Disclaimer: We are not Whossey. Everything Whossey says and does doesn't reflect the authors' opinions. We don't own House either.

Author's Note: Hello! Danny and I are back! And so is Whossey! I decided to write a 'back to school' episode to celebrate going back to school.

Whossey

"It's never Lupus"

Whossey stands by the easel by his desk. He lifts his brush out of the black paint, and draws a giant X on the canvas. Just as he's about to stand back and admire his art, Hooker Boss storms into the room.

Hooker Boss: "Oh, my God, Whossey! Did you see the news this mooring?!"

Whossey picks up his painting and carries it to Hooker Boss. She looks down at it in awe.

Whossey: "The bright yellow circle in the middle represents innocence, and the sun. The X over it represents pollution, and the loss of innocence. The pollution is blocking out the sun, and the world is losing it's innocence…"

Hooker Boss: "That's…so deep, Whossey…It's beautiful…"

She takes out a tissue and dries her tear-filled eyes.

Whossey: "It's not just beautiful, it's a freaking masterpiece. Rafael couldn't paint like this on a good day. I'm a painting God. You should be bowing down to me and my talent…Now, what did you so rudely barge into my office to say to me?"

Hooker Boss: "Oh, Whossey! It's so terrible! I saw on the news that there's a high school in town, where every day some kid dies! I think we should all go down there and investigate!"

Whossey: "Great idea! The interns and medical students can run this place while we're gone! Let's go!"

At the school

Whossey: "Cameranne, come on…will you just park already!"

Useless Team is piled into Cameranne's car, she's driving around the parking lot looking for a spot.

Cameranne: "If you don't like the why I drive, you should have taken your own car!"

Whossey: "Yeah right. Like I would ever let any of you in my expensive car. Especially Blackman."

Cameranne finally parks.

Whossey: "It's about freaking time! God! I shouldn't have expected any more from a woman driver."

Aussie: "Oy! Leave her alone, mate!"

Cameranne: "I can defend myself! Leave me alone, Aussie! I will never love you!"

Inside the school

Hooker Boss: "Alright, Useless Team, I don't think we should talk to the principal first. Just in case some illegal things are going on and the kids don't want to get in trouble. I think we should all go undercover."

Aussie: "That will never work!"

Blackman: "Whossey, what do you think we should do?"

Whossey: "Well, any person with an IQ over 70, mine is more than twice that by the way, knows that we should go undercover to see if the kids are dying from drugs or something, and don't want to get caught using."

Aussie: "Genius!"

Blackman: "This is all stupid if you ask me."

Whossey: "Well no one asked you! Now, let's go into the hallway and think of a plan. And none of you can enter through the doors before me! Just because I'm cursed with a bad leg doesn't mean I have to be behind everyone! I am the leader here, and I demand that you keep my pace!"

In the hallway

Whossey: "All right, it's lunch time. Let's go to the cafeteria and ask some students personal and irrelevant questions. But first I think that we should all brainstorm some possible reasons for their deaths. And when I say 'we', I mean 'I'. I'm the only one who could brainstorm anything anyway. I'm the only one here with a brain."

Cameranne: "Alright, and I'll write ideas down on the white boa—"

Cameranne frantically looks for a white board in the hall, sees that there is none, and starts crying.

Cameranne: "Oh, God! There's no white board here! My life has no purpose! What am I to the Useless Team without dry erase board markers in my hand??"

Whossey: "You're the slut. Now shut up! Let me think…"

Hooker Boss: "Drugs?"

Blackman: "Suicide?"

Aussie: "Carbon monoxide leaks?"

Cameranne: "Brain tumors?"

Hooker Boss: "Maybe it's Lupus."

Whossey: "Oh, my God!" It is never Lupus! Stop asking if it's Lupus! You all say that every freaking episode, I mean day, and it is never ever Lupus! God! You're so stupid!"

Hooker Boss and Cameranne cry together.

In the cafeteria

Whossey sees a teenage guy and sits down with him.

Whossey: "You hear about the dead kid?"

Teenage guy starts to cry.

Whossey: "Oh, don't be such a girl. Just tell me how they died. Was it drugs? It was drugs wasn't it? What kind of drugs? Heroin? Crack? Speed? It was Speed wasn't it?"

Teenage guy: "He was my best friend! Cry He never did drugs! None of them did!"

Whossey: "…So, you don't have any Speed on you then? I was…you know, just wondering of course…Drugs are bad! Except for Vikadin. And Morphine. And occasionally Pot…Stay in school!"

Whossey leaves table and calls Useless Team into the hallway.

Whossey: "Alright, Useless Team. There's something going on here…something the kids are hiding. It's probably drugs. Even though the kid I spoke to denied it. But all teenagers do drugs! All of them!"

Cameranne: "I never did any."

Whossey: "No, you just slept with everyone."

Aussie: "Hey! Leave her alone!"

Cameranne: "Oh, my God, Aussie! You leave me alone! I will never love you!"

Blackman: "Moving on!"

Hooker Boss: "All the students I talked to showed signs of Lupus…"

Whossey: "It's never Lupus!"

Aussie: "All the students I talked to also showed symptoms. Fatigue, headaches, fever, hair loss…"

Hooker Boss: "Joint and muscle pain, skin rashes, sensitivity to light…"

Cameranne: "Inflammation of the pecicarditis, depression, swollen glands…"

Blackman: "Inflammation of blood vessels in the skin, a change in weight…"

Hooker Boss: "I think they all have Lupus…"

Whossey: "No! None of them do! No one ever gets Lupus! It's never Lupus!"

Suddenly, the principal and three security guards walk over to where Useless Team is standing in the hallway.

Principal: "Excuse me, do any of you have a visitor pass? We've had complaints that there were strangers walking around our school, and that's illegal. These security guards are going to have to escort you out of here."

Whossey: "We're investigating the 'mysterious' deaths of your students! Do you know why your students are dying?? Are you in on it?? Are you their drug dealer??"

Principal: "I'm the principal here at 'Lupus Patient High School'. We're a school where unfortunate teenagers with Lupus can come and go to high school like normal kids. I'm aware that the students are dying, and we're very sad. Sometimes Lupus treatments don't work and kids pass away."

Whossey: "…but no one ever has Lupus…"

Principal: "Everyone here has Lupus. Now get the hell off the grounds or I'll call the police."

Useless Team leaves, everyone is sad and depressed, except of course our very macho Whossey, who is too good for tears. They get into Cameranne's car and start driving back to the hospital.

Hooker Boss: "…That's just so sad. I feel so bad for all those kids…"

Cameranne: "But at least they go to school like normal teenagers…"

Blackman: "I just don't understand why God would do such a thing like that to all those innocent kids…Is there even a God?"

Aussie: "I don't know, Blackman…I don't know. How could he just let them all die? It really makes me appreciate my life more…"

Whossey points out the window.

Whossey: "Oh! A Wendy's!"

End

Author's Note 2: Do you have any things you want to be in Whossey? Something you want Whossey to do? (Let's keep it something we could actually have him do. We want no, 'Whossey fights a kangaroo' messages). Is there an episode you want us to parody? Sometimes these things don't come to us right away, and that's why it will take a while to update sometimes. So if you want us to write something, just tell us. Otherwise you can just wait for our brilliant minds to think of something.

One episode waits to be typed, and I have another that just needs writing down. So updating should be soon!

Thanks,

Ryan