Lavender Brown was a planner. Not in the usual sense, she did not often spend her time making up lists of things to do and planning out her goals in life, where should be in a few years and other things of the like. However, she was a planner.
Lavender Brown had a certain idea of when and how she would fall in love. She knew at what time every little general progression of the natural course of falling in love should take place. She knew when she'd have her first kiss, her first boyfriend, her first love. Lavender Brown in short, knew what she wanted and when, or at least, in her love life.
However, life did not tend to follow Lavender's well-constructed plans.
In her childhood, Lavender's mother would often regal her with tales of her own love life rather than the common fairy tales. This was when Lavender's ideas of love began to shape and when she began to fall in love with love.
Therefore in her fourth year when lavender noted with a slight annoyance that she had yet to be kissed, despite the fact that all of her friends, particularly her best friend Parvarti Patil, had already been kissed, she knew she had to do something.
When Lavender put her mind to something it became near impossible for her not to achieve it. Would that she applied this dedication and stubbornness to her school work, her father often said, but to his continuing disappointment she did not. Instead she focused on that kiss. The first kiss she had heard about in every romance story, the kiss of which Parvarti had divulged the details of in a giggling frenzy late one Thursday night.
That kiss, Lavender was certain, she would obtain, and soon. For experiencing her first kiss at any time but at fourteen did not meet her carefully crafted time tables, and there would be hell to pay if her love life did not go perfectly to plan. For whatever reason boys just didn't seem to be interested in her, a problem that plagued her often a lot in life. She wouldn't let that get her down, however. Just because no boy seemed to want to kiss her at that moment didn't mean she could not achieve the kiss.
She puzzled over the dilemma for a few weeks, aware that the lack of a boy was a serious obstacle, but she knew that if she tried hard enough, thought long enough, she could find a way around it. Finally. After a week or two of consideration she came to the perfect conclusion.
A few days later she enacted her plan. She was sitting in the Common Room, reading one of her favorite books when the boy she wished to speak to happened to sit down. Given that Lavender was a big believer in the phrase 'no time like the present' she offered a small smile to her book before looking up nonchalantly.
"Seamus?" She called quietly, keeping her eyes on the book.
"Yeah Lavender?" He replied, glancing up in surprise from the work he had been doing.
"Have you had your first kiss yet?" She inquired as if the idea had just occurred to her and she had not been planning on it for days.
"No." Seamus answered with a shrug, unconcerned with the idea, most of the boys in Gryffindor had not had their first kiss yet and he honestly didn't care.
"Hm. Me either." Lavender replied before going back to her book.
For a few minutes they sat in silence, lavender reading and Seamus working on his homework before Lavender decided she'd waited the appropriate time and lifted her head up again.
"Seamus?" She called casually for the second time.
"Lavender?" Seamus answered looking up from his homework again, confused why the girl was talking to him again.
"Do you want to have your first kiss?" She asked, eyes never leaving her book.
"Is that a question or an invitation?" Seamus joked.
"Depends." Lavender answered, still staring at her book.
"Depends on what?" He asked.
"Depends on if you're interested, of course." Lavender explained, glancing from her book to look at him.
"Well, all right." Seamus answered finally, seeing no harm in agreeing.
"You have to kiss me first though." Lavender declared after a few seconds of silence. "The girl never kisses first."
"What?" Seamus replied. "Why doesn't the girl kiss first?"
"Because it's not proper. The girl doesn't take the initiative to start the kiss. Ever." Lavender proclaimed, this was law in every novel she'd ever read.
"Even after she asks the other person if they want to kiss?" Seamus inquired with a raised eyebrow. "Does that follow the 'rules'?"
Lavender paused for a second to consider this before glaring at Seamus.
"Shut up." She told him. "It doesn't matter how the kiss happens, but the guy has to kiss first."
"Fine." Seamus relented rolling his eyes at Lavender's weird rules.
They sat in silence for a few seconds, Seamus going back to working as his homework, and Lavender sitting patiently waiting. After a few minutes she got fed up.
"Well?" She demanded staring at a startled Seamus who hadn't been expecting the outburst.
"Well what?" He asked putting his quill down once again.
"Are you going to kiss me?" Lavender inquired with a hint of annoyance.
"Now?" Seamus replied as if the thought hadn't occurred to him. "But I'm doing my homework!"
"No, not now. How about in a few years when we're married?" Lavender retorted with a roll of her eyes. "I mean, separately, not together. I'm not crazy."
Seamus let out a laugh at her quick clarification as Lavender turned a slight pink in embarrassment.
"Oh you know what I meant." She remarked hotly.
They sat in silence for a few more minutes, the only sounds the general noise of the common room and Seamus scratching away on his homework. Finally, a very impatient Lavender coughed.
"Merlin Lavender, I'm not going to kiss you while I'm sitting here doing my homework and you're giving me the evil eye." Seamus proclaimed finally anger edging into his voice.
"Why not?" Lavender snapped in annoyance, mad her plan did not seem to be working.
"Because I know you Lavender and I know that you're going to want to look back on your first kiss and remember it with a lot more class and romanticism than all this." Seamus stated gesturing at the lackluster surroundings.
"Fine." Lavender pouted, getting up and storming out of the room.
Lavender was not having a good day. She had woken up late after staying up to finish a potions essay she had forgotten about until Hermione made an offhand comment about it before heading down to dinner. Upon waking up late Lavender had had to skip breakfast to show up to Transfiguration on time, wherein she discovered that she had forgotten her book.
