Lavi smiled. Lavi always smiled. It wasn't by choice, sometimes Lavi wanted to be sad, to be angry, to be loving, to be in love. But, that kind of thing just wasn't allowed. Feelings. Love especially, that was the worst one.
Lavi thought if he smiled enough, he would become happy. That just wasn't the case. He couldn't be happy, because his friends weren't his friends, they were pages in books one day forgotten. It's not what Lavi wanted, to be so close yet so distant. No, Lavi wanted to laugh and joke and kiss. My god, did he want to kiss.
He wanted to kiss Yu, but that definitely wasn't allowed.
So Lavi flirted with women he couldn't care less about. Slutty girls showing too much skin and not enough brain. All just so he could throw Bookman off his trail, so maybe one day he could be with Yu. Lavi knew it was impossible, but that dream was all the romance he was allowed to have.
Lavi would watch Kanda on the train often, the way he'd gaze out the window, his beautiful dark eyes reflecting the scenery. He would watch as the samurai's lips would curl up, almost smiling, as the world went passed them. Those moments made Lavi's heart flutter, and he'd have this undeniable urge to kiss him.
If Yu fell asleep Lavi would braid his hair, not so Kanda would get angry at him, no, all he wanted to do was touch Yu's soft locks. When the Japanese exorcist awoke, he wouldn't think anything of it. He always thought Lavi wanted to anger him, but he was so wrong.
When Kanda would have his shirt off, Lavi would sneak glances, tying to memorize each sculpted muscle, and when he trained Lavi would watch the sweat roll off of him. His soft porcelain skin glowing in the light. Lavi just wanted to touch him, to hold Kanda and to never let go.
When Lavi stops to think, everything would be worth giving up just for that. That's why Lavi won't think, he refuses to, because when he does...Kanda Yu is the only thing that comes to mind.