Author: Windigo
Rating: PG…to cover any tracks I might leave…
Part 1 of 1
A/N: Just a little fic that popped out of nowhere when I was listening to the radio one day (no worries, the next chapter of Helping Hands is still underway). Normally I don't like writing song fics, but for once, this one seemed to be asking for it…It was just one of those stories that kept eating at me until I got the words down on paper, and so this is what came of that. A little more moody than I originally started with, and maybe a little OOC, I'm never too sure about that aspect, but I did my best…tell me what you think…
Summary: (One-shot/Song fic) A cold winter's night is a perfect time for contemplation, and Kagome takes the opportunity to settle some things in her mind and heart.
Disclaimer: Kagome and the gang do not belong to me, but to another, much more creative genius. The song "Song for a Winter's Night" belongs to Sarah Mclachlan. I am borrowing both for the purpose of this fic. As to whether I do them justice, well that's another story…
- - -
Song For A Winter's Night
- - -
The city lights glowed dimly through the white haze that had settled down on the city of Tokyo. For once, the buildings lost their stark, concrete look, and the falling snow had blurred the hard edges of the monstrosities.
From her window, Kagome watched the snowflakes flutter outside. It was light outside, at least for nighttime. This wasn't the normal light of day, nor the ethereal light of the moon.
This was the warm glow from the city lights that was reflected off of stormy winter clouds to give the sky a murky appearance. True, the world outside was still enshrouded in a blanket of nighttime shadows. But now the shadows looked less like a place of hidden nightmares and more like a secret place that one could go to hide from life.
Kagome wasn't looking for a hiding place. It didn't snow very often in Tokyo, and when it did, the white cover would melt into the asphalt-covered ground in a few days. Today though, had been special.
Through the frosted glass panes of her classroom, she and her friends had watched the gentle descent of the first few drops of white with a mixture of wonder and hope. Hope for a snowstorm that would stop schools from opening. Wonder at the delicate dance that played out across the bleak winter sky.
The school bell had rung, and the students had exited into a winter wonderland. Soft piles of snow had begun to build up on the pathways and sidewalks leading home. Ayumi had started a snowball fight in the schoolyard, and it had amounted into an all out war with the entire class. The fun had ended abruptly when Hojo had managed to catch the principal smack dab on the back of his skull and the older man had gone down hard into a particularly large snow bank.
It had been hard to stop giggling on the way home though. Twice, Kagome had found a snowball aimed for her, only to get her friend back with a well-aimed hit before they could even launch their own missile.
Those archery skills are coming in handy. Even Souta had commented on her good aim when she had surprised him as he came out of the house.
"Wow, sis! You're better at that than a boy!" He had gawked, ignoring the white splotch that adorned his winter jacket. "Can you teach me? Please?"
Unable to resist, she had spent the next hour showing him how to keep the target in line with the snowball, and the best way to throw. They could've gone on for hours if Grandpa hadn't nearly had a heart attack when he realized that they were using the Goshinboku Tree as a target.
Kagome smiled softly at the memory. It was moments like those that made her realize how much she missed having a life in only one era. Not that she didn't enjoy the interesting quirks her life had.
No, it was what she was missing at home that had started all this sentimentality. There had been a peace to her life before the time traveling that she hadn't realized was there. So many people ached for a life of adventure, for some kind of action to come on over and sweep them up.
Kagome had never really hoped for it as some did, but she hadn't been adverse to the wishful thinking either. There was hardly a woman out there who hadn't at one point in her life wished to find herself involved in some great escapade, with a handsome hero by her side, and his loveable sidekick tagging along. Being in the spotlight was a natural craving for everyone, even if certain people preferred to hide that part of themselves.
But now, Kagome had no need for wishful thinking. For a girl who had just returned from a long, tiring battle with a horse demon over another piece of the jewel shard, adventurous dreams were no longer needed.
As for the handsome hero, well… Inuyasha certainly fit under the attractive category. But where the typical Hollywood hero exhibited such admirable qualities such as loyalty, honesty, and emotionally available, Inuyasha was sorely lacking in all three.
