The Healer
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.
Michaela carefully placed her instruments back in their case, noting how her hands shook as she grasped them and feeling her muscles tense and ache with the considerable effort it took to hold them. As she went to put the largest scalpel in its rightful place for the last time, her trembling fingers lost their grip on the smooth metal and the knife clattered to the floor
Feeling a tear of frustration slip down her cheek, Michaela bent to retrieve the knife, the muscles in her back protesting such a bend after years of leaning over an operating table. The discomfort only added to her feeling of helpless as the scalpel continued to evade her grasp, sliding away from her aged hands, perfect hands Sully had called them long ago, hands that were once able to perform miracles, deliver babies, and even patch up the occasional scraped knee. Now those hands were useless. They'd grown old and fragile, less precise and weak with years of use. Finally retrieving the wayward instrument, she slowly straightened, careful to keep a hold of the scalpel without accidentally squeezing it in her struggle to place it in its mold within the case.
After successfully completing the task and closing the lid of the box, she felt another drop of water trace the path of its sibling across her face. In a few moments, Sully would arrive to take her home from the clinic for the last time. She would now spend the rest of her life as a full time mother, grandmother and wife.
Sighing softly, she crossed to her desk, slowly eased herself into the chair behind it and considered these roles for a moment.
When she and Sully were first married, she had dreamed of spending every day in his presence, making love to him, napping contentedly in his arms under a shady tree, happy to merely feel his heart, beating comfortingly against her check. She still dreamed such dreams and continued to relish each breath he took beside her, but she worried that he would or already had grown tired of her, and that at their age, she could not satisfy her husband as she had when they were young. She had even begun to refuse his invitations to be intimate for fear that she would disappoint him. Of course, she never expressed such worries to him, though she knew he could see the discomfort in her eyes. He had always been able to see through any attempt that she made to veil her face and it often seemed as if he could stare straight into her soul. Alone with him each day for the rest of their lives, she knew that her guard would slip and she didn't know if she could find the words to express to him her fears about not being able to be the kind of wife she desired to be.
As for being a mother and grandmother, she loved every child in her family dearly, from the oldest, Matthew, who was forty- five now and Colorado Spring's only lawyer, to the youngest Hadley, who at six had inherited her father Brian's aptitude for the piano and her grandmother Michaela's temper. The joke around town was that though they were not biologically related, everyone knew who the little girl's grandmother was. Michaela looked forward to every moment she spent with each generation of her family and it was true that she had considered staying at home full time after Katie was born, but she was older now and less able to join in the antics of the little ones or to be of help to the grown children and their spouses in the kitchen. She worried that though she was still independent now, her increasing age would cause her to become a burden to her family in the coming years and if there was one thing Michaela Quinn Sully hated to be, it was a burden.
Two years ago, Colleen and Andrew had quietly and respectfully asked her if they could perform the surgeries that came up at the clinic from then on because they had noticed that Michaela's hands had acquired a slight shake, not one that indicated disease, but one which marked her age as well as the loss of the small amount of extraordinary precision that had separated her into a category of people who were able to sew and cut well enough that their medical miracles went unnoticed, by most. Now, she only touched the sharp surgical instruments to wash them, a task that, in and of itself, had begun to be somewhat of a challenge due to the fact that her hands had begun to exhibit slight arthritis about two months ago and the act of putting them in and out of cold water now caused them to ache. This diagnosis was what had actually prompted her to give up the practice completely. She knew that soon what ability she still had to diagnose patients would dwindle as her hands became more and more gnarled by the condition and she wanted to leave the practice with some skill and dignity intact.
She had cried the day she had told her family that the clinic would be turned over to Colleen, a decision that had come as a shock, but from which Michaela could not be persuaded by any member of the family including Sully. He had tried to talk to her that night as they lay in bed together, but her only reply to his concerned inquiries had been a whispered, "Hold me."
That was a month ago, a painful month that was filled with occasions when Michaela saw her skills as a physician deteriorate and her family's pity increase. What made these last weeks nearly unbearable for her though, was that people had begun to treat her as though her mind had slipped away along with her body, an assumption that caused the still brilliant doctor incredible pain. Why was it that they made this supposition? Secretly, she had feared that they saw something she didn't, but she had kept her worries to herself and trudged on amid the whispers, attempting to maintain her dignity in spite of the physical and social discomfort that swirled around in her mind, often making it difficult to be the doctor she still was in her heart and mind. Now after years of defiance and months of silent struggle, it would be mere moments before she would shut the door on her livelihood forever
A gentle knock at the door startled her and she winced as already tender muscles contracted in momentary fright. Taking a few deep breaths in an effort to soothe the tension in her body, as well as the sickening ball of dread and sadness in her stomach that had threatened to make her sick all morning, she rose carefully from the chair and made her way to the door. When she reached it, she slowly turned the knob, prolonging her last moment alone in the clinic as Colorado Springs' doctor for as long as she could.
When the knob had turned its full rotation, she slowly pulled the door toward her body, using these last few seconds to steel herself for the bittersweet moment when she would see his face and try to keep from collapsing in his arms in emotional agony. She had kept her pain over this decision from him until this moment and was determined to spare him from it now and for always. He deserved that.
