Love lost
T h e m u s i c a l
Music except including: I feel pretty * Tonight * I will survive
* Can you feel the love tonight *
* I will always love you * It's getting hot in herre * O terra Addio
* Barney (Kindergarten remix) *
*Starring: Madison Houff as Nancy * David Kettler as Bob * Also featuring:
Shiitake Mushrooms * Sliced Brie Cheese * Bruce the moose
It was a cold autumn evening in November. The wind was whistling around
his ankles as Bob trudged up the steps of the brick row house he had been
working up the courage to go to. 'Nancy... dear Nancy...' he thought to
himself, clutching the cold brass doorknob in his palm. 'Now I will know
for sure...'
Nancy was almost finished tying up her hair into a fancy braid. She
giggled with anticipation, as she thought about how beautiful she looked.
Nancy started singing a song.
"I feel pretty... oh so pretty... I feel pretty and witty and light!
And I pity... any girl who isn't me tonight..."
Nancy then started brushing her hair again, and singing some more.
"Tonight... tonight... won't be just any night...
Tonight there will be no morning sun!
Tonight... tonight... I'll see my love tonight!
And for us... stars will stop where they are!"
Nancy's song was broken when she suddenly heard the doorknob ring.
Staring dejectedly at herself for a couple of seconds in the full-length
mirror, she anxiously walked over to the door
as quickly as she could in her slinky high-heeled sandals, and opened it.
For several seconds she just stared at the handsome young man standing out
there, shivering in the cold air.
"B... Bob!" she stammered out, not sure of what to do.
Bob smiled shyly at Nancy. "Nancy. May I come in? It's a bit cold out."
Nancy, still too shocked to speak, motioned for him to come in. "What are
you doing here, Bob? Didn't you have to go work at the Kettle factory
tonight?"
"You were more important than that. To me." Bob said, more boldly than
before. Mustering up the courage that had taken him to get here, Bob
reached out and took hold of Nancy's hand.
Nancy was startled and almost pulled back until she saw the look in his
eyes. "Bob?" she said quietly.
"Nancy." Bob replied gently, as he put both hands around hers. "I... I've
been meaning to tell you this for quite a while but..." He started to plan
out how to say what he wanted to, without sounding stupid. "Listen, we've
been through a lot, Nancy. Just you and I. I know we've had our rough
times, but we... we've been through a lot and..." Bob stopped for a
second, and reached into his coat pocket. "Nancy. I love you."
Nancy's eyes widened. Watching as Bob kneeled down, she glanced at her
watch. '7:50. I have just enough time if I leave now.' She started to say
"Bob, I..."
Bob interrupted her. "Nancy. Will you..." he pulled out a velvet box,
popping it open. Inside was a shining ring. "Will you marry me?"
For several seconds Nancy stood frozen in place by his words. Then,
feeling pressured to speak, she nervously said "Bob... I don't know how to
say this... but..." she watched as he lifted up his head enough to look
into her eyes. "I have to be somewhere right now. I'll see you later."
Nancy grabbed her hand back, and started to quickly walk towards the front
door, until Bob grabbed her shoulder.
"Nancy! Why will you not answer?" His voice was pleading. Nancy felt her
heart melt as she turned around.
"Bob... I'm sorry." Nancy shoved his hand away as she practically ran out
the door. Suddenly she tripped on her high-heeled sandals, and tumbled
down the stone steps.
Bob rushed to her side. "Are you all right, Nancy?" he gently helped her
up.
Nancy slapped his hands away. "Leave me alone!" she yelled, and opened
the door to her car, got in, and drove off.
Bob watched as she sped away. He reached down and picked up the velvet
box, broken by Nancy's harsh slap. "Nancy..." he murmured to himself. "I
really love you Nancy!!" he cried out, his voice faded out in the dark as
he sank down to the ground, weeping. "Nancy! I really do love you... why
won't you return it?"
