Disclaimer: I don't own The Rocky Horror Picture Show
A/N: This is random, crazy... and hopefully entertaining. It's supposed to be like a book written by fictional writer Cececarus, who is described below. If people like the idea I might write a new into.
There's some swearing because it's written by (literal) Space-Romans. I'm pretty sure at least Roman soldiers talked like RHPS callbacks. That is, their dialogue was peppered with naughty jokes and vulgar words. Though there's not much of that (at least in this chapter).
By the way, all the 'Roman History' stuff is pure fiction... as far as I know.
About the Author: Gaius Cececatus Felix was born the 10th of Patricianus 1831 (Transylvanian-Reckoning). That's around 1950 in Earth-Years. Though from an upper-class political family, Gaius Cececatus Felix spent his childhood quietly reading dull books. He became interested in the recording of modern history when his friends took him to a party where he saw the crown prince looking very silly whilst intoxicated. Because of this Cececatus became fascinated with what the royal family did besides be important and wear stylish fishnets. So he began a career as researcher of history.
His works include the History of Transylvania series, Old Religion and Myths of Transylvania, and What We Learned From the Denton Affair (a commentary on modern-day Earth's stupidity). His favorite pastimes are hosting decadent dinner parties (like every Transylvanian with money), writing things, and singing rather badly. Cececatus currently lives on a desolate rock orbiting Transsexual, having been banished for laughing at the Queen's haircut.
On the far away planet Earth a legion (called IX Hispana) of the planet's greatest army came across a strange metal ship that had fallen from the stars. The year was -1 (in our reckoning) and the season summer. A boiling hot, mind-numbingly dull summer. These soldiers were supposed to be guarding the edge of the world from whatever terrible things were there. Though their technology was superior and their military-based society better working than enemies. Rome – as it was called – was a glorious place indeed. They ruled their world already… so the soldiers were very bored. Another world past this dull place is what the needed. These people were those who conquered the lesser. Nobody could ever equal them. Indeed, after the painful fall, no Earthling society had the same level of technology for at least ten thousand of our years.
So it was lucky they'd found was an abandoned starship. Some beastly aliens had miscalculated and crashed in the middle of a field near their current camp. Since the soldiers had little else to do a small group of them – headed by Marcus Brianillus – investigated the crash site. With ease they killed the aliens, who hardly fought back due to being rather worn-out from the crashing and all. They won this fight with honor. And much coolness. These were some really badass fighters.
At the end of the skirmish they were left with a few snake-like alien corpses and a smashed-up ship. The former was good, the latter not so.
One soldier called Aldricus pointed out that it couldn't be too hard to fix the ship. Soon enough the least busy soldiers began fixing up this ship from the skies. The Gods' gift to them, as they saw it. It was a sign for them to explore and conquer the heavens as they'd conquered Terra. To avoid being told off, or otherwise punished, they mentioned the project to nobody who wasn't of the IX. If others knew of it surely they'd be pissed off. They wouldn't understand. This would be considered deserting by those who wouldn't listen. But it wasn't meant to be deserting. No, just another way to gain more glory for Rome and its sort of evil government!
Even a few women were involved in this. It being something of a conspiracy that was only natural. Servillia, Aurelia, and Quintillius Patricia were those whose names have remained in our records. There were more than those three… people just don't think they're worth remembering for some reason. Though they played a very important role later on. Females can give birth and are crucial for such things like creation of future generations. Anyway, these fine young men would've gotten rather bored without any attractive young women around. Though some of the men were nice looking too. Especially the centurion Marcus Brianillus, some say.
Soon enough the starship they'd been rebuilding was complete. It was time to leave Earth and go explore the stars.
They chose a full-mooned night in the Earth-month June (about when our month Terrianus is) to leave. The skies were very clear, which was a good omen. There also had been a nest of hawks near the site of their ship's rebuilding. Since all three baby hawks had survived to become adults it is thought by many that the Gods were trying to tell the soldiers that the soldiers too would survive their flight into. Since they all knew this adventure would be successful none of them worried about anything. Indeed, they even made the mistake of talking about it in front of those who weren't supposed to know…
On the night they'd planned their departure for all went as planned. All the women and their illegitimate children (plus a few born in wedlock) got into the ship first. As the men were climbing in things went wrong. You see, somebody had suspected the IX of attempting to desert all at once. Perhaps to fight Rome! That was far from the truth – but, alas, an easy assumption to make.
A fight broke out. Roman against Roman, terribly enough! All seemed to be lost as these fine men hacked away at each other with shiny-sharp blades. Limbs and gory-bits were strewn everywhere like some sort of shitty pulp horror story. It was a good man's nightmare and a decadent king's dream.
Finally, a woman called Quintillius Patricia had enough of watching helplessly. With her boyfriend's sword in her hand she became part of the fight. Since she knew nothing of war she didn't follow the strict training of the men. Her failure at 'proper' fighting caused enough distraction and chaos that the remaining men of the IX managed to flee to the ship. They then left in a hurry.
Quintillius Patricia sacrificed herself for the common good. That is Roman – and Transylvanian – honor at its finest. We have the month 'Patricianus' because of this woman. It originally replaced Maius, her birth-month, though now the calendar is now so fucked up thanks to mathematics failures and Transsexual's strange orbit that it's probably around Earth's midwinter!
Anyway… our ancestors had left Earth and began the journey to the galaxy we now call our own.
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