As soon as the door had opened enough to reveal him however, her resolve melted and the tears she had been holding back all day, --all month really--came flooding down her checks and as soon as he had stepped into the clinic and shut the door, she threw herself into his arms
"Shh," Sully soothed, pulling her close and stroking her long gray hair. He had never stopped thinking that it was the most beautiful hair he'd ever seen. As he held her, he could feel her body trembling with sobs that he knew had been building up within her all month. He had tried to get her to talk about her feelings, but the most she had ever said was that she was going to miss her patients and that she wasn't sure what she would do with her free time now that she was no longer the doctor that she had spent her life becoming and being. Sully believed that she was indeed struggling with such things, but knew there was more to it, as she had also been turning down opportunities for family outings and time alone with him. Nevertheless, he had been there for her, silently entreating her to open up to him, to share what was burdening her soul, and now it appeared that here alone in the clinic, she would do just that.
"I…I can't be a doctor anymore Sully," she began in a trembling voice that was thick with despair.
You'll always be a doctor Michaela, it's not what ya do, it's who you are, you told me that," he reminded gently as he pulled back to frame her still beautiful face with his weathered hands.
Michaela attempted to focus on his face through her tears, but they fell too heavily and quickly for his features to be brought into stark relief. Instead, she saw his face as a sort of impressionist painting, the color and beauty of his warm blue eyes, time wrinkled bronze skin, and now white hair blended together within her tears to create the image of not just the man, but also of love. She surrendered to it as she buried herself against his warm, cloth covered chest again and poured out her pain. "…I never believed it would happen, but my hands have gotten older…. they have a tendency to shake as my grandmother's did as she aged and….I haven't been able to operate for years now….I….I… know there's nothing medically wrong with me besides the arthritis …it's just… .I guess…I never prepared myself for the fact that as I grew older I would come ever closer to a time when…. my body wouldn't let me treat people anymore…."
"Michaela," he intoned soothingly over the tears that continued to wet his shirt and dampen his chest. "Bein' a doctor ain't about usin' your hands to see what's wrong with folks as much as it's about usin' your head and heart to heal them." He paused and stroked her hair for a moment, making no move to pull back and look into her eyes this time because he could feel in his heart that as much as he needed to lock his gaze with hers and be sure that she was hearing him, she needed to be close to him, to be protected both from the outside world and her inner demons by the simplicity of his embrace. After several moments of silence, Sully noticed that Michaela's body had relaxed and that her crying had lessened and he sensed that she would now hear him if he continued. Kissing the top of her head, he began speaking once again, "Just because ya can't examine folks or perform operations, don't mean you're not a doctor. Doctors help people feel better and make the most o' life and you can still help people do that. In fact, I know four children and ten grandchildren who count on their ma and grandma's healin' stories, picnics and advice everyday."
At the mention of the children, Michaela straightened and drew away from Sully as fresh tears appeared upon her slightly wrinkled cheeks. The mention of the products of their great love both by nurture and birth caused her self loathing to return with a vengeance and she turned away from her husband so that he could not see the heavy mask of embarrassment and guilt that had settled on her brow and brought moisture to her eyes once again. When she heard him step toward her and felt him place his callused, but gentle hand on her shoulder, she knew the time had come to tell him why his definition of doctor only served to heighten her feelings of inadequacy. Steeling herself for the inevitable pain that discussing the matter with Sully would bring, she took a deep breath and keeping her back to him, whispered, "I'm not able to be as active as I once was Sully…and…" Michaela struggled to maintain enough composure to speak as a giant sob rose in her throat and made it difficult to breathe and swallow, let alone speak.
Sensing her fight, Sully was going to tell her that she was wrong, but her halting words stopped him from interrupting what he thought might be his only glimpse into what his wife was feeling. "I can't help them with things as often anymore. My…. my hands swell and my knees ache and I can't even help with dinner some nights because my muscles hurt too much to stir the pot. I even misplace my glasses every so often and can't read the little ones a story when they stay the night…you have to take over for me while I search the house for them…" She inhaled a shuddering breath before continuing, "Someday…I won't be of any use to them Sully…I'll merely sit in the corner…so old that I'll need their help with even the simplest of things …I'll be a burden to them." She began to cry in earnest once again, leaning heavily against her desk and placing her head in her hands, hands that had begun to stiffen in response to her body's stress level.
Sully knew his children and grandchildren would never see his wife or himself, for that matter, as burdens. A man and woman could not ask for a better family and Sully knew that if a time ever came where he or Michaela could not move under their own power, their family would make sure that they still enjoyed as much of life as was possible. As for his wife's inability to do all that she wanted, he conceded whole heartedly that they were not as young as they once were and he grudging admitted that he, too, suffered from the thing his mother had called Rheumatism, but which Michaela called Arthritis. He also could understand what Michaela was feeling in regard to work. He'd had to stop accepting any sort of survey work nearly three years before and tomahawk throwing had been a thing of the past for nearly ten years. He even admitted to himself that there had been times when he, too, had misplaced his glasses, an aid he now wore as well, or his belt, but he had never once considered that his life was over in the face of these changes. He would get by just knowing that he was loved. Why couldn't Michaela see that the children would always respect her? More importantly though, how could he make her understand that they always would now that she doubted it?
Silently, he placed his hand on her shoulder and gently succeeded in turning her to face him, despite the small amount of resistance he could feel in her body and the pure fear and despair that radiated from her soul. As she faced him, she dropped her still moist eyes to the floor. Seeing that his wife was unable to meet his gaze, Sully gently placed the index and middle fingers of his left hand under her chin and elevated her eyes so that they gazed into his own before he began," Michaela, tell me, who does Hadley come to for help when she strugglin' with playin' the piano?"
