Authors note: This is my first multi chapter fic and if you see any mistakes or have any advice please tell me thanks :). Also I don't own Castle of course I wish I did.
"Who are you?" Castle asks. My mother had sent me pictures of him and they just didn't do him justice. That and the fact that he was my mothers favorite author.
"She... She's... My mother." I mumble out with tears streaming down my face.
"JJ come here." Lanie says and I immediately run into her arms ignoring the confused stares of everyone else.
"She never told me. Did she tell you Javi? Kevin?"
"No." They said in unison the shock readable on both of their faces.
"Lanie why didn't you tell anyone?" Castle asks.
"Kate made me promise and this poor girls mother is in there with a bullet in her chest so you guy should stop pestering her."
"What's your name?" He asks me.
"Jessica Johanna. But everyone calls me JJ."
"Ok I just have one more question for you." He says receiving Lanie's death stare.
"How old are you?"
"14." I reply turning back into Lanie's arms to cry.
"It'll be alright your mom is strong." She keeps whispering in my ear until I fall asleep. When I wake up the doctor is talking to Lanie.
"Lanie what did he say." I say wiping the tears off my face once he leaves.
"She made it out of surgery and is stable but she's in a medically induced coma and she should wake up in a couple of days." She says the happiness written all over her face.
"Can I go see her though?" I asks giving her my best sad face which wasn't hard because I was extremely depressed.
"Yes but not for long then you are going to stay at my place until your mother wakes up and is able to go home."
"Alright." I say as she leads me to my mother's room. She's extremely pale but looks like she is just in a deep slumber. "Mom I know you sent me to that private boarding school to keep me safe but I really missed you and after this I don't know if you can make me go back. I need to be here to keep you safe. Bye mom love you." I say squeezing her hand trying not to cry in front of her. I just wanted to be strong for her. She is always strong brave tough and she's all I've ever wanted to be.
"Come on we will come back tomorrow."
"Alright can we get some dinner?"
"Yah anything."
"Can we get some chinese."
"You really are Kate's daughter." Lanie joked making me smile.
"Lanie can you be honest with me?"
"I'll try to be as honest as I possibly can." She says giving me a pity smile.
"Will my mom make a full recovery?"
"Well that depends on a multitude of things but your mom is the strongest person I know. I would like to believe she will make a full recovery and the hard part, her surgery is done. Now just for the grueling physical therapy she's going to need you to help her whether or not she wants to admit it."
"I will I don't think I want to go back to boarding school again I'm hoping I can convince her to let me stay and go to school here."
"You do know your mother was just trying to what was best for you she didn't want someone to come and kidnap you. God knows that would kill her. You were too young to remember but she drug herself down a hole with her mother's case if something happened to you she would do anything and everything to get your back she would never give up ever it would be twice as worse."
"I know but I'm old enough to take care of myself I know self-defense. She taught me how to pick a lock and what to do in different hostage situations."
"I know." She says with a real smile this time.
"You know what I'm not hungry I think when we get to your house I'm just going to go to bed and we can have a big breakfast." I say as we pull into her house. I lay my one bag down in Lanie's guest bedroom, and fall into bed.
When I wake up I see a note from Lanie saying "I was going to make you a nice breakfast but I have a body to go examine I'll stop by at noon and bring you to the station I think detectives Esposito and Ryan really want to meet you. Castle may or not be there. Thanks, Lanie." I look at the clock and its 10:30 so I have an hour and a half before Lanie comes back. I change into a pair of yoga pants and an over sized hoodie for comfort. I put my brown curly hair up in a ponytail. My mother always told me to wear it down. But she wasn't here just like she was never there for me I hate her for not being here now.
I grab the one thing that keeps me calm my knife. I make three cuts on my arm one because I hate myself. One because I hate my mother, and a third one for doing this to myself. I pour a little peroxide on my cuts then leave it. I didn't cut deep so I don't see the point in bandaging it up.
I sit on the couch and watch reruns of nebula nine my mothers high school obsession until Lanie gets home.
"Hey you ready to go meet the boys maybe you can give them some advice on the case we just got its a weird one."
