UBER WARNING DISCLAIMER: OK, a couple of things first. NUMBER 1! THIS MAY BE EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE TO SOME PEOPLE! It deals with religion, and if you can't deal with that, then go away! Thank you. Number 2! It contains slash. Later. Deal with it. Number 3! I don't own the characters, settings, etc. they all belong to J. K. Rowling. Enough said. Trudge on, daring souls.

The Book of Commencing

Chapter the First

Ronald Weasley was in the middle of a potions exam when he had a revelation.

It was Tuesday and Ron was sitting in a silent potions dungeon. By some miracle, he had managed to pass his OWLS with an Outstanding and landed himself in NEWT potions.

At the moment he was struggling with a problem about time-ratios and willow's bark, or something. He had nearly given up and decided to draw little sheep in the corner of his parchment when a thought crept into his head.

Wait a minute, I'm Jesus, I can do anything. I'll ace this test!

Yeah, that's right, I'm - hold up! I'm what?!

Jesus. Remember?

No!

Well, you always knew subconsciously.

Really?

Yup!

Why didn't you tell me this before? Think of all the failed exams!

He quickly jotted down 851,520 for the question he was working on.

So, any answer I put down will be correct?

No, the answer you write will be correct because you wrote it.

Oh.

Twenty seconds later, Ron had finished the entire exam in record time. Of course, he had answered each question with things like "blue mountains," or "I hope not" and all were correct.

To everyone's surprise, he stood up and left the room.

Chapter the Second

Ron walked into the Common Room. He had been thinking about being Jesus and decided he didn't really have any proof. But that would change when they got their Potions exam results back.

People swarmed him the moment he entered the room.

"Ron! Did you see your exam scores?!" cried Dean.

"You got every problem correct!" Neville added.

"How did you get the top score?" asked Blaise Zambini, his voice full of malice.

"It's because I'm Jesus!" Everyone stared at him for a moment before breaking out in laughter.

"Good one Ron!" Seamus said, between laughs.

Satisfied, the crowd quickly dispersed. Ron walked over to where Harry and Hermione sat.

"Ron," Hermione said, getting straight to the point. "How did you get that score?" If no one else believed him, at least they should.

"I'm Jesus," he said casually.

"Really, Ron, how'd you do it?" asked Harry who had only gotten a C+.

"I told you, I'm Jesus," he said a bit more seriously.

"Honestly, Ron! I don't like being lied to, and I'm sure Harry doesn't appreciate it either."

"Maybe you don't believe me, like a real friend would," Ron said angrily, "but you do, right Harry?"

"Well, it is a little hard to believe..."

"So you take her side?!" He glared at them. "Great friends you are!" Ron left the common room, face bright red.

Chapter the Third

Even though it was afternoon, Ron was alone outside. He didn't really have anywhere to go, so he wandered in pointless circles, fuming.

Did you really expect them to believe you?

Yes!

Well, they might have if you didn't lose your temper.

I didn't lose-

The Old Jesus never lost his temper.

There's was another Jesus?!

Watch where you're going, He told himself, changing the subject.

Ron looked down and nearly fell over. He was standing on the lake! On the lake! This would prove he was Jesus for sure!

He quickly turned around, looking for anyone he could use as a witness. There was no one.

"Damn it!" he swore in frustration. A bubbling sound erupted behind him and he turned in time to see the Giant Squid's body float to the surface of the lake and burst into flames.

Note to self: avoid use of the phrase 'damn it.'

Chapter the Fourth

When Ron returned to the common room, He had calmed down enough to start thinking about how that one cloud outside looked like a sheep-- Dean immediately hurried up to Him.

"For your Divine Holiness," he chuckled, pressing a book into Ron's hands. Laughter broke out in patches across the room. Ron looked down at the book He held. "Bible?" He didn't get it. He casually opened the book to a random page. It was just a lot of "haths" and "beths." He was about to close it when He spotted the word 'Jesus.' It was a book about Him! He scanned down a little further and another word caught His eye: 'crucified.' What was that supposed to mean?

The only person He could think to ask was Hermione. She was probably still annoyed, but she would never come between someone and knowledge.

"Hey, Hermione. What does 'crucified' mean?" Ron asked casually, as if nothing had happened.

"It means they nail your wrists and feet to a large wooden cross then leave you to suffocate slowly as your chest collapses, Ron," she answered harshly. Ron looked like he was going to be sick.