Summary: Bucky is literally too old for this crap. (AKA, the one where everyone on the team but Bucky is de-aged, and he has to take care of them, to horrifying - and hilarious - results.)
Pairing: Tony/Bucky, but not heavily.
Warnings: For language. Also, not really canon-compliant since it completely ignores CA:CW.
AN: From this prompt/request on tumblr:
"Hi! i just binge-read like all of your winter iron stuff, and while I loved them, i especially loved your kid-fics, like the one where tony and Bucky are dads and the one were Bucky gets shrunk and attaches to Tony. Do you think you could do one where the reverse happens, and Tony and maybe everyone but Bucky shrinks, and Bucky has to take care of them but he's really overwhelmed and tiny Tony makes it better cuz he imprints on Bucky like Bucky did?"
~Winter's Children~
"No, nuh-uh, don't you dare hang up on - Fury? Fury?!" Bucky yelled futily into the phone. Fury, having disconnected the call, did not of course answer.
Snarling, Bucky very nearly threw his phone into the wall, but a tiny tug on his pant leg - as well as a gurgle from the infant in his arms - made him think better of it.
Taking a deep breath, Bucky adjusted his hold on baby Steve, then addressed the child who was still tugging on his leg. "Yes, Tony?" he asked, doing his best to keep his frustration out of his voice.
Tony - who couldn't have been more than four or five - fidgeted nervously, then raised his arms. "Hug?" he offered shyly, eyes wide and hopeful.
Bucky bit his lip - the sight of his boyfriend's tiny self offering him a hug making him want to cry a little - then crouched down to Tony's level. "You want a hug?" he asked, carefully rearranging Steve when the baby started to pitch sideways.
Tony shook his head, eyes going impossibly wider. "N-no… I th-thought… maybe you want a hug?" he asked, looking unsure of himself. "Hugs are nice when you're up-upset. Do you not want…?"
It was too much. Barely choking down the 'aww' that wanted to escape his throat, Bucky wrapped his free arm around Tony and hugged him close.
"No, sweetheart. I'll always want hugs from you," Bucky assured, kissing the top of Tony's head, and then Steve's for good measure.
Tony beamed up at him in delight, then wrapped his little arms around Bucky's neck and kissed the side of Steve's head, too.
Steve gurgled happily and tapped Tony's face, giving him a gummy little grin.
Bucky sighed, the tension that had been building since that damn baby bomb had gone off draining from his shoulders.
Okay, maybe this wasn't so bad. He could do this. He could totally -
Another little hand tapped his back. Bucky turned around as best he could while crouched down and holding both Tony and Steve, and found Sam staring back at him.
"Bruce pooped," Sam said, his tiny nose wrinkled. "And Thor's trying ta put Natasha into the dishwasher."
Bucky was going to kill Fury.
"Sam, Sam come on, your mashed potatoes aren't that lumpy. I swear they'll taste the same. Look, Thor's eating them! And Rhodey, too, he - Clint, put that spoon down, right now, or so help me, I will -"
On cue, a lump of mashed potatoes went flying across the table, hitting Bruce right in the face and sending him into hysterics.
"Dammit," Bucky swore, carefully putting Natasha down in her highchair so he could scoop up Bruce.
"You said a bad word. You gots to put a dollar in the jar now," Sam said matter-of-factly, crossing his arms and ignoring his imperfect (and therefore icky) plate of potatoes.
Bucky turned to glare at him. "I'll put a damn fifty in it if it will shut you the fuck up," he told him, immediately regretting it when several pairs of young, wide eyes turned to him in delight. "Oh, hell, I meant -"
"Fuck!" Clint cried joyously, throwing his spoon at Thor.
"Fuck!" Thor shouted back, picking up a wad of potatoes with his bare hands and then chucking it at Clint.
Soon there was a chorus of tiny children chanting 'fuck, fuck!' while they pelted mashed potatoes at each other, ignoring Bucky's shouts for them to stop and the babies' screaming.
"This is punishment," Bucky told Bruce, who'd mostly stopped crying and was now blinking up at Bucky in apparent fascination. "This is karma for telling Clint I wouldn't babysit his kids last month. Or for makin' fun of the team when they went gaga over those baby videos Nat was showin' us online."
When they all turned back, Bucky was going to hunt down the SHIELD scientists who'd made that stupid 'youth bomb' or 'ray' or whatever the hell they'd called it and he was going to fucking end them.
Unless they were the parents of difficult, willful toddlers. Then they could live, because Bucky could think of no better punishment.
"Fug," Bruce whispered back, the first word Bucky had ever heard baby-him speak.
Bucky very nearly started crying.
"Bucky?" a tiny voice whispered from under the table.
Bucky and Bruce both turned their heads and found Tony blinking owlishly at them, an upturned plate of potatoes on his head.
"I found a dollar for your jar," he said, holding up a crumpled bill in his tiny fist.
A smile tugged at Bucky's lips. "How 'bout another hug instead?" he asked, holding his arm out.