"K." I say. When we arrive at the precinct its quiet when I walk through the door, everyone turns their heads to look at me like I'm a circus freak.
"Hey." I say when we reach my mother's desk. I run my fingers over her plaque detective Beckett.
"Hey we wanted to apologize for the way we acted at the hospital we were just taken by surprise. You mother never told us about you." Yah she never told anyone but Lanie about me I was a mistake a reminder of hard times so she sends me to boarding school, and I try to go anywhere but home on summer vacation.
"Yah she usually doesn't tell people." I say giving them a fake smile.
"Wonder why? You know you look just like her." Detective Esposito says.
"Thank you. So we're you there when my mother was shot?" I ask. Hey its better to get the hard questions out of the way first.
"Yah but the man you need to talk to is Castle if he hadn't pushed her when he did she wouldn't be alive now."
"Oh." I say. I make a mental note to thank him. Yah me and my mom aren't on the best ground but she still is my mother and she does try, but I just don't think she was ready to be a mother when she had me. I mean her mother had just been murdered I was a product of a one night drunken stand. But I was the reason she sobered up so I guess we work against and for each other.
"Why isn't he here?"
"I think its too much for him. Maybe I or Lanie or someone can take you to see him."
"I would really appreciate it." I say.
"Of course so what do you want us to call you?" He asks cautiously.
"Call me JJ everyone except my mother does." I reply quickly.
"Alright JJ so you wanna have a taste at what your mother does?" Detective Ryan asks.
"Why not." I reply.
"Alright so the murderer left the body in a lake tied her to bricks and sunk her body she was down there for three days."
"Well that shows that he didn't want to be reminded of what he did ever. I'd say he feels really guilty. How did she die?"
"A bullet to the back of the head." Esposito replies.
"So he didn't want her to suffer a quick shot. She may not of even seen it coming." I say. "Was she married or in a relationship?" I ask.
"Married the husband says he was home alone and he seemed extremely upset."
"Well if I were you I would check on his alibi because my gut says him." I say as Lanie brings ballistics up.
"Here you go." Lanie says disappearing back down to the morgue.
"The gun belongs to the husband you were right JJ. You going to be a cop like you mom?" Detective Run asks. I hate when people ask me that question. No I can't live up to her reputation I could never be good enough. They would all just talk about how I ruined the name Beckett or she can't live up to her mom.
"I don't think so." I reply.
"Well you're really good your mother would be proud. We will bring back some lunch after we go get this guy and bring him in for questioning hopefully we get a confession you can watch from behind the glass if you want." Detective Esposito says.
"I would love to." I wait for an hour and they come back with chinese with grim looks on their faces.
"What about the husband?" I asked.
"Suicide left a note that explained it all killed himself with the same gun too."
"Well I guess that saved you guys a trial." I say.
"Yah so we got your moms favorite. Because we didn't know what you liked." He said handing me my food. We ate in silence.
"Alright so now that this case is closed and we have all day to do the paperwork what do you say to a poker game?" Detective Esposito asks me.
"What are we playing?"
"Texas Holdem."
"You two are on." By two o'clock I had won more hands than both of them combined.
"Looks like you guys just got your butts handed to you by a 14 year old girl. Man that really must hurt your pride."
"Wow I'm offended that you would think such a thing." Esposito said acting extremely dramatic. "Alright we need to finish this paperwork." He says with a sad look on his face. I take the elevator down to the morgue where Lanie was finishing up some paperwork.
"Hey I'm almost done then we can go visit your mother or we can go thank Castle whatever you want to do."
"Can we go thank Castle then go see my mother?" I ask.
"Of course." She says. She tries to make small talk with me on the way there but it's mostly silent. Lanie gets the doorman to let us up without calling Castle. We knock on the door and a pretty red head answers the door. She looks like a typical rich kid never does anything wrong everyone loves her, and she gets away with anything.
" Hey 're here to see Castle." Lanie says.
"He's in the study." She says plopping down reading an ap chem book.
Lanie knocks. "Come in."
