. He could feel himself getting closer and closer to orgasm, but was determined to wait until he was able to give Lily her release. He could tell she was getting closer herself by the little noises she was making in his ear.
"Oh, Sev," she breathed as she placed a kiss on the tender little hollow beneath his earlobe.
"Yes, Lily?" he asked, his eyes fixed on hers as she met his gaze.
"I'm.. so.. close," she told him with a small grin.
Severus smiled back down at her and leaned forward to kiss her. "Good. I want to give you this, love," he told her as he ran one hand across her breast, down her stomach, and over her hips. Intuitively, he pulled her left leg up against his side and gloried in the feel of her curves beneath his searching fingers.
It was their undoing.
As he shifted her leg higher as he moved, he found that magical spot within her, and felt Lily tense up beneath him all at once.
"Oh, God! Severus!" she cried out, her breath coming in short gasps. Suddenly he felt her tighten and clamp down around him in spasms as she lost herself in the ecstasy they shared. It was too much for him.
"Lily," he managed to gasp out. He buried his face in her neck and breathed in the scent of her hair and her perfume as his own orgasm washed over him like a tidal wave. He could feel himself emptying into her as they arched together in their shared pleasure, each trying to make the feeling last as long as possible for the other. The entire world disappeared for a few seconds as they paused, perfectly in tune only to each other's breath and body.
Physically and emotionally spent, Severus lowered himself to Lily and as one, legs tangled, they rolled onto their sides and faced each other on the bed. For a while, they just lay there as they caught their breath.
"And you were worried," Lily half-teased Severus with a smile as she ran her fingers through his hair.
"Apparently for nothing," he told her, and kissed her as he pulled her to him. She lay her head on his shoulder and curled up to him as he wrapped his arms around her. Too comfortable to move to reach for the covers, he picked up his wand from his nightstand and with a flick of the wrist, waved the heavy covers to fall gently over them both. He placed his wand back on the nightstand and gently stroked Lily's hair as she lay in his arms.
"Sev?" Lily asked.
He could feel her head move beneath his chin.
"Yes?" he asked, stifling a yawn.
"I'm glad I was your first.." she sounded sleepy as her fingers twirled his chest hair.
"As am I," he told her, and kissed her on top of the head as he twined his fingers with hers.
"Severus?" she asked again.
"Yes, Lily?"
"You really love me?" she asked him again, her voice soft from exhaustion.
"More than life itself," he replied truthfully as he kissed the top of her head again. "Sleep, love."
And they did.
Severus stirred in the middle of the night and froze, his mind racing. Something warm and heavy was pressed against his chest, and he suddenly realized he was naked beneath the bedcovers. He never slept naked. He had to be dreaming. He looked down to see a shock of dark red hair against his chest in the pale light coming in through the curtained windows. Groaning, he rubbed his face with a hand.
"Sev, are you awake?" a familiar, feminine voice asked quietly.
"Yes," he sighed, "and I'm dreaming that you're in my bed, again."
Her laugh gently shook him and Severus realized with a shock that he was not dreaming. Lily, the love of his entire life, was here in his arms, comfortably resting, her naked body pressed to his as her hair splayed across his shoulder.
"My Lily," he smiled, and tipped her chin up in the moonlight to kiss her softly, tentatively, as if she were a wisp of smoke that would disappear if he moved too quickly or spoke too loudly. Rousing, Lily propped herself up on one elbow and placed a hand behind his neck, running her fingers through the hair at the base of his neck.
"Severus," she whispered. Tingles shot through his body at the sultry tone she used.
"Yes, Lily?" he breathed.
"You have some very interesting dreams.." She leaned forward and kissed him, softly at first, but with growing passion as he returned her kisses with rising enthusiasm. She slid one hand down his chest, down his stomach, further, and gently clasped him as he stood erect again beneath her touch.
"You always were a fast learner." She smiled as he growled softly at the feel of her hand on him. His eyes closed in pleasure, and Lily was amazed at the transformation in his face; when happy, he could quite nearly be called beautiful.
"But I like to be on top," she told him, as she playfully swung her leg over his hips. She placed his hands on her breasts, and danced under his touch as her fingers guided his hands further down her body until they came to rest on her hips.
