Dublin was a beautiful city and Ireland was a beautiful country. Craig knew this to be a fact. He'd read the brochures, he'd seen it on TV and he'd heard all about the wonders that this new place would have to offer him as he planned to leave everything he knew behind and move there.
Dublin was a rich and vibrant city filled with stunning architecture and friendly locals.
Dublin was a place any young man would be happy to live in.
Dublin was beautiful. Craig told himself this fact every day and yet, somehow, in the six weeks since arriving he had yet to see any evidence of it. It had to be said that he didn't look very hard, but everything that he did see and everywhere he went felt cold and empty and ugly. He had never felt so completely alone in his life and whatever he did to try and fill the gaping chasm in his chest just left him feeling emptier than before.
Five days after arriving in Dublin Craig needed a drink. But not just any drink. He was in search of a "drinking till you fall down and forget who you are" type of drink and that is how he first discovered the bar.
Craig had set out from the flat he was renting at a little after eight on his quest. He had passed several pubs and clubs but as he paused to look inside he found fault with each one. This one was too bright; this one too dark, another sounded much too cheerful and yet another played the kind of music that reminded him of… of something he was trying to forget.
He had almost given up finding the sort of place he was looking for when he wandered down a back street. At first he didn't even realise it was a bar. One window was boarded with wood and a large X was painted on it, Craig later discovered that this was in fact the bars name.
The paintwork was ill kept and peeling and the place had the feel of somewhere so run down that no one could be bothered trying to save it. The noise leaking from the door was a blend of voices and soft mismatched music, none of which sounded too cheerful and that suited Craig perfectly. As he pushed open the door Craig was greeted with the smell of stale beer but thankfully the volume of the patrons hardly seemed to rise at all.
Craig had ordered his first drink and settled onto a bar stool before he took a moment to look around his surroundings. The interior of the bar was as rundown as it's exterior and it had the feel of a place that rarely attracted any newcomers, so much so that Craig felt many eyes looking him over.
It was then that Craig noticed another salient fact about the bar. Its clientele were near exclusively male and many of them were quite obviously gay. As his eyes flicked around the room he observed many couples embracing, kissing and, in several cases, taking things as far as they could get away with in public before dragging each other off to carry on behind closed doors.
Craig almost laughed, and he would have done so, if he could remember how to laugh.
Part of him felt envy for these men. They had no reservations about who they were or how they felt. Their physical attraction for each other was plain to see and they didn't shy away from it for a second.
Why couldn't Craig be like that? If he could have been then he wouldn't be sat in such a place on his own. He wouldn't have to be anywhere alone.
Craig told himself he should leave. Every atom of his being told him to run now while he still could.
Craig Dean ordered a second drink.
By his fourth drink Craig was starting to feel the comfortable buzz of alcohol running through his system.
When the dark haired man offered to buy him another Craig saw no reason to refuse.
When the dark haired man stayed to talk to him Craig saw no reason not to reply.
And when the dark haired man leaned into his ear and told Craig how much he wanted to take him into the gents and fuck him Craig saw no reason not to follow him.
That was almost six weeks ago. Since then Craig had become a regular at X and, as he looked around the room on yet another Friday night, he realised that he could no longer remember how many other of the bars customers he had since followed into the gents in search of a fulfilment that he never found. And he wondered how many more sexual conquests it would take before he lost himself completely and became one of the glazed faces he saw around him. Desperate for any kind of physical attention, desperate to feel wanted or desperate to feel anything, even if it was pain.
Craig emptied his bottle and prepared to leave. As he placed the bottle down on the bar a new face caught his eye from the other side of the room.
He didn't know if it was the blond hair that drew him, or if it was the pale blue eyes, it might even have been the bemused expression on the young mans face as he tried to attract the bartender's attention. Whatever it was Craig was soon taking the stool by the young man's side and offering a friendly smile.
"You'll never get a drink like that," Craig said kindly as he raised his hand to order two drinks, getting the kind of service only a regular ever received.
"You don't have to…"
"I know," Craig handed the bottle to the blonde man, "But you look like you need it."
Craig observed his new companion as he took a slow drink. The man looked so young but Craig realised he was probably only a year or two younger than himself, almost the same age as… as someone he was trying to forget. What made the man look younger was the uncomfortable way he held himself, shuffling his feet self consciously as he looked around the room.
"You're new here," Craig said looking at the man's nervous expression.
"Is it that obvious?"
"A little… but then I know most of the regulars… so what brings you to a place like this?"
The young man's eyes flickered over to the couples making out behind him and his cheeks flushed as he lowered his gaze.
