I do not own The Outsiders.
Her body is still and immobile. Needles in her skin, in her veins. Eyes closed and lips parted. Hair matted and legs straight.
"I want to go back." His eyes won't leave his mother but I can't respond. I know he can't go back; I made him leave his mother. I made his mother like this, I did this.
"I'm sorry buddy, we can't. We can't ever go back." His foot is tapping the ground with no pattern, instead with the rhythm of anger, of sadness, of loss.
"You did this Ponyboy, you did this. Why? Why did you do this…?" My heart is going faster hearing him say the words out loud. He's old enough to know I feel the guilt, I have the realization of death on my hands and that I can taste the blood in my mouth.
"Shush, just shut up will ya? God damn she did this not me."
She did this not me.
His breathing is as fast as my heart, and then he sobs and yanks at his own hair. I can't stop it from happening. He won't let me touch him.
"Mum, you gotta get up. Don't you understand? They'll send me away. Ponyboy's gone mum, they'll take me away!"
My breath catches in my throat and I wince. He knows.
Of course he does Ponyboy, don't be ridiculous.
Her heart monitor is getting faster, beeping in time with my heart, with Cash's breathing. Cash won't calm down, he's beginning to hyperventilate. His eyes are darting around the room.
I lied, he's not gone. Sorry. I'm alone, please help.
I know she's coming, Cash knows she's leaving. She's mine now, up here. Cash is the one who will be alone for once. For once it's not me... Come to me Cherry.
She crashed that car, not me. I bought the car, but she crashed it herself. Cash doesn't understand.
She's mine, Cash, mine.
And she comes, I see her face at the gates and she smiles. See? She's happy to see me too.
Humans are selfish, even in death we're selfish.