Lily leaned forward over Severus, and met his gaze. "Hold me tight," she told him. "Hold me as if everything depended on it, Sev."
Severus nodded, and her wild green eyes twinkled as she kissed him fiercely. Without warning, she settled herself onto him and they both let out a gasp at the sudden heat of the other. Recovering more quickly, Lily started to writhe in place against Severus, and he marveled at the intense friction she was able to generate in this position.
"Hold me close," she requested as she leaned forward a bit and rocked in place. Severus pulled her to him as she moved forward again, then closed his eyes and hissed in pleasure as he was driven deep into her. "Now you've got it," Lily praised him, and his eyes snapped open to meet hers. She moved forward again on his shaft and he pulled her to him, burying himself inside her. Lily made a noise of pleasure as she studied the faces Severus made as she moved above him.
She was amazed that, no matter the expression he made; if he closed his eyes and twisted his face as if seemingly in pain, or if he just bared his teeth in ecstasy like a wild animal, the moment his gaze met hers again, she could see that deep love in his eyes that he had professed to her earlier in the night.
With a sigh of contentment, Lily gave herself to him, once again, and before long, shouted out his name as she found her release.
"Severus!"
Severus woke early the next morning, before the sun was even up, and looked around his bedroom groggily. Some noise had woken him. Lily, wrapped in covers, stood by the window, and was peering out between the curtains at the alley that ran between the houses. Severus heard the sound of a man screaming outside in the distance, the words he was shouting were still indistinct, but quickly growing louder.
"What is going on?" he asked, as he joined Lily at the window and looked out, one hand placed possessively, but lovingly, on her waist.
Lily shook her head. "A man is yelling, calling out for someone," she said. Severus looked at her and saw the sad expression displayed on her face.
"Come, Lily," he placed both hands on her shoulders and lead her back to bed, "don't worry yourself about some half crazed, drunk-"
"Lily!" the voice in the alleyway was suddenly very close, and very clear. Severus tensed as he immediately recognized the voice. "Where is she, you bastard!"
"Why don't you lay down, love," Severus suggested, and flicked back the edge of the curtain so he could look out the window again.
"Lily!" James was now right below their window; his voice was strained from calling out, from searching through the whole neighborhood in an attempt to find his fiancé. He was half stumbling as he searched in vain, wand in hand, like a madman. The look on his face was one of sheer panic and desperation. Severus was fairly certain that the only reason he had not yet resorted to using magic to try to locate Lily was because he was in an entirely Muggle neighborhood; there would be too many witnesses. Small point in his favor, Severus thought.
"He's looking for someone named Lily, too, just like me," Lily said from right behind Severus, causing him to jump. "Oh, Sev, he sounds so heartbroken," she added sadly.
"Lily!" James' voice rasped out in the alleyway, growing distant as he continued his search.
"It's okay, love." Severus dropped the curtain as he stepped away from the window. "He's gone now."
As she clutched the blankets to herself, Lily looked up at Severus as a tear rolled down her cheek.
"It's as if I know that voice.." she told him, her voice sounded as if she were sleeping.
"Shh," Severus soothed her as he gathered her into his arms. "Shh, he's gone, Lily." As he kissed her on the forehead, they both heard James scream out her name one last time from the alley.
"Lily!"
"I know that voice.." Lily said again softly, and suddenly Severus felt her jerk, then tense up beneath his hands. "I know that voice!" she said angrily, and this time she rounded on Severus, pulling away from him, her expression accusing.
"What have you done, Severus?" She looked around the unfamiliar room, at Severus, standing naked before her, then down at her body, wrapped in bedcovers but obviously naked beneath, and her expression turned to one of horror. "Oh my God, what have you done?" she shouted at him as she pushed his hands off of her, and clutched the blankets tighter to cover herself.
Severus could only stare at her for a moment, dumbfounded. "What do you mean, 'what have I done?'" he said when he finally found his voice. "I've shown you that we belong together, Lily! That I love you with every fiber in my body, and you love me as well!"
She gave a short, ugly laugh.
"Is that how you intended to keep me with you? You planned on drugging me with a potion for the rest of my life? By messing with my mind? Taking me for yourself against my will?" Her green eyes met his and he was startled to see the revulsion in them. "You've been hanging around your Death Eater friends too long, Severus," she told him coldly. God! He'd had the nerve to ask for her permission as he undressed her, and again before he took her on his bed. She felt so dirty, so used. And 'betrayed' didn't even begin to encompass the feelings of anger and disgust that his treachery created in her.