She had been forced to share with her desk partner, a snot nosed Hufflepuff who kept leering at her the whole lesson. The rest of the day had only gone hill from there. On her way to lunch she had ran into and knocked over a fit Durmstrang boy, leaving her flustered and extremely embarrassed.
To make matters worse, in her attempt to clean up her stuff as fast as possible and apologize profusely to the boy, she had somehow managed to misplace the potions essay that she had caused all of the trouble in the first place, and therefore resulted in a sneering look from Snape and another failed grade.
At lunch, which Lavender had been looking forward to all day due to having skipped breakfast, Parvarti hung all over her current boyfriend, a Ravenclaw the year above them who was absolutely perfect. Their displays of affection, although absolutely adorable, only reminded Lavender of her own seemingly perpetual loneliness. Therefore, depressed, Lavender only picked halfheartedly at her food, no longer in the mood to eat as Parvarti fawned over the boy.
By Care of Magical Creatures Lavender was absolutely done. She was starving, upset, annoyed, and covered in dirt thanks to Hagrid's new idea for a fun assignment. All she wanted to do was curl up in a hole somewhere and die, preferably after a shower, but she had been doing poorly in Herbology and for extra credit had promised to help Professor Sprout tend to the mandrakes the second years were working on.
Lavender had hated mandrakes in her second year, and tending to them only rekindled the hatred she had felt two years ago. As a general rule of thumb, Lavender hated anything that spent it's time and dirt, and mandrakes added a whole realm of annoyance as Lavender could not, no matter how she tried, pull off the ear muffs that were required when working with them.
After what seemed like hours, Lavender was finally free from her day's duties, but the mandrakes had taken longer than Professor Sprout had thought they would and Lavender noted that she was incredibly late to dinner. She had the choice to either rush through dinner and look like a pig, only accentuated by the fact that she was still covered in dirt, or go take a shower and try and forget the day had ever happened.
Despite her great desire to be warm and clean, Lavender didn't want to deal with the long climb up the stairs to the Gryffindor common room and instead decided to head toward her favorite spot along the Black Lake, where the rocks formed a perfect little mini-bench for her to sit on. It was too cold to dip her feet in, but it was relaxing at least and Lavender could feel the days troubles melt away a little. There was something about the quiet serenity of the lake that always made everything seem better.
She sat there for a while, waiting until she felt cold enough that she had to face the long trek back to the showers, her stomach growling every now and then. She hummed to herself softly, enjoying the sounds of the night life slowly waking up as the sun descended further down the sky, splaying reds and oranges across the lake.
Behind her a twig snapped, breaking the relative silence, and Lavender jumped, turning around to see the source of the sound.
"I brought some food." Seamus offered, holding up a plate of food in offering.
"Hullo, Seamus." Lavender smiled, moving over on the rocks to make room for Seamus. "Thank Merlin for that, I haven't eaten all day. I'm absolutely starving."
"I figured you might be." Seamus said, sitting down. "You know you're absolutely covered in dirt?"
"Yes, but the common room is so far away." Lavender whined. "I was just going to wait until I either got too cold to be out here anymore or died from starvation."
"It takes a while to die of starvation." Seamus pointed out.
"I didn't say that was the likely option, just one of them." Lavender retorted with a smile. "I don't think food has ever tasted so good."
"Tends to feel that way when you haven't eaten in a while." Seamus agreed.
They fell into a comfortable silence as Lavender finished up the food Seamus had brought down.
"Pretty." Seamus said, nodding towards the setting sun.
"Oh I know. It's absolutely perfect, isn't it?" Lavender agreed with a wistful smile.
"Something like that." Seamus remarked.
Lavender glanced at him and met his eyes; suddenly the setting sun and the fact that she was covered in dirt seemed incredibly less important.
"Oh." She muttered as Seamus leaned closer.
Her eyes fluttered closed and her lips met Seamus'. It only lasted for a moment, a slow small kiss, before they broke apart and returned to their own personal bubbles, but Lavender was aware that is was absolutely perfect, the sort of fairytale moment every first kiss ought to be. She smiled softly to herself and got up.
"I think I might be ready to face those stairs now, care to join me?" She asked, picking up her stuff and holding out a hand as Seamus got up as well.
"I don't see why not." He agreed, taking her hand and heading back to the castle.
Lavender smiled to herself, swinging Seamus' hand lightly, as she secured the moment in her memory, a moment she knew she would never forget. She couldn't wait to tell Parvarti.
Lavender Brown's life was over. Most girls were excited, giggling all over themselves and prancing around in groups discussing dresses and dates. Lavender wanted to join them, standing in her own little group with her friends, but in the back of her mind she was aware that it had been hard enough to find someone to kiss her, it would be near impossible to find someone willing to ask her to the Yule Ball.
She wouldn't let her apparent repulsiveness to the opposite sex get her down however, she would find someone to take her and in any case she was much better off than Parvarti, who had broken up with her older boy only a few weeks prior. Parvarti was still broken up over it, and she couldn't even focus on the fact that now she had to find someone else to take her to the Yule Ball. Lavender had been there for her, holding her hand, bringing her ice cream, offering words of encouragement, and now she'd help her friend secure a date to the Yule Ball.
Everyone seemed to be in a tizzy over the whole thing, boys were trying to get the prettiest girls to go with them, and girls were holding out for the boy of their dreams. Hogwarts was completely abuzz and despite the fact that not a single boy had approached Lavender yet, besides a third year boy who had more just wanted to get in on the festivities, she loved it.
