Midorima woke up one warm Sunday morning during the summer holidays and found himself sitting at the edge of the bed looking through the window, watching the trees swaying in the breeze. Midorima closed his eyes and he imagined himself out there feeling the refreshing breeze as it blew in his face.
Midorima had a harsh snap back to reality when he heard his phone ringing on the bedside table. Reaching over to grab his phone with his taped left hand, Midorima stared at the screen when the caller ID identified the caller as none other than Takao himself.
Sighing, Midorima answered the call but before he could mutter 'hello', a loud voice on the other side had already begun to converse with a high-pitched shriek of "Shin-chan!"
"Yes, Takao?" Midorima replied as he remained sitting there at the edge of his bed.
"Shin-chan, are you free today?" Takao questioned in an overly enthusiastic tone, which made Midorima imagine Takao as a puffy-cheeked kid rolling over in his bed at the moment as they spoke over the phone.
Midorima pondered for a moment before answering Takao, "Yeah, kind of. I have no plans for today."
On the other end of the phone, Takao squealed like a fan girl finally getting to meet her favorite idol. "This is so awesome, Shin-chan! We'll go out, okay? We're going to have so much fun. I'll come over to your house in an hour. See you." With that, Takao hung up even before Midorima could even give his reply.
Placing his phone back on the bedside table, Midorima couldn't help but divert his gaze towards the framed photo standing there on the bedside table; a picture of him and Akashi when they were together. One of the few pictures in which Midorima was actually smiling. Most people were even surprised that Midorima would be the type of person who kept pictures as he seemed like a person who never really valued companionship that much.
Even though most people threw away all the things that remind them of their exes after a relationship had ended, Midorima couldn't do the same. Everything that Akashi had given him, everything that reminded him of Akashi, every single little thing.
Midorima himself didn't know why.
That same Sunday morning somewhere in Kyoto, Akashi too found himself staring longingly at the view from his window wishing he was out there. He could if he wanted but something was holding him back, a familiar pain in his chest, which had returned after so long. However, Akashi didn't wish to acknowledge it, therefore, he dismissed the feeling. It wasn't his character to do so after all but feeling that way, Akashi wonder how much he changed and how much he hid his true self from people.
Standing up and heading to the washroom, Akashi found himself face to face with his reflection and his pair of mismatched eyes staring back at him. Akashi was horrified at his own reflection. That wasn't him. Akashi would never stoop down so low to even feel that way but the reality was that he did and Akashi hated that person for making him feel this way.
Akashi ignored his own reflection and bent down to turn on the tap where the sound of the water flowing from the faucet distracted him for a while. Rolling his pajama sleeves all the way to his elbows so he wouldn't get it wet, Akashi couldn't help but stare at the scars on his left arm. All those scars of where bloody and painful cuts once were. Those wounds never seemed to hurt when the knife that cut through across the flesh inflicted them. Akashi wondered why it would hurt of all times but now. Why now?
Akashi felt his knees go weak as he slumped onto the cool tiled floor of the washroom. This wasn't him. This wasn't Akashi Seijuro. Akashi shook his head refusing to acknowledge the surge of feelings coming to him at the moment. Drawing his legs to chest as he remained on the washroom floor, Akashi cursed and lamented himself. He was no longer the person he used to be. And all this was the fault of one tall green haired bespectacled ex-lover by the name of Midorima Shintarou.
Yes, it's all Shintarou's fault.
The last bell of the school day rung at Teikou and all the students were busy packing their bags all ready to head home. Slowly, the number of people in the school decreased and by an hour after the bell rang, the school was pretty much deserted especially since it was Friday and everyone was eager to get home and unwind after a long week.
Midorima was still in his class sitting in his seat by the window. He purposely left the windows open so the wind could blow through. The curtains dancing together with the wind just added a dramatic effect to it, together with the lapping noises they made sounded kind of similar to waves hitting the shore of a beach.
"Shintarou," Midorima heard his name being called and diverted his attention to the redheaded boy standing at the doorway of his class.