After she pulled up next to the plush restaurant that she had arranged to
meet at, Nancy turned off the car and sat in the darkness for several
seconds, reflecting on what had just happened. "Bob... Bob just proposed
to me! For the third time!" Nancy looked at the wallet-sized picture of
Bob's smiling face, taped next to the glove compartment. "And, for the
third time, I couldn't just tell him no." She adoringly stroked the
carefully framed 8x10 precariously balanced on the windshield. "I should
really find a more secure place for my picture of my one, my only... Brie."
Brie the pre-sliced piece of cheese was anxiously checking his watch. The
saucy piece of mushroom sitting next to him squeezed his hand.
"Shiitake..." he murmured, as she drew him in close.
They both then started a heart-stirring duet of "Can you feel the love
tonight?" After several verses and choruses, the started making out.
"Brie..." Shiitake murmured into his ear, as she put her arms around him.
"Why do you keep checking your watch while looking out the window? Is
something bothering you?"
"Nothing, dear Shiitake, nothing. It is just that at 8:00 I was supposed
to meet someone here." Brie kissed Shiitake.
Shiitake didn't return it. She frowned at the piece of sliced cheese next
to her. "Is it another woman?"
"Now, Shiitake! Don't go thinking like that! Here, I'll tell you what.
After we're done dinner, let's go over to my apartment. I have something I
want to show you." Brie smiled lovingly at the beautiful mushroom.
"Oh, Brie! You don't mean it!" Shiitake exclaimed excitedly, putting her
arms around him.
Just then, the door to the restaurant opened, and Nancy walked in.
"B...Brie! What's going on?! What is this saucy piece of mushroom doing
here? Brie!?" she exclaimed, rushing over to where he was sitting, with
Shiitake on his lap.
Brie nervously got Shiitake off of his lap, and stood up next to Nancy.
"Nancy... I didn't want you to..."
"Brie! You lied to me! You told me you weren't seeing anyone else!" Nancy
slapped him.
"I... I'm sorry, Nancy." Brie took a breath slowly. "But, well, I love
her."
Nancy stopped. Shiitake took the opportunity to put her arms around Brie.
"And I love him as well."
After several seconds of staring at the two lovers, Nancy started singing
a rousing chorus of...
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side
Then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along"
Brie and Shiitake just watched as Nancy danced around the restaurant, and
hopped up onto a table.
"Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Coz you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no not I, I will survive
For as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give
I'll survive
I will survive
Hey hey!"
The whole restaurant clapped as Nancy caught her breath from her song,
and finally spoke, this time in a soft voice. "If you really do, it's fine
with me, Brie." A tear rolled down her face, and she quickly brushed it
away. "If it will make you happy..." Nancy quickly walked out of the
restaurant, tears streaming down her face.
Brie and Shiitake stared at one another for a few seconds. Then they
started making out again.
Nancy sat in her car, tears rolling down her face. "I... I knew that he
didn't... but... I love him! Oh, Brie..." She cried for a while, then
remembered she was still hungry. "I'll get some take-out from this
restaurant... maybe that will cheer me up." Nancy walked over to the
take-out window.
An moose employee with the name-tag "Bruce" came up to her. "What'll it
be?" he said gruffly.
"I'll just have the special." replied Nancy.
"10 minutes." Bruce the moose said, then went off to check what the daily
special was. "Cheese melt with mushrooms." the sign read.
*****
Bruce the moose headed into the kitchens. He was the only one working
this late. "Holy spit!" he exclaimed, searching through the refrigerator.
"Who forgot to get more of those gosh-darn packs of pre-sliced brie! And
we are completely out of the mother-clucking shiitake mushrooms! If only
we had just a bit so I could make that order." Bruce the moose quickly
scanned the kitchen for any sliced Brie or Shiitake mushrooms. "Cluck it
all! I'll look on the tables, maybe there will be some leftover cheese or
mushrooms I can use."
He then walked over to where Brie and Shiitake were sitting. The two were
singing a resounding refrain of "I will always love you."