Lavender loved dances. She loved Valentine's Day. She loved the feeling of love and happiness in the air. The way everyone got all worked up, spent longer looking just perfect in anticipation for that special moment. She loved the big gestures; the way boys would go out of their way to ask a girl out, to beat any of the other possible suitors. Even if it wasn't directed at her, she could appreciate the effort and happiness of others.
She was therefore rather disappointed when her friend Parvarti agreed to double with Padma, Harry, and Ron. From her understanding of the whole proposition, which was quite well since Parvarti had excitedly relayed the whole transaction as soon as she could get Lavender alone, it was rather lacking in the romantic department. She had hoped something grander, and frankly someone more attractive, for her friend who she thought deserved it, but she supposed as long as she was happy.
Lavender kept her mouth shut about how Harry Potter and Ron Weasley weren't exactly the best catches at Hogwarts. Harry Potter, on one hand had the whole star quality about him, but Ron Weasley for Pete's sake! She instead listened with a happy smile as her friend divulged all the details, happy at least that Parvarti was happy, and now that she knew that Parvarti was taken care of, Lavender could worry about herself.
It was about time too, because the pickings were beginning to become rather grim. As she had expected the more fit older guys had gone for the attractive older girls, and that left Lavender with rather unfortunate choices. Not that it seemed anyone was really jumping out to take her. She was beginning to reconsider the third years offer; he had been kind of cute in a little brother sort of way at least, when an idea came to her.
Lavender sat in the Common Room, reading the required pages for History of Magic and highlighting important information. The new Weird Sister's song was stuck in her head as Parvarti had been blasting it every time it came on the radio all week, and she hummed it softly as she read about the goblin rebellion with a morbid interest. She much preferred the wars that were fought over love, but there was something oddly romantic and hauntingly beautiful about history and the people whose lives were now incased only in her books, half remembered.
She was reading about a rather peculiar character, who in the picture sported an impressive handlebar mustache and had been vital for improving goblin relations when the boy she had been meaning to talk to happened to wander in and take his favorite spot on the couch. She watched over the top of her book as he pulled out his own books and set to work on some essay.
She focused on her own homework for a while, enjoying Vladimir Darrow's victories and clever thinking, until she reached the end of the section and glanced up to check the boy in question was still there.
"Seamus?" She called nonchalantly, picking up a highlighter and highlighting a sentence which after consideration she had decided was important.
"Lavender?" He asked in response, glancing up at her from his work. "You're actually reading the pages Binns assigned?"
"I happen to find History of Magic interesting. There's something hauntingly beautiful about all these people and facts. They really helped our society, the least we can do is care about who they were." Lavender replied defensively.
"Yeah but Binns is so boring." Seamus complained.
"Well you have me there." Lavender agreed, laughing.
They fell into a silence as Lavender tried to figure out a way to Segway into what she had intended to ask before Seamus had taken her off topic. After a minute or so she decided that saying it was the best she could do.
"So are you staying over the Christmas Break to go to the Yule Ball?" She asked conversationally.
"Yeah, my mum wouldn't have let me go home even if I had wanted to." Seamus answered absentmindedly. "You?"
"Yeah. It seemed like it could be fun." Lavender said with a shrug smiling to herself. "Asked anyone yet then?"
"Nope." He answered almost instantly, not glancing up from his work.
"No one?" Lavender balked, having had assumed he would have at least bothered to ask someone if he didn't already have a date. "Like you haven't even bothered to ask a single girl?"
"Nope."
"No one?" She asked again, incredulous. "You haven't asked a single person? It's only a few more weeks until Christmas you know."
"I know. It's just not that big of a deal is it?" Seamus answered with a shrug.
"What? Not that? Pardon?" Lavender demanded, now confused.
"Well it's only a dance; it's not exactly the end of the world if you don't have a date." Seamus stated plaintively.
"Um. Yeah it is." Lavender argued, sitting up and closing her textbook. "It's a dance; you're supposed to have a date!"
"Well do you have a date?" Seamus asked to Lavender's chagrin.
"No. But that is beside the point!" Lavender declared.
"But it's a dance Lavender; you're supposed to have a date." Seamus deadpanned, looking at her with mock wide eyes.
"It's not my fault if the only one who asked me was a stupid third year who only wanted to get into the dance!" Lavender shrieked in defense.
"And you said no? It's a dance Lavender; you're supposed to have a date." Seamus goaded with a bemused smile on his face.
"Well I was going to suggest we go together but never mind that now. I don't think I even want to go to the stupid dance." Lavender bit, getting up and pounding towards the stairs. "Dances are so stupid anyways; I might as well just go home after all."
Lavender glared angrily at the carpet as another girl shrieked in excitement as a boy asked her to the Yule Ball. Meanwhile Lavender was stuck with beautiful dress robes and no one to take her. Even her roommate bloody Hermione Granger had a date, and she was a well-known wallflower. Lavender had no idea how this had happened to her, she had always thought she was relatively pretty, maybe not the most attractive girl in school but attractive enough to at least warrant some male attention.
She'd thought she'd had an appealing personality as well, girly and light the kind of thing the characters in her books and fairy tales liked, but maybe life wasn't a fairy tale, and Lavender wasn't a princess. She sighed and burrowed further under her blanket, curling up in her favorite arm chair in the Gryffindor Common Room.
