Castiel was laying in the sand, feeling so numb and dizzy he couldn't even form a coherent thought. With a lot effort he opened his eyes to find himself alone in the same shore he died in. it was daytime but everything looked bathed in light blue hues, a little brighter than usual….

the last thing he remembered was getting out of the alternate universe after fighting Lucifer, the looks of relief in Sam and Dean's faces soon replaced with shock as he felt an angel blade piercing through his back, blood and grace sipping out of his vessel, both Winchesters ran to him sad expressions all over their faces, in a way it brought him solace knowing that he was loved, that he was mourned for the first time after so many deaths he lost count of, that he didn't die alone and forgotten, the movement was so swift he barely had time to realise what happened to him at the moment until he was in complete nothingness.

Thinking back about it he found the way he died quite fitting, exactly what he deserved. He has spilled so much blood, killed so many angels he almost eradicated them, he committed so many mistakes and hurt so many people, and yet none of that haunted him as much as killing…. No stabbing in the back the only real family he ever had, the only person who took care of him, who loved him since they were no more than little fledgling… in cold blood.

The empty look in his brother's eyes that were almost translucent, the wing prints, his lifeless vessel at his feet and the worst part… the way his voice choked up on his last word, full of pain and betrayal, in a whisper … "Cas…"

Five Years Ago

When he was brought back to life after the leviathans killed him, everything he had done was playing on his mind like a movie on loop, little by little some moments faded, until only Balthazar's unfair murder kept playing over and over, extreme guilt building up his mind couldn't take it anymore.

his vessel's brain felt like it was being crushed under the raw assault of that memory, and when the pain became too much and his eyes were leaking blood castiel let out a scream before collapsing on the ground again completely unconscious…

When he woke up there was nothing left, there was no pain and no guilt, no world resting on his shoulders, he was nothing, just an existence with no memories of unforgivable mistakes.

He stood up and went to walk aimlessly until he was facing a woman who later he'll know as Daphne.

_

Castiel was now in the little cabin he found for Kelly, everything was in a mess, he went to his room and there he saw his vessel cleaned up and layed in his bed, each winchester sitting at a side, they both had painted looks a n d red eyes and he couldn't help a twinge of guilt at causing them so much pain.

He tried to reach out to Dean, hold his arm in that spot he gripped him right from to raise him from perdition almost ten years ago, but his hand just passed through like it was just an illusion, he tried to call them "Dean, Sam I'm here can you hear me" but of course they didn't react.

He started to question the nature of where he was, was it some kind of veil where he can see everything but can't communicate? Like a prison of some sort where he can see his closest friends in pain but can do nothing about it. Was he alone here? Why was he here at all? Angels were supposed to completely vanish from existence not wander between life and death….

"Castiel" a feminine voice called, he turned around and saw her, his former commander, her expression perfectly neutral.

"Anna"

Seven Years Ago

The winchesters tell him about the way Mikael had killed Anna, he wanted to prevent her from harming sam but she still didn't deserve to die, not like that… He was still worn out from the time travel but he used what little power he had to transport himself somewhere he could grieve his sister…He focused his mind on an empty park in front of an Oak tree, the one that used to hold her grace, in a way he could feel her still with him, he sat at its base taking a deep breath"This is silly, angels cease to exist after they die, there is no resting place for us, no heaven, no hellI wish I told you this when you were still alive, when you could hear it, i wish i tried harder to convince you there was another way, that i could have convinced you to join us… but I failed you, and I'm sorry.

You were the first to question our orders, the smartest angel in the entire host, you understood our father better than anyone else, you knew such unfair commands couldn't possibly come from him, and you risked your life knowing i was ordered to kill you to make me realise that..."

He was choking up on his word, breathing became harder a knot in his gut he tried to repress for months was twisting harder… But he had to let it out, he had to face his mistakes head on, he owed her as much.

He closed his eyes, trying to gather his thoughts, a soft breeze was blowing and he could swear he felt something soft, like a light touch on his shoulder, it brought him comfort and courage to carry on. He couldn't see her but Anna was standing right beside him, a sad expression on her face and eyes filled with unshed tears while listening to his words.

" you were the one who taught me how to embrace feelings instead of taming them, that I wasn't meant to be the emotionless obedient soldier I was raised to believe i was supposed to be, you stood by my side guiding me through making the hardest decision in my existence, showed me how I shouldn't blindly follow orders but measure whether it's right or wrong first, I was desperate for better orders but you just told me "You have to think for yourself" Now I realise that you were the one who taught me free will while expecting nothing out of me, without manipulating my feelings to do something you wanted, and i should have been more greatful, I'm sorry i wasn't .

I was close to going through with my disobedience, i was gathering information from higher up angels, trying to understand their goal in standing back while more seals were broken, letting lilith roam free when we could have eliminated her instead of putting so much burden on mere humans, i tried to warn dean, I tried to do the right thing just like you taught me but zakariah found out and you know his methods…

Just know that i took no pleasure in betraying you the way I did, I never wanted you or anyone to suffer through those "re-educations" but I had no choice, not in the state my mind was in. And I'm sorry for failing you, I never deserved you and i couldn't have made it this far without you.

Just know that i understand your motives, preventing sam from ever being born would have prevented the apocalypse, but how can we let an innocent pay for something planned before humans were even created, he and his brother saved hundreds of innocents, all of them would have died if you succeed.

I also know that the real anna, the compassionate leader i looked up to for centuries wouldn't have wanted that either, this is all my fault i should've fought harder for you, if zakariah didn't get to you none of this would've happened…I know these words aren't enough, i'll have to live with your death on my conscience but all I can do is promise you that it won't be in vain, i promise we'll find another way to stop this,i have faith in the winchesters."

She was sitting right beside him, her eyes red from crying, she said in a choked up whisper "and I have faith in you"