"Akashi," Midorima instantly blurted out as he stood up when noticing Akashi.
There was that certain flair to Akashi that if he entered a room, everyone had to acknowledge his presence and Midorima was no exception.
Akashi smiled sheepishly while still standing at the doorway. "You're not going to make me walk over there for you, are you?"
"I'm sorry," Midorima apologized, his head bowed once before he steadily walked over to meet Akashi.
Arriving to where Akashi was by the doorway, Midorima bent his head over to meet Akashi's gaze due to the significant nearly 9 inches difference in stature. Midorima clearly knew Akashi hated having to "look up" to a person as the other "looked down" upon him. But there was no helping that in this situation. Surprisingly, Akashi was willing to overlook that fact because he knew that even though Midorima had to "look down" upon him; Midorima was still his to dominate in every single other aspect. That fact alone was enough to please Akashi.
"Show me your hands," Akashi ordered.
Midorima nodded and without hesitation, he had both of his palms face up and handed to Akashi.
Akashi placed his palms on top of Midorima's. Midorima's hands were cold and Akashi's were warm. The contrast created a soothing sensation on their skins when their hands touched.
"Did you do as I told you to?" Akashi asked as he returned his gaze to meet Midorima's green eyes beneath the glasses worn by the taller of the two.
"Yes, I have," Midorima muttered under his breath lightly, eyes fixed on his and Akashi's connected palms.
"Good. Show it to me then," Akashi ordered with a swinging tone in his voice.
Pulling his hands away from Akashi, Midorima unbuttoned his white school blazer before placing it on a nearby table. Then, Midorima worked his hands to undo the cuff on the left sleeve of his blue dress shirt. When he was done, Midorima pulled up his left sleeve all the way up to his elbow, revealing his arm. All was done under Akashi's attentive eyes.
Midorima revealed a plastered wound on his left arm just inches above the wrist line in. Blood already began to seep through the fabric material of the plaster and it was very visible at that moment.
As soon as Akashi laid his eyes at the wound on Midorima's arm, a grin formed on the redhead's face.
"Does it hurt?" Akashi asked as he placed a thumb on Midorima's covered wound.
Midorima shook his head in response.
Akashi smiled as he moved his thumb around in circles, it was gentle on Midorima's fresh wound. It went unexpectedly to Midorima when Akashi pressed his nail down hard onto the wound causing him to flinch and slightly gasp at the sudden rush of pain.
"Oh poor you. Does it hurt now?" Akashi questioned while trying to sound sympathetic on top of his obvious sarcastic inquiry. Akashi liked it when it hurt Midorima. It was safe to say Midorima too enjoyed the pain. Both of them did.
A shared pain while in love always doesn't seem so painful. Until the love died that is, and the pain became too real.
At that moment, both of them started to question one another if love was as real as pain.
Midorima had agreed to go out with Takao that day and there they were in a fast food restaurant sitting at a table by the window. Takao was busy stuffing his mouth with French Fries that he did not notice Midorima lost in thought with his eyes fixed outside.
The past few days, Midorima often found himself thinking about Akashi and remembering the days when they were together. Midorima himself couldn't explain why but deep down, something felt wrong. Midorima had been going out with Takao for nearly a month now but somehow, Midorima always felt Akashi was watching him somewhere. He knew Akashi was full of detest at Midorima's newly found happiness.
"Shin-chan!" Takao loudly called out.
Midorima snapped from his thoughts upon hearing Takao's voice and turned back to face the other.
"What is it?" Midorima mumbled lazily.
"Shin-chan, what were you thinking of just now? You were so engrossed in your thoughts that you didn't even touch your food." Takao pouted.
"Ah, it's nothing," Midorima shrugged off. "My mind just strayed a little."
Extending his left arm to reach for the burger to please Takao, Midorima suddenly pulled his arm back and rested it on his lap when he felt a familiar pain returning to him. Midorima thought to himself that it wasn't real and that he was just imagining things. It was nearly a year ago. It was impossible for the wound to hurt now.