Instead of providing the answer to her husband's question, Michaela turned away from him and walked to the examination table behind him, her whole body shaking as she removed the sheet from atop it. She didn't know what to say. He had mentioned the exact situation that had sparked her fear that her skills as a mother and grandmother were deteriorating along with her prowess as a physician and she bristled for a moment at his insensitivity. "Brian gives her her lessons now. I had to stop instructing her because playing the piano for an hour straight was becoming too much for my hands. This is what scares me Sully. I can't help them, teach them or show them things in the same manner that I once did." Her voice quivered as she finished speaking and the last syllables a nasal whine which Sully knew signaled that his wife was in severe emotional distress, and that she was trying to hide it. Though he knew that point he was trying to make was important, his heart broke at her pain.
Stepping behind her, he placed his arms around her waist and was about to gently command her to look at him so that he could gently wipe away the evidence of the pain he had caused, when suddenly she turned slightly in his arms and leaned against his chest, nestling her ear in the space where she could hear the steady rhythm of the heart that beat only for her and the family she had given him.
Smiling at his wife's affinity for his heartbeat, he pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head before speaking again." I know that stoppin' teachin' her was hard for ya Michaela and I'm sorry. I wish I could make your hands stop gettin' stiff… but I can't." Pausing for a moment to let the truth of his words resonate in his wife's heart, and breathing deeply in an effort to help his eyes blink back the tears that were now threatening to fall, he remained silent for a time before continuing. " …I wasn't really askin' who was givin' her the lessons though, I was seein' if ya could tell me who she comes to when she's sad 'cause she's havin' trouble learnin' what Brian wants her to. Do ya know where she goes?"
Michaela smiled through her tears as she remembered a morning a few days ago when a very sullen Hadley had walked up the front stairs of the homestead, and spotting her grandmother, had rushed over to where Michaela sat in a chair that Sully had built for when the weather was warm enough for an afternoon out, and laid her head in her grandmother's lap. Tenderly, Michaela had lifted her hand from her aching knee and had lovingly stroked her granddaughter's dark blond hair. No words were spoken, but Michaela knew what had happened. Hadley had misplayed a note in the new section of the song that she was working on with Brian. The piece was the one the little girl had chosen to play at the spring concert, which at the time, was still over a month away. Hadley, however, viewed a month as though it were mere seconds of practice time and was always heart broken when she made any kind of error. Michaela, too, was reflecting on the mistakes she'd made as well and for a moment, grandmother and granddaughter had remained still, merely comforted by each other presence.
"To her grandma." Sully's response to the question she had forgotten to answer startled her out of the memory and she moved in his arms slightly to look him in the eye as a bright blush suffused her cheeks. Puzzled by his wife's shyness, a worried frown creased his aged features. "Michaela?"
"I'm all right Sully." Michaela assured, surprised at the unease and concern his voice. "You just caught me off guard. I was remembering the last time Hadley came to the homestead after a lesson. You were right, Sully, she does come to me for advice…. although I still don't know much longer I'll be of help…"
"The kids and grandkids will always need ya Michaela, no matter how old you are or how grown up they get," Sully assured her gently while continuing to hold her to him.
Feeling more at ease with herself and with her proximity to her husband than she had in a long time, Michaela felt the desire to kiss him rise within her, but she suppressed it, as she knew it would only cause more doubts and disappointments to surface, doubts that, as with those concerning the children and grandchildren, Sully couldn't fix or even truly understand. Giving him a slight hug of thanks, she drew away from him and stepped out of his embrace. Then turning back to the examination table, she stared out over it, mulling over how to explain to her husband that her frailty was one thing his love couldn't heal.
Puzzled by her actions, Sully decided to give her some physical space, and he took a few steps backward before he gently called her name. "Michaela?"
Michaela heard the worry in Sully's tone and knew that he was wondering why she had pulled away from him both physically and emotionally, but she couldn't face him as she said things she knew would hurt him deeply. She didn't want to be the one to put anguish in his eyes or pain in his heart. Taking a large gulp of air, she straightened her shoulders and adopted her doctor persona, before she turned back to face him and began, "Aging or, the effects of it, aren't things you can lessen by telling a person how much he or she is loved or how much those things don't matter because to that person, they do. They will affect how that person lives every day of her or her life …" She paused a moment before whispering, "Your love can't and doesn't change how I feel."
Sully remained where he was as he silently pondered his wife's words. She had said his love didn't help her or make her feel any less emotional pain. The idea that his love didn't matter in the face of these new challenges made his heart feel as though it were shattering and he struggled to breathe as his throat choked on unshed tears.
Michaela watched as one tear, then another and then another slid down her husband's cheek until he was visibly crying harder than she had ever seen him do so in all the years they had been together. His pain startled her and she stepped to him, reaching for his right hand and lacing her fingers through his before bringing her other hand up to stroke his moist cheek. For a while they stood together, the truly human picture of pain and love. Then, Sully composed himself enough to utter, "I wanna help Michaela. I wanna make ya stop hurtin, both on the outside and in your heart. I know I can't stop ya from experiencing some aches and pains, but I always thought… my love made ya feel better."