She continued to stare at the floor in angsty silence, trying to decipher what it was that she could have done wrong in her life to make herself so unappealing when a familiar shadow made an appearance across her carpet view.
"Yes?" She bit, refusing to look up and an attempt to make it evident that she was still angry.
"You left your History of Magic book here the other day." Seamus said, offering the book.
"Thanks." Lavender snapped, withdrawing a hand from her blanket and grabbing the book, flipping it open absentmindedly. "You can go now."
Seamus disappeared to the other side of the Common Room where Dean was seated with a shrug and Lavender focused her gaze on the book, deciding that reading was better than sitting there and having a pity party. It would at least get her mind off of her complete repulsiveness.
After about an hour and a half Lavender drew to the end of the chapter. She flipped mindlessly through the chapter review, questions and vocab, until her eyes fell on a messy handwriting that filled up the previously empty space below the last of the important vocabulary words. Lavender blinked in confusion and noted that some Lavender's were drawn around the note. Curious, she pushed back a strand of hair, pulled her blanket closely and read the words.
Lavender,
In a couple hundred years we may be dead and gone, without having done anything impressive enough to warrant us a page in the history books, but one day someone else will buy this book, and I want them to wonder who exactly Lavender Brown was, and why was Seamus Finnigan so keen to ask her to the Yule Ball? You're the kind of girl that deserves to be remembered Lav. You definitely deserve to have a date to the Yule Ball. It's a dance after all; you have to have a date!
So, will you go to the Yule Ball with me?
Seamus Finnigan, obviously.
Lavender shrieked and dropped the book, causing it to thump loudly on the floor. Drawing her blanket around her, Lavender got up and glanced around the common room and found that Seamus was long gone. Determined, she walked to the boy's staircase and made her way to the fourth year boy's dorm.
The door was closed when she got there, and she knocked impatiently, hoping that someone was inside.
"Come in?" A voice called from the other side of the door.
Lavender threw the door open and padded inside, glancing around and finding the boy she was looking for.
"Seamus." She said, stopping in front of his bed and adjusting her blanket.
"Lavender." He replied raising an eyebrow. "No longer mad at me are you?"
"No. I am. You defaced my book. That's just rude." Lavender reprimanded mock-angrily. "However, in light of recent events, I am going to forgive you."
"Oh well that's good." Seamus remarked. "Wouldn't happen to have an answer for me as well would you?"
"Yes, obviously." Lavender answered, before turning around and walking out of the room, a smile on her face.
Fifth year passed by rather uneventfully for Lavender Brown. With Umbridge practically forbidding relationships there was no point trying to start anything, and in any case she was rather busy with Dumbledore's Army and studying for her OWLs. In fifth year for once, Lavender had decided that school was more important than her love life and she focused on her studies. She did quite well on her OWLs and in her sixth year, still happy about her educational success, Lavender decided it was about time she got a proper boyfriend.
Sixth year, however, brought a number of surprises. In fifth year puberty had finally started to kick in in a helpful way, and Lavender found that her rather lacking chest had begun to fill out quite nicely, and by sixth year she felt as though her chances for attracting guys were probably much more likely as she was no longer the scrawny little girl who wore a bit too much make up.
The other rather big surprise was just how attractive Ron Weasley had become seemingly overnight. If Lavender recalled correctly the boy had left fifth year his usual awkward looking self and had, apparently over the summer, filled out into a strapping young man. And hell if Lavender wasn't going to try and date this new fit Ron Weasley.
In some ways he seemed like the perfect first boyfriend. It was inevitable that they would break up; he was after all clearly in love with Hermione Granger, so she didn't really have to worry about marrying him, which was a big nono as it was against the rules to marry your first boyfriend. On top of that, he was still enough of a prat that she figured she could have a proper relationship.
It was a rather tactical choice, she supposed, although if she was honest with herself the main driving factors were that he was bloody fit, and he played Quidditch. Plus Lavender reckoned he looked like he'd be pretty good at snogging.
Equipped with her much more appealing physique and a year of pent up flirtation Lavender found it rather easy to become attached to Ron. It wasn't a perfect relationship, and admittedly they spent most of their time snogging more than anything, but it was good fun and that's all Lavender had ever really wanted. A fun, easy relationship, where they both thought that maybe they were in love but they weren't really.
But then Ron Weasley had gone and screwed it up. Rather belatedly Lavender realized that dating a boy who was so obviously in love with another girl would only end up creating more pain for her. It became quite evident that Ron was more using her than anything else to make Hermione jealous, and would blow her off if given the chance to be around Hermione.
So, as she was want to do, Lavender over reacted. Scared that her perfect first relationship was slipping away from her, and a little miffed that yet again a boy seemed more interested in anyone else but her, Lavender tried to win Ron over. It was silly. She didn't love him, if she was honest she probably didn't even like him that much, but for whatever reason she wasn't going to let him go, so she began to try to prove her love, to win him over with romantic gestures and prove to him that she cared more than Hermione seemed to.
In short, she came on too strong. The more ridiculous she acted the more she knew how stupid she was being, she knew it was doomed, but for whatever reason she couldn't just let it go. After a while it became more about her pride than about the relationship, which was ludicrous as she was basically throwing away all of her dignity trying to win over a boy who from the beginning she knew could never really be hers.
By the time Ron muttered Hermione's name in the Hospital Wing Lavender was almost glad. The tears were less for how heartbroken she was, but more for how stupid she'd been acting. She was embarrassed. She'd made an idiot out of herself for no good reason, for a boy she barely even liked.