Midorima excused himself to the toilet and once he was there, he slammed the door shut so he could be alone. He turned on the tap to the fullest, the water streamed down fastest with the highest pressure; Midorima proceeded to unbutton his cuff and rolled his sleeve up to the elbow.
Staring at the faint scar where the wound was once, Midorima sighed in relief with both his hands gripping the sides of the sink bowl. For some reasons, Midorima felt as if the wound was as raw as the time when he sliced open his skin a year ago. Midorima was wrong. The wound wasn't the cause of the pain he felt just now. It was love and love was as real as pain.
"Shintarou, how do you know that love is actually real and that you really love me like you say you do?" Akashi asked as he held Midorima's left hand and pressed it to his own cheek.
Midorima found himself at loss for words due to Akashi's recent statement. "Well," Midorima gaped. "Pain. It's real, isn't it? We feel pain but it's hard to say that we can actually feel love. So, if we mixed pain and love together into one thing, then it's safe to say we can actually feel love. In that case, love is as real as the pain it's mixed with, isn't it?"
Akashi smiled as he shifted Midorima's hand to his lips and began to kiss the taped fingers one by one.
"Well, why don't we try out your idea and see if it works?" Akashi suggested between kisses, in the most seductive tone he could conjure.
Midorima simply nodded. He could never refuse Akashi's request and he himself too was eager to find out if their love was 'real.'
"Good. Today, when you come back home from school after practice; I want you to take out a knife, the sharpest one you have in the kitchen. Then, I want you to create a nice cut on your left arm with it. While you're doing so, I want you to think of me. I want you to imagine me in front of you, inflicting the pain you are going to feel. I also want you to mention my name while you're doing it. My real name," Akashi whispered into Midorima's ear before pulling away with a smile.
It was nearly noon and the heat in Kyoto during the summer was too intense for most people, causing swimming pools and air-conditioned outlets to be packed with people at the time. Akashi didn't seem to mind the heat in comparison to the throbbing pain he had been feeling since last night. He was sprawled on his bed, still in his pajamas with only the ceiling fan turned on. He refused to turn on the air conditioner even though the ceiling fan didn't do much to lower the heat.
Akashi's move from Tokyo to Kyoto after middle school bugged everyone's curiosity. At first, they assumed that Akashi simply moved to a school with a strong basketball team, but why he had to move that far further piqued everyone's curiosity further especially when they were schools with stronger teams which were much nearer. No one knew why except Akashi himself and Midorima. Akashi had moved all the way to Kyoto so he could be farthest from Midorima and hoped that it would help him ease the pain.
After suffering from an emotional breakdown on the washroom floor earlier in the morning, Akashi had picked himself up only to throw himself onto the bed where he spent the rest of the day in. And since then, Akashi had not gotten up.
Akashi rolled over to lie on his side as he decided to take a short nap. It didn't last long when Akashi woke up just about ten minutes later feeling as bad as ever. Akashi lied down in bed with a hand clutched to his chest. Taking a deep breath, Akashi launched himself off the bed and began rummaging through his drawers for something sharp. Something that would hurt. Something that would cause a new pain to subdue the current pain
Akashi stumbled upon a pair of scissors in the drawer and hastily took them out before shutting the drawer with a loud thud.
Akashi returned to his bed where he sat at the edge and tugged up the sleeve of his pajamas to reveal his scarred arm. Compared to Midorima, Akashi had more scars than Midorima did. All because Akashi had truly believed Midorima's words that he could finally feel love together with the pain.
And so, Akashi began his horrendous path of hurting himself trying to feel that love in between all the pain. Soon enough, Akashi could no longer differentiate between pleasure and pain. And eventually, the pain was all Akashi knew and pain became his comfort.
Akashi hid all those wounds under long sleeves or armbands when it came to basketball practice, and Akashi never told a single soul about his destructive habit. Midorima soon found out about it and no matter how hard Midorima tried, Akashi would not stop.