"Oh Sully, I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you…," she apologized while stroking his still wet face. "Your love does help me in so many ways… and it does make me feel like I'm still the luckiest woman in the world …it's just that in this instance…" She took a deep breath, again wondering how she could explain this to him in a way he would understand. "You reminding me that the children and grandchildren love me no matter what, happens to me makes me want to be worthy of that love Sully, to give back to it somehow, and I'm afraid that soon I won't be able to… that closing the clinic is just first step in a long line of occurrences that will render me wholly useless to the family and…" She took a moment to swallow the lump in her throat, before whispering, "and to you."
Sully now thought he understood what had kept Michaela at such a distance for the past few months. She was afraid, he would find her less worthy of his love and desire because she was older, and in her mind, less capable of being his wife on several different levels. The idea that she felt that she wasn't worthy of her family hit him hard and he felt his cheeks grow moist again as unchecked tears of guilt and heartbreak slid down his face. Kissing her forehead, he pulled her into his arms and spoke softly in her ear. "I didn't marry ya because you were the town's doctor or because you were a great mother. I married you, Michaela, the woman you are and always will be, no matter what your body can or can't do. To me, your soul and body will always be as beautiful and desirable as they were the day I first saw you."
For a few moments neither Michaela nor Sully moved, both simply relishing the hold of their soul mate. Sully was hoping that his words had convinced his wife that his feelings for her had only deepened and couldn't be altered by the effects of time, while Michaela was trying to make sense of the emotional turmoil that raged within her. Sully's words didn't heal the ache within her at the loss of ability that she was experiencing, nor did they quash her fears of being unable to be the mother and wife she wanted to be, but they did remind her that on the road to healing herself, she didn't have to be without comfort and support. Sully couldn't heal her, but he could give her the courage and love that she would need to move forward, as she struggled for a way to make herself whole again. Slowly, she stepped back just enough to be able to look in his eyes and placed a grateful kiss to her husband's lips, trying to communicate with soft movements of her mouth against his, just how much she loved him for saying that he still desired her.
As she attempted to deepen the kiss, she felt both her desires and fears rise in the pit on her stomach. His lips felt so good against hers and she longed to bring his body even closer to her own, but in the back of her mind, she wondered if her hands would be steady enough to caress him and whether bending her knees to join with him would prove painful. Taking an unsteady breath, she tried to push her doubts from her mind and concentrate on what her body was telling her it wanted, what it told her was right, and what it told her that she had denied herself and Sully for far too long.
Sully had felt her shaky breath moments before and it had reminded him that making love to him was something that Michaela hadn't felt comfortable doing for months. He didn't want her to feel as though he would unhappy with her if she didn't want to be intimate with him or that he expected her to do it as a way to repay him for his love and comfort that afternoon, and so, he slowly pulled back and ended the kiss, gently placing his lips to her brow before looking into her surprised and bewildered eyes
"Sully, why did you stop?" Michaela questioned, still breathless and warm from the most passionate kiss she had shared with her husband in what now seemed like forever. She hadn't wanted the moment to end, and her fears, although still present, had shifted to the back of her mind as the passion she felt for Sully had slowly begun to make her feel young again.
Still looking into her eyes, Sully took her right hand in his and brought it to his lips, "Because I don't want ya thinking that ya gottta do this to make sure I'll keep loving ya Michaela. You don't. I know ya haven't felt like making love and I respect that. I'll always love you, no matter what."
Squeezing his hand, she looked confidently into his eyes and assured him, "I want this, for me, and for us." Then, embracing him once more, she kissed him with all the love and passion she had in her soul as he scooped her up into his arms and they slowly made their way upstairs.
The stairs took some time, as Sully's muscles weren't as coordinated as they once had been, and his arms shook a little under the weight of Michaela, who despite not having gained weight in the years they had been together, seemed harder to carry. He knew that some of the difficulty he was experiencing had to do with his own advancing age, but he also guessed that some of the struggle was due to the responsibility he felt to Michaela. She had said that she wanted this and he had felt the truth of her words in each of her kisses, caresses and embraces in the examination room, as he held her now though, he could feel her trembling in his arms and he could sense that underneath that controlled shaking, there was more fear than had been present on their wedding night. About halfway up the stairs however, he felt her trembling stop and she leaned her head against his shoulder and his heart skipped a beat, as he realized she was putting her all of her trust in him and trying valiantly to quash her uncertainties. If she could do that, then he could certainly be as strong as he could for her. With new determination in his eyes, he tightened his hold on her, stopped the weakened shaking of his arms and climbed the last few steeps with a grace that belonged to his younger days.
Once up the stairs, he carried her toward the door of the first recovery room, all the while asking himself how he was going to get the door to the room open without loosening his hold on Michaela. He didn't want to let her go right now for fear that he would let her down if he did. As they arrived in front of the door, however, he was surprised to see her hand leave his chest and reach for the doorknob. Though her hand shook, he marveled and the determination and confidence with which worked at the task, in spite of the tension he still felt in her body and when her slightly wrinkled hand turned the smooth metal and slowly opened the entrance to their temporary sanctuary, Sully only hoped he could prove worthy of that confidence.
