Warnings: a tad of randomness, just a little OOCness, and inexplicably, several phone calls at Hogwarts. Brave these terrifying things at your peril. I own nothing, but I have eaten a vomit-flavoured Bertie Bott's bean. Of all the many Potterverse things I might have experienced, it had to be that. Sigh.
"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!" the phone rang.
Hermione gasped. Ron jumped.
"PHONE!" called Harry, who was curled up on the floor.
"Yeah thanks, Harry," snapped Hermione.
"Quick, let's creep towards the phone!" Harry suggested happily.
The trio crept towards the phone. Ron trod on Hermione's feet ("As usual," she had grimaced).
"Hang on a minute… there are no phones at Hogwarts! Phones don't even work at Hogwarts! What's going on here?" asked Hermione.
"SHHHHHHHHH!" Harry bellowed. "WE NEED ABSOLUTE SILENCE OVER HERE! SHUT UP!"
He stretched a shaking finger experimentally towards the phone. His hand inched closer and closer…
"HARRY!" Ron and Hermione complained together.
Harry lifted the receiver. "Heh–heh–heh–hello?" he whispered.
"Tell me all of your sssecretssss!" whispered a voice.
"Oh. Is this Voldemort?" Harry asked impatiently, losing all traces of fear. "I thought I told you to stop calling here!"
"Yo, Harry! Tell Voldie ma homie I say, 'Yo'!" boomed Aunt Marge.
All stared at Aunt Marge, who had been sitting in the corner curiously the entire time.
"Clearly the memory modification took a slight toll on her," Hermione mused.
"Thisssssssssss isssssssss not Voldemort," said the voice after a perplexed moment.
"Then who is it?" Harry asked, wrenching his gaze from Aunt Marge.
"Thissssssssss is -"
SLAM.
Harry had hung up the phone.
"What?" he asked as his friends stared at him.
Ron opened his mouth angrily, but before he could say anything Harry burst forth: "I have an idea! Let's have a séance to find out who called us!"
Ron frowned and Hermione tsked. "Ummmm…" muttered Ron, "We were actually…"
"We have to go play our violins. We have a concert coming up," intervened quick-but-dim thinking Hermione.
"Oh, I see," Harry said airily. "Well, good luck with the practicing."
Once the sidekicks had gone off to who-knows-where, Harry stood. He glanced over at Aunt Marge, who glanced back.
"Well, I must be off." Harry told her in an ultimate business-like tone. "Ta ta."
"Bounce!" Aunt Marge agreed.
It was then that Harry decided to find someone to conduct a séance with. He wandered through the corridors, hoping to meet someone he knew… or recognized… Harry suddenly realized that he ignored most of the Hogwarts population.
Finally, he ran into Lavender and Neville. "Hi! I was looking for someone to – hey… why are you two together? Oh never mind, listen to this great idea I had." Harry went on to explain the strange phone call as Lavender and Neville slipped each other quite an odd sideways glance.
Eventually, Neville and Lavender agreeably ventured deep within the dungeons. Harry maintained that they needed a very creepy space to carry out a séance.
Harry set up for five minutes as Neville and Lavender watched. When Harry finally stepped back from his creation in triumph, Neville stared at him.
"Er – Harry, I don't think this'll work," he said feebly.
"Don't be silly, it's perfect!" exclaimed Harry.
Harry's brilliant séance creation consisted of three squat candles (all multi-coloured), a picnic blanket, a picture of a phone and a banana.
Reluctantly, Neville and Lavender sat down on the picnic blanket with Harry. The three of then joined hands and chanted, "Another one bites the dust. Another one bites the dust."
Nothing happened. Which was inevitable.
Harry seemed puzzled for a moment, and then burst out, "Hey, Ron and Hermione don't have violins!"
"Potter!" came a sharp, dangerous voice.
"Snape!" Harry replied, equally sharp but slightly gurgled.
"What are you doing in my dungeons? Is that a séance? Are you insane? Explain yourself!" Snape commanded.
"Well, you see," began Harry intelligently, but then there was only silence.
"No, Potter, I fail to 'see'," Snape muttered dangerously.
Just then, Ron and Hermione came running in. "We've got some great news!" gasped Hermione.
"Yeah, Harry, you've been drugged. Malfoy stuck some happy pills in your pumpkin juice at lunch. Neville, Trevor turned into a prince and Eloise Midgen's going out with him. Lavender, Seamus dumped you, he asked us to tell you, and Snape, Dumbledore spilled coffee all over your flowered apron." Ron said.
Snape burst into angry tears.
"I thought you said you had good news!" Harry exclaimed.
"We do! Hermione just switched to Geico and saved fifteen percent or more on car insurance," Ron said happily. Hermione beamed.