"No!" Severus exclaimed. "I only made you forget about our past arguments, about that prat," Lily did not have to ask who 'that prat' was, "so you could see that we were always meant to be," he looked at her pleadingly, genuinely confused.
"Lily, you told me that you loved me! I never drugged you, I never gave you any Amortentia-" suddenly Severus broke off, his pale face growing deathly white. "No.." he closed his eyes and shook his head. "No!" he moaned as he sank to his knees on the floor, clutching his head in despair. He looked back up at her with panic in her eyes. "You didn't-" he said, then ran from the room.
Lily followed him downstairs and heard an unearthly wail echo through the house before she found him in the library. He held the small porcelain sugar bowl from the night before in his hands, clutching it as if it was both his savior and his damnation. Tears were flowing readily down his face as he met her gaze.
"I never meant to, Lily," he gasped. "You have to believe me.. I had made some up before you arrived-" he saw the hateful look in her eyes intensify, "-but I had already decided I could never use it! I had dumped it out into the sugar bowl," he tried to tell her, but he could see that his words were having no effect on her.
She stooped down to pick up her clothes, which were scattered through the room, then marched back upstairs without a word.
"Lily! Please, listen to me!" he scrambled to his feet and followed her upstairs. He found her in his bedroom, already fully dressed. "Lily-"
"Don't." she said, and her tone brought him to a halt. In the dim light he could now see that she had his own wand in her hand, leveled at him.
The pain in Severus's chest ratcheted up a few more notches; how had things gone so wrong? It had progressed from having an estranged friend, to a loving partner, to an outright hostile opponent in his room. If things were going to hell in a cauldron this quickly, and with such shocking finality, he decided he needed the truth. Even if it killed him. Even if she killed him.
"Tell me that you never did love me," he told her belligerently, "that you don't love me now."
Lily stood there, his wand pointed at him as she regarded him in the dark room. He thought he saw the tip of the wand waver slightly, as if Lily was contemplating his words.
"I did love you," she admitted.
Severus smiled triumphantly. Maybe things could still be salvaged.
"And I am going to prove how much I still love you now," she told him, "by saving your life." She reversed his wand and held it out to him, handle first. Severus couldn't believe his eyes.
"I love James, Severus," Lily told him. "We are going to be married, and we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. If he were to ever find out what you did today.. he would kill you."
She spoke the words and Severus knew they were true, but he was not afraid of James Potter. He knew and had invented spells that the Quidditch team captain could never even dream of.
Perhaps Lily saw the stubborn streak in Severus's eyes, because she took a few steps forward and held out his wand to him again.
"You must wipe my memory of today clean," she told him simply. She saw the argument starting on his lips and interrupted him, her voice loud with her barely-suppressed anger. "You must tell me that we had a pleasant afternoon together, that we chatted about old times, and we made a toast to the upcoming wedding, and then I left."
"Lily, I can't-"
She leveled her gaze at him as she interrupted his argument. "I do not know what has happened to the old Severus, who would have never even thought to try something this horrible to the woman he claims to love, but I do not want to hold this against you for the rest of my life. I do not want to live with this memory for the rest of my life."
Severus was shocked at the tone of her voice; it went beyond disappointment, beyond betrayal. He was pretty sure at this moment it even went beyond hate. He never wanted that emotion directed at him again, coming from his Lily. She stepped forward once more and placed his wand directly into his hand, and closed his fingers around it.
Time passed as they both gazed at each other, unmoving, unwilling to break the stalemate.
"Please, Severus," Lily implored him quietly. Though he did not yet know it, her pleas would echo in his mind, years later, as he unwillingly pointed his wand at another person he was loyal to, at their own urging.
He finally raised the tip of his wand at Lily, as tears fell down his cheeks.
"Obliviate," he whispered, and felt his dreams shatter.
Hands on his hips, Snape stood and gazed up at the tall stone church before him, while passers-by gave his robed figure a wide berth. He ignored them.
This was it. He silently wondered if Lily had chosen this particular location because it reminded her of Hogwarts.