"Hey sorry to intrude, but I heard that you saved my mother's life and I needed to tell you thank you and I will be forever grateful of you for it. It means a lot that you risked your life to save hers. That is true bravery and love." I say seeing his eye twinkle when I say love.
"You didn't need to thank me your mother has saved my life countless times."
"No I needed to I don't care how many times she's saved yours if you hadn't done that I would have been parentless and in foster care but nobody wants a fourteen year old so I would have been lost in the system and all the possibilities terrify me. I just want you to know you are a hero to me." I say tears coming down my face. He gestures for a hug and I run into his arms and they make me feel safe and secure like nothing in the world could ever go wrong. I see why my mother kept him around as a friend but I didn't see why it hadn't become something more. She has had countless boyfriends that she has written me about I never got to meet them though.
"We would never let that happen to you someone at the 12th would have taken you in or maybe even me." He replies pulling out of our hug.
"Thank you. I need to go see my mother now." I say wiping the tears in my eyes and walking back to Lanie who put her arm around me pulling me up against her as we walked out the door.
"That was really sweet of you." She says wiping the tears in her eyes as we got into the car. "I didn't know you were feeling like that. I would have taken you in sweetie. You would of never been in the system because you have people who love you now." She says and for the first time I believe those words my mother constantly told me that but until now I never really felt wanted or needed.
"Lanie thank you." I say making her make a perplexed face.
"Its nothing but just thank you." I say not ready to explain or show anyone the scars that line up my arm from years of cutting and feeling unwanted.
"Alright let's go see your mother they should be taking her off the medically induced coma she could wake up anytime from hours later to days later."
"Ok." I mumble I really need my mother back I need to be on better ground with her.
"I know this hasn't been the best for you and I know you're really sad about your mother but I want you to know I'm always here to talk to you about anything you need."
"Thank you Lanie. You have been a huge help for me."
"Anytime JJ."
"Now let's go see my mom." I say walking into the hospital going straight to her room I memorized the number.
"They say she could wake up anytime now do you wanna spend the night?" She asks quietly.
"Please." I say a year or two coming down my face. I sit in the chair next to my moms bed and hold her hand. I fell asleep like that, when I wake up the next morning Lanie is still asleep same as my mother. I use the bathroom quickly. When I come out my mom is blinking mumbling incoherently.
"Lanie." I yell waking her up. "She's waking up."
"Jess." She mumbles taking the oxygen mask off and I can tell it hurt her to say that."
"Quiet mom just let the pain killers sink in and work on breathing I'm pretty sure that's painful enough." I say to her receiving a tiny head nod in return.
"I'm so sorry mom I shouldn't of been so angry with you and I should of kept in touch. I was really angry when I got called down to the office and they said it was about my mom I was pissed and now I don't see why mom I love you and want you to forgive me." I could see the love on her eyes. Will you forgive me.
She nodded her head. She moved her hands back and pointed at her then me.
"Do you mean can I forgive you?" She nodded.
"Mom I know these things are suppose to bring us together and it has I'm really sorry but I'm just not quite ready to forgive you yet I'm almost there I promise. Can I hug you." She nods and I give her a small hug as the nurse walks in.
"I'm glad you're awake and you're doing pretty good at breathing but this mask will stay on for at least a few days and I you get short of breath or it is extremely painful after that then you put it back in for a bit and can take it off when you feel ready." She says checking her vitals.
"Sweetie I know you're super excited to see your mom but you need to shower and get a change of clothes."
"Do I have to." I say tears in my eyes.
"You can come right back and I'll go to the station."
"Alright. Mom I have to go change and take a shower I'll be right back." I say tears streaming down my face.
After we walk out I go full blown bawling. "Lanie I ruined everything she forgave me and asked if I could forgive her but I couldn't. I'm a horrible person I couldn't bring myself to forgive her even though she's laying there after barely surviving I couldn't let bygones be bygones. I'm a bitch Lanie nobody will ever love me because I'm fucked up."