When the door was opened enough to allow access to the room, Michaela reached up and put her arms around Sully's neck, partly for balance and partly because her insecurities had risen once again as she eyed the bed with a mixture of desire and fear. Inwardly, she chided herself for her inability to relax, as she was far from the virgin bride that had first shared herself, body and soul, with Sully on their honeymoon train to Denver. As Sully gently laid her down on the bed and began undoing the buttons on the front of her blouse, she tried to tell herself she had no reason to be scared, this was her husband, her soul mate, heart song and yet, she knew things were different now than they were when she had united with her husband for the first time. True, she was nervous about disappointing him, but not because she didn't know what to do, but rather because she wasn't sure she could still do the things that pleased him. And of course, there was the fear of pain, she had never really told Sully how painful her arthritis was for her at times and she silently prayed that it wouldn't flair up as they were making love.
She felt Sully slide her blouse down her arm and she tingled as he placed a kiss to her bare right shoulder, before turning to place small ones along the side of her neck. She moaned in contentment as she enjoyed his gestures and he looked into her eyes, smiling down at her as she felt him remove her blouse from her other shoulder. Then using both of his hands to slide both the sleeves off of her arms, he removed the garment completely as she lifted up slightly to kiss him passionately, her tongue mingling easily with his as the need inside both increased.
Still kissing him, Michaela sat up to undo the buttons on his shirt. As she did so, Sully arms came around to support and embrace her, pushing her into a sitting position that she hadn't been prepared to be in and which stretched the muscles in her weakened knees in way that caused a wave of pain to shoot through her, making her hold her breath.
Sully had seen her discomfort and removed one hand from around her back to gently lift her chin so that their eyes met. "Are ya alright Michaela?"
Struck by the love and concern in his eyes, Michaela mustered a smile for her husband. "I'm fine, Sully, really, but I'd be better if you'd resume your kisses."
Smiling at her attempt to lighten the slightly tense and expectant mood, he whispered, "Yes ma'am," before bringing his lips to hers gently once again.
Sully's kisses were making it hard for Michaela to concentrate, and she wanted desperately to surrender to the sensations that they were causing throughout her body, but in order to feel his body completely and truly against her own, she had to get his shirt off and this was proving impossible. A small tear of frustration and pain slid down her cheek and she hastily wiped it away before Sully could see it. Her worst wears were coming true; her hands were tensing up and beginning to hurt from the stress and tension of the moment. She mentally cursed herself as she realized that the difficulty and discomfort she was experiencing was the result of a self fulfilling prophecy, the fear of pain and failure was actually causing both to occur, and she felt powerless to stop the cycle.
"Here let me help ya with those," Sully said lovingly, not thinking anything of her inability to unbutton his shirt. He merely believed that she was nervous and excited as he was and that taking off his shirt and her camisole might bring them to the next step. Taking her hands in his own, he squeezed them gently and kissed each of her fingers before unbuttoning his shirt and casting it aside.
Michaela felt her hands relax as her husband ministered to them, and for a moment, she forgot her apprehension and merely enjoyed the sight of her husbands bronzed chest. Sully had often told her that he marveled at how her figure hadn't changed much over the years and she honestly could say the same of his. Though both of their bodies had aged, she still found that his broad and trim physique stirred something incredible in her that she would never be able to explain nor ever tire of.
Sully caught her staring and leaned down to place his mouth over hers once again, communicating with the depth of the kiss just how much he loved her and how beautiful he found her. As the kiss lingered, Sully slowly learned her back against the pillows once more while gently pulling her camisole over her head and discarding it on the floor.
Michaela kissed Sully's chest as she felt him begin to touch her gently. She felt how carefully he was caressing her breasts and the curves of her sides and she felt her nervousness increase as she realized that as her muscles clenched in response to his touches, the pleasant tension that now pervaded her body began to have an adverse affect on the muscles in her knees and she had bit her lip to keep from crying.
Sully felt Michaela tensing and could tell that the tension wasn't the kind that came from pleasure. She was stiff and he could feel her discomfort. Pulling back, he looked into her eyes and could see the beginnings of tears in them. Instinctively, he could tell she was in pain and the thought of it caused his chest to tighten with fear and concern. Slowly, he brought his left hand up to caress Michaela's cheek, watching as his tender gesture caused the first tears to fall from her eyes. "Michaela, where ya hurtin'? Please tell me. Did I hurt ya?"
"No, no, Sully, I..." She winced as her muscles cramped again and Sully brought her up against his chest to comfort her. Unbeknownst to him, however, this was the movement that had caused Michaela to start experiencing pain in her knees at the beginning of the interlude and assuming the position once more caused her already inflamed knees to cramp so painfully that she involuntary pushed against his chest in and effort to change positions as she seethed in pain.
"What's hurtin' Michaela? Please show me where it hurts so that I can help…please," Sully pleaded dumbstruck by the amount of pain he saw etched in her eyes and across her face as she lay back on the pillows at the head of the bed, breathing in pain filled gasps. He wanted to crawl onto the bed and cradle her, but he was afraid that without knowing it, he might cause her more pain and he didn't know if he could bear that since the reality that he had, however unknowingly, caused her pain at all was making his heart feel as though it were in a vice.
"My…knees," Michaela uttered painfully, sucking in sharp breaths between her words as her knee muscles began to feel as though they were tightening into a knot. "They hurt so much Sully," she told him as a tear slipped down her cheek.
Now knowing how to reach her without hurting her, Sully climbed up beside her on the bed, drawing the covers over them both to preserve Michaela's modesty and to keep out the late afternoon chill. He then tenderly stroked her check as he questioned, gently, "Why didn't ya tell me?"
Michaela slowly moved to lay her head on her husband's shoulder as sobs of frustration, shame, pain and fear racked her body. She felt Sully cup his hand to the back of her head and the loving gesture made her hate herself more. She had let him down… and now she had to tell him the extent of her difficulties. She wasn't sure that her heart would survive the first denigration or that her soul would live through the second, but she had no choice. Trying to control her tears enough that she would be intelligible when she spoke, Michaela took and deep breath and whispered, "I thought when I kissed you in the clinic that because I wanted to be with you, I could heal myself somehow…. that I could desire you badly enough that I could trick my muscles into not tensing…and I didn't tell you about how severe the arthritis in my knees had gotten because I didn't want you treat me like a fragile doll, that you couldn't risk breaking.
Sully tried to speak, but she continued on as if he wasn't truly there. "I even had fears that you would refuse to make love to me, that you would tell me it was too dangerous in my condition. After a period of time, I also convinced myself that you wouldn't desire me if you knew..." She took a deep breath and tried to flex her stiff muscles as she quietly continued, "As the pain grew worse over the last few weeks, I began to think that the rejection and pity I thought you would feel would be justified."
Before Michaela could go on, Sully murmured, "Shh," and tried to speak, but instead watched as his wife's eyes filled with more tears and she struggled to be free of his grasp. Reluctantly, Sully let her go, knowing that she felt ashamed of all that she had admitted to him and wanted to be left alone. He also knew that allowing Michaela to put physical space between them, didn't mean that he was going to remain silent about what she confessed to him, no he had left her alone far too long in that regard.
Steeling himself against the pain of what he had to say, Sully turned to face his wife as she lay on her side with her back to him. He could see that she was crying as her shoulders were shaking with each halted breath she took, and the sight made him even more fearful of the possible impact of his words. "Michaela, I will never see you as a fragile doll. You're a strong woman. You always have been and you always will be." Sully paused for a moment to steady his nerves. Michaela hadn't interrupted him as he had expected her to and this both comforted and worried him. He wondered if she believed him, and if she did, whether the rest of his words would undo that trust. Deciding after a moment that he should continue his thoughts, he began to gently speak to her again. "...and as for me not wantin' to be with ya because your body aches and its a little bit more difficult for ya to move, I told ya once that I would always find ya as beautiful as the day I met ya and I meant it." Sully watched as Michaela slowly turned to face him and he felt her warm hand slide inside his own. She said nothing, but he knew he had her attention and so he squeezed her hand for courage, before uttering, "For now though, I think it's best we don't make love until you're not hurtin' so much. Is there anything I can get ya to help with the pain?"
Turning slowly onto her back, she muttered resignedly, "I've been using lavender oil to treat both my patients and myself in recent years. I've found it to be very effective. It's on the top shelf of my supply cabinet. If you get it for me, I can administer it."
"Sure," Sully said gently, squeezing her limp hand in his own before rising from the bed. His own impaired muscles resisted the movement and he winced slightly with each step as he exited the room.
Sully took his time with the stairs, wanting to make sure he didn't trip on his way down them as he noted that his leg muscles seemed to be in direct conflict with his desire to attend to his wife. Finally reaching the examination room, he crossed to the cabinet on the wall in front of him and opened it. As he did so, the door creaked with age and good use, the noise made Sully realize just how much Michaela would be giving up when she left the clinic with him that day. She had spent her life there, just as much as she had spent it with him. She was also right in saying that his love alone couldn't heal the loss she would fee when she closed the clinic door for the last time, or when she struggled to do things with children, but he hoped that by helping her heal the one thing that he could - her confidence in his desire for her-he could give her the impetus to find creative ways to soothe the ache that the effects of age were causing in other parts of her heart.
Slowly, he reached up and removed the lavender oil from its place on the top shelf. He fingered the contours of the bottle with his left hand as he closed the cabinet, faintly hearing the hinges squeak once more. A smile slowly crept across Sully's face as it occurred to him that he now knew just how to help his wife heal, both body and soul from the fear and pain that had shrouded their earlier encounter. He just had to get her to trust that he would to take it ever so easy. Quickly crossing to lock the clinic door, something both of them had forgotten to do in the midst of their earlier ardor, he then moved to the stairs once more, climbing each step a little faster than the last.
Reaching the top of the stairs, Sully crept quietly into the recovery room that he and Michaela were using and looked over to see that her position remained unchanged from the one she'd been in when he'd gone downstairs to get the oil. She was staring at the ceiling, her eyes blinking slowly open and shut and the tear tracks were still visible across her cheeks. She looked as if she were deep in thought and he wasn't even sure she had heard him come in until she asked in a voice hoarse with sadness, "Did you find it Sully?" Sully walked over to the bed, and lay down beside her, taking her right hand in his before softly reassuring her of his success with a kiss to the forehead and a gentle, "Yeah."
Turning to look him in the eye, she matched his quiet tone as she requested of him, "Would you put some on my hands? From there, I can rub it on my knees."
"How about I put it on for ya," Sully whispered, squeezing her hand as he saw a light blush color her cheeks. After a long moment, he watched as she nodded her head, giving him permission to touch her sensitive body and connect with her vulnerable soul.
Michaela tingled with relief and nervousness as her husband's oiled hand rubbed slowly across her right kneecap and then gently caressed the muscles in the bend of her knee. She could feel them relax as the oil warmed, and the love in Sully's touch calmed her nerves. She watched as he then lathered his hands with more of the substance and gave the same knee a second massage. She knew that he could feel that it was still tense and painful and she silently thanked him a thousand times for ministering to her the way any good doctor or healer would…treating her until her pain had eased rather than stopping after the first course of treatment.