He gathered his resolve around him like armor, and purposefully stepped towards the high, arched doorway. He had promised Lily that he would come.
Inside the church, Sirius elbowed a tuxedo-clad James in the ribs as a familiar, black-robed figure advanced up the stairs of the church towards them like a great, black bat. Clearly, he hadn't bothered to show in formal Muggle attire like the invite had suggested.
"Merlin's beard, he actually had the balls to show," James muttered under his breath, causing the sharp-eared Remus to turn towards his friend. James would have loved to say more, but his future in-laws stood barely ten feet from him as they greeted people before the ushers guided them to their seats. Besides, he had promised Lily.
"Hello, Snivellus," Sirius's voice hissed as Snape strode past the small group, ignoring them altogether. Apparently, James thought, Sirius's idea of "on your best behavior" was open for interpretation. He smirked. The man wasn't his best mate for no reason.
They both watched, their dislike barely concealed, as Snape stopped just long enough to mutter his greetings to Lily's parents, then continued on to find a seat for himself towards the back of the rows of pews.
"Mr. and Mrs. Evans," Snape greeted the pair with a handshake, and a polite kiss on the cheek, respectively. He had known them since he was a small boy, though he had not seen much of them in several years. At one point in time, long ago, they had been like second parents to him. No, like real parents to him. If he had known this would be the last time he would ever again see them alive, he would have made more of an effort to tell them how much they had both meant to him.
"Severus, it's so good to see you again," Mrs. Evans told him warmly as she placed a hand on his arm. She had never found out what caused his and Lily's friendship to splinter, but she had always liked Severus. "I'm glad that you came; Lily's heartbroken that Petunia did not even show."
Snape gave her a nod. From what he remembered of Lily's sister, he was not surprised. He exchanged a few more pleasantries with the couple before he turned and found a seat for himself near the back of the church.
Snape settled in to his seat like a man taking up position before battle. This was going to be a long day, he thought wearily. He should not have come. Perhaps he could catch Lily alone after the wedding long enough to say goodbye, then he could slip away unnoticed. He never had been a very sociable person, and he did not want to give those trio of idiots a reason to cause trouble on Lily's day. He knew they would. He had only agreed to come to Lily's wedding, still much against his better judgment, because she had asked him to. Repeatedly. With all the persistence and stubbornness one would expect of a Gryffindor girl.
Apparently his Memory Charm had worked, because James had never come for him, with revenge shining in his eyes, though admittedly he did follow Snape's progress with a suspicious cast now. Lily generally only had the quiet awkwardness around him that he knew was due to their falling apart over the years.
"Good day, Severus."
Snape heard a voice call out his name in greeting, and he jumped as he looked around him. He quickly spotted the gray-haired, silver-robed figure of Albus Dumbledore several rows ahead of him.
"Headmaster Dumbledore," he nodded his reply as the older man took a seat. He now saw that several of his old teachers from Hogwarts were seated there as well, including Professors McGonagall and Slughorn, among others. Of course there would have been Hogwarts staff in attendance; Lily had been a favorite of many, and James was popular due to his Quidditch skills.
Severus was snapped out of his reflections as he heard the traditional Muggle wedding music start up within the room. All eyes turned and focused on the center aisle as Lily, his Lily, walked forward on the arm of her father. She wore a simple, floor-length white gown, carried a bouquet of white roses and enchanted, luminous white lilies, and the smile on her face made her even more radiant.
Snape tried to catch her eye as she walked past, but there were so many people in the room that he was simply lost in the crowd. Together, she and her father walked to the end of the aisle, where her hand was given to James.
Severus sat in his chair and fumed. He still could not believe that puffed up git was about to be married to the girl he'd loved since he was a boy. Couldn't she see how he swaggered arrogantly, how his ego constantly flared up like a dragon, rearing it's ugly head?
He turned his attention back to Lily as she repeated the words the official now spoke to her. The way she looked; the smile and joy on her face today nearly made his heart stop as he remembered that look directed towards him, only a few short weeks ago. His heart ached as he remembered her saying those words to him that he had so desperately wanted to hear; I love you, Severus.