The more Akashi hurts himself, the more guilty Midorima felt for it was him who had started this. It came to Midorima that Akashi did this because he loved Midorima and wanted to feel that love. Midorima came up with an idea and although it would hurt the both of them, watching Akashi destroy himself by the minute was even more painful.
One breezy cool evening after practice, Midorima and Akashi were walking home together as usual. At the junction where they usually saw each other off before heading into their respective directions, Midorima turned to look at Akashi one last time before he said those words that changed Akashi.
"I don't love you anymore. Please, let's just stop this."
But Midorima was lying.
Akashi remembered those words as if Midorima had just said them yesterday. And that pain he felt that day, that pain never faded and moving halfway across the country wasn't going to change that. Akashi wasn't actually in the right state of mind and as Akashi gripped the scissors tightly in his right hand, he lifted the same hand high above his head before diving down to stab his left arm just above the scars where it all ended in a bloody mess and Akashi writhing in pain on his bed screaming out Midorima's name over and over.
"I love you, Shintarou."
"Shin-chan, what's wrong?" Takao asked as he stood behind Midorima hugging the other from the back. Burying his face in Midorima's back, Takao could hear Midorima's heart beast faster and his breathing becoming more erratic.
"It's nothing." Midorima shrugged it off.
After lunch, Takao had dragged Midorima to a recently opened amusement park despite the latter's reluctance to go. However, there was no winning with Takao, and Midorima simply went along albeit with half the enthusiasm and Takao's frequent comment of calling Midorima "tsundere".
It was already dark and they were walking back home together when Midorima abruptly stopped due to a sense of urgency despite not knowing what it clearly was. Seeing Midorima suddenly stopping in his tracks, Takao took of it as an advantage to cuddle up to Midorima even if it was from behind where he wasn't directly facing the face of his beloved one.
Midorima's swift turnaround made Takao lose his balance and he would have fallen over if it weren't for the green haired male catching him.
"Ah, Shin-chan! You saved me." Takao squealed immediately before hugging Midorima tightly from the front this time. Takao tightened the hug and buried his smiling face in Midorima's chest.
The rest of the way back home, Takao held Midorima's hand. Midorima didn't seem to mind this and even though he couldn't say he liked it, it didn't bother him so he simply went along. When they arrived at Midorima's house, they both said their goodnights with Takao kissing Midorima on the cheek before they went their separate ways.
"I'm home" Midorima announced to no one in particular as he quietly locked the door and kept his shoes on the wooden shoe rack by the door. Midorima's parents were away at a company dinner that night and his sister was having a sleepover with her friends. Midorima was pretty much alone.
Fishing for his phone from his back pocket, Midorima saw that he had numerous missed calls from about 3 to 4 hours ago. Apparently, Midorima had placed his phone on silent the entire time he was at the amusement park with Takao.
The number was an unfamiliar one but Midorima phoned back the caller nonetheless. Midorima figured that if the caller had attempted to call many times it was probably something important. The call was answered and once Midorima was done with the call, he couldn't help but slump down onto the floor with his back to the wall and his head hung low in despair.
"Why would you even do that?"
It was after school and taking place in Midorima's room that Akashi first felt the true meaning of pain and love together at the same time. After Akashi had seen the wound Midorima left on himself just like the redhead had ordered to, Akashi became more than eager to do the same but he wanted Midorima to be there and witness it.
Still wearing their school uniforms, Midorima was laid down on his bed with Akashi sitting on top of him straddling his long legs. Akashi placed his hands on each of Midorima's shoulder and looked down at the taller of the two as he smiled. As usual, Midorima wasn't one to display emotions but he did half smile just for Akashi's sake.
Akashi removed his blazer and threw it down onto the wooden floor of Midorima's bedroom before proceeding to undo his cuffs and rolling up his sleeve to reveal his arm. All the while, Akashi remained in eye contact with Midorima with the same smile still plastered on his face.
Akashi retrieved a penknife from the back pocket of his trousers and held it up with his right hand. Positioning the cool metal blade above the skin of the underside of his left arm, Akashi pressed it deeply into his skin where blood started to ooze out of the wound and the sensation of pain started to arrive.
