Summary: Jane never understood Maura's pain…Until she had to live it. 2x15 AU.
It was awful. The waiting. Jane had been in hospitals before but she was usually being worked on. She hadn't moved since she arrived. She couldn't bear bad news.
The wait gave her time to think. Think about what to say, what to do, but mostly replay the situation and see if she could have done something.
She sat in the chair and her mind wandered.
The team stood outside the warehouse. Ready to strike at any moment, ready to capture a fire fighter who killed his own. Jane gripped desperately to the radio in her hand.
"You shouldn't have come." A man said.
"You killed someone. Was it worth it?" Maura challenged.
"I just wanted to prove to them."
"Who?"
"The city, they kept laying us off you know? They couldn't "afford us" so I had to remind them."
"Just how much they needed you."
"Yeah."
There was a moment of silence. Jane started to worry, everything was going as planned but one second could change everything.
"You're a coward." Maura said.
"Maura you idiot! What are you doing?" Jane said, to the team but mostly to herself.
The team began to move slowly and quietly.
"What?!" the Man yelled.
"You are a pathetic little coward. You set a fire knowing your men would fight it and then killed them so you'd be safe."
"Why you." He threatened
"How can you understand? You can't understand what it is like to be unwanted." He asked.
Maura thought for a moment. She was unwanted, at least by her mother. Why else would she be adopted?
"I know that feeling. But I didn't hurt others."
"You-"
"You think that if you shoot me that you get out of here alive?"
"Yeah I do."
"You're stupider than I thought."
"What?"
"They're waiting for you."
Maura shut up! Jane thought as her and the team watched the scene unfold. They had to wait for the signal. The man raised the gun. Jane was about to go when dean held her back and shook his head. She waited.
"You…You're wired."
Maura smiled.
She undid her bullet proof jacket and threw it across the room. She then took the mic and ripped it off her. The man growled.
"Hmm. You shouldn't have come." He said and aimed the gun.
"You must have a death wish." He said.
"You have a gun and i have nothing. you were never brave, just a snake in the grass."
Why wasn't the signal coming?
Maura smirked, closed her eyes and stretched her arms out like a cross.
Maura what the hell?
"You had a man hurt my mother, you aim a gun at me, and you kill a fellow firefighter. You really are a weakling."
"And you're a dead bitch!"
Maura smiled.
"Kill me and I'll die braver than you." she said.
"Well? Kill me, come on, do it." Maura said.
Maura. You dumbass!
"Call me a coward again. I dare you!" the man said with a crazed look in his eyes.
Maura looked him dead in the eyes and gave him a cold glare. For a moment he froze. The whole world moved slowly.
"You weak, fucking coward!"
BANG!
The world suddenly sped up.
The team moved and arrested the man.
Jane punched the man and Maura collapsed.
"MAURA!"
Jane ran over to her, Maura laid in a pool of blood. Her blood. Jane held Maura close but Maura glared at the man.
"Told you, you were weak." she said.
She then coughed up blood. Jane tried to put pressure on her wound but the gun did a good job. Being hit with a shotgun at close range created a wound that Jane couldn't control.
Maura felt herself slipping and Jane saw Maura eyes closing. That was the most painful part. Not knowing if this was the last time Jane would see her alive. She pulled Maura close and kissed her. Maura tried to respond but her body was shutting down. She slumped in Jane's arms.
That had been only 1 short hour ago. The EMTs rushed Maura into surgery as the wound was across her abdomen. Jane growled. She hated herself for not moving. Why did she listen to Dean? If she had moved she could have-
Jane cried and fell asleep. Maura wouldn't want her worrying.
5 hours later
Jane had woken up to see that her mother had come and was holding her.
"Ma?"
"shh. It's ok."
Jane cried in her mother's embrace.
"Maura?"
"They are still working on her."
Jane nodded. There was still hope.
"Did you tell Constance?"
Jane hadn't thought about that. Oh she should have told her. What an idiot she was.
"No."
Jane sat there confused on what to do. She had never sat in the waiting room as a cop. Angela went for food and brought Jane some.
Angela worried for her daughter. She noticed Jane's shirt still had specks of blood on it.
