Dacey Promptfill- Suicidal Danny
There are many reasons that I should do this unspeakable act. I contemplate each reason as the coldness of steel rests against my lips. It is uncanny how this feels so natural like the gun is an extension of my existence. Perhaps, years ago, I should have done this instead of taking another's life. Strangely, I'm not afraid of the darkness that will follow with my sleep for eternity. I'm more afraid of the unknown. I debate if Heaven or Hell is real. My parents never really believed in such things. Therefore, I never dwell on such thoughts of a God or an afterlife. I existed because I merely breathed in air. Yet, I seem to let the thoughts of what if mingle with my convoluted feelings of life and death.
I close my eyes as I think of how if it is only an eternal rest then I am better off in the darkness of sleep. Yes, there are many reasons to end the pain or fear that overwhelms my mind. The amalgamation of fear, pain, and hopelessness coincide in my mind causes the reasons to make sense.
Prison- I don't want to go there. Juvie was bad enough. However, when I was in juvie, I knew that my time there would end. I'd be on my best behavior to escape the daily routine of juvenile hall. I would be free. Free to see Lacey and Jo again. I'd get a life. Prison will be a forever thing. Even at the least years convicted, it would be twenty years before a chance of parole. What type of man would I end up being after all that time? My friends would be gone. My life changed in a place like that is a definite. Would I be raped, beat, or even survive in such a place where grown men reign and kids like me break?
Being a kid- I will never have that chance. I put on a facade of who I am daily. I act like this charismatic teen that has all he wants. The truth is that I crave being a teen. I hunger for being a kid I never got to be. I gave that childhood up to kill the threat to my existence. Tara Desai did what she always tried to do. She took my childhood even though I allowed her too with her murder. Then I was guilty. Now, I'm innocent. However, there is nothing I can do to stop the accusations or to prove my innocence. I had hoped connecting with my friend, Jo Masterson, and my sweet childhood crush, Lacey Porter, I could recapture that childhood . I could get back that time of innocence I had lost. Yet, now I am back into the same situation. This time with no hope of being a kid again. I am a sixteen year old kid even though most like to forget that. I am! If make it through prison life, I'd be a man. A broken man with no reason to live. Why waste my time with that life when death could come so easily today?
Mother- She has been a rock through this. This woman, who I once thought didn't love me, has shown more love that most parents would. Karen Desai had chose to give up her freedom so that I may be happy. She chose to place herself in situations that others would be appalled by. All this my mother did for me. Doesn't she deserve to be free from the responsibility of a son the town thinks is a monster? Doesn't she deserve to be able to live life without being labeled the mother of the sociopath? I know my mother is beautiful. Everyone knows that. Wouldn't my death let her be a new woman? A woman that could go on to live a better life? She could remarry and start a new family. A better family than what the Desai family has afforded her. My death would hurt her. Yet, my death would also relieve her.
Jo Masterson- My best friend is named Jo. I've told her that she is the most amazing person in the world to me. She is. I can't explain it but since Jo was little, she's been rather coddled by everyone. It is as if she were a breakable doll that needed protecting. She's been angry and forgiving all within the same hour. She's mad now but it is only due to hurt. I know without a doubt she'll be back as the friend standing behind me. That amazes me that someone could be my friend for so long despite the messed up existence I live. Don't get me wrong. I know Jo is self-centered. She can be whiny and immature. But she's been there since we were in diapers. I love her like my sister. Rico is the one that loves her for more. If I would kill myself, Rico would be there to comfort her. Perhaps, Jo would look at him differently. Perhaps, she can find that love that Rico has for her. Jo may return that love if I weren't a hindrance. Maybe she and Rico could go back to their booth where they are protected from this cruel world. My death may give Jo the chance to love like she wants to love.
Lacey Porter - Even thinking her name causes my heart to beat wildly in my chest. I remember the first time I looked at Lacey differently. We had been playing by the creek bank trying to catch tadpoles. Jo was being too girly and refused to get her pink dress dirty. Lacey challenged me saying she could catch more. We had just turned eleven. She did catch more too. The three of us went back to the fort to sit around a fire due to the evening coming. I looked up to see a smear of mud on Lacey's cheek. I went to wipe it off. That is when I noticed the flames dancing on her skin like reflections dancing on water. When my finger touched her face, I felt a warmness throughout my body. I jerked my finger away quickly like I had got burned. Lacey looked at me and frowned. Her words were. "What is wrong with you, numb nuts?" I squeaked back. "Nothing." It was a week and a half later that we shared our first kiss in the same fort. Only this time, Jo wasn't there.
Lacey lost everything she worked for due to me. She lost her friends and her status in high school. Lacey had overcame every problem I had caused her. She said it was worth the risk. I don't think she thinks that now. Lacey was slut shamed and bullied. Her life was turned upside down. Her personal life was displayed for all to see. The fears of being with me were just. Our secret was needed in order for her to live the life she had tried hard to achieve. I should have never tried to get her. Lacey would definitely been better off without me in her life. My death would give her life back.
My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a stick breaking.
I turn to look at the entrance to the fort. I take the gun from my mouth when I see her standing there. My hand drops to my lap causing the gun to lay there. Her eyes widen when realization hits of what I was contemplating doing to myself. She falls to her knees in front of me. Dirt smears her bare knees as her short skirt's edge soaks up the mud. I stare at her seeing the moisture forming behind her dark brown irises. She touches my cheek gently with her long slender fingers. Her free hand slips over the gun as she pulls it from my lap. She lays it aside before leaning up to kiss my eyelids. I didn't realize that I had closed my eyes. A tear slips out of my eyes tickling my cheek. I reopen my eyes to see her wiping the tear away.
She smiles causing her dimples to show. I smile back. She leans up slowly placing one hand in my hair. She entwines my hair in her fingers. Her one hand is placed on my knee. This causes leverage enough for her to lean up to capture my lips with her own. Once again, my body warms up at our touching.
Lacey Porter- She is my reason to live.