Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any thing else I decide to randomly throw in that has already been invented.

*Remember this is a parody made to tickle you funnybone! Teehee. IT IS NOT SERIOUS, SIRIUSLY! Ha. Okay, well, enjoy!

It all started on a lovely Monday evening at Hogwarts in 1976.

The hallway was clearly empty, then voices filled the quiet room and people began emerging from classrooms. One of them was James Potter, who came skipping down the hall, faintly singing...

"His lips are dry, her heart is gently pounding, don't chu just knooowww exactly what they're thinking! If ya want my body and you-''

He was interrupted by a loud voice standing down the hallway.

"HEY PRONGEY!"

There stood Sirius Black. He was smiling and his eyes were bloodshot. In his hand he clutched what appeared to be a bag of mushrooms.

He ran up to James with the speed of a rabbit. "HEY BROTHA! GUESS WHAT I JUST DID!" he yelled. James cringed at his yelling. Sirius held up the bag of mushrooms. "I GOT LOST SO I WENT TO THAT ROOM OUTSIDE WITH ALL THE PLANTS AND I FOUND A STASH OF THESE! THEY ARE DELISH SHIT, MATE! I'M GOING TO MAKE SOME SPAGGHETTI WITH THEM WITH MY DATE WITH TWIMMY!"

"Isn't Twimmy a house elf?" said a voice from behind them. Both Sirius and James turned around to face Remus Lupin, who had chocolate smeared all over his mouth and was eating a Wonka bar.

"YEAH, IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH INTER-SPECIES RELATIONSHIPS?" Sirius yelled, spitting Lupin in the face with loogies.

"No, it's just that I thought you hated-"

"YOU THOUGHT WRONG, YOU RACIST, YOU!" Sirius screamed.

"But last week you went into the kitchens and made house-elf pie, remember?" said Peter Pettigrew, who had magically appeared and was not wearing any clothes for some reason.

"I WAS HUNGRY!" Sirius yelled some more, and smacked Peter in the face with his bag of mushrooms. Peter fell over and was too scared to do anything, so he ran away crying.

"Serves him right," said James. Sirius nodded in approval.

"What in the name of Merlin is GOING ON!" said the stern voice of Mcgonaglle from behind them. The three remaining Marauders turned around and casually said hello.

Mcgonaglle looked uncannily like a hawk as she said angrily, "What makes you think you can be in this hall making so much racket?"

"FUCK YOU!" yelled James and thrashing his wand, blew her out the window. The glass all around shattered and there was a thump where she must have hit the ground.

Remus gasped. "You just attacked a teacher!" he exclaimed in horror.

James shrugged. "Want to go to the common room?"

All heads nodded in agreement and they all began to race each other up the hallway to the Gryffindor common room. About halfway there, James stooped in his tracks; like a deer in headlights.

There was Lily Evans, in James's opinion the most beautiful girl in the world. She had pigtails today and was walking with her friend Mary Macdonald. Mary was a hippie and didn't shave her legs. But it was okay because her leg hair was blonde.

James immediately ran up her. Mary did a peace sign and Lily looked disgusted. "What do you want, James?"

"I want to marry you Lily!" cried James in joy and pulled out a black box and got on one knee. "Will you?"

Lily's jaw dropped.

"IT'S A YES, ISN'T IT?" James exclaimed.

Lily's face went bright red. "IT'S NOT A FUCKING YES, WE'RE FIFTEEN AND I HATE YOU! YOU ARE COMPLETELY INSANE AND NEED HELP!"

With that, she stormed off. "Better try next time, dude," said Mary, who then followed Lily.

James began to weep. Why does Lily reject me every time I propose? He thought. Am I not the most perfect thing on this earth? Why does she not want me? He just didn't understand. If Sirius could get any girl in the school, why couldn't he get Lily? James sat in a puddle of water from his tears, wondering how Sirius did it. He glanced over his shoulder at Sirius, who was picking up girls at the doorway of a classroom.

Sirius was talking to a whorish girl named Daisy. James thought she was a hooker disguised as a wizard until he found out she was his cousin. James could hear Sirius saying to her:

"Did you just fart? Because you just blew me away!"

Which prompted Daisy to eat Sirius's face before Sirius slapped her away. "THAT'S THE LAST TIME BITCH, MY EARS ARE SENSITIVE!" he screamed and she ran away crying, like Peter.

James got up from his puddle of misery and went over to Sirius, asking "How the fiddlesticks do you get all those bitches, Padfoot?"

"I am naturally a good humper," He said, nonchalantly.

"Not that!" said James, who was struggling not to think about Sirius humping. He had seen it many times, when Sirius was in dog form that's all he did. He went around humping different legs of different strangers. AND IT WAS LEGAL TOO!

"Oh," said Sirius in surprise. "Well... I have another secret."

...

"Well, tell me!" James demanded angrily.

Sirius didn't answer.

"Tell me NOW!"

No answer.

"TELL ME BITCH!"

"No."

"YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" shrieked James.

"Okay," said Sirius in a grave tone. "Follow me."

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