Craig nodded his understanding. "You're either trying to work out how to come out… or if you're really ready to…"
"You're good at this," the man replied, "It's just I've never… I'm not really sure if…" He shrugged and drank deeply from his bottle.
"Not sure if the whole gay thing is for you eh?"
"Something like that…"
"But you fancy blokes?"
"I think so… I mean I've never…"
Craig smiled. "I can help you… if you want."
"How?"
Craig moved in a little closer. "OK take a look around the room, it's fine, you can stare, no one here is gonna mind… now tell me… who here d'you find attractive?"
The young man flushed again. "Well you're not bad," he admitted shyly.
Craig smiled, after all who didn't like to get a compliment?
"Right then, me," Craig continued, "So close your eyes for a second and just imagine how it would feel if I kissed you… the touch of my mouth hard against your lips, my tongue pushing between them…"
"I think… I think I would quite like that."
"Good, good answer." Craig leaned in closer until his mouth was close to the mans ear, his breath hot against it. "Now imagine my mouth wrapped around your cock, my tongue running over it as I suck it in deeper…" The young man whimpered softly at the image in his mind and the heat of Craig's body pressing close against him. "Final test," Craig breathed, "Imagine how it would feel to have my cock inside you, fucking you hard until you come…"
The young man's eyes sprang open and the flush on his cheeks deepened.
Craig rested his hand on the man's thigh and moved it slowly upwards. The young man's arousal was apparent as Craig's hand rose towards his crotch and Craig let his fingers drift lightly over the erection straining behind his trousers.
"Well in theory this is obviously something you want," Craig said moving back and stepping down from his stool, "But what about in practice?"
"How do you mean?"
"You wanna know… then I'll show you… all you have to do is follow me."
Craig headed towards the gents without looking back. He didn't need to, he knew he was being followed; he had been here too many times before not to know when he had made another conquest.
As soon as the door to the cubicle was closed behind them Craig pushed his new friend against it, his mouth pressing hard against the uncertain lips that returned his kiss. The young man was obviously inexperience but he held onto Craig with enthusiasm as Craig's tongue slipped into his mouth and searched it with desire.
As they kissed Craig's hand gripped onto the man's crotch and massaged it through his trousers until the young man was breathing heavily with the intensity of the ache in his groin.
Craig expertly opened the young man's trousers with one hand and freed the firm pulsing cock that was nestled inside.
Craig broke away from the kiss and looked for a second into the pale blue eyes that reminded him so much of… of someone he was working hard to forget. He smiled as he brush his hand against the soft cheek of this innocent young man before sinking to his knees before him.
The young man gasped at the feel of Craig's lips opening to take the tip of his cock between them. Craig's tongue lapped lightly at the very tip, probing into its slit and making the man shudder with excitement.
Craig was almost sure that this was one of the young man's first sexual encounters, if not the very first, and as such he was certain of one thing. He knew that the young man would not be able to hold out for long under the attentions of his experienced mouth and, within minutes, as he took the man's cock deeper into his mouth and sucked hard against its length, the young man cried out gripping onto Craig's shoulders and, bucking his hips, he came deep into Craig's throat, spilling his load into the exquisite hot mouth.
"That was amazing…" the young man gasped as Craig rose to his feet.
"Now it's my turn," Craig said with a dark gleam in his eyes, "Turn around…"
The young man seemed nervous and uncertain as he turned away from Craig and placed his palms against the cold of the fake wooden door.
"I'm not sure…"
"Relax," Craig whispered into his ear as he eased the man's trousers down over his hips, "Trust me… you'll enjoy it… you just have to relax."
Craig pulled a small bottle of lube from his jacket pocket, feeling a moment's shame that he carried such an item every day, and coated his fingers liberally with it. Craig ran his hand between the younger man's buttocks, spreading the oily liquid liberally as he stroked in small circles around the tight puckered opening that was his target.
Craig felt the man tense as he pressed his first fingertip against the hole and leaned into his neck, kissing it lightly and breathing into his ear. "This will feel so good," Craig promised, "But only if you relax."
He felt the man's body begin to loosen and Craig took the opportunity to push his finger deeper inside to the gasps of surprised pleasure. "I told you… and trust me… it gets better."
Craig worked at the tightness of the man's opening for a few minutes, feeling it relax under his touch as a second and then third finger was allowed access and the man's fingers began to claw in desperation at the door.
Deciding that his companion was ready for more, and desperate to satisfy his own desires, Craig slipped a condom over his cock before directing its head at the well-oiled opening before him.