Well, he's pretty loyal. He hasn't ditched the group yet. And look at how he is with Kikyo. He's pledged to go to hell for her. If that isn't loyalty, then what is?
Kagome hadn't realized her smile had faded until she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the windowpane. Even her eyes had lost some of the brightness that was always there to welcome strangers and friends alike.
Looking down at her desk, and at the chipped blue mug filled with hot chocolate and half-melted marshmallows, Kagome allowed herself one little sigh.
If only Inuyasha ever showed that kind of dedication to me. Then maybe I wouldn't have to worry so much about my feelings for him.
Her fingers grazed the switch on her lamp, and suddenly the room was dark. Only the naked windows let in enough light to fight some of the shadows creeping around at her feet.
- - -
The lamp is burning low upon my table top
Snow softly falling
The air is still within the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly calling
- - -
She brought her eyes back to the frosted glass, not having to worry about seeing her reflection now.
Instead, she was greeted with the eerily still and quiet world outside. The shrine was already buried under the snow, and the tracks from Souta's sled had already been covered up, along with their footprints that they had left.
She wondered if her memory in the past would fade as easily. The jewel was--after all--nearly complete, and all that was really left was the final showdown with Naraku. Although Kagome didn't want to think about that battle, she couldn't help but wonder about the aftermath and all the havoc it would wreak.
If they were successful in defeating him, and if everyone survived, then what? Would Sango get her brother back, or would she have to face a life as the last of her village? Would Miroku let his womanizing tendencies get the better of him, or would he save the woman of his heart from a life of loneliness?
And what about Shippo? What would happen to him? She would bring him home in a second, but downtown, modern-day Tokyo was no place for a young kitsune. He would be better off in his own time, with demons of his own kind. Or at least, with friends who cared for him just as much as she did.
No matter how hard she tried, Kagome couldn't imagine a life for herself in the past. Each and every time she found a feasible situation that would allow her to stay in that long-ago era, something would destroy it. It had been the last few days in school though, that had really found their mark in her thoughts.
Her math teacher had brought up the topic of university admissions, and what the levels of marks that would be expected of them. The discussion had been a vain attempt at getting the class to study harder, but it had started something else. Already, people were discussing about what kind of future they wanted, which school they wanted to go to, all that kind of scary talk.
But Kagome had had nothing really to say. Eri had commented on her silence about the issue, and she had given a strangled answer about medical school. Deep down though, the young miko had had no clue as to why her insides were twisting into knots.
The future wasn't that scary, was it? University was a normal thing, the expected next step that everyone took—or at least most people did. Before she had slipped down the well, she had been working at school with higher education in mind. She had been dreaming of becoming someone important in the world, getting a job that would mean something to her.
Of course, the big ugly truth was that her time-travel fit nowhere into the neat plans that she had formulated long ago. It was hard enough trying to study for high school tests with the minimal time she had, let alone do assignments and reading. What would it be like in university?
Her hand clenched on the handle of the mug, and she lifted the rim to her lips so that the liquid chocolate could soothe her sudden troubles. It didn't cure her of the tension in her shoulders, but it certainly relaxed her mind and heart.
The white snow fell ever steady outside, small flakes hitting the glass and a howling wind shook the walls. Kagome wanted nothing more to lose herself in the delicate pattern of the snowfall and of the winter storm, but her head would not let go of its hold.
Instead, a carefully chiseled image flashed repeatedly in her thoughts, and it was with a sad smile that Kagome gave in.
There was a reason why the future was so hard to accept.
Or more to the point, there was a particular half-demon that was causing all the problems.
And no matter how hard she struggled to put his memory away, it remained rooted in place.
- - -
If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter's night with you
- - -
It was hard to ignore the role Inuyasha played in her life.
Boys had been somewhat of a mystery to her, but as the years had gone by, they had begun to evolve from complex, mysterious organisms, to a much more simple-minded version.
But Inuyasha was different. He hadn't had the chance to be a hormonally challenged teenager, facing the day to day issues of a typical male who had just discovered the feminine form.
