Zuko's Life and Why It Has Some Significance
Zuko: practicing his Fire bending on the ship's starboard side Hiya! Hiya! Stereotypical lame kung-fu movie sounds! HIYA!
Iroh: Zuko, do you really need to say all those stereotypical lame kung-fu movie sounds?
Zuko: Yes, uncle I do. How else am I going to attract obviously wanted attention to myself?
Iroh: You could try being nice to someone for a change
Zuko: Yeah, but being a mean, spoiled brat is what gets me all the ladies! Why would I bother changing?
Iroh: True…true lame reference to a Budweiser commercial
Zuko: Ya know, you've gotta love fan girls. You do something completely pig-headed and they swoon and sigh. Heck, even breathing is an Act of God in their eyes.
Iroh: Yes…but when will it all end?looks wistfully into the sunset
Zuko: Hey! Don't even think about trying to cut in on my using of lame movie clichés!
Iroh: shakes as if awakening from a trance I wasn't cutting in on anything!
Zuko: looks at him suspiciously Don't try to fool me, old man! I've the eyes of a hawk!
Iroh: And you've got the scar that looks like some kind of bird wing to prove it! points at his nephew's scar, oblivious to the tears welling up in poor Zuko's eyes
Zuko: breaks out into hysterical tears WAAAA! WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND SAY THAT! WAAA! runs off the deck and into the haul, with Iroh chasing after him
Iroh: runs after Zuko, but has to stop repeatedly to catch his breath What kind of mutated vegetables are they feeding kids these days!
Zuko: reaches his chambers just as Iroh approaches
Iroh: panting Zuko…huff huff I didn't mean what I huff huff said…
Zuko: Liar! You said that on purpose! How could you do that to me Uncle? You know how important it is for me to bear this silent pain all by my lonesome so that the fan girls will love me more because I have this heavy burden of having an awesome battle scar on my face! Now they've seen the real me--THE SCARRED, INSECURE TROUBLED YOUTH YEARING FOR HIS FATHER'S ACCEPTANCE! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?
Iroh: Zuko…I never knew you felt that way crying now too
Zuko: And you wanna know what the worst part of all of this is?
Iroh: WHAT! sobbing hysterically
Zuko: I NEVER LEARNED TO READ! lame reference to Wayne's World
Iroh: …………yes, you did….
Zuko: ………FINE! NOW I HAVE TO BE A STEROTYPICAL TEENAGER IN DISTESS AND YELL "GET OUT OF MY LIFE" AND SLAM MY DOOR IN YOUR FACE! SO…GET OUT OF MY LIFE! slams the door in his uncle's face
Iroh: does exactly the WRONG thing to do, being a bad guardian FINE! SEE IF I CARE! storms off
Zuko: crying and puffing in his room. He runs and throws himself onto his bed and sobs…later on, he lifts up his head and looks out the window. Standing up, he walks over to the window. He watches passively as two doves fly in the air together. Suddenly, drippy, jazz piano music starts up and the orchestra begins to play
Drippy Jazz pianist: Take it away, Zuko.
Zuko: singing Uncle Iroh gives me…some very good advice. But I very seldom…follow it. sighs dramatically and looks out his window…oh, I've got gadgets and gizmos of plenty. I've got whosits and whatsits galore! suddenly all of his furniture in his room disappears. Zuko starts twirling to the center of the room You want a thing-a-bob? I've got twenty he somehow has a box of pipes in his hand. Flounder flops helplessly on his floor, unable to breathe, since he's a fish. But who cares…?Zuko steps on Flounder No big deal…I want MORE…starts floating up to his ceiling, Little Mermaid Style. suddenly, there is a flash of light and Zuko is wearing a white tux with a top hat and cane. He is strutting down a white staircase I'M IN THE MONEY! I'M IN THE MONEY! he does a little turn and suddenly, he is on the disco floor, doing that annoying dance where you put one finger up in the air I'M TOO SEXY FOR YOUR PARTY, TOO SEXY FOR YOUR PARTY, NO WAY I'M DISCO DANCING! next, he is in the middle of Death Valley in a Ford Mustang with a Tears for Fears haircut SHOUT! SHOUT! WORK IT ON OUT! THESE ARE THE THINGS I COULD DO WITHOUT! COME ON! next he is transported to the 17th century, wearing a white wig and frilly clothing. He is playing the organ
Iroh: listening behind Zuko's door Wow…that's some music medley…
Abruptly, the music stops. Iroh is shocked and quietly enters the room. There is his nephew singing "I Hope You Dance" …in sign language
Zuko: performing sign language. He starts doing that hand gesture that looks like a bird lame reference to Napoleon Dynamite
Iroh: quietly leaves his nephew and closes the door He just needs some alone time…
Zuko: continues his music medley for many hours. Some of the featured songs would have been (with appropriate costume and scenery), if I wasn't so lazy to write them: Tomorrow, Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better, Prima Donna, Hit Me Baby One More Time, Dirty, Confessions II, and If Your Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands
Zuko: wow…I sure sang a lot today…I should go on American Idol. Suddenly, the judges appear
Simon: You have the worst voice on the face of the planet. Don't even think of auditioning.
Puala: Oh, well I like him! He has that "scarred, insecure price yearning for his father's acceptance" look. Audiences love a pity story.
Randy: Yeah, you were totally on cue. And that whole stepping on the blue and yellow fish thing…that got me right here punches self in eye OW! Goddamnit!
Zuko: Well, Simon, since I'm a prince, I can just order someone to decapitate you. Guard!
Guard: Yo, wat's up, foo!
Zuko: Decapitate him at once!
Guard: Say wha!
Zuko: I want you to cut off his head!
Guard: You want me to cut off the white dude's head? Now you gonna tell to cut off the white dude's head?
Zuko: Because I told you so that's why! It's not that difficult to grasp! Take this axe picks up axe and lop off his head!
Guard: Man, I gotta go and bust a cap in some Crip's ass…I ain't got time for this shit! leaves
Zuko: WHY! WHY IS THIS MY LIFE!
Fangirls: Because it makes us love you EVEN MORE!
Zuko: Oh, yeah! Now I remember…it's all for the ladies…snickers and puts his arms around two girls
Fin