He pushed slowly and gently at first, giving the man's body time to accept him, gauging his speed by the sounds coming from the young man's throat. A whimper of pain and Craig would stop, giving the man a second to adjust; a moan of pleasure and Craig would push himself in deeper until his cock was buried deep inside the hot flesh of yet another stranger.
Craig gripped onto the man's hips as he began his slow steady thrusts into him. Pulling himself out almost completely before easing himself back into the welcome gripping heat.
At times like this Craig could forget himself. He could forget the loneliness that would wake him in tears in the middle of the night, he could forget the times he would pace his room unable to sleep and he could forget the person… the person he was trying to forget. At times like these all that mattered was his own physical needs and how good it felt to be fucking another hot willing body.
Craig's gentle attentions to the young man's body were soon forgotten as his own lust took over and before long his thrusts were hard and aggressive, slamming forcefully into the delicate flesh as he drove himself towards satisfaction.
"Fuck yes," Craig mumbled into the young man's neck as his climax exploded from his body, his hips thrusting his cock deeper into the tightness that was giving him pleasure as wave after wave of lust poured from him until he had nothing more to give.
Craig stepped back and, dropping the used condom into the toilet, he adjusted his trousers, guided the young man out of the way and left the toilet cubicle.
Fixing his own clothing the young man followed Craig back out into the bar.
"That was unbelievable," he said breathlessly, his eyes sparkling with life.
The sight of the young man's happy smile and bright eyes made Craig feel sick.
"I don't even know your name… when will I see you again?" The man's bubbly voice grated on Craig's nerves.
"Let me offer you some advice," Craig said taking the young man's shoulders, "Get out of this place and don't come back…"
"But…"
"Get as far as you can away from here… go and find yourself a decent bloke who's gonna treat you right… he's not here… and he's not me."
Craig dropped his hands from the young man's shoulders and headed towards the bar where he ordered another drink without once looking back.
Craig downed two bottle of lager before the bitter taste began to leave his mouth. He hadn't lifted his eyes from the damp surface of the bar as he drank. He couldn't stand the thought of catching those blue eyes looking at him, pleading with him. He tried to reason that he had taught the young man an important lesson but the truth was he had wanted him and so he had taken what he wanted.
This bar wasn't the place for fine feelings or emotions. The people here thrived on lust and desire. Sex was something to take when you wanted it from whoever offered it and then walk away. Craig realised that the more time he spent inside those walls the more he thought like that and yet he was unable to stay away.
Finally raising his eyes from the bar Craig was relived to see that his recent partner had taken his advice and left. As always Craig felt the familiar hollow echo in his chest that no sexual encounter had been able to fill, at least not since that person… that beautiful person who wouldn't be forgotten.
Craig felt more unfulfilled than usual. He wanted more, he needed more, he craved something that he couldn't even find a name for and, as he scoured the bars patrons, he spotted the person who he thought could offer it.
The tall dark man was as much of a regular in X as Craig. Although they had never spoken Craig knew the man by reputation. To his face people knew him as Pete. Behind his back he was more often referred to as "Pete the psycho." He was a tall and foreboding figure of a man whose dark eyes looked almost black and his hair, long and dark, was worn tied back in an aggressive ponytail.
Craig knew he was probably making a huge mistake by approaching Pete but that knowledge didn't stop him; it didn't even slow him down.
"Want a drink?" Craig asked the intense looking man.
"What?"
"I said d'you want a drink…"
"Why?" The question surprised Craig and it took him a moment to answer.
"I… err… I just thought you might like one."
"Do you really want to buy me a drink?" Pete stared at Craig with a wry amusement. He'd seen the younger man around the place for weeks now but he had always kept his distance until now.
"I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to…"
"What I mean," Pete said pressing his mouth close to Craig's ear, "Is do you want to buy me a drink or do you just fancy a fuck?"
Pete laughed at Craig's wide-eyed reaction.
"Coz if you only want to buy me a drink," Pete continued, "Then fine I'll have your drink… but if you want a fuck then let's not waste time on drinks…"
Craig swallowed hard. He had the sudden feeling of a rabbit caught in headlights and he started to realise that he was out of his depth with this man. He had been given the chance to back out, he could simply purchase a drink for Pete and walk away, and he somehow knew he wouldn't get a second opportunity to do that.
"Well?" Pete was smiling darkly as he waited for his answer.
"I don't want to buy you a drink," Craig said quietly.
"That's what I thought… come on."
"Where to?"