She hadn't been able to look Ron, Hermione, or Harry straight in the eye for the rest of the year, but in the end she didn't regret it. Despite the fact that it had gone completely out of control, she was happy for the relationship. It had been the kind of messed up perfect relationship, the kind of experience one grew from. A lesson in love. Sometimes it was just time to let go, no matter how hard she fought, it wasn't always meant to be. Sometimes it was important to accept the end, rather than to keep fighting against the inevitable.
It took a while, for the first few months Lavender was simply mortified when she looked back on the relationship, but over time she became accepting of the outcome, and appreciated it for what it was. However, the amount of energy she had poured into maintaining a relationship had exhausted her and she decided to take a break. She hung up her quest for love for a while, and poured herself once again into her studies.
She still stayed up gossiping with Parvarti about boys and appreciating the little gestures, and she still loved Valentine's Day, but she didn't take part herself. For once in her life, Lavender Brown didn't want a relationship, she wasn't worried about the next step in her quest for the perfect love life, she just enjoyed being single, enjoyed her friends' happiness, and sixth year passed by relatively well.
By seventh year, however, Lavender was done. Over her summer vacation she had met a boy and had a summer fling that had done much better than her relationship with Ron Weasley, but had advanced her no further. It was thus at the seventh year, that despite the war that was right on her doorstep, that Lavender was painfully aware of the fact that the majority of her friends were no longer virgins and she was still woefully inexperienced.
She fought for a while over whether or not a one night stand would be proper way of going about losing her virginity, but it didn't seem right. You were supposed to lose your virginity to someone you loved, that was what her mother had said, and what her stories had told her and Lavender couldn't compromise those beliefs no matter what.
Finding a boyfriend she loved however, proved difficult. Especially since she was still having difficulty actually finding a boyfriend.
Finally, she came to a compromise.
Sitting in the Common Room, in her favorite chair, Lavender sat spaced out. She was staring at the fire, watching the flames eat up the wood and considering life. Thing were becoming a lot more serious and it was becoming significantly harder for her to justify her light personality under such harsh conditions. Wasn't it stupid to pretend everything was fine and dandy, to obsess over finding love when the world was full of hate? She figured though, that she had to try. If only to keep her mind over the harsh realities of the world.
"You all right there Lav?" Seamus asked from the couch, looking up from the spell book he had been studying.
"Hmm?" Lavender replied, blinking out of her daze. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking."
Seamus nodded and went back to his book.
Lavender smiled to herself. She had to at least try. It might be stupid to try and find love when everything else seemed lost, but she was seventeen and even at eleven Lavender knew by seventeen she ought to be losing her virginity. And even if Seamus wasn't necessarily someone she was in love, not in that way, she loved him and they had a special sort of friendship. Somehow it seemed like it'd be okay. It wouldn't be a one night stand, not really. So it would count.
"Seamus?" Lavender called, breaking the silence.
"Lavender?" Seamus answered a raised brow as he waited for the next question that was sure to follow.
"You wouldn't happen to still be a virgin, would you Seamus?" Lavender inquired conversationally.
"No, Lavender." Seamus said getting up.
"No?" Lavender asked, turning to look at him, slightly disappointed.
She supposed it didn't really matter if he was or not, but she had kind of liked the idea of them losing their virginity together at least. In the back of her mind she couldn't help but wonder who exactly it was that he had lost his virginity to then.
"I mean, no Lavender. I'm not going to have sex with you so you can tick another box off your chart." Seamus clarified with a shake of his head. "I respect myself and you a bit too much for that."
"I never said I wanted to have sex with you!" Lavender cried, standing up and becoming defensive at the rejection. "I was only making conversation. Merlin."
Seamus looked at her dubiously.
"It's not my fault if your mind is all focused on sex. I don't know where you even got the idea that I'd want to sleep with you." Lavender bit harshly, trying not to let his rejection hurt too much.
"Don't even start to pretend, Lav. We've been playing this game for years now. We both know how it goes. I've put up with it until now, but frankly that's a little far even for you. Sex should mean something and I'm not just going to stand here waiting around, being your last resort when no one else is interested." Seamus argued. "Like I said, I have a bit too much respect for myself for that, and I had thought you'd had too much respect for yourself to go this far, but I guess I was wrong."
A silence hung between them for a few seconds as Lavender reminded herself not to cry.
"Fuck you then." She finally stammered out before storming off.
"I'm afraid that won't be happening." Seamus yelled after her, before she disappeared up the stairs.
Seamus stumbled into the Common Room, covered in bruises and barely recognizable. At the ruckus Lavender glanced up from her favorite chair and got up to help him to the couch. Seamus had just gotten back from another detention with the Carrows for stupidly standing up to them. Lavender clucked her tongue admonishingly as he sat down, and she began working on casting some light healing charms.
"Shay, how many times have I told you just to behave?" She asked with a shake of her head as she fixed his once again broken nose.
"I can't just sit there and take their shit Lav; I don't know how you can." He replied.
"Because I've tried that and I learned my lesson. It's easier to try and stay under their radar. It wouldn't kill you to try at least." Lavender answered, pausing from fixing up Seamus to rub her hands where scars remained from her own experience with the Carrows.
