A/N: Hello, everyone. I'm posting this story because this is what happens when my TV breaks and I have no wi-fi so... don't judge. I lost my mind a little, as you can see. Also, I do not intend in NO WAY to make fun of homophobia, but rather portrait the ridiculousness of it.
P.S: I have nothing against Idaho, I just needed a location in a state with a mountain zone.
Rain was pouring heavily making the car's rooftop sound like a drum set. To my side, dad squinted his eyes, trying to catch a better view of the road.
"Dad? Are you sure it's not dangerous driving with a rain like this?"
He turned to look at me, a big, goofy grin plastered on his face.
"The rain? I'll tell you what's really dangerous in here... You see, I'm totally wasted! And we haven't crashed yet, so relax!"
"What? Are you drunk right now? Oh my Glob, dad, look at the road!"
He turned right on time to avoid crashing with another truck. He surely had practice on this. What a relief.
"You knew I was coming today, so why did you have to choose this very day to get drunk?!"
"Oh..." He said nonchalantly. "Well, to be honest I didn't even remember you were supposed to arrive today. Had I remembered I would have drank only five shots."
Seriously?!
"Just... Look at the road, dad."
"Calm down, you drama queen! Do you think I'm some kind of amateur who just hops into the car and kills someone?"
As soon as he said that, we hit something, and the truck ran into it with the two left tires. I heard a man scream his heart out.
"What was that?"
"Just an animal, sweetie."
"That... Didn't sound like an animal."
"Don't worry, princess. Poor creature is with God now."
I gripped my seat so tight that my knuckles turned white.
"I told you, we're already here... Safe and sound."
The truck was covered in mud and branches, thus being the result of my dad "taking a shortcut". I carefully stepped outside the truck, shaking. My dad stepped out too, putting a hand on my shoulder.
"Home, sweet home. Welcome to Spurts, Bonnie."
In our way here, besides watching my entire life speeding in front of my eyes, I was picturing a dumpster disguised as a house. But once I was in front of it, I was surprised. My dad's house was in a perfect shape, the lawn was neat and the coat painting seemed to be recent. I walked a few steps towards it.
"Not bad, huh? See that window over there? That'll be your room."
He took my suitcases, but in his drunken state, stumbled and dropped one of them. I heard something crashing.
"Dad!"
"Sorry, Bon. Imma buy you a new one. Now, let's get you settled in."
We stepped inside, totally soaked. Dad started squeezing his shirt.
"Where is my room? I don't want to stay like this for long, I might get sick."
"Uh... Right. Go upstairs and the second door on the right side is your room."
I went upstairs, like he said, carrying my own luggage. I wasn't going to let my dad break more of my stuff.
My room was clean and everything was organized. I changed quickly into dry clothes.
"Your mom said that she wanted us to call via Skype as soon as you arrived."
"Good. Maybe she'll explain why am I here and how long I am going to stay."
He turned on his laptop and logged in. The Skype phone rang a few times and mom finally appeared on the screen.
"Oh, honey, you finally made it! Knowing what kind of driver is your father, I was dead worried that you two were gonna crash and die... Well, I was worried about you. Your dad is allowed to die if he pleases to."
"Hey, I'm right here, you know?" Dad waved his hand, so mom could see.
"Yeah, I know. I wanted you to hear that."
"Bitch."
"What was that, you prick?"
"Nothing, you deaf hag."
"Oh my Glob, stop it, you two!" I screamed. I wasn't in the mood to hear them yell at each other. "Mom, you said it was important to call you."
"Oh, right, cutie pie! You see... You're in Spurts, Idaho and you'll be living with your dad for the next few months! Yay!" She actually pulled out the pompons she used back when she was in high school.
"What? Why?" I turned to my dad with a look of concern in my features. "Are you dying? Is that why I'm here?"
"Oh, I wish that was the case." They both said at the same time.
"No, darling, you see... I might be a little busy these next months because, you know... I'm getting married!"
Now was the turn for me and my dad to yell at the same time.
"And you're telling me this now?"
"Well, I wanted it to be a surprise."
Well, what a surprise.
"When are you marrying? Does your future husband even know about my existence?"
"Why... Oh, but of course, Bonnibel, what did you think? Of course he knows about you... I just told him the truth... That you missed your dad so much that you wanted to spend some quality time with him."
"Qua... Mom, would you care to explain what is going on?"
"You don't let me tell you the whole story! He's running for senator! And we're going to marry so we're together in his campaign."
"Woah... Mom, that's awesome but... That still doesn't explain why you sent me here."
She adopted a serious expression.
"Well... Bonnie, darling... He'll be a senator... And he can't allow any scandals to step in, right?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"So... I told him that because I expect that when you come back, you're... fixed, you know what I mean?"
"I'm not really sure." I said frowning my face.
"What I mean, Bonnibel is that I need you to be de-gayed."
Mom said it really fast, as if she was ripping a band-aid. I was confused.
"You need me to be what?"
"I need you to stop being gay."
I went silent for a minute.