Akashi's smile grew wider and he wasn't triggered the least bit by the blood. Akashi wasn't satisfied with what he had. He wanted a longer and larger cut like Midorima did; his was nothing but just a prick now. And what Akashi wanted, he got.
Once again, Akashi pressed down the blade of the penknife into the currently bleeding wound. But this time, with one swift motion, Akashi dragged the blade across in a linear motion where it cut through both skin and flesh leaving a trail of flowing blood behind. Akashi discarded the bloody penknife onto the floor where it landed beside his blazer.
The blood flowed out of the wound and trickled down Akashi's arm onto Midorima's white school blazer where the contrast made the blood stand out more. Midorima didn't mind his clothes getting dirty and Akashi certainly enjoyed the pain. It felt so good despite the pain and Akashi wondered if this truly was love.
Lifting his arm up to his face level, Akashi licked his wound clearing it from the blood temporarily before it started to bleed again.
"It's salty and tastes like metal." Akashi says as he licks his lips to taste more of his blood, before asking Midorima, "Shintarou, do you want to taste it?"
Midorima gulped before answering with a low, "Yes, I do".
Gently, Midorima puckered his lips and pressed them against the bleeding wound on Akashi's forearm, sucking on the blood and using his tongue to make sure none of it was oozing elsewhere but into his mouth.
Midorima lifted his head to look back into Akashi's eyes, "It tastes like what you said."
"It does indeed. I love you, Shintaro." Akashi smiles and ruffles Midorima's green locks.
In that moment, Midorima felt that he loved Akashi so much and so greatly.
As a matter of fact, Midorima still felt that way even now.
That was how and why Midorima found himself on a Shinkansen from Tokyo to Kyoto, spending his entire month's allowance on the pricey last-minute train fare. All that just to see Akashi after his former lover said the words that never failed to bring him to his knees and running off to him.
"Midorima, I need you"
Guided by Google maps and the address Akashi had texted him, Midorima took a bus to the nearest stop before arriving on the unfamiliar streets and knocking on the door where Akashi supposedly live.
Midorima knocked several times and waited outside the door in the darkness of the night, illuminated by the street lights, before Akashi opened the door and revealed himself standing there. Akashi was only half dressed in his shorts, his left arm messily bandaged up, and hair disheveled and looking very pale.
"Akashi!" Midorima exclaimed in surprise at the state Akashi was in.
Midorima made his way inside without even being formally invited or taking off his shoes. Midorima made Akashi to sit on the couch and tell him where his first aid kit was located. Akashi didn't say a word, pointing to a drawer with his uninjured arm.
Midorima wanted to be a doctor, and although he wasn't even done with high school yet, he made sure that he got the basics down right. Thankfully, Akashi slipped with his hand and the scissors only left a deep cut on his arm, deep enough to expose the white flesh. If Akashi had managed to stab and lodge the scissors in, Midorima would have to persuade him to actually visit a doctor. Knowing Akashi, he would have stubbornly refused because he claimed to be at the top of his game, and Midorima would have sighed and said that being on top of the game does not mean your stab wounds will magically heal itself.
Midorima boiled some warm water to make tea while Akashi laid down in bed. Midorima was still in shock from seeing how much Akashi had regressed since then. It was a bit hard to believe that the Akashi everyone knew was now like this, a mess to be precise. Midorima found it harder to believe that he was this cause. Midorima never realized how much power he held over Akashi, and how hard Akashi had fallen since Midorima chose to let go.
Midorima turned the boiler off and poured the hot water into two mugs he had set aside with tea bags. While waiting for the few minutes it took to simmer the tea, Midorima walked into Akashi's room to check up on him.
Akashi was lying down with his eyes closed, but not asleep as of yet. Midorima did not know this and assumed he was fast asleep. Careful to not wake Akashi up from the shift of weight on the bed, Midorima sat down gently and slowly on the mattress beside his former lover.
Midorima lifted his hand instinctively, feeling the habitual need to run his hand through Akashi's hair as he slept. It only took a second for Midorima to realize that they were no longer in a relationship and that he had Takao now. It wouldn't be fair for all of them.
