Meant
At five Felicity learned that having a soulmate did not mean you felt undying love and devotion for another person. The romantic notion of there being one person in the entire world for you was a fallacy. You could desire someone other than your intended mate, love them even; feel so connected to that person that you'd leave your soulmate and the child you created to be with them.
Her mother shattered, but strong told her the truth she was struggling to accept – soulmates were just your ideal match, the person most likely to fit you throughout your life, they were not a guarantee of forever happiness. Her once dreamy mind took an analytical approach to the concept and determined that there was no one meant to be mate, but rather the possibility of multiple perfect for the moment partners.
She had gone from dreaming of meeting her soulmate to not caring if she ever did because even if they did meet, they might not be right for each other at the time. She went from guessing what their name was – the soulmate mark on the inside of her upper left arm had their initials in an intricate arrowhead pattern – one of her favorite things to do before her father left was tracing the matching circular loops containing her parents' initials on their right shoulders, before tracing her own and guessing name combinations for O.J.Q; to doing her level best to ignore the fact that she had a soulmate mark at all.
It wasn't until Thea was born with what looked like a delicate chain pattern around her right ankle with her initials and R.W.H. worked into it that Oliver even considered the arrowhead on his left arm. He knew everyone was born with a soulmate mark, but the concept that there was some perfect person out there for him did not really register. Or make sense. And after his best friend's father completely retreated from the world when his mother died, he and Tommy decided that they didn't want to meet their soulmates. They swore a blood oath that they would be enough for each other. Best friends, brothers.
Seeing Thea for the first time, holding her, expanded Oliver's heart. He loved his parents, Tommy and Rasia, but taking in the tiny, dark haired baby he felt a swell of emotion unlike any he had ever experienced and he felt the need to protect her at all costs.
He confessed, guiltily, to Tommy how he felt. He knew it was breaking their promise, but a week into being a big brother Oliver knew he'd bend any rule and break his own heart to ensure her happiness. His friend had been hurt, but after talking it over they decided being blood brothers made Thea Tommy's sister just as much as his and they made a new vow. It would be the three of them against the world and no matter what they faced the two of them would always look out for their girl.
It was during that agonizing week that nine-year-old Oliver Queen actually thought about who was tattooed to his skin. F.M.S. If he met them would he feel that swooping expanding feeling again, as they made a place all their own in his heart? It hadn't been an unpleasant or unwelcome sensation, but he did not look forward to experiencing the anxiety of having to tell Tommy that once again he was not enough, not after swearing (and believing) otherwise.
For someone who had never given his soulmate a serious thought before he had an intense week of thinking of little else and he decided that meeting his soulmate was not something he really wanted if it would cause any conflict between him and his siblings.
In second grade Felicity met a person with an 'O' name for the first time, a girl named Olivia. Olivia Grace Mahoney. They had been assigned a class project early in the year and had become fast friends. Olivia loved geraniums and any food or drink that would make her tongue purple. When Felicity would have spent all her time with her nose in a book or tinkering with the electronics her father felt behind, Olivia liked to play dress up and make-believe. She got Olivia to watch Doctor Who and their favorite imaginary game was travelling through time and space to save the day.
When Felicity skipped grades for the first time, out of elementary school and into middle school, they cried together over their separation. Olivia promised to be smarter and Felicity less so, so they could stay together. Their wails fell on deaf ears, but they pinky swore nothing would change between them.
BFFS 4EVER. They had written that on the back of each other's hands in permanent marker. Within six weeks the marker was erased from her skin and Felicity was out a best friend. She learned that friends, like soulmates, could have a shelf life. While she managed to make at least one new friend each time she was advanced ahead, Felicity never allowed herself to become as attached to any of them as she had Olivia. She knew what is was to miss people and she didn't want to add anymore to that list.
Felicity held steadfast to that policy until MIT. Her roommate, Hannah, "You're happiness and I'm grace," she joked when they met had become the exception. Every barrier she had thrown up Hannah scaled or decimated. Age difference, religious upbringing, political beliefs, musical and literary taste - they literally had nothing in common, except for talking. They both talked a lot and Hannah even babbled on occasion.
Hannah would discuss anything and if it was a topic she didn't know about she'd research it so she could talk about it intelligently with her. It wasn't about changing her mind (though they each had made compelling arguments and gotten the other to do so) but about the exchange of ideas. "There is nothing I love more than learning Happy and you keep me doing that," Hannah told her once. Felicity wasn't sure what prompted her reply, but she found herself asking, "Even your soulmate?"
It had been one of few topics they hadn't broached in nearly a year as roommates. She'd seen Hannah's mark, an infinity symbol made up of initials in her right elbow crease. Hazel eyes drifted down to her mark and Hannah ran a finger over it, a small smile tugging at her lips. "I think it's different after you've met your soulmate."
"You've met yours?" she asked surprised.
"Known her my whole life. One of those cliché grew up and fell for the pretty girl next door stories."
"But—" even though she knew soulmates didn't last there was just something about Hannah, a warmth, one that seeped into her and helped heal the scars left by others. It was hard picturing anyone willingly leaving her, let alone her soulmate.
"You're wondering why we're not together right now?" Felicity nodded. "I'm an egghead, always have been, and while learn by doing can be fun I've always preferred the structure method of school. Kaleigh not so much and my girl likes making a difference so she joined the Air Force. She's deployed now."
"She's who you talked to so late at night."
"Right on the first try," Hannah said proudly tweaking her nose. "I would have talked about her before, but I saw how you tugged on your shirt every time it would ride up and show your mark."
"I do?" Felicity hadn't realized that, it must have been an unconscious habit she picked up after her father left.
"You do," she confirmed. "I know soulmates can be a ..." she paused and Felicity thought of so many words that could be applied to the point Hannah was trying to get across. Her friend settled on, "Private matter for some and I didn't want to push."
"I haven't met him yet," she confided. "At least I think it's a him given who I've been attracted to," Felicity qualified, a blush spreading across her cheeks.
"And you're waiting?"
"No," she stated emphatically. "Why would you think that?"
"You don't date Happy. In fact, I don't recall you even looking at anyone—"
"I've looked!" she protested. "And I'm not waiting because I really don't want to meet my soulmate."
Hannah blinked at her. "There is a story there, I'm sure of it." For the first time in her life Felicity confided in another person, telling her friend about her father leaving, her mother's explanation, her own theory and how she applied it to friendships after what happened with Olivia. Like the amazing person she was, her friend listened, questioned and forced Felicity to look at everything with the fresh eyes of an adult and not the hurt prospective of a lonely child.
"Not everyone leaves," Hannah reminded her and the next three years she proved that statement true. Even when Kaleigh's deployment was over, the three of them opted to rent two-room apartment not far from MIT so they could stay roommates Hannah's final year there. Felicity already planned to attend another year, to get her masters in cyber security and computer sciences. Hannah had been accepted in a masters program at Oxford and the second her letter had arrived they'd begun planning and saving funds so that Felicity could join them in England during winter break.
Though separated by over three thousand miles and a five hour time difference her best friend always felt like she was just a room away as she could call or text at any time and Hannah almost immediately replied. Even as the distance grew with Felicity moving west to Starling and then Hannah further east to Hong Kong, she was there. Felicity believed Hannah would never leave her life. Her best friend would always be there.
And she was, until a deadly outbreak stole both her and Kaleigh.
That lesson had been the hardest one to learn. Not everyone left, but it didn't mean they couldn't be taken away.
It was an accident of fate or just dumb fucking luck as he later remarked that had him meeting Tommy's soulmate before him. Oliver had failed out of this third college and was back in Starling while Tommy was still attending Cornell. While he hated attending classes, he loved college parties, and instead of attending a charity event like his parents requested he snuck off to a Starling University party and met Laurel. Gorgeous Laurel, who he no way equated with Tommy because his soulmate's name started with a 'D'. It wasn't until after a heavy petting and make-out session, when he got her shirt off and saw the little tree mark that matched Tommy's under her left breast that Oliver realized he was about to have sex with his best friend's soulmate. The soulmate he said he had no interest in meeting.
The combination of alcohol and drugs in his system had nearly allowed him to act on his baser urges, but he couldn't shake a sense that it would be a fundamental betrayal of his brother if he slept with Tommy's soulmate. So he pulled back, much to Laurel's (Dinah Laurel Lance he would learn later) chagrin and hastily fled the party.
This time he did not agonize for a week before confessing to his friend. Once he was sober the next afternoon, he commandeered the family jet and flew out to tell Tommy in person. His friend took the news that he'd reached second base and was closing in on third with his soulmate better than the actual knowledge that Oliver had met her.
Nothing. That was the sum total of what Tommy said he wanted to know about her and he insisted that Oliver not look into her. "Just forget you ever met her," Tommy instructed. He promised and flew home to irate parents who insisted on his attending yet a fourth institution of higher learning, this one closer to home so they could keep tabs on his studying.
His parents' interference gave Oliver a month to figure out how to avoid running into Tommy's soulmate on the Starling University campus should she be signed up for summer classes as he had been. That consideration also had him wondering about his soulmate for the first time in over a decade. The mysterious F.M.S.
Was she out there dating like Laurel? Hooking up with guys that weren't him? Oliver knew it was hypocritical to be bothered by the thought because he'd certainly had not stayed pure or chase, but then again he had no desire to meet his mate. That made it different right? And if is she was really his soulmate, wouldn't she feel the same, so really there was no reason to be bothered by a faceless person he never met, one he had no intention of meeting, seeking pleasure in another person.
Still that entire month whenever he kissed another girl he couldn't help but think about their soulmate and pull back. He'd been desperate to get laid, so finally he got rip-roaring drunk and found the cutest willing coed to help scratch that particular itch. He'd woken up with a hangover and a mouthful of red hair, a sense of guilt to go with a queasy stomach, but he managed to chase both away with some dry toast and cup of coffee at a diner he found after sneaking out of her place.
Ollie Queen was back. He managed to stay that way, flunking out of yet another university by Christmas break when Tommy returned. He had avoided Starling over the summer as not to distract him from his studying or so he claimed. Oliver thought they'd party like they always did, but fate once again slapped him in the face. Attending the same New Year's Eve party they frequented every year was Laurel and after all his protests, one look at her and Tommy was a goner.
His wingman was whipped and by the spring Tommy was transferring back to finish school in Starling, while Laurel was applying for law school and they looked at apartments. Thea thought it was romantic and his parents saw it as sign that it was time for Oliver to find his own soulmate and settle down.
His father took pity on him, allowing him one last taste of freedom before putting him on the registry which had become a popular way for mates to find each other. A boat trip to China, a final few weeks of freedom and debauchery with Laurel's wild child little sister, Sara, in tow. It was supposed to be fun. His last hurrah.
It turned into his worst nightmare. He watched Sara get sucked out to sea, saw his own father shoot another person before killing himself after confessing to the mistakes he made and telling him that he was responsible for righting them. Drifting endlessly, slowly dying of dehydration only to come upon an island he thought would offer him a chance of life. It only brought more death. Pain, torture. Mistakes.
Oliver thought he made his last bad decision getting on the Queen's Gambit, but he'd been wrong. Horribly, disastrously wrong. He spent five years in hell, losing pieces of himself along the way. There was nothing left of the person he'd been. There was only a promise, a mission. Right his father's wrongs, save Starling.
Attention on her screen, clenching a red pen between her lips, her entire focus was on the work in front of her so Felicity didn't hear anyone enter her workspace. The first indication she had of her unexpected visitor was a soft, masculine voice asking, "Felicity Smoak?" She swiveled in her chair, her blue eyes traveling up the wide torso of his muscular body. He was introducing himself, "Hi, I'm Oliver Queen," as her gaze came to rest on his handsome face.
He was beautiful. Strong, stubbled jaw with sky blue eyes that were taking her in as her brain struggled to compute the fact that Oliver Queen, her boss' boss' boss' boss' step-son – a man whose family's name was on the building she worked in – was standing in front of her live and in person. Felicity pulled the pen from her mouth and exclaimed, "Of course! I know who you are. You're 'Mr. Queen'." Somehow she managed to say "Mr. Queen" as if she made air quotes with her fingers as she did so. Felicity felt a panicked flush building up inside her as he replied, "Noooo. Mr. Queen was my father."
Right, but he's dead; she thought, before correcting herself, I mean, he drowned.
Seeing Oliver's reaction Felicity realized she wasn't just thinking that, but was actually speaking out loud, and she couldn't stop. "And you didn't," this she was aware of saying. "Which means you can come down to the IT department and listen to me babble." She had to stop herself and even though the method was embarrassing, she went with it because it was a better option than to continue to let her mouth run unchecked, "Which will end in three, two … one."
Instead of annoyance or just turning and leaving her to stew in her own awkwardness he smiled at her in amusement. It was just a quick up turn of his lips that caused his guarded eyes to soften, giving Felicity the impression that she was seeing the real Oliver Queen behind the stoic mask he had first presented her with when he arrived in her office. There was a slight huff of delight in his deep voice when he replied, completely ignoring her gaffe. "I'm having some trouble with my computer," he said bringing a laptop up in front of his chest, "and they told me you were the person to come and see." He extended the machine, offering it to her, as he explained, "I was at my coffee shop surfing the web and I spilt a latte on it."
Taking it from him Felicity eyed the bruised and battered machine skeptically. Its condition actually hurt her heart a little. She glanced from the wounded computer up to Oliver. "Really?" she inquired.
"Yeah," he answered unperturbed by her incredulity.
Did he really expect her buy that she wondered? Because of his name or his good looks or his charm which wasn't nearly as legendary after five years of not being put to use? Which admittedly made questioning him difficult but his story was too ludicrous. She tilted her head and countered, "Cause these look like bullet holes."
The combination of her gesture and question sparked another flash of merriment in his expressive eyes. "My coffee shop is in a bad neighborhood," he deadpanned.
There was something about him. It wasn't his name or the stories she heard about him, neither really fit the man standing in front of her looking for her assistance with a dubious excuse. There were reasons to refuse him and to help him, but she didn't decline him or begin exploring the laptop for anything of them.
Oliver Queen had come to her for assistance; he wasn't demanding it or expecting it. He just stood there waiting for her to make her decision. He needed help and she felt compelled to give him. Felicity couldn't explain it, perhaps it was because he'd been thought dead and had been alone on an island for the last five years with no one to ask for help, but Oliver could have requested anything from her and she knew that she would find some way to see that he got it.
It had been nearly three years since he felt the sensation, the spread of warmth throughout his body – the last time he felt it had been a momentary flash – by that time he'd grown accustomed to the seeping cold and darkness taking over his every aspect. That it happened again inside of Queen Consolidated did not feel like a coincidence.
There had been babbling that night was well with a flash of sunshine hair and bright lips. He hadn't had a name then and in that quiet moment Oliver had wanted it. He wanted to know who the woman was who was able to make him smile even while mired in desolation.
He had it now. Felicity Smoak.
He had to fight back the urge to ask if it was Felicity M. Smoak. Oliver didn't need the confirmation, he knew, he felt it the same way he had when he first saw Thea. The cold, muted stone his heart had become sped up. That swooping expanding feeling tore through him butting against the dark, shattered pieces of soul, smoothing the rough edges.
Stumbling upon his soulmate was not in his plans. He had nothing to offer her and what little he was capable of giving was for Thea and Tommy and his mother.
Even as he thought that, as he swore to himself that he would get what he needed and leave her alone, Oliver knew he was lying to himself. The warmth he felt, one that he been denied to him for so very long, was an addiction he already realized he wouldn't be able to get enough of or be able to walk away from.
As much as he could denied it, as much he would fight against it or would refuse to contempt it, Oliver knew Felicity Smoak was meant for him.