"Jessica Johanna I don't ever want to hear you say that again you have tons of people who love you and your only human. I'm sure Kate understands how your feeling. And you're not a horrible person you're a sweet girl who's been put in a horrible spot." She says shrinking down to my level. She pulled down my sweatshirt and looked at the scars and three fresh cuts.
"I suspected that you had those now you're never ever going to do that again and I want whatever you used to do that or I swear to go you'll go to rehab while your mother is going through her therapy. This isn't you." She said pointing to my cuts.
"But it is I'm not strong like my mother. I can't do it. I'm not her!" I scream running out into the parking garage and hiding under a car so Lanie couldn't see me.
"Jessica please come out now we can just go home and forget this happened." She yells far away from where I am hiding. I kept quiet and she kept walking around trying to find me.
"Jessica come out now!" She screams right in front of the car I'm hiding under.
"Javi I need a favor." She says right in front of me. "I need you to come down here and help me look for JJ. I found something out about her and she ran into the parking garage and now I can't find her." "Alright see you in ten." She said walking to the other end of the parking garage. I snuck out the gate and ran on foot. I made it back to my mother's apartment and hid under my bed just in case they came to check on me. I shut my phone off so they can't track me. Locked the door and everything. I haven't been in my room in over three years. Last time was when I was 11 and was into pink. My mother had bought all new pink stuff after the explosion she wrote me about. If only we hadn't of had the huge fight before I left then maybe things would be different.
"Jessica Johanna listen to me you are going to to this boarding school like it or not. "
"I've been kicked out of four already mother can't I just stay here with you."
"No you have to be away from me."
"Why mother! Is it because you had a fucking one night stand and don't give two shits about me!"
"Watch your language Jess."
"I'll do what I fucking want." Then she slaps me across the face.
"Oh my fucking god I... I... I'm sorry." She says as tears stream down my face.
"You're a fucking bitch you know that you are just a whore who had a one night stand and are incapable of loving your own child. You send her away. You don't have to look at her anymore trust me I'm not coming back I'll spend my summer and every summer after this somewhere else. You'll get your wish I won't be around anymore so you won't have to look at your fuck up." My mother was in tears now but denied nothing. I walked into my room and packed my stuff. I got in the car and we drove to the school in silence.
"Don't ever fucking talk to me again." I said getting out of the car and into the school.
I was a bitch back then now she has almost died and I still can't forgive her. I am still laying under my bed when I hear someone unlock the door.
"JJ I'm giving you one last chance to come out." Lanie said the fear in her voice very noticeable.I stay silent hoping she will walk away. She walks into my room and sits on my bed.
"I know you're under there and I know you're just scared but you have to stop that cutting on your arms is extremely dangerous."
"I know and I don't want to do it but its the only thing in my life I can control. I know I sound like a child but I've had zero control over anything."
"I know sweetie but can you please please stop for me."
"I'll try Lanie I will I swear." I say getting out from under my bed and sitting next to her.
"Alright sweetie let's go home and get you some new clothes and you can take a shower." She said pulling me close again. I pull out a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeve pink shirt. The shower is the one place where I feel truly safe the hot water running down my skin. Its seven when we pull into the hospital again.
"Mom do you love me?" I ask after I get settled into the seat next to her. She nods.
"I want us to be a family for once and family starts with forgiveness. I forgive you mom I know you didn't mean it." I say tears coming down my face and I can see some coming down hers.
"You did a really good thing there." Lanie whispers into my ear.
"Thanks." I say giving her a hug. 'Mom I can't come tomorrow we are looking at schools tomorrow public schools so I can stay with you. I don't care about your job I just want to be with you. She nods again. "I love you mom." I say giving her hand a squeeze. Lanie has to pull me away from her so I can go back to her house.
"Ok now I want you to be honest are your arms the only area with cuts? She says when we get in the car.
"Yes I only ever did it on my arms."
"Alright well I'm going to need to look at your scars and the fresher ones when we get inside."
"Alright but can I ask one thing?"
"Sure."
"Can you let me tell her I want to be the one to tell her I'm broken and scarred."
"Of course I would of never told her without your permission but you do have to tell her, not right away but within the next couple of months."
"I will I swear." I say dozing off.