Author's Notes: I wrote this short story back in the summer holidays when I got a prompt written in Chinese. Thought I'd put it here. Hope you'll like it.
The song I've used at the end of the story is named Been a Long Day by Rosi Golan, and obviously the first sentence is from See You Again by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth.
Please read and review. Thanks.
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A long way from where we began…
The Black Widow had an enhanced brain. Her mind worked several times faster and better than normal person and no one had ever worried about that.
Nevertheless now that machine was stuck with memories.
Tasha, I've put the strawberry-flavoured ice-cream in the freezer. Guess you like that?
Tasha, do you want to have Russian food tonight? No? Only pudding?
Tasha would you like wine or vodka? Okay I know the answer…vodka.
Tasha I understand you've always been strict with yourself, but you need rest too. And she found herself holding a cup of chamomile tea.
Shh Tasha. It's okay. Red Room is in the past. It's gone. You are no longer controlled by anyone. I'm right here and I promise I am not going anywhere, alright? Then she was pulled back against a firm chest and she could feel a kiss on her sweaty forehead, his strong arms circling loosely around her shoulders and his hand running up and down her side soothingly.
Tasha! What did I say? Take care of yourself, won't you? She stared into his ocean blue eyes blankly before letting him to see a flash of sorry in her clear green eyes. She shook her head so that he could read that I-don't-regret-though message. He looked down at her wounds, carefully cleaned a cut with a cotton swab and sighed.
She had never thought that one day her own opinion, her own choice could be valued.
She had never thought that one day she would be important enough for someone to care for.
She had never thought that one day she would let someone in like that.
She had never thought that there would actually be someone.
And before she knew it, Clint Barton jumped into her life with a stupid grin and even more stupid actions like completely trusting a world-class assassin who couldn't even trust herself and—damn it—she was compromised. Natasha Romanoff got hit by a certain sniper's arrow of love. Now she couldn't stop doubting that she was ever going to be able to let the blank feeling replace the familiar warmness that she'd got used to. When there were countless conversations and moments carved into the back of her mind, and a warmest voice that had managed to reach the deepest of her heart?
No.
No, no, no, no, no. Natasha gently placed her palm on the gravestone, staring down at the photo of the man. Oh that signature grin—so sweet, so bright. So bright and shiny that it blinded her eyes.
She slide down on the lawn and shut her eyes, her head against the icy cold stone and tears streaming uncontrollably down her face.
Black Widow never cries.
But right now she was no more than Natasha Romanoff, a woman who'd lost her husband.
Seven Months Ago
'Natasha.'
'What, Clint?' She didn't bother to look up from the bejeweled knife in her hands. They were at a party which Tony threw in his Tower. Five minutes ago Clint pulled her away from her favourite vodka to the darker and quieter side of the floor and gave her this beautiful gift suspiciously for nothing.
'Marry me.'
The noise of the Avengers talking and drinking vanished. It was deadly silence. And a pair of stormy green eyes.
'Marry me, Tasha.' Clint was almost sure he would be the first victim of that pretty knife.
He stared into her eyes. Things were simmering under that calm surface. Utter confusion. Shock. Sadness. A flash of pain maybe. When Clint couldn't sense it anymore he prayed she wasn't building up thick walls and shutting herself in again. He was relieved when she let him saw her blink to keep everything at bay.
'Oh.' A stunned voice came out of her mouth a long moment later. Clint waited. He had waited a lifetime for her—a few more seconds was nothing.
'Aren't you going to kneel down in front of me and hand me a diamond ring or something now? Isn't that how you sappy Americans do it?' Back to the sarcastic mold.
'Wait…does that mean yes?'
She rolled her eyes.
'Oh Tasha that says a "yes" right! Tasha thank you thank you thank y—' He was interrupted by a pair of warm lips on his own. Neither was it a quick peck nor a wet tongue kiss. It was just long and firm enough for the conversation to take place.
'If you had a ring you would've pulled it out before asking me that corny question—and since you obviously don't have one then it sounds quite appealing to jump to the next process, doesn't it? Now Clint Barton aren't you going to kiss me like a fiancé?'
They found themselves standing in front of a huge glass wall that provided a splendid view of the New York City skyline. He leant against the railing and sealed her mouth with his lips, her hands tugging softly on his short hair. He kissed her slowly yet passionately as if the rest of the world was a blur, the remaining vodka on her lips enough to make him dizzy and fall over the fact that he was the happiest man in this universe. She kissed him back eagerly and allowed herself to close her eyes, fully inhaling the lovely scent of gunpowder and bow oil. Yes.
The first thing she heard after air became a necessity and they finally pulled back—
'Umm excuse me, everyone, my dear friends,' Clint cleared his throat and kept his eyes trained on the curious crowd facing him. 'Well, Tasha and I are getting married.'
Stunned silence. Now he sure as hell was the fist victim of that knife.