About half an hour later a doctor came out.
"Are you here for Ms. Isles?"
"Yes." Jane said.
"Well she is out of surgery, she's critical but stable for now. The bullets pierced the small intestine, her left lung and the liver. She's very lucky, one bullet almost hit her heart."
Jane listened to all the pain Maura went through. She had to be strong now. No tears.
"May we see her?"
"Are you Family?"
"Yes."
"Legally?"
"No." Angela said.
"Well then you can't."
"What!" Jane growled.
Angela held her back. She also felt anger but understood their policy. Jane on the other hand.
A nurse came to the doctor.
"Ms. Isles' Mother is awake and standing."
"Very well. She can see her daughter."
Jane was very upset. She then had an idea. She and Angela went to Constance's room.
They entered after the nurse left.
"Jane? Angela? What are you doing here?" Constance asked upon seeing them.
"We came for Maura." Angela said.
"What happened?"
Jane began to cry again. She held Constance's hand and looked into her eyes.
"Mau-Maura was shot." Jane barely whispered.
"Pardon?"
"She was helping me with a bust and was shot."
"So this is your fault?"
"Yes." Jane admitted, it was her fault even though it was Maura's idea.
"I see."
"Pleas e forgive me Constance. I wasn't fast enough."
The nurse came back.
"Mrs. Isles?"
"Yes." Constance said.
"You may see your daughter. Are-Are these two with you?"
A moment of silence. Jane's last thread of hope hung on the next word.
"No." Constance said. Jane was crushed.
Three days have passed since Jane heard that news. She hadn't left the spot in her the waiting room. She hadn't showered and Angela and the others brought her food. She wanted to cry but ran out of tears. She sat numb as the world swirled around her and on top of that she hadn't seen Maura at all. Constance forbid Jane and Angela from seeing her.
Angela walked to her and Constance stood beside her.
"Jane baby. We're going to get lunch. Do you want something?"
Jane shook her head. Constance smiled and held her.
"Hey Angela wait a sec."
Angela stood and waited. Constance looked at them.
"Come with me."
They followed and stood outside Maura's room.
"Jane stay here. Only two at a time."
Was she?
No. Why would she grant Jane that wish?
Angela and Constance went in for about ten minutes. When they returned, Angela looked happy but scared.
"We are going to lunch and then I'm going home. Are you sure you wouldn't want something?"
Jane shook her head. Constance smiled and held the door open. Jane didn't move but then she realized.
"Are you, I mean may I, umm."
"Yes, I added you to the list."
"Co…Cons….Constance." She stated her voice shaky as tears formed.
"She needs you and besides you have suffered enough."
"Jane. She's pretty bad. I hope you are ok."
"I'll be ok mom."
They shared a look then Jane went inside the door.
Jane swallowed vomit as she looked at what Maura had become. Her body lay covered in tubes. One to help her breath, one to feed her, one to monitor her heart.
The weak little pulse was the only sound. The only reassurance that Maura was still among the living. Jane tiptoed to Maura and looked closer.
The tube down her throat made her cry. Maura was here but only thanks to a machine, she could still die. She held Maura's hand softly and cried. T
She held Maura's hand and broke down.
She felt a shift in the room and turned around. She stood in front of Maura protectively…like she should have done. She scanned the area and was shocked at who she saw.
"Doyle?"
"Hello detective."
"What do you want?"
"To check on my daughter."
Jane was hesitant and blocked him.
"I saw it." he said.
"What?"
"In the warehouse. I had a feeling Maura was in danger and I was right."
Jane didn't believe him.
"That agent blocked your judgement."
If he knew about that…He was there. Jane moved aside and let him in.
She watched the interaction. He simply placed his hand in Maura's and kissed her head. He looked very solemn. Inside he truly cared for Maura.
"I had a gun, ready to kill you but the agent saw me."
Wait. If dean noticed Doyle, Maybe that is why he told Jane to wait. So this is Doyle's fault, not hers. Yeah makes sense, why only take down one criminal when you can catch a wanted mobster. This was his fault, Jane told herself.
Doyle looked at her and frowned.