And then it had all come crashing down around his head, as she heard James's voice out in the alleyway, searching for her. His voice had apparently been enough to undo not only the Memory Charm Severus had placed on her, but to reverse the Amortentia she'd accidentally consumed while they had tea. To Severus, it was simply unheard of- that Memory Charm should have been ironclad until he lifted it, if he ever chose to. The Amortentia would have worn off anyways, but with James out of the picture, Severus was confident Lily would have still chosen him, would have still loved him.
"And if anyone can give reason why these two should not be married, let them speak now, or forever hold their peace," the minister announced, jarring Severus from his thoughts.
You could object? he wondered. Was this truly a way to stop James from marrying her, or was it only a sham invitation, something more traditional and symbolic, than practical?
He looked again at Lily; how she looked so happy, standing across from The Prat. She was practically glowing with excitement, Severus assumed because she was nearly joined forever with the man she claimed she truly loved.
His eyebrows pinched together and his heart broke, just a little bit more. How could he ever bear to take Lily away from her happy-ever-after? She had already admitted that she loved Severus, but that she loved James more.
He pinched his eyes shut in agony. He couldn't. Not to her. If this was what it would take to ensure Lily's happiness, he was not going to stand in the way of it, even if it meant giving her up to him. Severus loved her too much.
The minister mistakenly took in the silence in the room as happy impatience, and continued on with the ceremony.
Severus felt as if the entire gathering would be able to feel the pain and heartache radiating off of him. He stood, and quickly made his way to the end of the wooden pew where he sat, then turned to exit the church as quickly as he could, his robes billowing behind him. His silent footsteps served him well, as always, and only the few people seated behind him noticed him leave. He didn't care- he just wanted to be gone before he heard those irrevocable words- before it was well and truly final.
Severus pushed open the heavy wooden doors, and ran down the church stairs into the cool November air. He gathered his robes around him and Disapparated on the spot, indifferent to where he reappeared, just desperate to be anywhere but where he was now.
Before the heavy church doors swung shut on the crisp fall air, a man's voice could be overheard announcing "..man and wife."
Severus became, if it was possible, even more of a recluse over the coming months. As he struggled to forget the face, the tender touch, the very feel of Lily wrapped around him, he buried himself further in his duties as a Death Eater. It brought him much attention and praise from some, and earned him a few jealous enemies as well, but mostly it was a way of keeping his mind from her. As he took the Dark Mark upon his arm that winter, he bitterly thought that the pain of his flesh scarcely mirrored the pain in his heart.
It was some time later that Severus sat alone in the small library of his house and drank his morning tea as he idly flipped through The Daily Prophet. As he read over the morning's paper, he mentally made note to visit Knockturn Alley later for more Deathcap mushrooms and scarab beetles. He was getting low.
He took a drink of his tea and flipped the page to where the more personal announcements of marriages, births, and deaths were made within the Wizarding community. As he never read them, he started to turn the page again, until a name caught his attention.
Lily Potter.
He nearly choked on his tea as he read the name. What had happened? He quickly set his teacup down on the small wooden table by his chair and flipped back to the previous page. His eyes scanned the page of miniscule text for the name he sought.
Lily Potter (Evans), wife of James Potter,
gave birth to son, Harry James, late
Thursday night. It is reported that he is a
healthy "seven and a half pounds, sixteen
inches long, with a full head of black hair."
Severus stared at the tiny snippet of text for several minutes, as if it could give him the answers he sought.
"No!" he shouted suddenly, as he beat his fist on the arm of the chair. In his mind's eye, he could see that disgusting git with his dirty hands all over his Lily. Severus had not even heard that she was pregnant. Why, they hadn't even been married a whole year! It was barely nine-
He gasped, and froze as dismay clutched his heart.
It wasn't possible.
It was now the first week of August, and Lily had gotten married in early November, just two weeks after her and Severus had..
Merlin's beard.
Severus fought the urge to vomit, as he leaned forward in his chair, head in his hands, and focused on breathing to keep the panic rising in his chest from overtaking him.
Lily's son could not be his child, he thought. Could not..
And yet, if the boy somehow were his son, how would he ever find out without admitting the shameful things that he had done? He could not simply go and ask Lily- she would not remember a thing from that fateful night, beyond what lies she had told him to supply her with after he placed the second Memory Charm on her. What's more, he did not want to tear her life apart; he'd already vowed at her wedding that if it was James who made Lily happy, Severus would give her up, for her sake.