Six Months Ago
Clint's astonishingly blue eyes were staring into her forehead. Pepper and Maria were on her left while Fury and Coulson were seated beside them. Steve was standing in front of her and Clint. Tony, Bruce and Thor were all sitting about and smiling at her.
She mentally cursed herself for agreeing to put on that black and white striped dress—no matter how many times they had complimented on how great it looks on her. Black Widow out of mission and in a dress. This was just unheard of.
She looked up from her gown, keeping herself from burning a hole into it, to meet his eyes.
'Yes.'
Steve smiled. 'Now the groom may kiss the bride.'
The first enthusiastic sound of hands clapping came from Thor and others followed. In the pleasant noises Clint and Natasha shared their wedding kiss. The shock was still there, plus some other things. A huge pack of them, actually. A bit fear, a bit hope. Despite her intelligence she might never be able to express her feelings right at that moment. But she knew that he would understand. Both of them did.
Five Months Ago
'Tasha you are not listening again. Are you okay?' Clint asked worriedly as she stared into distance with no response to his earlier words, her facial expression serious and lost.
'Yes, of course. I am…Nope. I am so not okay cause I'm pregnant Barton.' She went on staring at the same direction as she poured out the big news emotionlessly.
'Oh.' Clint froze. He didn't expect that coming.
What the hell did he mean by 'oh'?
'Wow.'
Again what was that supposed to mean?
'We are going to have a baby Tasha aren't you happy? Wait. You want this baby, right? I mean…I want our baby but if you don't, it's okay.' Natasha turned to him, watching as a flash of ecstasy flew across his face and was taken the place by fear and pain.
'It's unexpected, Clint. I don't know if I would ever be a good mother. God I don't even know what a mother is like. There's a hole in my memory.' She shook her head sadly, not being able to foresee anything in her future with a baby. As much as she wanted children, she knew she couldn't have that. She had to plan her life around her job, and she happened to be an assassin. Children were a deadly weakness. Black Widow's future didn't include a baby.
'But now that I am here and we've got everyone in the Tower, you want to give it a try?' Clint asked warily, his voice shaky as he prepped himself for every possible answer. Things had changed. Even though there were nightmares as horrible reminders, he was no longer an independent sniper doing who-knows-what across the world and she was not a puppet of KGB anymore. They had a life together. They were a family.
'Yes.' Her voice was faint but the tension had loosened up a bit.
'Our baby.'
Three Months Ago
Natasha and Steve lay on the mat in the gym with a heavy sign, their skin glistening because of sweat. Steve tilted his face towards the redhead besides him.
'So what do you think, a boy or a girl?'
'I have no idea. We just decided to keep it a surprise,' she kept her answer short so it was loud and clear she didn't want to talk about it.
'Nat you probably shouldn't be doing these sorts of things anymore. I mean I love sparring with you and you're great but that may hurt the baby,' Steve didn't drop the topic entirely, though.
'Sparring just happens to be my favourite. No sparring, no kickboxing, no running, blahblahblah. Fury had banned me from all the undercover missions and fighting stuff. What exactly am I able to do? Shooting targets or throwing knives down here all day? While not running? That's no fun Steve!' Natasha complained in a faked upset tone yet she carefully put a hand on her tummy to feel the cute baby bump.
'You should rest for once in your life and I'm sure that will be some less physical work in SHIELD to do. Maria would definitely find you something more interesting than paperwork. I'm sure she'd be glad to let you torture some newbies. Or you can try picking up archery, too—' he trailed off as he saw the shock on Natasha's face. He waited for her to bite back and when she didn't and laid still, he really began to worry.
'You alright? Is the baby okay? I can ask Tony—'
'Everything's fine, thanks Steve.' Her voice ghosted in the room as she supported herself up to a sitting position. 'The baby kicked me.'
'Wow.' Steve was trying hard to find the proper words and when he couldn't he decided to just do what feels right. 'Shall I?' He asked before running out of the room.
'Yeah.'
A minute later Clint stormed into the gym.
'Are you alright? Steve said the baby kicked Tasha? Can you feel it?' He asked while sitting down on the mat beside her.
'Yeah.' Natasha said softly and pulled his hand on her lower stomach but didn't let go. The baby was patient enough to give a second kick after he gently rubbed her tummy for a while. His eyes widened at the whole new feeling. As Natasha was complaining about her swollen tummy and slightly (just slightly) less sharpness and accuracy, he had imagined many times what it would be like to feel the baby's startle but nothing came close to…this. It was amazing, and real. He looked up at her eyes. Her unexpressive face said that she was lost somewhere now and that was never a good sign when he wanted to have actual conversations with her.
'Tasha are you okay? Shouldn't we get you to the doctor? Please talk to me, Tash?' He was having a hard time guessing whether it was the baby or her—both equally important to him now.
'It's real. Wow. There is a baby in my tummy,' she tightened her grip on Clint's wrist. 'I don't even know what a mother is supposed to be like and there's already a real human growing inside me—what the hell am I going to do?' She stared away, working her best to eliminate the frustration and anger before they got her.