"You're gay?" My dad asked. I didn't answer, because I was too busy being agape.
"I'm not even gay." I said very slowly.
"That's the attitude, darling."
"No… I mean it. I'm not gay! Why would you even think that?"
"Honey, it's pretty obvious by now! You spend too much time with girls and you've never had a boyfriend."
"I go to an all-girl school!"
"Exactly, don't you think that's a little suspicious?"
"It was your idea in the first place! If that's the problem why didn't you just transfer me to another school? A school that is not on the other side of the country, for example!"
"I'm afraid that wouldn't be enough, Bonnie. I don't want my fiancé to find out that you're gay… so I sent you to the town with the smallest amount of homosexuals and acceptance towards them. Once you're back to normal you'll come back and meet him. He wants to get to know you."
Nothing could be heard in the room for a minute. When I got back to my senses, I started to talk really slowly to see if I got it right.
"So… you sent me to the most homophobic town in country, expecting that my non-existent homosexuality can be erased."
"You know? I don't really like that 'homophobic' word, because it sounds aggressive, yeah? I'd rather say that we just don't like homosexuals."
"How… Fucking… Could you?!"
"Bonnibel, watch that mouth!"
"How could you fucking send me to this Glob-forbidden place where you expect me to get a lobotomy?! I mean, for starters… what kind of fucking homophobe place is called 'Spurts'? Do you know what 'Spurt' means? It means ejaculation! Was this place named after a gay porn movie?"
"Bonnibel, watch that fucking mouth of yours! I didn't raise you to talk like that and of course I know what 'spurt' means, I saw tons of spurt when I was your age until that idiot next to you got me pregnant!"
Suddenly she realized what she was saying, and regained composure, pretending she didn't spill those things a while ago.
"Bonnibel, I trust you." Mom said with a sigh.
"I know this is just a phase. Do you promise me that, when you come back, you'll be totally straight?"
"I told you, I'm not gay!"
"Yes, sweetie, repeat it like a mantra and you'll stop being gay for sure."
"I'm…!"
It was useless. She was ignoring me so I decided to play along. Maybe if I hurried up showing that I was 'cured' I wouldn't have to stay here for long.
"Yes, mom. When I go back, I'll be the straightest of them all."
"That's my girl! Well, I got to get going, cherry pie! Have fun in Spurts!"
She ended the call. Dad and I stood there, staring at the screen.
"I'm not gay." I said before he could talk.
"Your mom is getting married again."
"Yeah… quite a shock, huh?"
"I need to get drunk."
"Aren't you drunk right now?"
"That was a 'happy drunk'. Now I need a 'sad drunk'."
He went downstairs, leaving me alone. I couldn't believe mom did this to me... And I couldn't believe she caught a politician. I lay down and cried a little.
No.
I sat on my bed. If mom thought I was a lesbian I had to prove that I was the straightest person alive. I had to go back home. No one would step in my way. Absolutely no one.
The next morning I dolled up myself as usual. The difference was that I was not going to be in an all-girl school anymore, but in a public school with both girls and boys. I was a little nervous because I never had a real interaction with a boy before, but I was eager to prove my mom that she was being paranoid. I looked at the mirror to see myself, and threw a kiss to my reflection. I was hot, indeed. I would totally do me without thinking it twice if I were a boy… No, wait… that's a gay thought. Damn.
"Dad."
I shook his shoulder, hoping he would wake up. He was laying on the floor in a very uncomfortable position.
"Dad, wake up. I don't know where school is and you're gonna be late for work."
Did my dad have a job? I had no clue. I hadn't seen him in ages.
"Dad, come on!" I felt like Simba trying to wake up his deceased father.
"Not now, princess. Daddy is still a little drunk right now."
"You better take a shower now. And I think it's for the best if I drive."
Once my dad looked like a human being again, drinking a cup of the strongest coffee I could prepare, we were ready to head off.
"Okay, so… just tell me where to go."
"Hmm… you surely make a nice coffee." He pulled out a tiny whisky bottle but before he could pour it into the cup, I took it and threw it out the window.
"Is it too much to ask you stay sober for my first day?"
"Who cares? I'm not the one who's driving." He said with a shrug but I glared at him.
"Fine… just go straight and I'll tell you when to take a turn."
We arrived to the school parking lot fifteen minutes early. Excellent, I loved being punctual.
"Here's your schedule."
I got out of the car, walked towards the building and noticed my dad was walking in the same direction. Now he was retrieving a chewing gum out of his pocket.
"Shouldn't you be heading for work?"
"I work here."
I blinked several times.
"And what exactly do you do?"
He pointed to the door in front of us.
"Principal Schreiber."
"You're the principal in this place?" I couldn't believe it. He just kissed my forehead.
"Don't be late."
Classes were uneventful. The same dynamics applied to every single one of them: "Yes, I'm Bonnibel Schreiber. Yes, I'm from Ohio. Yes, I'm principal Schreiber's daughter. No, he wasn't delusional when he talked about me, you see? I'm real. Yes, I will make sure he doesn't throw up again in the parking lot."