Sully felt the muscles in Michaela's right knee relax after the second message, and satisfied that the knee was no longer paining his heart song, he applied the oil to his other hand and gently caressed Michaela's left knee in the same fashion, until he felt it lose the tension it harbored as well.
Michaela sighed with pleasure as she sank deeper into the pillow behind her head. She hadn't felt this wonderful in months and she was disappointed when Sully hands left her skin. She longed to tell him that she wanted more, that she wanted to complete the interlude they had begun before, but she couldn't find the words to explain what she was feeling and so she was prepared to let the moment pass when Sully's rich voice murmured against her ear, " Feelin' any better now?"
Sully could see as he peered into Michaela's eyes that the pain which had clouded the unique orbs was gone and that in its place shined the desire and love that he had often seen in his wife's eyes when she wanted with all her heart to be close to him in the age old way of husband and wife. Smiling, he felt her arms slide around his back, drawing him down to her so that she could gratefully whisper, "Yes," in his ear.
Michaela was surprised and disappointed yet again when she felt him pull back from her close embrace a moment later, but she relaxed when she saw his blue eyes staring adoring into her own as he whispered, "If ya still wanna do this, we're gonna take it as easy as ya want to, but it's your choice Michaela, whatever ya decide, my love for ya will only get stronger with time." Michaela nodded in acknowledgment of his statement and took a moment to ponder it, though she already knew what her answer would be. Finally, she swallowed the lump that had built up in her throat at his tender tone and answered, "I trust you Sully. I always have and I always will."
Sully leaned in and placed a kiss to her forehead before wiping his hands off with a towel from the bedside table and then slowly reaching down to undo Michaela's skirt, petticoats and under garments, pausing to give her a tender, but passionate kiss after each removal until she lay completely unclothed before him. When he looked into her eyes and saw that the undressing had caused her only pleasure, he felt emboldened to continue and poured another handful of oil on his right palm before laying down next to her once again and placing small kisses and oil laden caresses across her body, starting with her face, neck and breasts and then making a trail down to her toes. Along the way, he again paid special attention to her knees, feeling as he caressed them that the muscles were relaxed and loose.
After closing her eyes to enjoy Sully's tender ministrations to her toes, Michaela felt him beginning to make a return trip up her body, and she opened her eyes to look into to his, silently asking him to let her return the favor. She then watched as he wordlessly ceased his kisses and drew himself onto the pillow next to her one again, before reaching over his shoulder to retrieve the bottle of oil, some of the contents of which, he intended to pour into the expectant palm that greeted him when he turned to face her one again. When he went to put it on her hand, however, she merely pointed to the buckskin which she guessed now felt rather uncomfortable on his frame.
Remembering the difficulty she had experienced with buttons earlier, Sully went to undo the small brass one on his buckskins himself, but thought better of it and grasped Michaela's hands, pulling them gently downward in his own until their united fingers undid the clasp and slid the pants to the floor. Sully then lay back as Michaela spread the oil and her lips across his body in a fashion similar to the way in which he had ministered to her.
When she had returned to her pillow, they mutually reached out to draw the other closer as Sully gently rolled Michaela on her back, lips connected in a kiss as they moved, hands communicating emotions that words could not. Finally, they moved to join with one another, Michaela's body opening to her husband's naturally as Sully's responded to her physical cues until they were one. Enfolded in one another's arms, they moved together in a sea of lavender until their union was sealed forever with a sharing of total passion.
Some time later, as Sully plied tender kisses to his wife's damp shoulder, Michaela spoke from her position on her side with her back flush against Sully's chest, "Thank you, Sully."
Sully used his right hand to slowly turn her face toward him so that he could look into her now tear filled eyes as he replied, "I know you're still strugglin' with givin' up the clinic and havin' ta do things a little differently with the family..." When she nodded tearfully, he gently continued, "...and I know my love can't stop those things from hurtin' ya, but when it comes to you wonderin' whether I'll still want to be with ya as you're gettin' older and achin', then I guess I have to ask ya the same question 'bout me because my body sometimes aches too." When he saw her concerned eyes, he smiled tenderly, "The look in your eyes has the kind of pain in it, that my heart did when I realized how scared ya were to be with me and how much it was hurtin' ya both inside and out when ya tried to make love to me without tellin' me what was makin' ya so afraid." He watched as Michaela began turning her eyes away from him and he quickly intercepted her head as it turned, guiding it back towards him, so that their eyes locked as he reminded her, "You can't heal whatever's ailin ya by yourself, if it's something that concerns both of us. We're one spirit Michaela and I don't want ya to ever feel like ya can't come to me with somethin', whether it's somethin' I can fix or not. I also want ya to know that I'll give ya the space to deal with the changes in your and our lives, I just need to ask ya to promise that you'll tell me when your spirit or body in hurtin'." There were tears in his eyes as he uttered his request and in a blur he saw, Michaela quickly roll to face him and felt her pull him into her embrace, whispering an "I promise" against his ear as they lay contentedly in each other's arms.
After several minutes, Sully broke the silence with a soft, "Ya ready to go home?" He saw her nod slightly and felt her give him another hug before she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood to put her clothes back on. When he was satisfied that she truly was not in pain, he rose and re clothed herself as well, before helping Michaela with her corset and the buttons on her blouse, making sure that he let her know with his eyes and touch that he was helping her with the buttons not because he thought she needed help, but because he wanted to.