"And I.... will always love yooooouuuuuu!
I... can't help loving yooooouuuuuu!"
Bruce the moose walked up to the caroling couple's table, knife in hand.
Staring oddly at the two, he murmured under his breath. "Some sliced Brie
cheese, and Shiitake mushrooms... how lucky I am today."
Brie and Shiitake eyed the knife. "Why... why are you doing this?"
Bruce the moose picked the pair up and carried them to the kitchen. "I'm
sorry, you two. But business is business. That's just the way it goes." He
placed Shiitake in a pot. "I think I'll boil the mushrooms first. Then
I'll melt you, cheese."
"No!" Shiitake cried, throwing her arms around Brie. "Let us die
together!"
"All right. I guess I could just throw you both in the oven till you
succumb to the heat or lack of oxygen." Bruce the moose picked up Brie and
Shiitake and threw them in the oven.
'This reminds me of Hansel and Gretel' thought Brie.
Bruce the moose turned the dial on the oven to 250°. "I'll just let you
two sit for 5 minutes, and come back when you're nice and done. I hope
that Nancy likes her mushrooms fried..."
Brie suddenly jolted up. "Nancy?"
Bruce the moose blinked, then glimpsed down at the order. "Yes, it was
ordered under the name of Nancy. Goodbye!"
Brie stood still, stunned that Nancy had hated them both so much that she
would have himself and his lover systematically executed. He thought
nothing would be a greater woe than the feeling of betrayal in his heart
until the heat kicked in. "Shiitake... I feel faint. Hold me..." Brie
cuddled up with Nancy in the corner of the oven.
"It's gettin hot in herre..." noted Shiitake. "We only have a few seconds
left before we succumb to the heat or run out of oxygen. There is only one
logical thing to do, Brie."
"I know, Shiitake. We must start singing at the top of our lungs!" Brie
and Shiitake immediately started to sing a song from Mr. Zepplin's opera
CD.
"O terra, addio; addio, valle di pianti...
Sogno di gaudio che in dolor svanìì.
A noi si schiude il ciel e l'alme erranti
Volano al raggio dell'interno dìì."
(Translation)
"O Earth, farewell - farewell, vale of tears,
dream of joy which vanished into sorrow.
Heaven opens to us, our wandering souls fly
fast towards the light of eternal day."
Bruce the moose peeked inside at the singing duo. "I forgot that cheese
doesn't melt until 400°. Better crank it up!" He turned the dial to 450°.
"AIEEEEEE!"
Bruce the moose calmly watched as mushroom wilted and cheese melted. He
took them out, spreading the cheese on bread and fixing the mushrooms next
to the sandwich as a side dish.
*****
"Take-out's ready! Nancy." Bruce the moose called out to no one in
particular out of the take-out window.
Nancy stood up and walked over to the window. She got out her wallet.
"How much?"
"$75, plus tax." Bruce the moose replied curtly, eyeing the sign saying
"$7.50 only!"
Nancy looked queerly as she got out her credit card. "Are you...
'special,' Bruce? Your math skills don't seem up to par."
"Well... the math isn't my fault... Special? I don't think so... unless
you think I am!" Bruce the moose posed sexily, and held out a hand for the
money. "Give it to me, baby!"
"Well, what went into this to make it so expensive?" Nancy asked after
giving the cash to him, and picked up the Styrofoam box which unknowingly
handling the final remains of her former lover.
Bruce the moose scratched his head. "Cheese...umm... some smelly kind, I
think... and some Japanese 'shrooms. That's all... I think."
Nancy stopped for a moment, then kept walking. "Well, thank you, Bruce!"
She sat down in her car and drove away.
*****
When she got home, Nancy put the box on the kitchen table and took off
her shoes. Drat, her feet hurt! She then opened the box, and without
taking a glance inside, picked up the sandwich and took a bite. She
swallowed, then coughed.
