Dance with my father again
Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!
Episode:- Big Topped
Pairing:- None
Rating:- K
Achieve:- . /group/new_tricksff/
Summary:- Sandra's world is falling apart as she thinks about her father and the shattered illusions she now has
Author's Note:- Lyrics from Dance with my Father by Luther Vandross
Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would life me high and dance with my mother and me
As my mother sleeps, looking pale and drawn the effects of her stroke clearly on her face I lose myself in memories of the past. Memories of a time when I thought life was perfect and as long as I had him to protect me nothing could ever go wrong. I remember the nights he and my mother would spend getting ready for this or that police function, I remember how smart he looked in his dress uniform and how I used to believe that my mother got to be a princess for the night. He's always be ready before her and he'd waltz me around their bedroom showing me how they would dance like prince charming and this Cinderella and I'd be captivated by the pictures he painted.
And spin me round until I fell asleep
And I know for sure that I was loved
Eventually exhaustion would overtake me and he'd carry me to bed. No matter how much I protested that I wasn't tired he always knew I was. He'd tuck me in and continue to tell me about their evening. About huge tables of police officers and their partners, about lavish meals and delicious sounding desserts, about waiters in tuxedos and music that came from huge orchestras. He'd talk and talk ignoring my mother's protests that they'd be late. He'd not leave me until I lost the fight and fell asleep feeling like the luckiest most loved little girl in the world.
If I could get another chance, another talk, another dance
I'd play a sing that would never end
How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again
Now, sitting here in the middle of the night, my mother sleeping fitfully, I wish more than anything that I could go back to that time. Back to a time when he was my hero, when all the world revolved around him and I knew nothing of the sordid side of this life or the real reason why he left me. If I could I'd go back and make those nights last forever, I'd hit the rewind button over and over and relive that time, those feelings until the end of time. I'd rap myself in that feeling of contentment, of being the centre of the world and truly loved and I'd never leave that place again.
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my own way I'd run from her to him
Looking at my mother now, so apparently helpless I can't help but think what a nightmare I must have been as a child. In my eyes he could do no wrong and she could do no right. I know now how much that hurt her, she's told me, but at the time he was the only parent I had eyes for. No matter how she tried to keep me in line, discipline me or simply give me boundaries I'd run to him with stories of how unfair it was, how much I hated her, how her only desire was to ruin my life. If I'm honest there are times when I still act like that now, sometimes she still drives me mad and I want to run to him again. I want to tell him to tell her to stop interfering in my life, to make her stop criticising me, to generally make it all go away. He's not here to have that conversation with though and even if he was I know exactly what would happen.
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
The finally make me do just what my Mama said
He'd do what he always did, he'd tease me about how impossible I was or tell me they should have called me Kate because contrary Kate had nothing on me. He'd tell me that he'd learnt that with my Mum unconditional surrender was the best form of defence, he'd joke about how she was the boss and that I got my fieriness from her. Eventually my sulk would be over and my temper calmed. He'd give me the time and space to find my own way of giving in and doing whatever it was I'd been told to in the first place. He'd never fail to make me do exactly what ten minutes before I was determined I wouldn't and I know he's still be able to do it now.
I never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
Back then I always believed he'd be there forever, I always thought eventually he'd be old and grey and still be telling me to take the path of least resistance with my mother. I thought he'd never leave me and when he did I still believed if he'd had a choice he'd not have left. Now with what I've found out today I know none of that was true. He had a choice, he could have stayed, he could have faced up to what he may or may not have done but he chose not to. Tears sting the backs of my eyes again and I no longer know if anything I believed about my past was real. When it came down to it he took the cowards way out and she was the one protecting me from the knowledge that he didn't love us enough to fight, to stay, to put us first.
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again
Now if I could relive those moments, if I could bring him back and have that final conversation with him I know it would never be the same. I'd want it to last forever still but not to relive the happiness but to get the answers to the questions that are now running amuck in my mind. I know it would take a lifetime to ask them all and even then I'm not sure any answer he could give me would help. The bubble has burst, the can of worms is open or any other cliché you chose to mention ultimately they all mean the same thing. My memories are still there but now when I close my eyes and imagine them there's a Spector in the corner of the room, standing over the childish me eyes burning onto the scene charring it at the edges. The Spector of the adult me, this me, the one who wishes she could claim back that childhood innocence but know she never can.