Although he didn't talk about it much, Kagome had known him long enough to realize that his childhood hadn't been fun and games. Being labeled a "half-breed" wasn't something a child should have to deal with, especially in a world that would condemn him for a parentage that was in no way his fault. Although he acted as though his heart was made of wrought steel, she knew that deep down there were cracks in his heart begging to be healed by someone who knew how.
And how she wanted to be the one to help him, to lift him from his misery that he kept deep within, and bring him into a place where he only needed her hand to see the light!
Yet that feat was impossible. Impossible at least, for someone who couldn't find a way out of her own emotional traps that had been set off.
If she could only distance herself from the nerves she felt tingling every time he held her near, or when he reached out to her during those long and bloody battles. When her insides stopped twisting into knots, and when her head wasn't so lightheaded over the silliness of romantic notions, then perhaps she would be able to see clearly enough to save Inuyasha from the pain he was fostering.
Ha! You should listen to yourself. All of this advice about being stoic and emotionless! This, coming from a girl who cried when she ran over a snake with her tricycle; from the same person who sticks to the side of a man who loves another. It's hopeless, absolutely hopeless.
Kagome couldn't be tricked by the malicious voice in her head. It wasn't the first time her usually bright thoughts had darkened into something she wasn't sure she liked. And each time they popped up, the young woman would quash them just as quickly.
Maybe it was the feathery snowflakes that floated past her window, or the soft storm clouds hovering above the city, but somehow she found some peace in knowing that she wasn't going to succumb to the dark places in her mind. Her friends would laugh if they ever heard her talking like this. Higurashi? Thinking evil thoughts? What kind of silly joke was that?
Of course, they knew nothing of what she had been through these past few years. They had not killed numerous monsters, they had not seen the horrors that an angry demon can wreak on innocent villagers.
Perhaps that was why she felt so much more comfortable around her friends in the past. Unlike the casual twentieth century Japanese school girl, they knew what a mutilated body could look like. They knew the smell of blood and death, and they weren't afraid of fighting.
They supported each other through each tiring fight, and made sure that when someone fell that there was always a tender place for them to fall on to.
Well, at least Kagome could think of three people who were like that. A certain hanyou, on the other hand, wasn't exactly known for his worldly caring attitude.
Despite his brash nature towards others though, he was very good at hiding what he truly felt. The common villager would have seen him for a hot-blooded half-breed whose sole purpose was to terrorize another village, or cause his own share of mischief.
Kagome, on the other hand, saw him for a troubled soul who wasn't too sure where exactly he belonged. Each and every day was spent of a quest that would bring him to the end of a goal that she wasn't certain he wanted.
Not that he didn't want the Shikon no Tama. No. It was what he was going to do with the sacred jewel that Kagome wondered about. Would he really wish to become the full-blooded demon that he craved. Or would it go towards something else, something entirely different?
The jewel, after all, was all-powerful. It could certainly bring back someone from the dead couldn't it? Or, at the very least, give them a true, flesh and blood body as well as complete their soul.
And, more importantly, would this wish be the end of all of her hopes and dreams that she had been accumulating as each day with her hanyou friend passed by?
- - -
The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon each page
The words of love you send me
- - -
If she were any less of a person, she would probably hate Kikyo. She would hate her for the pain that the priestess brought to Inuyasha. Hate her for stealing Inuyasha's heart, and not relinquishing it to someone who loved him just as much.
But Kagome couldn't find it in her being to foster such emotion. In fact--although it may be of biased opinion from someone who was the miko's reincarnation--she felt sorry for the woman who had been condemned to walking the earth, alone, angry, and encased in a shell of a body.
How could you criticize someone for a past that they had no control over? No matter how much suffering Kikyo had brought to an already tough situation, she had still been a human being at one point, a person who had lived and breathed and loved.
Kagome often wondered if Kikyo had experienced love the way she was now. Had she felt skittish whenever Inuyasha had breached the personal space barrier? Had she felt her nerves singing whenever he had touched her? Had she dreamt of holding him close, listening to his steady heartbeat, and feeling nothing was wrong for one perfect moment in time?