In six months a lot had changed. Lavender had quickly given up her stupid foolish attempts at finding a stupid true love and having a fairy tale life. The thing about fairy tales was, she had realized, that they weren't real and they never would be. The only happiness in life was what she herself could make in it and expecting a Prince Charming to come out of nowhere and have the perfect relationship was complete rubbish.
That Lavender Brown six months ago had almost completely disappeared, she had stopped wearing ribbons in her hair and caring about boys and looks, instead of focusing on the right outfit Lavender had focused on learning healing spells and staying as far from the Carrows and Snape as possible. She no longer thought history was romantic. The people in her old text books were just lucky bastards who were no longer alive to experience the hell she lived every day and the ones that had lived through wars and lost loved ones she felt were kindred spirits. They understood what it was to wake up every day and no know if it was your last, if you were going to lose someone, if you would end the day in one piece.
She hated the girl that she was, frivolous and stupid, naïve to the world. She had learned fast though. Any last remnants of that girl had died when she had spoken up in class when the Carrows, she could no longer remember which one it was they had both melded together in her mind, had been all but torturing Hannah Abbot. Lavender had always liked Hannah and she had done nothing wrong, so she had spoken up, and she had paid for that dumb mistake. The last remnants of old Lavender had faded when the Carrows had nailed her hands to that desk.
Most of her foolish hair ribbons she had used as bandages for herself and her fellow Gryffindors, most were splattered with blood and healing ointments. Lavender had grown up a lot in the past few months, and not necessarily for the better. In some ways her old light personality would have been helpful in the environment of fear that was a constant at Hogwarts, but she had grown up and it was this Lavender that took care of Seamus when he came back to the Common Room covered in bruises almost every day.
"You have to at least try to behave, Shay." She chided as she finished healing him as best she could. "I don't think I'd be able to recognize you on the street anymore you've got so many bumps and bruises.
"I can't just sit there Lavender. I don't know how you can just take that, watch your friends get beaten and punished and not say anything. I just can't, it isn't fair and I have to stand up for them, because no one else will." Seamus tried to explain for the hundredth time, they had the conversation almost every night and neither could ever see the other's point of view. "Besides, I'll always have you to pick up the pieces and put me back together."
Lavender rolled her eyes as he smiled at her and took a seat on the couch herself.
"Not always. What if I don't come back after Easter? What about when we graduate? If we graduate. I'm not always going to be here Shay; you need to take care of yourself." She said.
"Nah, you wouldn't leave me." Seamus stated with a smile, causing Lavender only to shake her head.
Restless, she got up and fluffed a throw pillow on the couch.
"You should try and rest a bit." She decided, lightly pushing Seamus into a laying position on the couch. "I can get some food if you're hungry and you can use my blanket if you get cold, just try not to get blood on it. Do you have enough pillows? I can get-."
"Lavender calm down, I'm fine." Seamus cut her off, laughing. "If anyone needs to rest it's you."
Lavender ignored him and grabbed her blanket from the chair she had vacated upon his arrival, and bringing it over to put on him.
"I think I have some food in my room. It's not much, but it's better than risking going to the kitchens. I'll have to ask Neville or someone to get more; it's always good to have some spare food. Maybe I can ask a house elf when they come to clean up." She said mostly to herself as she tucked Seamus into the couch.
"Lavender. Lavender, stop. Just sit down for five seconds, will you?" Seamus asked, grabbing Lavender's arms and pulling her onto the couch. "Lavender."
"Seamus." Lavender replied, blinking as she was forced to look him straight in the eyes. "Look at your face! Why can't you just behave for one day! You're going to get yourself killed if you don't stop being so stupid, you know. And then where will I be, hmm? If you go and get yourself killed, which you will if you keep acting like this mind, then I'll be left with no one. Parvarti and Padma never came back and Dean is on the run, I suppose I'll have Neville but he doesn't really need me. Luna never came back and I don't think Ginny likes me much to be honest. So really, all I have is you and if you get yourself killed then I'll be alone. Would you leave me here all alone just because you can't keep your stupid Gryffindor mouth shu-?"
Lavender was cut off from her tirade abruptly as Seamus' lips came crashing onto her's in a harsh, heated kiss. For a few seconds Lavender let herself enjoy the kiss, before coming to her senses and pulling away.
"Seamus." She chided once again. "I've told you time and again to stop doing that. I don't know why you insist on kissing me when you know it only will cause more trouble for the both of us. If the Carrows were to find out then-."
"Lavender, for Godric's sake, shut up." Seamus ordered. "Talking about me not shutting my mouth, Merlin."
"Well you use your mouth to get into trouble! While I am trying to hold a conversation. Honestly, if your mother had known how much trouble your mouth would get you in she'd have had it sewn up when you-." Lavender rambled in her own defense before Seamus cut her off with a kiss again.
"Lavender. Shut. Up." Seamus said between kisses.
Despite herself Lavender couldn't help but kiss him back, no matter how she tried to fight it. For a few minutes they lay there, kissing as if their lives depended on it, raged harsh kisses, as Seamus cut lips met Lavender's own. However, Lavender came to her senses once again and pulled away, using all her energy to stop kissing the boy.
"Stop that!" She said sharply, trying to move further away from him.
"Stop kissing me back." He replied a cheeky smile on his face.
"I am." She retorted. "It's just your mouth causing trouble again."
"My mouth is a gift and a curse." Seamus remarked.
"I'm not seeing the gift part at all." Lavender bit.
"No? So you don't like kissing me then?" Seamus asked, pouting.
