Mind running through the face of every life he'd taken since the fall of civilization, Shinra, Yumasaki, Anri, Chikage, Mikado, Saki, Togusa, Namie, Simon and Kururi, and it was this no name stranger that had his hand shaking like a leaf in the wind.
He'd tagged along for safety in numbers not long ago, not long enough to leave an impression. Izaya couldn't even recall if, at one point, he'd even given his name. Yet he couldn't pull the trigger when the man was almost begging him to. Not even knowing the bullet could decide the fate of every group member watching.
Lungs tightening, Izaya pulled in sharp gasps or increasingly shaky breaths. He was vaguely aware of being spoken to, had the feeling someone was calling his name. But as his vision tunneled and his mind sent the world heaving he couldn't begin to understand what they wanted from him now.
He couldn't do this anymore; he couldn't be their executioner.
He dropped the gun, dropped to his knees and hunched over, head in his hands, shaking, trying and failing to pull any iota of oxygen around the ball tightening his throat. He just couldn't anymore.
Something warm, a hand, clasped his shoulder. It shook him, tried to get him vertical but his body wouldn't cooperate. He couldn't even breathe and this person was trying to communicate with him?
He knew the voice. It was familiar; one he felt comfort around, security. His name was being called as the person moved, settled next to him and drew him, as much as they could, into an embrace. They were warm, gentle and solid and so, so familiar.
"Izaya-."
He caught a glimpse of them. Calm brown eyes framed by the worry etched into his face.
"Dotachin?"
"Izaya," Kadota smiled encouragingly, "are you okay?"
Izaya nodded, he wasn't, his chest still felt tight but he no longer struggled for breath as he had, his vision was hazed, unfocused but no longer tunneled. His head though, his head ached with a vengeance, blood rushing to and fro with a pulsating punch. He sighed and leaned into Kadota.
Kadota froze a second, reflex expecting an attack, before realizing Izaya was in no condition to be doing anything. Arms wrapped around him he could feel how small he was now, and he hadn't ever been big to begin with. He hadn't noticed Izaya wasn't eating, there were the increased instances he caught sight of Izaya sharing or out right giving away his food but he felt as though he had gone without a fair meal in weeks!
"What happened?" Kadota asked, softly, gently coaxing him to sit up beside him. The ball returned, bringing with it burning eyes and a hollow ache in his heart. The feeling he'd let them down, he could no longer do the one thing they probably kept him around to do all because of the stranger slow enough to be bitten.
He sucked in a shaken breath and hugged his sides.
"Izaya, it's alright, whatever's going on it's going to be okay. Just tell me what's going on."
Izaya dropped his head to Kadota's shoulder with a sob. Kadota was stunned; acting on instinct he wound an arm about Izaya's back and cradled his head. Feeling droplets sink through his shirt he sighed.
"I can't do this anymore."
Kadota froze.
"Do what?" He asked, swallowing the fear Izaya's words left in their wake.
"This, execute. I can't. I'm sorry I-"
His relief was palpable.
"Don't worry about it. That's okay, it's okay. Someone else can do it. You don't have to."
"But-"
"No buts. We'll find another way, you don't have to do it anymore. It's okay." He was unsure whom he was trying to convince. Kadota shifted to his butt and pulled Izaya into his lap. Kneeling was making his knees ache and Izaya had been hunched over and twisted uncomfortably to slump into him as if he couldn't bare his own weight. He held Izaya closer and shooed every away, infected nobody forgotten in the face of Izaya's break down.
"I'm sorry."
"You're alright. You don't have to be sorry. You won't have to do that again Izaya, I promise."