Or had she been more practical? Kagome knew she wasn't the only woman in the world who experienced such topsy-turvy highs and lows whenever the man they cared for came into view, but somehow Kikyo was different. Not just because she was lacking pieces of her soul, but because she seemed to be void of any such emotions.
Though, that being said, it wasn't as if Kagome had met the old priestess when she was in a much more human state. All that she could compare Kikyo too was the faded person who managed to show up at the most inopportune times on their quest for the shards.
Still, as hard as it was, Kagome imagined that at one time, the woman had been feeling just as silly as she was, itching to get a hold of the hanyou and kiss him senseless.
Yet despite her resolve on the situation, she couldn't help but feeling a little jealous at the hold the older woman had on Inuyasha. She was only human, after all. A human who had fallen in love with the stereotypical unavailable male.
But as a girl who had grown up in a shrine, she had always believed in fate and the spirits. And if this is what the spirits had planned for her, well, then damn it, she was going to get through it the best way she knew how.
She wasn't an idiot. It was a proven fact that no matter how hard you tried, you could not make someone fall in love with you. At least, you couldn't make them love you and maintain a successful relationship afterwards.
And she was secure in the knowledge that at the very least, Inuyasha did care for her. He may not be the most vocal person when it came to things like that, but he still managed to show her through the little things he did.
His over-protectiveness was a perfectly good example. Kagome felt her face break into a small smile as she recalled all the times that he had demonstrated the undeniable urge to keep her safe. At times it could be frustrating, other times it was enough to make her blush.
No matter the moment, his consideration for her well-being was enough to allow her the little freedom of hanging on to the idea that maybe, just maybe, Inuyasha cared for her more than he let on.
Maybe somewhere in his wounded heart, there was a space there that she was slowly filling in. And that was all that she needed as an excuse to return to him every time she faced the well.
- - -
If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter's night with you
- - -
The wind rattled the windowpane, and shook the walls of the room once more. The delicate dance of the snow was now a dizzying whirling dervish that flew in and out of the treetops and rooftops in its wake. For a moment, the world outside was transformed into a blanket of white, a thick covering to hide the outside from those that were safely hidden within, but it soon settled and the window was clear again.
The hot chocolate had cooled substantially since she had taken her last sip, but still she persisted in drinking it all, including the gooey marshmallows that were still floating on top of the comforting mixture.
No matter what happened in her life, Kagome knew that she would always remember moments like these. The quiet of a sleeping household, the velvety sweetness of her mother's hot chocolate, the eerie emptiness of a busy city, and the winter nights where she got to experience all three. She knew that this world was one day going to be the only world she knew, the only one she moved about in and watched.
But at the moment, her life was divided, and what it came down to was that she wasn't willing to give up either one. Forever was really only a word, and although some things could link hand in hand with that word, there were other things that had no place with it.
Traveling through the well was something that she had certainly taken for granted. It had taken Kaede's words before she had come home a few days ago to make her realize just how much she had really taken it for granted though.
The old woman had seen her off at the edge of the village, along with the others. Sango had been busy keeping Miroku from injuring his wounded shoulder any more than it already was, and Shippo had been moaning about the lack of snow. They had all been too busy to hear Kaede's words, but Kagome had heard them loud and clear, drifting through the cold air and worming their way into her mind.
"You have been doing well, child. But I fear that the end will be near. I only hope you know which ending you want."
The words, at the time, had seemed so completely senseless that it had taken her a few moments to digest them. By then, Kaede had already started back to the village, and Inuyasha had been demanding why she wasn't moving if she was so damn desperate to go home in the first place.
Now the words had haunted her, and had only added to her confusion over the last few days. What with all this talk about the future, Kagome wanted nothing more to go back to the past and stay there, were things were more certain and definitive.
But Inuyasha wasn't nearly as caring as he is now. And there's been so much progress with everyone. Miroku and Sango, Shippo, and even the hanyou himself. We've come such a long way. Would I really want to give this all up?