"Will you stop acting like a five year old?" Lavender reprimanded. "This is a war. People are dying, you're out almost killing yourself every day, the least you could do is grow up and stop joking around all the time!"
"Is that what you did?" He inquired.
"Grow up? Yes."
"Then no thanks. I don't want to lose my sense of humor it's the only thing that can get me through this. You'd probably be less worried all the time if you hadn't 'grown up'. If that's what we're calling your dropping your beliefs." He answered, becoming serious. "Sometimes I miss the old Lavender."
"Seamus." Lavender warned.
"I mean, I still like you, but I miss the old Lavender who cared about her friends and thought the world was beautiful and could find good in everything. I feel like she'd be coping a lot better with this shit situation we're in than you are now."
"Really? Because I don't think she was coping very well when the Carrows nailed her hands to her desk. But maybe you're right, a stupid distorted idea that everything is happy and pretty and love is all that matters would be so helpful in this situation right now." Lavender bit. "Do you want me to go back to, what did you call it, checking off boxes on my stupid chart? That shit doesn't matter Seamus. Who cares if I had the perfect first kiss or a good first boyfriend or if I'm a virgin? That doesn't get us through a war. That doesn't make you stop putting yourself in danger ever five seconds because of some messed up sense of chivalry. It doesn't help, so why should I waste my time worrying about it?"
"Because that's the stuff that makes all of this okay. That's the stuff that can keep our mind off the hell we're in. Why do you think I make so many jokes? It's the only way we can cope. And love does matter Lavender. It's all that we have. Why do you think I'm always risking my life and putting myself in harm's way? So that I know that the people I love aren't. There's only so much I can control and if one of those things is making sure you don't get your hands nailed to the desk again then I'll take any beating or cruciatius curse because at least I know that you and everyone else in this school is all right." Seamus replied, sitting up. "Love is the most important thing we have.
"Everyone we know is disappearing, Dean, Parvarti, Padma, Luna, so we need to love and appreciate each other while we can. In a month's time I don't know if you and Neville will still be here, if you'll come back after Easter break. I don't know if any of us will survive to the end of this school year let alone the end of this war, but I'm sure as hell going to make sure I appreciate every second we have and let you all know that you're important to me. Love is all we have. In a world so full of hate love is the only thing we have to make it okay, and you used to know that."
"I disagree." Lavender replied, getting up off the couch and attempting to walk away.
"You don't disagree, you're just too afraid to admit that I'm right, because admitting you care again will only lead to more pain. But it doesn't matter if you admit it or not, you can't pretend you don't care. If you could you wouldn't be here every day, fixing me up, kissing me back, telling me to stop putting myself in harm's way. You can pretend you don't care all you want but you know you do, and the sooner you admit to yourself the sooner you can start making sure that you make every moment count." Seamus argued, grabbing her arm and pulling her back down on the couch.
"It's not that simple." Lavender muttered, biting her lip and refusing to meet Seamus' eye.
"Yes. It really is, Lav. It's probably the simplest thing about this whole mess." Seamus encouraged, grabbing her hand reassuringly.
"It's not. Because they know, they know how to hurt us, who's the most important to us. They can zero in on our weaknesses and use the people we love the most to hurt us. Don't you get that? They don't have to actually punish us, they don't even have to touch us, they can just threaten the people we hold the dearest and get what they want. That's why I can't care." Lavender argued, picking her head up. "That's why I tell you every day to stop putting yourself in harm's way, because it's killing me Seamus. You come back here every day beaten and battered and all I can do is help put you back to better. I can't stop it; I couldn't even protect Hannah for Godric's sake.
"I can't care because when I do every cute and bruise kills me. The best I can do is pretend. Pretend that love isn't important that it's made up. I know it matters, all that matters, but it only causes more pain, and don't pretend it doesn't. Because I'm pretty sure that I love you and it kills me. Every fucking day it kills me because there's nothing, not a dammed thing that I can do, to protect you. I'm stuck picking up the pieces every day because of your stupid Gryffindor mouth. Because you're too much of an asshole, too much of a noble chivalrous bastard to let anyone else get hurt and there's nothing I can do to stop you. So don't sit here and tell me I don't know, because I do know Seamus and it's tearing me up inside."
"Lavender, I-." Seamus began to reply.
"Shut up, Seamus." Lavender cut him off.
"No. Lavender, I-." Seamus started again.
"Shut up, Seamus." Lavender warned.
"No. Stop cutting me off." Seamus argued. "Lavender, I-."
"Shut up, Seamus." Lavender ordered. "Don't say it. If you say it there's no going back."
"You said it; I'm going to say it." Seamus replied. "Lavender, I-."
"Seamus." Lavender warned one last time.
"I'm trying to say something important here if you don't mind." Seamus remarked. "I lo-."
Lavender cut him off with her lips, in the most desperate kiss of her life. If he uttered the three words that she knew he was going to say then they were doomed. There was no more pretending she didn't care. If he said those stupid three words then it would only hurt more when he came back beaten, it would only cause more worry, when he was off having detention. She couldn't afford to hear him say those words but he didn't seem too much care.
"Lavender, stop. It's my turn." Seamus ordered pulling away. "I want to say it and I'm going to say it so shut up. I know that everyday kills you, and I'm sorry but I can't just let others suffer when I'm there I'm sorry for what that puts you through but I just can't, and I'm sure you understand that. And you know what? You've been killing me for years. I don't know when it started but I'm pretty sure I've loved you ever since I knew you. In fourth year this scrawny brunette girl with too much make up on wanted her first kiss and for whatever reason no one wanted to give it to her.