When lunch time arrived, I had already joined a group of people who I shared Physics and Math with.
"… and now my doctor says I have to stop biting my nails or I'll get another infection and probably lose one of my fingers, isn't that like, sucky?"
"Yes, totally sucky." I said pushing my food tray aside so Lauren wouldn't touch it. She had long, wavy purple hair. I guess that's why we clicked in the first place. At least I wasn't the only girl in here that dyed her hair.
"Good morning, students. I'm vice-principal Lemony to remind you all that boys are not allowed to eat vegetables that exceed 2 inches long. If you ignore this, you'll get detention. Nah, just kidding, no one gets detention for that, what a shame... But they should! Because boys eating falic food... That's UNACCEPTABLE!"
We heard noises, like someone was trying to take the microphone from him.
"No, let me talk!"
"This people is freaking nuts." I mumbled to myself. I needed to get out of here ASAP.
"Oh my glob, Finn is coming here."
"Who?"
"Finn!" She told me like she was saying the most obvious thing in the world. "He's in the soccer team and he's totally hot. I so have a crush on him."
"Hey, Spacek." Finn sat in front of us, a huge smile on his handsome features. I felt myself blushing, I had never been this close to a boy before.
"How was training today?"
"Total disaster. Everything was covered in mud. I had to stay an hour in the shower."
Next to me, Lauren was drooling and probably imagining Finn in the shower.
"And who is this?" He asked, smiling at me.
"I… uh…"
"Uh? That's a weird name, is it Korean?"
"No, I… My name is Bonnibel. Bonnie, for the short. I just moved here yesterday, nice to meet you."
I shook his hand but he didn't want to let it go.
"Bonnibel. That's a beautiful name. It suits you." He gave me another of his gorgeous smiles. If my mom could see me, she wouldn't ever doubt again how straight I am.
"Hey, you two. I'm still here." Lauren looked pretty pissed off but before we could say a thing, the gates of the cafeteria opened.
It was the most handsome boy I had ever seen. Tall, pale, black-raven haired. Everyone in the room turned to look at him.
"Ugh, it's him… why does everyone make such big fuzz whenever he comes here?"
Finn looked really annoyed by his presence. Especially when he saw the looks Lauren and I gave to the newcomer.
"Who is he?"
"That's Marshall Lee Abadeer. He's the son of the richest man in town." Lauren said dreamily.
"He's just a faggot." Finn said. It was obvious he was angry.
"He's not!" Lauren defended the boy as he took a seat.
"Hey…" Finn leaned so close to my ear that I felt a chill running down my spine. "Wanna see perfection? Just wait and see."
As soon as he said that, the gates opened one more time and I forgot completely about Marshall Lee and Finn.
If Marshall Lee was the sexiest guy ever, then this girl was perfection itself. Her long, black and shiny hair was free, and I could see it reached her perfect derriere. She was dressed in a cute black-and-red striped jersey and still she managed to look like the embodiment of sensuality. Well… truth be told, the jersey was maybe a little bit too tight in the chest area, like it was a couple sizes smaller than the needed one, but who the hell cared?! She totally rocked it. The girl smiled to Marshall, showing her perfect teeth and sat in front of him. They started talking for a moment before the girl took an apple. She bit her lips while staring at it.
"Uhm… Bonnie?"
"Y-yeah?"
"You're leaking."
"Wha…?"
I turned my gaze down to see what they were talking about, only to see that I was gripping so tight a milk box in my hand that I partially spilled the contents on my side of the table.
"Dang it! Geez…"
"Let me get that for you." Finn hurried to grab some napkins.
"So… who is the girl? Is she Marshall's girl?"
"Oh, no… that's his sister."
"She's totally hot, isn't she?" Lauren asked; a suspicious look on her face.
"Well… yeah… I mean, if you like that kind of stuff… not that I like girls but… yeah, she's attractive."
"You're very attractive too." Finn suddenly said.
"Oh, thank you." I could feel Lauren stabbing imaginary daggers in my head but I couldn't care less. I just wanted to learn more about the mysterious beauty that now was eating strawberries in the most sexual way ever.
"So… the Abadeer siblings, huh?"
"Oh, yeah." Finn seemed happy to have another excuse to take a look at the girl. "Marshall Lee and Marceline."
Marceline. So, that's her name. Even her name was beautiful.
"Sometimes I think they're dating each other."
"Ew! Gross!"
"Yeah, but on second thoughts, Marshall is a total fag."
"Stop saying Marshall is gay! He's not, ok? You don't have to hate him just because he's the sexiest guy in school."
While they both argued about Marshall's sexual orientation, I found myself looking again at Marceline. She was resting her chin on her hand, while taking a bite of a strawberry. And then, she felt my gaze, stared at me and did the unexpected.
She smiled. Marceline Abadeer fucking smiled at me.
Maybe mom was right. I needed de-gayment and Glob knew I wouldn't get it anytime soon if Marceline Abadeer was around.