Besides, he heard the voices of his fellow Death Eaters taunting him in his mind, would you like to be forever known as the father to a Mudblood's illegitimate spawn?
Severus gave a pessimistic snort. He would have willingly been known as such if there were any chance in the seven shades of Hell that Lily would have accepted him with open arms. The finally-healed Dark Mark on his arm seemed to twinge as he realized that thought would be considered treasonous by his fellow Brothers and Sisters.
No, Severus thought, as he focused on calming himself. He could not, would not, be the boy's father. The boy would grow up in a stable home with two loving parents, even if the man he called 'dad' was possibly not his biological father. Severus would not take Lily's happiness away from her on his account.
There, it is settled, he thought, as he turned back to The Daily Prophet with shaking hands and a mind that couldn't quite focus on what he read …
With a cough that sent blood spraying into the air, Severus was pulled back to the present. He looked around the boathouse in confusion until his mind slowly recalled everything that had happened.
Severus closed his eyes and tried to ignore the pain that was burning through him. He knew he was dying. He knew he had failed to pass his vital information on to Potter. The war would not be won. All the lives already lost, his life, would be lost for nothing.
As he figured one that was dying would tend to do, he looked back over his life, over the regrets and disappointments he had had along the way. The two biggest regrets he had were losing Lily; allowing that damnable word to be uttered from his lips, and never finding out for sure if Potter was genuinely his son.
Would it have made any difference to him if Harry was his? Snape thought, perhaps, yes. He had always seen Harry as being James's son, with his glasses and love of Quidditch; a living, daily reminder of the fact that Lily had chosen James over himself. Obviously, therefore, Snape's hatred of the father had always tarnished his dealings with the son. But truthfully, Snape had always tried not to notice the similarities the boy and himself shared, as well. Had the boy nearly been sorted into Slytherin because his father had been in that House? The shock of black hair could have been inherited from either man..
He sighed, as he felt more blood run down his arm from the gaping holes in his neck. He felt his life dripping down his fingertips to pool on the stone floor. At this point, it did not matter if Harry was his son or not. The boy had enough to deal with, and Severus did not want to throw one more wrench into the last few hours this boy had to live.
A sound in the corner of the room startled him out of his thoughts, and his now-sluggish mind took a moment to realize that someone was walking towards him. Part of him prayed that Voldemort had returned, come back to end his 'faithful' servant's life quickly, rather than prolong his suffering any more.
Snape forced his eyes up from his scuffed trainers as the person kneeled down to his level, and he was shocked to see Lily's green eyes looking back at him. He gasped, fighting to breathe now, and made his eyes focus.
It was Harry.
Severus met Harry's eyes, expected to see the boy's hatred for him clearly displayed there, expected the boy to lash out at him in some final way, but he was surprised to see only sadness, only loss in the boy's face as Harry met his gaze. Perhaps Harry was more like his mother, after all, Severus thought, as he felt Harry gently place a hand on his lacerated neck to try to stop the river of blood that flowed there. Severus knew he was dying, nothing could save him now, but emotion swept through him at the boy's kindness; Harry truly was Lily's son. The thought of Lily was a tonic to jerk Severus back to the present, to what still must be done.
He had to tell the boy. Harry had to know that Severus had loved Lily, he must know that Severus did everything he could to discreetly protect Harry and help bring Voldemort's downfall over the years, he must know that Severus had killed Dumbledore on his orders, for the good of the final outcome and to save the old man the pain and humiliation that would have transpired otherwise. Severus had to let him know everything.
His mind flashed back to the night he had spent with Lily; a night he simultaneously held dear to his heart and pushed from his mind in humiliation and pain.
Almost, Severus thought, almost everything…
He pushed the traitorous thoughts he wished to keep to the back of his mind, locked away tightly, and recalled the other memories he would need to give to the boy. As he saw them flash by, he plucked them from his mind, and gathered them together; theoretical flowers joined to form a bouquet that he would pass on to the boy before his death..
Severus would show Harry how he had met his mother; how they had grown up looking forward to the day their Letters would come. How, though they were sorted into different Houses, they remained steadfast friends until the day Severus had called Lily that unforgivable name, and begged for forgiveness..
Here the memories turned darker, colder, but Severus pressed on, gathering frost-bitten stems in his mind..