"And as much as I didn't believe it she decided she wanted to have her first kiss with me. And you know what? She deserved a proper first kiss, one to go down in history, so I waited, as much as it killed me because Merlin did I want to kiss her, I waited until a day where she needed something good, when the moment was so 'absolutely perfect' that she would be telling her grandchildren about it. And I knew that was it, that I would probably not get a chance again, but that was okay. But it just so happened there was a dance coming up, and you have to have a date to a dance.
"I knew it wasn't likely, but I didn't much feel like taking anyone else, I'd rather go alone than ask another girl so I didn't. And then once again this beautiful, stupid girl is sitting in this stupid chair trying to be nonchalant and asking if I have a date. And I know she's only asking as a last resort really, that she probably doesn't care as much as I do, but if even for a moment I can be with this stupid idiotic girl who doesn't think guys like her then I'd take it.
"In fifth year I waited for her to make some stupid request, I didn't know what but I waited and waited and it never came and I thought maybe she'd found a proper guy, she didn't need me anymore, and that hurt but I understood. I tried to move on but it was never really the same, no one was that stupid brunette girl. And in sixth year she properly broke my heart. It became apparent she wanted a boyfriend and so I waited. I'd sit on that couch while she sat in her chair, and wait for her to make some remark but it never happened and she dated Ron Weasley.
"For whatever reason she dated Ron Weasley and he screwed her up. She tried too hard for a relationship that was doomed to fail and even if she didn't realize it then, it was the first chip away at the innocence that I admired so much in her. Because life wasn't the perfect dream world she wanted and for the first time she had to admit that.
"And in seventh year this stupid beautiful brunette girl was sitting in her stupid chair once again, asking for something I couldn't give her. I loved her and she deserved more than some stupid one off. And more than that it hurt to see how much little respect she had for herself, to just give up like that, and respect for me. But that wasn't the worst.
"The worst was watching this girl get her hands nailed to a desk, to give up everything for a friend and lose herself in the process. I still loved her, but it was the shell of her, she moved around in a trance for months, and the only time I could see her, the proper her was when she was taking care of someone. And finally after years and years of waiting and knowing it couldn't happen and losing her and finding her again, I can finally say, I love you. I love you Lavender and I probably always will."
"In seventh year, I asked this stupid Irish boy with stupid freckles and sandy hair if he wanted to have sex not because I had no respect for myself or for him or because I was desperate, but because I didn't want some stupid one night stand, but something that would mean something and even if I didn't quite know it, didn't completely understand my feelings I knew that losing my virginity to him would be absolutely perfect. In every way, it wouldn't be meaningless or stupid because he always made it mean something.
"In sixth year I chose Ron Weasley to be my first boyfriend because I knew it was doomed, because I know it would never really matter. It was the kind of inconsequential relationship that teenagers have, the proper kind of first boyfriend. The one maybe you could fool yourself into thinking you loved but never really did. As much as I considered it I didn't want this stupid Irish boy with all these dumb little freckles that drive me insane to be my first boyfriend because deep down I know that it would matter. That he wasn't the kind of boy that if I dated I couldn't love. He would be too good of a boyfriend and it would be too perfect and your first relationship isn't allowed to be perfect.
"In fourth year I needed a date to the Yule Ball and I knew that no matter what there was a boy, who even if he was too good for me and he could probably ask anyone to the dance, who would take me. Even if he was a complete idiot and he was covered in freckles he would be a perfect date and he'd understand my love for grand gestures and he'd ask me in the most absolutely perfect way.
"And in my fourth year I wanted my first kiss and even if I didn't know it at the time, I picked probably the best boy. At the time I thought he was my only friend, but I knew deep down, even if I wouldn't admit it, that there was potential for so much more, that he was the kind of boy that could give me stories worth telling my grandchildren about. So I waited in my chair for him to show up, and he did. With his stupid Irish face and his stupid Irish freckles he showed up and he refused to kiss me because it wasn't perfect. He made sure my first kiss was absolutely perfect and that was probably the moment when I fell in love with him.
"When he refused to kiss me when he was doing his homework and I was giving him the evil eye because he understood what I wanted, even better than I did." Lavender said a soft smile on her face. "Because you, Seamus Finnigan, are absolutely perfect, and even if it kills me, I love you."
"Obviously." Seamus remarked with a roll of his eyes.
"Don't be arrogant." Lavender ordered with a laugh. "Now if you don't mind, I think I'll kiss you."
Lavender sat in her apartment, curled up to her boyfriend with a smile on her face. Her life had been hard, it hadn't been the fairy tale she had dreamed of as a child, but it had been in its own way perfect. Seamus had stuck by her through everything, through the war, through the scars, both internal and external, through the attack, through the difficulty of finding a job in a post-world war. He had been there for her from the beginning, from her first kiss to now, and even if she hadn't always known it she really properly loved him for it.
"Lavender?" Seamus murmured into her hair.
"Seamus?" She replied.
"Have you ever been married?" He asked conversationally, as though the idea had just popped into his head.
"You know, I don't think I have." Lavender answered, a smile forming on her face.
"Well in that case," Seamus said shifting to the floor and getting on one knee. "Lavender Brown, will you marry me?"
"Obviously."
Disclaimer: I do not own any recognizable characters or names here, they all belong to JKR.