Akashi opened his eyes the moment Midorima retracted his hand. "Are you staying over tonight?"
"I already missed the last train back to Tokyo. I'll find a place to sleep and I'll return tomorrow." Midorima answered, turning to look away from Akashi.
"You can spend the night here if you want to," Akashi noted, sitting up on the bed.
"That wouldn't be right. I'm sorry but I have to leave after this." Midorima got up from the bed only to feel Akashi tugging on his arm, not allowing him to leave.
"Why not? Afraid your new boyfriend might ask and you don't want to tell him that you were spending the night at your ex's in a different city?"
Midorima glared back to Akashi in the darkness of the room, dimly lit by the outside lights that came in from the window. "You already know the answer, then why ask?"
"Because I still want you. I still love you, Shintaro."
"I thought I gave you a proper closure. What more could you want?" Midorima held himself back from telling Akashi the truth, which was that he still loved the redhead man so much.
"You know what I want." Akashi hung his head low, not letting go of Midorima's hand anytime soon.
"Then make sure you savor every bit of this as if it's your last because it will be between us both."
It was never this way or how their dynamics used to play out while they were still a thing. But this time, Midorima gave in to Akashi out of his own desire and selfishness. This would be the last they promised each other. There would be no more of this and Midorima justified the thought of cheating on Takao in that very moment.
This is not cheating.
Not certainly when Midorima and Akashi undressed each other, dumping their clothing's onto a pile on the floor. Not when Midorima laid Akashi down below him, careful not to move his injured arm around too much and gently spread Akashi's legs apart. Also not when Midorima removed the tapes that bound his fingers, did he feel like it was wrong. Midorima was just reluctant.
Midorima was in so much denial that he was simply doing a favor, even with two or three fingers knuckle deep in Akashi's ass. It was as clear as day that the name Akashi moaned and cried out for belonged to Midorima. The name fell from his lips even louder when Midorima twisted his wrist, sending shudders of pleasure coursing through Akashi's body.
Akashi had the habit to clench himself up when bottoming and he was still ever the same doing that. Midorima stroked Akashi's inner thigh with his free hand, coaxing him to relax and loosen up. It was easier that way for Midorima to add another finger in, sending Akashi screaming his name. Now that was something that did not happen often, even while they were together.
There was no condom but fuck it they thought. Midorima penetrated Akashi raw and bare in missionary position, a pillow below Akashi to elevate his body upwards. Midorima thought of Takao but didn't feel like he was doing anything wrong, even when his hands firmly grabbed onto Akashi's hips to pound into him. Akashi clawed onto Midorima's back, literally clinging to his shoulders as he was being fucked. Midorima would just have to avoid being shirtless around Takao for a while.
Midorima growled and came into Akashi, spilling his seed into the warm cavern as if Akashi was even his to claim. Midorima later helped Akashi get off, stroking his erection with warm hands until Akashi too came to his climax, quivering and shaking from the pleasure- the one that Midorima gave him.
Midorima shouldn't have, but he bent forwards to kiss Akashi on the lips and that was when he felt a glimmer of guilt towards what he had done. Midorima knew it was too late anyway, and asking for forgiveness would be easier.
Akashi saw Midorima off the next morning. No goodbyes or farewells were mentioned, except Midorima asking Akashi to take care of himself. Everything between them had ended and it will stay that way. Midorima did not turn back and Akashi resolved that he wouldn't expect it either.
Arriving back at his home in Tokyo, Midorima saw that Takao was already leaning against the fence before waving and running up to him.
"Shin-chan", Takao cooed in a singing tune, clinging onto Midorima's arm. "Where were you last night?"
"I was visiting a sick friend in another town." Midorima didn't lie but also refrained from telling the full story.
"Oh, I hope he's better now."
"He will be", Midorima smiled back at Takao, pushing some hair out of his current boyfriend's face. Takao was his present now and Midorima was now sure he wanted it to stay that way a little longer. However long it would be.