I did this one hell of a while ago. Since there is no other purpose in my life, I thought I should at least write more and see if anyone comes across this strange tale. I don't own Naruto!
It was just an ordinary day, for these interesting S-rank criminals. They had just finished massacring an entire village because they were bored as well as kick a few puppies and detonate rabid squirrels. Okay... this was pretty ordinary for the Akatsuki if you have disapproved with the statement above.
"Home sweet home." Sasori mumbled sarcastically as they returned to the base from their usual hilariously evil plans.
The others argued amongst themselves before their leader stopped them.
"I sense another presence in the lair." Pein announced as he looked around suspiciously.
"Let me kill it!" Kisame squealed happily before he was stopped by his partner.
"Come on out." Itachi urged the mysterious shadow in the room. "Don't be afraid... oh wait, be afraid... be very afraid."
A small little girl crawled out, but not shyly, with a mischievous grin on her face which resembled the religious member of the Akatsuki. But that wasn't all... she also had the same hair color, eye color, and skin tone as Hidan which was just plain freaky to the entire organization in general.
"Oh dear Jashin!" Hidan exclaimed as he took out a bucket of holy water and poured it on the little girl's head.
She smiled back at him, unfazed.
"Oh fuck! It doesn't work!" Hidan panicked. "This stuff kills demons!"
The girl let out a sinister laugh (like Hidan's) and grinned even more.
"I'm invincible!" she yelled as she took out a water gun that was apparently steaming hot.
She then sprayed Hidan with it's piping hot contents as he screamed in agony.
"Oh! I didn't know you were a demon!" she exclaimed.
"That's because the water is fucking hot!"
"That's what the last victim told me." she reminisced.
The other Akatsuki members just stared blankly as the two albino look-alikes got into a heated argument.
"Hidan. Who the hell is this?" Kakuzu asked, seeming annoyed.
"You can't even fucking figure it out?" Hidan spat.
The rest of the members remained clueless and nodded their heads.
"It's my sister." Hidan gestured at the little girl.
Everyone remained quiet.
"Suhai... say hello." he waited for the evil child (who probably got a lot of his traits) to respond.
"Hey, hey, hey! What's up, bitches!" Suhai stuck her middle finger at everyone who became even more mentally scarred. Probably because she was only seven years old.
"What the hell, un?" Deidara stared, wide-eyed, at the kid who was dressed in a white cloak and had given them a rather... unique greeting for her age.
"Suhai! Don't fucking swear! It's bad fucking manners!" Hidan scolded.
"Shut your face nii-san! You're such a hypocrite!"
"Don't call me that!" Hidan yelled back as the others giggled at his new name.
"..."
"Shall I call you fuck-face, then?" Suhai tilted her head to the side.
"I told you not to fucking swear! I don't want you to end up like me!"
"How sweet." Sasori and Itachi commented monotonously from the background.
Hidan shot the two an evil glare and pointed his scythe at them threateningly.
"But I am not like you! You killed an entire clan when you were seven!" Suhai countered.
"Suhai... you killed an entire village when it was your fifth birthday." Hidan rubbed his temples.
"But... you helped!" she argued.
"I stood at the sidelines and watched everyone get slaughtered by you. How is that fucking helping?"
Suhai stopped talking as she formulated a new approach while Hidan explained that she got his genes (which everyone had figured out by now).
"Your first sentence was 'Give me my fucking supper, you whore!' I didn't say that when I was only two years old!" Suhai grinned as she thought she won.
"Of course. But you were much smarter than that. You had learned how to say 'fuck you' to the doctors when you came out of mom's wound. I was there!" he exclaimed as he laughed.
After the Akatsuki had enough nonsense, Konan stepped in.
"Hi sweetie, do you want something to drink or eat? Or some Ritalin, perhaps?" she asked sweetly and sarcastically as she squatted to get to the small kid's level.
"Do you have gingerbread cookies? I like to bite off their heads." Suhai asked politely.
"No. But we have Kool-aid." Konan offered.
"Oh. I used to like Kool-aid but then I heard about this cult that poisoned their Kool-aid and drank it as a way to commit suicide because they thought they were being pursued by foreign governments." Suhai replied calmly as everyone displayed a "wtf" expression.