Once fully dressed, Michaela took the newly cleaned spare hairbrush that was stored in the night stand drawer ready for use in case the next patient had forgotten their own, and ran it through her long locks for a few strokes before passing it to Sully, whom she knew had loved to brush her hair since before they were courting. When he was finished, she tucked the brush in her medical bag and mentally reminded herself to clean it and return it when she came to work the following Mon... Her features grew pained as she remembered that she would have to give the cleaned brush to Colleen because she would not be returning... at least not that soon anyway.
Sully could see the look of pain in his wife's face, and instinctively knew that she was dreading actually having to close the clinic for the last time. Quickly, he got up from his seat behind her on the bed and circled around to face her as he drew her to her feet and into a tender embrace of silent understanding, not of her pain , but of the reason behind it . After a long moment, she kissed his lips lovingly in gratitude for his support. Together they then made up the bed with fresh sheets from the linen cupboard down the hall and then, hand in hand, they exited the room.
When they reached the top of the stars, Michaela stepped in front of Sully and motioned that she would go first. Slowly she made her way down the wooden steps, memorizing the feel of them under her feet as she graced them with her presence for the last time as a physician. Though she had worked at the hospital in town most days since its construction, she had still seen a few patients there and had gone up and down these stairs many times in over the last few years and too many to count over the last three decades. When she reached the bottom of the staircase and her feet touched the even more worn floor of the examination room, she felt as though she wanted to run back up the stairs once more just to avoid feeling the emptiness that seemed to have settled in one part of her chest, but Sully's hand in the small of her back, urged her on and she crossed the room to stand in front of the examination table with her back to the door taking the room in one last time.
Sensing that his heart song needed a moment alone to say goodbye to a place which had become sacred to her, Sully moved to her from his place at the bottom of the stairs and stood to her left wrapping his arm around her shoulders and taking in the clinic one more time with his own eyes, before quietly saying to Michaela and the empty room, "I'll be outside when you're ready." With that, he gave her one last kiss and quietly walked out the door to the wagon, shutting the door behind him.
Michaela walked to her desk and picked up her medical bag, fingering the leather of the bag as she walked back to where Sully had left her, trying to imprint the room and all the memories it held into her heart. For a moment, her head swam as she looked left then right and back again desiring not to miss the chance to look at every object in the room through medical eyes one last time. Finally, she closed her eyes, understanding that what she wanted to remember was not the look of the room itself or the items in it, but rather the feeling the room exuded, the residual happiness that remained from the hundreds of healthy births she had watched over, the hope that lingered from the families sitting beside their loved ones, asking her to fulfill their wishes for better days, the sadness that hung over faded images of loved ones, young and old dying and gone and of babies born before their time, and finally the confidence that filled her when she was there, the confidence that she could do something to help, whether it was making the person well again or providing comfort and compassion when all involved in a patients care had to face something they could not change. Oh how she wished that she could find the confidence within herself now. She felt as though she was both doctor and patient, able to recognize the symptoms of a changing life and yet unable to halt their progression. She felt lost knowing there was nothing she could do to retain her life as a doctor and yet she was somehow desperately hoping for an elixir that would reverse the passage of time and erase the signs of age from her body.
Slowly, she opened her eyes, took a deep breath in and drew the emotion filled air of the clinic into her body and silently thanked the clinic for all that it had done to make her a better doctor and a better person. She only hoped that the confidence suspended within her would now help her heal from her own losses.
Turning, Michaela walked to the door and slowly turned the knob once more, feeling the metal of it slide through her hand like sands through an hourglass. When the rotation was complete, she quickly stepped back from the door and opened it, fearing that any hesitation on her part would make it impossible to leave. Purposely striding out the door, she shut it carefully behind her and took a moment to swallow the lump in her throat. When she had pushed it down as far as she could, she slowly made her way down from clinic porch, clutching her medical bag and avoiding eye contact with Sully who stood a few feet in front of her. She knew that if she looked at him, the tears that seemed never to be far from the surface would stream down her cheeks once again and she had made a silent promise to herself that she would not cry until the wagon had pulled away from the clinic.
As she reached Sully's side, she felt him slide her bag from her hands and place it in the front seat, nestling it in the small space that would be left when they both had taken their seats. Then she watched as he circled the wagon and climbed up to the seat then moved over to the side on which she was standing and stood to give her a hand up into the wagon. Feeling tired from the battle she was waging within herself as she struggled to keep her composure, she accepted his help gratefully, allowing him to put his hands at her waist for extra support as she climbed into the seat.
Once she had settled, she watched as he circled the wagon once more and then hoisted himself into the seat beside her, putting his right arm around her and drawing her head to his shoulder.
From Sully's safe embrace, Michaela turned her head and gazed one last time at the clinic that she would now only enter as a visitor, or perhaps even a patient. She wanted to remember what it felt like to be Dr. Michaela Quinn, MD one last time, but all she could feel was the overwhelming sadness and fear of the unknown that seemed to have seized her body and made tears fall unbidden down her cheek. As she heard Sully urge the horse forward, she turned her head into his shoulder and sobbed, feeling the wagon move away from the clinic as her medical bag brushed against her side.
I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review either here or be orginal and comment on the "The Healer" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?p141315#141315