"What was in that?" She took off the top piece of bread, and peered
inside the sandwich. She gasped, and dropped it on the floor. Crawling
toward it, she nervously reached out her hand toward the melted face, but
still handsome face of her beloved Brie.
"Brie..." she said, crying. "I ate my precious Brie!" Nancy clutched her
throat. "My poor Brie... you didn't deserve to be ingested into my
digestive system... I love you too much for that. Now there is one more
left option for me. I must rid myself of my life in a most dramatic way."
Nancy looked around the room, looking for an adequate way to take her
life. "Maybe I could slit my throat with a letter opener, or burn myself
in the fireplace, or jump out the window, or hang myself with my
shower-curtain, or suffocate myself in the car, or..." Nancy trailed off
with more self-destructive ideas as she went around her apartment.
"I know! I'll accidentally eat food off of the floor, and die of food
poisoning!" Nancy threw a piece of cheese onto the floor, (Swiss cheese,
just to be safe) and 'accidentally' ate some. Nancy clutched her throat,
and fell to the floor, motionless.
No sooner had her body fallen to the ground than Bob ran to her side.
"Bob... where did you come from...?" Nancy panted, as Bob propped her
still body up. "How did you know.... I was going to dramatically commit
suicide after unwittingly killing my true love and his mistress...?"
"I was perversely hiding outside your window, hoping that in your
depression you would try to slit your wrists in the shower, therefor
letting me get a good glimpse of you in a less-dressed state, after which
I would dramatically rescue you from your gruesome fate!" Bob answered,
proudly, straining his weak muscles under Nancy's weight.
"Bob... I hate to tell you this, but I... I detest you..." Nancy coughed
up some more blood. "But my tuberculosis is finally getting the better of
me. I'm dying, Bob. Hold me. I... I'm dying..."
Bob tried to absorb what she had just said. "Since when are you dying of
tuberculosis? Last I heard you were trying to off yourself by eating
cheese directly off of the floor. There is no tuberculosis, nor love
between us, sadly."
"Oh..." Nancy gasped, the blood magically disappearing. "Well, then. Let
me sing a bit, at least." Nancy started singing.
"I hate you... you hate me...
Guess who started WWIII ...
With a great big kick, and a punch in the head...
Can't you see that... Barney's...dead?"
They stared at each other, the beautiful song and newfound unrequited
love too awe-inspiring to be put into words, then Nancy gasped out.
"Ate... Swiss... off.... floor... five... second.... rule... all...
worth.... it...." and died.
Bob stared for several seconds at the dead Nancy in his hands. Then he
started weeping. "Nancy! Nancyyy! Nancyyyyy! Nancyyyyyyy! Nancyyyyyyyyyy!"
He held her still figure closer, then started sobbing again.
"Nancyyyyyyyyyyyy! Nancyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Then, with one huge howl, he cried
out "Nancyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!"
Bob lay on the floor, panting. He clutched his throat. "Oh no!" he
thought to himself. "I must have caught her tuberculosis! I didn't know it
was that contagious! Or maybe it is just a side effect from screaming for
minutes on end. I don't think she even had tuberculosis, anyway." he
added, as an afterthought.
He eyed the partially eaten piece of Swiss. "Nancy." he thought. "If you
hated me in life, then at least I will be able to be hated by you,
together, in death." His decision made, Bob reached his hand to the cheesy
piece of Swiss on the floor, next to Nancy's dead body.
Bob picked up the cheese, and look a bite. Then he died.
A police officer found the two bodies the next day. He said. "Wow. What
dummies."
A doctor performed an autopsy on the two bodies. He said. "Wow. They both
died of a rare form of instantaneous cheese-transmitted illness with a
rather long name that is referred to as
cheesinessdubyaisstupidandiskillingiraqistoliberateoilwells-itis."
The sad fable of the two anti-lovers was told over and over until the
name of the disease was forgotten and replaced with liberal political
statements in hopes that no one would bother to read it.
The end.