Backstory: This entire thing. Is based on a real life session on the game Furcadia, in which several friends spammed a dream with half couches in a dream with moogles in an army. Screenshots and logs of this can be seen on the website of one of the spammers (Zeki.) Ranul, Zeki, Summer Hunter, Reds and Nick (Forget Reds and Nick's real usernames, but they should know who they are, especially Nick. XD) are all real people and their characters are copyrighted to them. The last names have little stories behind them; Zeki has an alt named Harixe, so that's her moogle's last name. Ranul has an alt named Lunarsoul, and Ran's name backwards is Lunar, so I took 'Soul' and made it backwards for his last name (though it looks like 'louse'.) Summer Hunter is actually Sum's real Furc name. Reds's full Furc name I think was something like Reds Sunset, but I don't know for sure. Same with Nick; the second part of his name has eluded my memory.
OH YEAH. Moogles are not my creation. I DISCLAIM THEM AND THE ACTUAL CHARACTERZ IN THIS FIC OF DOOOOOOOM. I didn't get the actual peoples' permission to use their characters because A, they were never online when I were. B, I didn't know Reds and Nick's full Furc names. and C, I'm lazy. Sorries, guys. Oh, and these moogles like are the Final Fantasy Tatics Advance moogles because they have bigger ears. Hence why it's listed under Final Fantasy Tatics Advance. And this place takes place faaaaaaaaar away from Ivalice. It's the island that was mentioned in that mission where you had to send Life Water... the cry from help came from Nick. xD
Desperation tends to win over our common sense. Nick Osny was a normal moogle commander in the war against the Darkanians. And the supply of new recruits was getting lower and lower as the days went by. What possessed Commander Osny to recruit the four biggest idiots in the entire universe? The world may never know. The idiots? Ranul Lous, Zeki Harixe, Summer Hunter and Reds Sunset. The day Nick took in the said four moogles, he was in for it.
It wasn't that Ranul, Zeki, Summer and Reds had a small mental capacity. The four were actually quite intelligent. Part of the reason was that they didn't give a damn about being in the army. Another part of it was that they had very short attention spans. And Zeki enjoyed killing things. But that is not relevant to the story at the moment. We shall continue on Zeki's love of killing things later on.
"Alright, kupo, pick a gun and let's get started on your training," Commander Osny said, opening the door to the armoury, informally called the gun room. The white moogle wore a navy blue jacket and a green helmet. The helmet had two openings for his long ears to stick out of and the little… fuzzy ball thing on a string that all moogles have just stuck out under the helmet. A black moogle flew over his commander's head and began looking at the guns.
"Whoa, dude! Zeki, get a load o' this crap!" the black furred moogle yelled, picking up the gun closest to him and pulling its trigger. Nothing came out of it. The black moogle, Ranul, growled at it, narrowing his light green eyes.
"The guns only work in train-" The commander moogle was cut off by a white moogle named Zeki darting into the gun room past him.
"Holy shizzle! I want ten!" Zeki said, completely ignoring Commander Osny's instructions that only one moogle was allowed in the gun room at a time. She began picking up as many guns as she could carry. That being four.
"Zeeeeeeeeeeki," A dust brown moogle whined and looked over Osny's shoulder, blinking her blue eyes. "Throw me one! I want to shoot Reds!"
"No way, Summer, come get your own!" Zeki called back, getting a dangerous look on her face as Osny tried to wrench three of the guns Zeki had claimed from her paws.
"I'm too lazy," Summer said, sitting down, remembering her anger toward Reds for picking up the gil she had supposedly spotted on the ground first. She glared at Reds, sticking her tongue out at him and blowing a raspberry.
Commander Osny groaned. Where had these idiots come from? No wonder their parents probably abandoned them. Well. You can turn any fool into a soldier. One that could at least shoot down one Darkanian. That was his logic. And his logic was going to be broken soon.
"Summer, don't be mad 'cause I'm pretty," A red moogle, aptly called Reds pushed Osny aside, causing the said commander to trip and nearly fall onto Summer, who squealed in fear in reply, but was too lazy to move if the commander did end up falling on her.
"Why won't this thing shoot!" Ranul threw his gun on the ground, deciding it was broken and stole three of Zeki's guns, handing one to Reds and throwing the other at Summer's head. Ranul kept the third gun to himself. Osny gave the four stooges a false smile as they all seemed happy with their firearms. Summer stood up and half a couch appeared under her. She earned an odd look from everyone else and Nick used a vacuum to suck it up.
