"How do you tell someone you love them?"

It took all of Finn's heroic instincts, reflexes, and self-control to refrain from spitting his cocoa in Princess Bubblegum's face. When the beautiful monarch whom he was completely and totally no longer romantically interested in anymore, no sir, had invited him to a nice informal lunch, this was certainly not the sort of thing he had expected to hear from her. (Except in some of his fantasies, and dreams, which he denied having anymore, no matter what Jake said.) "I-I'm sorry?"

A pensive look on her lovely pink features, Bubblegum looked at the cocoa mug she was holding in both hands, her grip unusually tight. "How do you tell someone you love them?" she repeated.

Finn swallowed, took another sip of cocoa to fortify himself, and tried to decipher what his fair lady was telling him. Jake had warned him more than once that women were difficult to deal with and almost impossible to understand, and his dates with Flame Princess had only reinforced that impression. If he was going to get to the bottom of this, he would have to exercise unusual tact and insightfulness. "What the math are you talking about, PB?!" he demanded frenziedly, patting himself on the back for handling this in a calm and mature manner.

Bubblegum bit her lip and relaxed her grip on her mug, sipping it and drumming the fingers of her free hand on the tabletop. After an uncomfortably long silence, the princess lowered her mug and looked at down at Finn—even seated, she was still at least a head taller than him—but seemed unwilling to meet his eyes. "There's…someone close to me, someone I've known for a very, very long time who I…I have…feelings for."

"Feelings?" Finn asked uneasily.

"Yes. Feelings," Bubblegum said.

Finn gulped. "Of a…lovey-dovey kind?" Bubblegum nodded silently. "Ah. Right."

There was another awkward silence. Finally, certain he was going to regret this even more than he had regretted opening that cursed box with the screaming five-eyed baby ghost wombats with flaming rattles the other day, he asked, "Who is it?"

"Someone I care about a lot. Someone I've known for a very long time. Someone who has done a great deal for me and my people. Someone who…" She hesitated, choking back a sob. "That I…may not have treated as well as I should have."

Oh juice oh juice oh juice she's talking about me! Finn thought, panicking. She can't have feelings for me! Not now! I'm completely definitely absolutely over her no matter what Jake or BMO or that snail who keeps waving at us say! I'm with Flame Princess and I'm totally and completely in love with her and have never entertained thoughts of being with any other women, especially not PB, since I'm over her and all! Really. Definitely. Without a doubt. He started grinding his teeth nervously. Oh Glob, please don't be me. Please be…I dunno, Peppermint Butler or Starchy or Cinnamon Bun or the Duke of Nuts or Marcelline—everyone's always said there's some kind of history between them—or even, ew, Lemongrab, but not me! I don't want it to be me! Not even the slightest, teeny tiniest bit! Because even if I did—which I don't—if PB did have feelings about me, then Flame Princess would kill her. Then me. Then the rest of the world. S-so, with that in mind, PB definitely can't be in love with me…right? "Is…is it someone I know?" he asked.

Bubblegum smiled weakly. "Yes. Rather intimately, actually."

OH GLOB SHE'S INSINUMANATING IT'S ME! "S-so what's the problem?" Finn asked timidly, his heart beating a mile a minute and sweat running down his face and screams running endlessly through his mind.

Bubblegum sighed and averted her gaze. "After everything I've done to this person…after how badly I've treated them…how can I possibly let them know how I feel about them? What right do I have to do so, after…after everything?"

Finn desperately wished Jake were here. Jake would know what to say. He was practically married and had kids, after all. (Wait, had Jake actually married Lady? Finn couldn't remember being invited to a wedding. His best bud and brother wouldn't go and get hitched without him, would he?) "Do…do you love this person?"

Bubblegum nodded solemnly. "Yes. With all my candy heart."

"Then…then you should…" Finn hoped his trembling wasn't too noticeable. Or that he was on the verge of peeing himself from sheer terror. "You should probably just…just tell this person…that you like them." Please don't be me, please don't be me, please don't be me!

Bubblegum frowned. "Just…tell them? Like that?"

Finn somehow managed a very, very flimsy smile. "W-well sure, why not? I mean…it worked for me and Flame Princess, after all, right?" He carefully neglected to mention the part where she nearly burned down the Goblin Kingdom.

Princess Bubblegum considered this for a moment. After a while, she smiled. "You're right, Finn. Thank you." She pushed her chair out and stood up. "Now if you'll excuse me, there's someone very dear to me I need to talk to."

It's not me?! Er, I mean, thank Glob! Finn thought. "So, uh, who's the lucky person, PB?" Finn asked, wondering why he felt like crying.

Princess Bubblegum smiled beatifically at him, and he felt his heart break again at the next words to leave her mouth. "Why, the Ice King, of course. Who else?"

…

"Whoa whoa whoa, WHAT?!" Princess Bubblegum screamed incredulously.

Ice King looked up from the manuscript he was holding, blinking at his prisoner in confusion. "Hmm? What is it?"

"That's preposterous! The glaring flaw in your choice of romance for this story aside, I'd never ask Finn for love advice! His naiveté aside, after our…history together, it would hurt him too much…" Bubblegum said, a sad look in her eyes.

A slow, lascivious, terrifying grin slowly grew across Ice King's face. "Soooo…is that the only problem with my story, Princess?"

"Aside from the fact that I would never, ever, in a million years, even if you were the last person on Ooo, ever go on a date with you?!" Bubblegum said. "Then yes, that's the only problem."

"Woohoo! My writing is improving!" Ice King declared, throwing his manuscript into the air and not seeming to notice it getting scattered everywhere. "Did you hear that, Gunther? She likes my story!"

"Wenk," said the penguin sitting nearby.

"That…isn't even remotely what I said," Bubblegum said.

"Come on, honey! Give me a victory smooch!" Ice King said, leaning closer to Bubblegum's cell and puckering his lips through the bars. She slapped him. "Yes!" he cheered through a smile full of broken teeth. "She likes me! She really likes me! That kiss hurt a lot more than I expected it to, though."

"Ice King, I don't like you!" Bubblegum said.

"But you just kissed me," the Ice King said.

"I slapped you!" Bubblegum clarified.

"Oh," Ice King said. There was a pause. "Still touched my lips, though. That totally counts."

"ARGH!" she screamed, banging her head against the wall of her cell.

"You shouldn't do that, you know, brain damage isn't really attractive in a woman," Ice King said.

"I HATE YOU!" she screamed.

"Oh come on, you can't honestly tell me you aren't turned on by all this," the Ice King said, casting off his robe and thrusting out his emaciated torso. "Eh? Eh?"

Bubblegum looked at him in fear.

Ice King raised his eyebrows suggestively.

Bubblegum looked at him in horror.

Ice King raised his eyebrows suggestively faster.

Bubblegum looked at him in absolute terror.

Ice King raised his eyebrows suggestively even faster.

Thankfully, it was at that moment that Finn and Jake smashed through the wall, beat Ice King up, and saved the Princess. The psychological torture would take a lot longer to heal, however…

Oh, and it would take a while for her to forget Ice King's fanfic, too.