"I'll take over." Pein helped his partner as she walked away, shuddering.
"Okay..." he squatted on his knees as well. "I'm pretty sure you can have some Kool-aid without worrying since hopefully you are not in a cult nor are you being pursued by foreign governments." Pein explained in order to reassure her.
"I'm being followed by Anbu from all over because I set fire to some buildings since they were pretty." Suhai admitted as she looked down.
Pein just stared at her incredulously for a few minutes, taken aback by her words. This girl was seven... and she was being tailed by anbu, swearing, mentioning cults, and turning into a little terrorist?
"Deidara!" Pein yelled at the blonde terrorist.
"What?! I have nothing to do with this! I swear, un!"
"Then who would possibly tell her to set buildings on fire?" Pein yelled at the blonde transgender.
"Because they are pretty." Suhai added in attempt to correct the leader.
Pein in turn, looked at Deidara even more suspiciously.
"It wasn't my plan, un..." he gritted his teeth as everyone was looking at him.
"This kid needs serious medical attention." Pein grumbled as he walked back to Suhai.
"Hi Suhai." he said awkwardly due to the fact that S-rank criminals were bad babysitters and that she was Hidan's twisted little sister... of all people...
"So... why are you following a bunch of S-rank criminals?"
"I don't know."
Pein just stared at her with an irritated expression.
"Oh yeah! I forgot! Hidan! Mom and dad are dead!" she yelled at her brother who choked on his own spit as he heard the news.
"Okay... well I'm not sure you are evil enough to stay here with us. I mean, we are trying to hunt people down and suck out the souls in order to rule the world." Pein explained to the orphan sadly.
"Oh! Trust me! She is pretty fucking evil!" Hidan piped in.
"SHUT UP!" all of the Akatsuki yelled at Hidan who got angry in return.
"Don't tell me to fucking shut up!"
"Nii-san! Shut the fuck up before I cut your head off and burn it on the stick while your body is placed in a wood chipper!" Suhai yelled while Hidan obviously did what she asked.
"Okay. Well... what else have you done that would make you a criminal?" Pein asked sweetly as if he was talking to a small child. Oh wait... he was...
"I joined the KKK." she beamed. So that's what the white robe was all about...
"Jashin... please help this child." Hidan prayed as all the other members started shaking. How awkward this must have been.
"Just let the damn child join!" Kakuzu exclaimed. "It's damn obvious that we need more members!"
"Hmmmm..." Pein thought aloud at Kakuzu's comment. "That is true..."
"What is it?" Konan urged.
"What if we were to have our siblings join the Akatsuki." Pein wondered.
"That's outrageous." Sasori commented. "We know for a fact that our little sisters are almost as bloodthirsty as ourselves... if not more."
"That's the point, you fucking genius!" Hidan and his sister snapped.
"It's decided! You are all going to look for your siblings and come back within a week." Pein ordered the rest of the Akatsuki. "Any questions?"
Hidan raised his hand.
"Yes, Hidan."
"What if my sibling is already here?"
"Then you completed the mission, dumb-ass." Kakuzu snapped which caused them both to get into a money and religion related argument where Suhai decided to toast Kakuzu with her fire-style techniques.
"Itachi? Do you have a question?"
"Yes. What if my siblings want me dead?" Itachi asked monotonously.
"I... uh... don't let Sasuke join if that's what you meant." Pein ordered.
"I have a little sister who managed to flee the night I massacred the clan." Itachi sighed. "She's probably tailing my foolish little brother."
"Good for her. Go get her." Pein ordered once he heard that she survived the Uchiha massacre.
"Kisame?"
"What if my little sister is at the aquarium?"
"Your sister works at an aquarium?"
"No. She lives there. They're opening an exhibition on sharks and..."
"THAT IS MORE THAN I NEEDED TO KNOW!" Pein yelled.
"Oh, she's nice. I..."
"Everyone besides Kisame and Hidan will all track down their sisters!" Pein interrupted but Kakuzu stayed behind since he killed his sister a while ago. Too bad.