"Alright, kupo," Nick said. "Follow me to the training area. That's where we'll see if you're worth a single thing, kupo."
"The entire 'kupo' thing makes him sound a lot less threatening," Zeki whispered to Reds all four of the new recruits followed their disrespected commander. Reds nodded, aiming his gun at the commander's back and pulling back on the trigger. However, if any of them had listened or had any common sense, they would know the guns would only shoot when they were loaded and only worked in training areas. In Summer's case, when it was turned on, as she had a lazer gun.
The hallways were long and dark looking. Everyone was silent because Osny promised to let them shoot him if they remained quiet until he told them they could talk. Osny was planning to never let them talk. Unfortunately, the story would be very boring with a muted quartet of morons, so we shall find a way to make them start calling each other dumbasses momentarily.
"I'm hungry," Ranul complained. Everyone ignored him. Narrowing his green eyes to slits, the moogle bellowed. "Feed me!" His yell echoed down the hallway.
"Hey, Ran, I've got a message for you," Reds said.
"Yeah?"
The red moogle stopped walking and stepped in front of Ranul, who nearly had a Colette Brunel klutz moment as he avoided bumping into Reds while the red moogle began winking as he spoke a letter.
"S," After the S, Reds closed his eyes and smiled in false joy. "T," In mock surprise, Reds's jaw dropped and his eyes opened wide. "F," Afterwards, he gave Ranul a cheesy grin. "U!" The message delivered, Reds turned around and ran on a bit to catch up with the rest of the group. Ranul growled and decided Reds was going to serve a short amount of time in the army as they ascended an abnormally large staircase, which according to Nick would take them to an elevator. Summer sat down while they were in the elevator, complaining that her feet hurt. When she stood up to get off, another half-couch appeared under her. Nobody noticed. The half-couch remained on the elevator.
"Alright, kupo, this is the training area," Nick Osny said as the other four moogles emerged from the elevator and entered a place with electric fences everywhere in place of walls. There was no ceiling, too. It never occurred to any of the four new recruits that if they hated this place, they could fly away from this point. "This is a haven, through that door-" Nick nodded at a black door to his left, which was the only way out of the 'haven', other than the elevator and the two staircases present. "-Is a training room, the only place your guns will actually work."
"What the hell? Why didn't you tell us before that our guns wouldn't work when we weren't in a freakin' training area?" Ranul demanded. Zeki began cursing as she dropped her gun on her foot, continuing to swear even after the pain subsided for the sake of using profanity. Summer started tap dancing as Reds sang, "I'm not wearing underwear today", complete with a perverted smile. Poor Nick.
"Shut up, kupo!" Calming himself, Nick fingered a medal on his green coat to remind himself of his status. "Down that green stairway-"
"Ohemgee!" Zeki screamed, causing everyone to cover their ears at the high pitched wail. "The stairway to heaven is stalking me!" Ranul responded to her spazzing by humming Led Zeppelin's famous song. Summer started doing the can-can to the song. Reds pointed and laughed at Nick, whose face was beginning to turn red in fury.
"ALL OF YOU. STAY QUIET FOR KUPO TWO MINUTES AND I'LL GIVE YOU COOKIES," When the silence became absolute, the commander began speaking again. "Down the green staircase is the mess hall, kupo. You eat food there. It's not a hall nor is it messy, if I can help it, kupo." Summer Hunter began squirming in anxiety. "Down the black staircase are the dormitories. You all will be privates if you pass the shooting test, so you will all share a room with other privates. You can tell who's higher ranked than you by their uniforms. Blue is the colour of privates, your rank. Brown uniforms means they're a lieutenants. Red's an officer"
"Oh, yeah, baby!" Reds grinned, then started doing a victory dance. "Didja hear that? I'm an officer already, that's how good I am! Woohoo!"
"No, kupo!" Nick snapped, fed up with the stupidity and vanity of Reds. "I mean red is the colour of an officer's uniform!" Reds's face was a mark of pseudo sorrow. "And green is commander, the highest rank here."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Zeki's jaw dropped. "You're a commander?"
Nick didn't even reply to the question. He was that sick of the idioicy that was the four new recruits. If this area hadn't been secured by electric fences, he'd throw them off, onto the hard ground below, where nobody would ever find their bodies.
Wouldn't we all.
LOL POOR NICK. You can bet the actual real people made him go through this type of thing. I heard from Ranul that he went AFK to eat a sandwich and came back to find his dream filled with half-couches.
And by the way, the idea of a moogle tap dancing and doing the can-can is a very funny image to me. I should do a flash movie of that.