"Come on…"
Craig followed Pete out of the bars front door and around the corner into a dark and dirty alleyway that Craig had never even noticed before.
"I've been watching you," Pete said licking his lips slowly.
"You have?"
"Didn't think I'd get the chance to try you out myself though!"
"Must be your lucky day," Craig tried to laugh but it sounded forced and he let the sound die on his lips.
"Come here." Pete's instruction wasn't something Craig felt able to refuse and he moved to stand directly in front of the taller man. As Pete's hands rested on his shoulders Craig wondered if the strange man was going to kiss him. But Pete didn't like to waste time on such things and his hand pushed down hard causing Craig to sink to his knees, sharp stones digging into his skin making him whimper. Pete smiled at the sound as he lowered the zip of his jeans.
Craig watched mesmerised as Pete extracted his cock from the confines of his clothing. It was thick and solid and stood out proudly before Pete as he ran his hand over its length.
"Suck it."
"What…"
"Don't make me tell you again…"
Craig's lips were forced open as Pete pushed his cock against them, ramming it deeply into Craig's mouth until he gagged against it.
Holding Craig's face Pete began to move his hips to drive the solidness of his cock in and out of Craig's mouth, filling it completely until he feared he might choke and then pulling out making Craig gasp for air.
"Suck it harder," Pete demanded as he forced his cock deeper into Craig's throat.
Craig tried his best to comply as he gagged around the thickness pressing into the back of his throat but his restricted airflow was making it difficult.
Pete didn't seem aware of Craig's discomfort, or if he was he simply didn't care as he continued to drive his cock hard into Craig's hot mouth, fucking the face that he held tightly.
There was a moment as Craig struggled for air, that he wondered if he might actually choke to death on the large cock pushing into his throat. He could feel darkness pressing at the side of his eyes and he could feel the first tendrils of unconsciousness tickling at the back of his mind.
Just as he started to think that letting the blackness take him wouldn't be all that bad Pete dropped his hold of Craig's face and stepped back.
Craig coughed and gasped for air as the thickness of Pete's cock slipped from his mouth and placed his hands on the floor to steady himself.
"Get up," Pete said after a few minutes and, when Craig didn't react immediately, he grabbed the younger man's arm and pulled him to his feet.
Craig felt dazed as Pete pushed him face first against the wall, he could feel the rough brickwork scratching at his face and then the sudden rush of cold air as Pete pulled his trousers down to his knees.
Craig breathed a small sigh of relief at the sound of a condom wrapper being unopened, but his relief was short lived as Pete pushed his cock hard against Craig's tight hole.
Pete didn't bother wasting time with lube nor did he take the time to make sure his partner was relaxed enough to accommodate him. If the man before him should cry out in pain as he forced his way into their body then so much the better and if he begged him to stop, well for Pete that was the ultimate turn on.
Craig whimpered as the hardness of Pete's cock ploughed mercilessly into him. He felt as if his body was being torn apart but the aggressive intrusion and his exclamations of pain and discomfort made Pete pound even harder into him.
Craig closed his eyes tight and tried to distance himself from what was happening to him. After a while the pain eased but the violence with which Pete fucked him increased until his body was being slammed hard against the sold brick wall with each angry thrust.
Pete's fingers dug hard into the flesh of Craig's hips as he repeatedly drove his cock deep into the hot tight passage that held him. Pete had no concept of gentle. Never in his life had he wanted to "make love". For him it was about power, domination and his own satisfaction. Nothing and no one else mattered.
With a loud grunt Pete plunged his cock hard into Craig a few more times as he came. The second his climax ended Pete withdrew from Craig, dropped the used condom onto the floor, pulled up his zip and walked away.
Craig stood leaning against the wall for some time before he stopped shaking long enough to pull his trousers up. He turned so that his back was resting against the wall and slid down it until he was sat huddled on the cold floor.
He didn't notice the cold rain start to fall, just as he didn't notice the heat of the tears coursing down his cheeks. He felt numb. He felt sick. He felt violated and used. He felt worthless and cheap. He felt that he had got what he deserved.
Craig now knew what it was he had been looking for. He had wanted punishment and with Pete he received it.
Sitting with his back to the rough wall Craig wept. He had become a man he didn't recognise and certainly didn't like. He was lost in a world he no longer understood and he realised there was no one left to show him the way. There was no one left who could rescue him.
Craig was soaked through to the skin when he finally staggered his way back to his flat. He felt physically exhausted and emotionally broken.
Without removing his sodden clothing Craig curled onto his bed in the foetal position where he lay silently until the welcome release of sleep claimed him.