This story was inspired by the song 'Self Inflicted' by Katy Perry. To everyone, songs mean different things. I think the song is about her loving a guy who doesn't feel the same way about her. Although she's hurting herself, she knows that she just can't stop loving someone. The story is set in New Moon in the time when Edward had left and Jacob was ignoring her. It is much different than any of my other stories so far. I don't know if this should be a one-shot or if it should be continued. If you want me to keep writing REVIEW!
Remember when I dove into the crowd
And I got a bloody knee under my skin, a mark from wiping out
It brings back the memories
Every bone's been broken
But my heart is still wide open
I can't stop
Don't care if I lose
Baby you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted
I'm going down in flames for you
Baby you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted
One more thing I'm addicted too
-Verse 1 and Chorus of self-inflicted by Katy Perry
Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
- Bella Swan, New Moon.
I feel like nothing. I am nothing. I have nothing to live for.
The love of my life left me. He doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore. No one does. Not even Jacob. Jacob was my best friend. He filled the void in my life. He didn't make me feel whole, but he made me feel close. Now he's gone too. Everyone leaves me. I can't trust anyone anymore.
And I feel empty.
I had just gotten out of the shower and got dressed. I sat down in my pyjamas on the edge of the bath. I opened the cabinet and looked for the scissors. I knew it was wrong but I didn't know what else to do. Just after Ed- he left was when I had started. Since Jake and I had become so close, I never felt the urge to cut myself again. And now Jacob was gone, too. I had to escape my solitude state and I thought of this as a way to do that.
I sat back down and I brought the sharp blade to my wrist. I couldn't believe I was going to do this again, but I needed to. I guided the scissors across my wrist, feeling the sting as I did so. How can something so painful feel so good at the same time? It hurt more than anything, but it also gave me a strange sense of relief and peace.
I dropped the scissors and relaxed my body. Even though I felt disgusted with myself, I also felt relieve in a way. How is it possible to feel two completely different feelings at the exact same time? It was so strange... Even when I did it before, I only felt the pain. Because that was all I ever felt. Maybe now I was beginning to heal... I almost laughed at the thought. I was so stupid sometimes. I will never heal.
Soon, I became aware of the blood coming from my wrist. I didn't really care, though. Unlike before, blood didn't make me nauseated, didn't make me feel dizzy or make my stomach turn. It just made me feel... normal. At least normal for me. I can never be normal again. I've been hurt beyond repair. I can never go back. Those thoughts alone made me bring the blade back to my skin.
I watched as I dragged the scissors across my skin. I watched as the skin of my wrist split open with the sharpness of the object. I watched the blood spill out of it. It didn't hurt as much as it did the first time. I still felt the pain but it felt so good to get some release. It made me feel calm. It soothed me.
Just as I was about to bring the blade back to my wrist for the third time tonight, I heard a knock on the bathroom door. My eyes snapped up at once.
"Bella, you nearly done in there?" I heard Charlie ask.
"Yes," my voice cracked. I hadn't even known that I was crying. I involuntarily sniffled. "I'll be out in a minute. I'm just washing my hands." my voice was starting to sound normal... No. I wasn't normal. I had to stop thinking that I was. I will never be normal. I've never been normal. I've always been strange, as Ed- As he used to tell me. I couldn't think of his name. It hurt too much. I got up and went to the sink and looked in the mirror.
My eyes were slightly puffy and there were marks on my cheeks from where my tears had been. My wrists looked the worst. Two cuts made a lotof blood. And those two cuts could be noticed. Quickly I rinsed of the blood on my arms and pulled my sleeve back down. Before I forgot, I grabbed the still bloody scissors and shoved them in my pocket. When I walked out, Charlie's face looked concerned.
For his benefit I tried to smile. I knew it didn't reach my eyes but I gave my best effort. I hurried to my room before he stopped me.
"Bella?"
Slowly, I turned around. "Yes?" I squeaked.
"How are you and Jacob doing?"
In truth I missed Jacob. I had been calling back every single day for the past three weeks. Billy used to answer the phone and lie to me saying 'He's not in.' or 'He's sleeping.'
I knew he was lying. After a while he didn't bother to lie to me. 'Bella, he doesn't feel like talking to you.' That stung the most. Even more than the cutting. It showed he much he didn't - doesn't - care for me. Soon, they just stopped answering the phone. And that was when I stopped trying.
"Bells?" Charlie asked. Oh right, I was supposed to answer.
"I haven't talked to him in a while." I admitted.
"Bella, you need to talk to him. I'm getting worried about you. You haven't been eating, or talking. You've been having nightmares... it's just like when Edward left." I shuddered away from the thought of him. He tried to change the subject back. "Your probably hurting him, ignoring Jacob like this."
Oh, so now it was my fault that Jacob wouldn't answer my calls. "Sorry." I managed to get out. I just couldn't talk anymore. I was sure I was chocking. I had a big lump in my throat and it took all I had to stop from crying in front of Charlie. Charlie had said his name.
I had to get away, to be alone.
I walked into my room and closed the door behind me. It felt like I was reliving that horrible day in the woods. His words... I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed. That was his promise to me. He was wrong. He was lying.
It will be as if I'd never existed. He had said. My whole world revolved around him and now he's gone. He left a whole in my heart that will never be filled. Can never be filled. It's impossible, even with Jacob with me. My heart is far beyond repair.
I fell on the floor, gasping for air. I couldn't breathe. It hurt to think of him. My head started to spin and I couldn't pull in any oxygen. I couldn't find my lungs. I pulled both my hands up to my chest, trying to hold myself together. It was as if I was splitting in two and I was stuck with the bad side. The side no one wants.
I collapsed on the floor crying. It was only a matter of time before Charlie came in, hearing me. I stood up on my unsteady legs and walked to my bed. The bed where he used to watch me sleep. Where he used to kiss me. Now there was nothing. I felt hollow. When he left, he took my entire being with him. He took my heart with him and now I was hollow. He took everything with him.
Now all I was capable of feeling is nothingness. Because I am nothing.
Tonight, like most nights, I cried myself to sleep.