I don't think I could let go of Inuyasha just yet. He may not be in love with me, but I care for him too much to see him fight the battles alone. He deserves to have someone watching out for him, someone to make sure that he doesn't do anything stupid.
He may not admit to it, she mused, but he needs me just as much as I need him.
The wind took its vengeance on the house once more, and Kagome wondered whether it was agreeing with her, or whether it was a warning from the spirits that she was entering dangerous ground.
Well, whatever ground she was going to be stepping onto could hardly be any more dangerous than the other situations she had been in. She would just have to take comfort in the fact that she had friends who would be there to help her every step of the way.
- - -
The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim
The shades of night are lifting
The morning light steals across my windowpane
Where webs of snow are drifting
- - -
Kagome glanced at the clock on her bedside table and nearly shrieked. It was nearly early morning, and there were three tests she had to keep track of tomorrow! Not to mention that she had to see her friends about a group project that was due soon, and pack for her weekend in another era!
And no matter how spiritual she might be, she just knew that there wouldn't be a snow day tomorrow if she decided to slack off tonight. It was better to take your chances with things that were not beyond your control.
Downing the last of her now cold chocolate, Kagome reached up to let the curtain fall, but found her hand frozen on the cord.
It would be such a shame to shut out the wonder of the world outside, and it wasn't every day she got to see a blizzard as wild as this one.
Letting the cord slide out of her grasp, she gave the sleeping Buyo a small shove, and regained some of her bed covers for herself.
The comforter was enticingly warm, and it took the young woman a moment to realize how cold she had been before. Despite the central heating, polar fleece pajamas, and the extra-thick socks she had gotten for Christmas a few years ago, the room had still been freezing.
Curling contentedly lower into her many blankets, her hands found the warmth of her cat, and she kept them close by his fuzzy form . For a moment, Kagome closed her eyes, listening to the wind whistling through the city, and letting her mind go blank for one precious second.
She didn't feel the smile creep onto her face. What she did feel was the weights that had been on her chest lifting as she came to the realization that perhaps the future--her future--wouldn't be quite so bad. For every path taken, there were a thousand new twists and turns ahead. Perhaps the path she was walking would take her in a direction that fulfilled some of her wishes. Or at least shed some light on some of the darker areas of her mind.
Her eyes opened, and they settled on the open window.
Tomorrow was another day.
Tomorrow she would see Miroku and Sango. Maybe it had snowed in the village, and she and Shippo could build another snowman family. Or even start a snowball fight with the village children.
Tomorrow she would get to see Inuyasha, and watch helplessly as she fell all over again.
But for now, on this cold winter's night, she would be content with what she had now, and with the simple knowledge that she loved him.
Maybe one day he would leave her for an eternity with Kikyo. Maybe he might turn into a full-blooded demon and roam the countryside forever more.
Or maybe one day he would wake up, and find it in his heart to love her back.
Whatever the case may turn out to be, Kagome found that she wasn't all that worried about the future any more. The future wasn't meant to be fussed over and worried about in the present.
It was there to remind people that time was short, and that sometimes life was shorter. And all you could do was hope that each day brings with it a whole new realm of possibilities.
Love wasn't an overnight realization, nor was it something that could come and go as easily as a passing breeze.
It was a storm that tore at the heart and soul, and left its mark wherever it roamed. But it was also something to be cherished, and Kagome found that despite all her lingering doubts and fears, she was just as happy to be by his side, and to stay there to make sure he had someone to lean on when he needed it most.
Her eyelids drooped, and soon fell, letting her churning mind find some rest in another realm.
Yet the last thing she could think of was an image of the silver-haired hanyou that usually toyed with her thoughts. It wasn't just any image though, it was of him smiling…smiling at her. His smile may not have held all the emotions she wished it did, but at the time it had given her new hope.
With a gentle smile still gracing her tired face, Kagome gave in to sleep, letting the noisy winter storm sing her to sleep.
It would be a while before she found this kind of peace again, this kind of contentment.
But for this very moment, it was enough.
- - -
If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
And to be once again with you
- - -
The End