He would show Harry of the night Dumbledore had disarmed him in the forest, how Severus had begged him to protect Lily, offered the wizard anything to ensure her safety. He would show Harry of the night he knew something had gone terribly wrong; the night his Dark Mark had suddenly stopped burning, the night he went to the Potter's house..
Reliving the anguish of that night, Severus nearly stopped gathering memories at this point, but the importance of everything drove him on, drove him to continue plucking the ice-covered, brittle stems..
Severus had gone to the Potter's house that night, and had merely stood, taking in the damage visible from the outside lawn. After what seemed like ages, he had finally gone inside the house, and stepped over James' body without much thought- partly because he was too stunned to react to what he was seeing, and because he was already mentally trying to prepare himself for what he knew he would find.
Lily's arm.
That had been all he could see of her from the hallway, but he had known then that she was gone. As he stepped into the shattered remains of the nursery, he felt that grief had just ripped his soul in half. His heart seemed to stop and his face screwed up in anguish as he pulled Lily's lifeless body to his chest and held her, crying.
Severus would show Harry that it had been Dumbledore who had found Severus, hours later, in the nursery, still clutching weakly to Lily. He would show Harry that Dumbledore had taken Snape to Hogwarts, and convinced him to help protect Harry, for Lily's sake, but only if Dumbledore were to never tell anyone.
Severus pulled several more memories in quick succession- of himself, unarmed, protecting the 'Golden Trio' from Lupin the night he transformed into a werewolf, of himself halting the Horcrux's curse the night Dumbledore had put on the cursed ring, of Dumbledore telling him that he must be the one to kill the Headmaster once Draco had failed, and also the memory of himself, Apparating to the Forest of Dean, bearing the Sword of Gryffindor, casting his Patronus to lead Harry to the pond where he had placed it…
And here, Severus plucked the last stem of memory from his mind.
Severus had stood at the top of the Astronomy tower, wand pointed unerringly at the heart of Albus Dumbledore. Severus, please, the Headmaster had pleaded with him. With a face that would not betray the true depth of sadness, regret, and pain he felt, Snape had obeyed the final command the Headmaster had given him; to end the old man's life..
As Severus felt the smoky-blue memories start to gather and form at his eye, he forced a barely-functioning hand to raise to his face.
"Take them," he choked out, the blood in his throat made him sound gargled as he struggled for breath. "Take them..." he repeated, as he felt the emotion-laden memories run down his cheek like a tear.
He saw the recognition in Harry's eyes, then he turned to someone behind him for a moment. A bit later, Snape felt cold, hard glass against his cheek as the boy collected his memories.
There. The boy would know what to do with them. He hadn't failed. Severus felt the weight clutching his heart lessen as he realized it had been worth it; he hadn't failed Lily.
His Lily. Would she come for him now?
With a tremendous effort, Severus grabbed the front of Harry's shirt with his left arm, and struggled to take a breath deep enough for speech.
"Look at me," he begged the boy, and clutched at his shirt to bring him closer. "Look at me."
And the boy did.
As he stared into the vivid green eyes of Lily Evan's son, and saw the only woman he had ever loved in his life staring back at him, Severus cut the last strings tethering himself to life, and surrendered himself to the darkness..
.
.
The End.
Author's Notes II:
Congratulations (and thank you) if you've actually made it all the way through this little piece of fluff and angst. I'm not sure how many people will- nor how many of those will think it was actually worth the time it took to read- but that is for you to decide.
I wanted to write this piece for several reasons; firstly, because I kept seeing so many comments online about how Snape was a virgin. I didn't believe that of him for a second, especially him as a 38-year-old man, so I set about to write something that would disprove it. Secondly, I keep seeing people thinking/hoping/wishing that somehow, Severus was Harry's real father. I wanted to create a story that could make this possible, without being an AU story. Lastly, I wanted to write this because I knew it would be a hard piece for me to do- let's just say that I have my own demons to deal with- but that if I could pull it off, it would hopefully be worth it.
So if you feel like it, please click that little "leave a review" button, and tell me what you thought.
I'll be posting links here later on with additional pictures I'm working on that go with this story. Here's the first one, though, of Severus's silver rune scissors (take out the spaces): thecopperdragon2004 . deviantart . com/ gallery/ #/d4gc3v0