"I don't know what kind of web you are tangling to involve me in this. I don't wish to know what kind of relationship you have with my daughter. But remember this Jane, the person responsible for this was the firefighter."
Jane looked at him. He was right the firefighter shot Maura, not her. But she still felt a guilt.
"…and you. You're the one who didn't save her. Jane blame yourself."
Jane clenched her fist as the guilt spilled over.
"You made a promise to me. To protect her and you broke it. I should end you, however…"
Doyle took Jane's hand and placed it in Maura's.
"Love is a stronger flame than hate."
He began to leave. Jane was shocked at his speech.
"Why?"
Doyle stopped but didn't face her.
"Why what?"
"Why let me live now? I mean you were so eager before."
"She needs you alive more than I want you dead."
"Are you still going to shoot me?"
"One day, detective. For now I'll let you live. Better use my gift wisely."
"I won't be this friendly next time." Jane said.
"Neither will I. For now love her, we can hate each other later."
"Yeah."
"How can I help her?" Jane asked.
"Just love her."
"I will."
"I know. For now you live. Goodbye Jane."
Jane cupped Maura's face and looked at her softly. Doyle looked back at the pair and smiled.
Jane please love her in a way I never could.
Maura, you have to be strong. You were blessed with your mother's grace and charm. You are cursed with my protectiveness and burn for vengeance. Be safe and learn to love Jane. Forgive her as I cannot. Fight on my daughter.
He then turned and left the pair in the quiet room.
Jane held Maura's hand as the world finally slowed to the weak pulse shooting through Maura's hand. She cried feeling helpless. The only thing she could do was relive the scene and wonder what went wrong. She felt helpless as Maura had to cling to life with a tube.
Was this how Maura feels every day? Every time that Jane ends up here?
Jane felt guilty, not only for what she has done but what she put Maura through. As a cop she risked her life every day and never thought anything about it. She would kill and be killed in an instant. Her mom always worried but she assumed that it was overprotectiveness.
Did Maura feel the same way Angela did?
Maura had always healed her wounds and never left her side when in the hospital. When she was attacked by Hoyt, Maura slept in Jane's bed for 3 days and then another week once she was released. When she shot herself, Maura staying in the same blood covered dress for a week in a half as she never went home and cleaned. Not until Jane woke up.
Jane felt the guilt and shame crushing her. Every day she went to work she not only risked her life but Maura's as well. She never meant to put Maura through this feeling and would apologize as soon as Maura woke up.
Jane replayed Doyle's words in her head.
you're the one who didn't save her…blame yourself…love is a stronger flame than hate…just love her…
"I'm the one who didn't save her." Jane admitted to herself. She tried to come up with any other reason. Dean's order, Maura's foolish bravery, Doyle's presence. But there was none. This was Jane's fault and her's alone.
She looked at Maura's monitor. It was weak but alive. Maura was weak but alive. Doyle gave Jane a second chance, as life gave Maura.
The happiness was over shadowed by the sinking darkness. This is what Maura had to go through all the time. Worrying if Jane would live or die. She knew she had a lot of making up to do if Maura woke up. She sat in the chair but never let go of Maura's hand. She wanted to kiss Maura but the tube down her throat stopped that. She settled on kissing her hand instead.
She never wanted to feel this again:
The feeling of hopelessness
Of not knowing if your lover would live or die.
Knowing it should have been you,
Wishing it was.
Reliving it over and over,
Knowing there is nothing you could have done,
What you should have done.
Maura lived this every day but Jane could never understand that.
Jane never understood the sorrow, the grief, the guilt and the helplessness.
Not until Maura got shot,
Not until Maura let herself get shot.
Not until the 3 day wait.
Not until the blood stained clothes.
Not until the endless tears.
Not until the broken mirror.
Not until the guilt and shame
Not until the self-blame.
Not until the prays
For just one more day.
One more day for her to say
What she always held at bay.
She hoped love could find a way
For Maura to hear her words of love
Jane was numb, for doing something so dumb
Her hesitation may be the end,
Of her truest friend.
She knew Maura would probably die,
But she wasn't ready to say goodbye.
She never wanted to feel this again
But now knew the pain of her friend.
...
Jane never understood Maura's pain,
until she had to live it.
FIN