'You are going to be okay, Tasha. Both you and the baby.' Clint replied and had his other hand began rubbing soothing circles on her lower back. He knew it had been a sore spot due to her endless complaints.
'I don't know. For the first time in my life not only I am free of orders but also with no guidance. I have no idea what to do with this little boy or girl. At all.' She stressed as she felt tears building in her eyes. Damn the hormones. Why is he even smiling?
'But look you've got me and Steve has just helped, Tony is designing a more children-friendly living space and others are doing their best, too. You have a family here. Remember neither of us really had a childhood, Tasha. And we have people who know what a normal childhood is like around us. We are not going to make the same mistake and our children will have the best childhood ever. Plus I loved when you said "a little boy or girl" it was cute.' He grinned adoringly at her, who was looking frozen again. Did he just—
'Children?' She whispered. There was a moment of silence before he caught up with her mind.
'Or child. I'm sorry if I've made you feel pressured…This child is the best gift I've ever received. And if you don't want children then it's okay.' One child or twelve, it was the same to him. He was grateful enough for being able to start a family with Natasha. Her nod to this child was probably her greatest sacrifice and he couldn't bring himself to ask anymore. So he was surprised when she shook her head.
'I want children. I do. But one is enough for now, I think,' she paused to watch him smile, the added, 'just imagine a bunch of kids each with a personality inherited from both you and me—sportive and adventurous, maybe. But surely stubborn as hell. A total disaster. '
They chuckled and just sat there for a long moment.
'It's amazing, isn't it?' Her voice was so faint Clint wasn't sure who she'd been talking to, him or herself.
'It is amazing, Tasha. How can you deny that a little boy or girl growing in your tummy is not amazing? It's going to be our boy, or our girl.' He said reassuringly. Secretly the image in his mind has always been a girl—a girl with Natasha's fiery red hair and deep green eyes, running around the tower with his father's arrows and demanding for a bow of her own. That just sounded perfect.
One Week Ago
She couldn't remember anything at first as she regained her vision. First, the white ceiling. Then the plastic bag several inches above her face and quite a few tubes that looked…hooked up to her. She slowly recalled walking to her favourite café around the corner with Clint. He had stilled for a second then jumped up, crashed her body under his and then the sound of a bomb going off threatened to rupture her eardrums.
She closed her eyes again. Everything seemed to be spinning and the headache made her brain want to explode with pain. Fuck that bomb. She absolutely didn't want to be in the med bay before the baby came.
She snapped her eyes open again as Steve walked into the room. The baby.
'Hey,' he greeted softly, his face serious.
'Hey. Is the baby okay?'
'She's okay. Girl's doing pretty well, actually,' Steve quickly realised his mistake from Natasha's face just as the words spilled out of his mouth. 'Sorry! Nat I'm so sorry.'
But his apologies weren't being listened. 'And Barton?' She asked, eyes focused on the severely bruised and bandaged man beside her. Now that she was fully conscious she could see Clint lying on another bed in the same room. He didn't look so well.
'He's got wounds all over his body, Nat. He hasn't woken up yet since he got hurt a lot worse than you—not to mention he didn't have the enhancers.' Steve said sadly.
'Is he gonna be okay?' As much as she hated the med wing she had always respected the scientists and doctors here. She and field agent relied on them as much as they did technology. And right now they were her only hope.
'They don't know, Nat. I'm sorry. I promise you the doctors are doing their best and Fury's been on it personally and everyone's praying he would be okay.' Steve said genuinely.
Pray, pray, pray.
Other people had visited her after Steve left. The rest of the Avengers, Pepper, Maria with Coulson's best wishes, some other high-ranked fellow agents in SHIELD that she'd worked and befriended with and Fury himself. All of them assured her the baby was doing okay and she knew that herself because the girl was kicking more often, but that just made the headache worse. None of them made such promises as Clint would wake up. And when she got all impatient and mad, she heard Fury whispering to a nurse to add more sedative med and painkillers in her IV tube. She knew it was for her own good but still wanted to shout and smash things and cry and generally just hold Clint tight.
Four Days Ago
When she finally got rid of her semi-coma state, the first thing she did was to turn her head towards Clint. He wasn't there. She didn't know if she should be happy that he was able to take a walk somewhere and maybe even had already got out of this crappy place, or let fear slowly fill her up as she stared at the over-neat bed beside her. She shouted for an answer.
A nurse came in. Dammit. If she had to hear something bad at least she hoped it was from someone she knew. She wanted to see Steve, Tony and other residents of the Tower, who had become trusted friends, or Fury, or Maria, as they were always this straightforward it hurt.
Well, it would hurt more if she couldn't get access to the truth, so she listened.
'I'm very, very sorry Agent Romanoff. Agent Barton's vitals had been extremely unstable a few hours after you got into the coma and the doctors tried their best to stabilize him. There had been a complex in his heart and he didn't make it through the surgery. Again I'm very sorry, Agent Romanoff.' She left. She was all alone now.
The Avengers came in to offer their apologies and mourn, and left. