January 5th, 2012
In all of the years I have known him, I have never once seen him cry. I have never seen him show any emotion besides excitement, happiness, and rarely, confusion. At other times, he doesn't show emotion at all. He just sits there and thinks about something I will never know about. He isn't one for sharing thoughts or emotions. Come to think of it, I have never seen him angry either. He is always just a shell of himself. He is only excited when he gets a case, only happy when he finishes it, and only confused while solving it.
When he is between cases, the things he used to do to himself are staggering. He has never elaborated on his drug use. I don't know how he started, I don't know how he recovered, but I do know that he wishes he didn't. He knew it was bad for him but he is just bored now. Boredom will kill you.
Then there is his brother, the one who always spies on him and offers money to other people for information on what he is doing at all costs. I only met him twice and I wouldn't mind if those were the last two times. I don't dislike him; he is just a bit eerie. It is obvious, however, that he actually is just concerned about him. With his brother being a recovered cocaine addict, he has a good reason to be.
His arch enemy, whom I used to believe was his brother, constantly haunts us. I also used to believe people couldn't have arch enemies, but I was clearly wrong about that. I can still hear that maniac's voice in my head, telling me what to say to him, with that bomb on my chest. Who knew that psycho would actually be the one to save us? I don't suppose I need to go into detail about that. I am sure it is not the last we have seen of him.
I said before that I have never seen him cry, I am used to the Sherlock that I know. Yet today, I walked into the flat to find Sherlock asleep on the couch, his eyes red and puffy. The pillow his head was resting on was slightly damp near his eyes. What could be bothering my friend? I only want to know so I will know whether or not I can help him. What if I can't do anything? I only hope it is not what I am afraid of the most.
I love him as a friend. I would know if it was something more. I know it sounds horrible, but I will not let myself into a relationship I don't want to be in. If that is what Sherlock is upset about, I will have to move out and find my own flat. I know it would hurt him even more, but there is nothing I can do. I only want him as my friend, my flat mate, and myself as his doctor.
I am not good at deduction like he is. I will not be able to know what he is thinking unless I ask him or he approaches me. He doesn't like to talk to other people about his thoughts, so the latter is unlikely. I will have to start the conversation, but I have to be ready for the unexpected. I will just have to hope for the best. I do not want to stop sharing the flat with him, but I may have no choice.
Until next time,
Jane H. Watson.