Tony nodded and scooted forward eagerly, only to freeze and then backtrack when Bruce chose that moment to throw up all over Bucky.
Two hours, four baths, six changes of clothes, and three diapers later, Bucky stood before the blanket fort he had created and tried to look firm and menacing while the two babies he was holding (Natasha and Steve) pulled at his hair.
"Okay, it is bedtime, and this is where you are going to sleep," he announced, gesturing to the fort as best he could with his hands full of wiggling baby. "There will be no fighting, no arguing, and, most of all, no throwing things, Clint. Do you all understand?"
To his surprise, he got a bunch of sleepy nods instead of the protests and whining he'd been expecting, and sent up a prayer of thanks to whatever gods (possibly Thor's parents) that were listening.
While the bigger kids settled themselves into the fort, Bucky got the babies settled in their makeshift cots, then crashed onto the couch he'd scooted up next to the fort so he could easily keep an eye on the kids (and catch any escapees).
He'd barely laid his head down, though, before he felt one of the cushions dip, and then tiny little limbs were digging into his sides as their owner started climbing the couch.
Bucky grunted and twisted just as the little person got precariously close to wedging their elbow into Bucky's family jewels, not at all surprised when he scooped up said little person and found himself with a lapful of tiny Tony. The kid had been his shadow for the better part of the day, following him around, helping with the babies, and being generally clingy but also helpful and oddly sweet.
Bucky didn't know if it was residual affection from big Tony bleeding through, or if little Tony was just that starved for attention, but either way it was cute and, if Bucky were being honest, rather soothing on Bucky's frayed nerves.
"What's wrong, darlin'? Were all the good spots taken?" Bucky asked, lightly jostling the little boy in hopes of getting a giggle.
Tony shook his head and looked down at his lap shyly. "Can I sleep up here with you?" he mumbled, lower lip wiggling.
It was on the tip of Bucky's tongue to say no, because all it would take was one kid seeing them and then the couch would be full of children refusing to sleep alone, but one look at those pleading little brown eyes, and Bucky couldn't resist.
"Sure thing, sweetheart," Bucky said, leaning back and tucking Tony under his chin. "Just be careful of my left shoulder, okay? Don't want you clonking your head."
Tony nodded and sighed happily, snuggling up against Bucky's chest.
"Much better than a Bucky Bear," he said sleepily, fisting his hand into the fabric of Bucky's shirt.
Bucky chuckled and ran his hand up and down Tony's back, deciding that he was never going to let Tony forget this.
There was considerably more weight on Bucky's chest when he woke up, and when he opened his eyes it was to find Tony's fully-grown, bearded face drooling all over Bucky's shoulder.
Bucky huffed and wiggled until he could lift his head up and look around, sighing in relief when he was greeted by the sight of his unconscious - and grown - teammates lying where babies and toddlers were just a few hours ago.
The blanket fort had collapsed at some point in the middle of the night, and now there were several full-grown, naked superheroes cuddled together in its tattered remains. The babies' cots had all fallen in and broken under the adults' weight, and Bucky could see Steve's bare legs sticking out of what was left of his cot.
"Oh thank God," Bucky groaned softly, letting his head thunk back against the couch cushions and inadvertently startling Tony awake.
"Wha-uh, huh?' Tony snorted drowsily, hiccuping once and then focusing his bleary gaze on Bucky.
Bucky grinned down at him. "Mornin', darlin'," he drawled, hooking his right hand behind his head and running his left up Tony's back.
Tony squinted at him. "'ucky? Wha're we doin' on tha… couch?" he asked, shaking his head sluggishly. "And why am I the only one naked?" he added once he was a little more awake and less disoriented, frowning down at Bucky's clothed chest.
"You're really not," Bucky replied, pointing to the pile of naked people on the floor. Clint was spooning Thor, and they were both using Sam as a pillow. Still not over the mashed potato incident, Bucky pulled out his phone and snapped a picture.
"Oookay…" Tony said slowly as he took in the scene, brow furrowed. "I - what?"
Bucky huffed. "You're adorable, four-year-old superheroes are assholes, Rhodey ate a Lego, and I might possibly never have children."
At Tony's blank look, Bucky shrugged and kissed his forehead. "I'll explain later. Right now, though…" He shifted and gently nudged at Tony until they were both sitting up. "I have some heads to crack at SHIELD. Think you can keep an eye on this motley bunch until I get back?"
Tony blinked in confusion but nodded, yanking the blanket Bucky had tucked around them higher up on his shoulders. "I… guess. But wait - why did Rhodey eat a Lego?"
Bucky shrugged and scooped up his boots. "Because Sam dared him to, and Thor had a monopoly on all the crayons," he replied as he stepped around Rhodey and made his way towards the door.
Tony wrinkled his nose and watched him go, then glanced around the room again.
"What the hell kind of party did we have?"
Bucky stared in horror at the SHIELD agent in front of him, who seemed dangerously close to tears as he babbled something about procedure and safety protocols, and rocked the eyepatch-wearing, angriest-looking baby Bucky had ever seen in his arms.
"Oh, hell no."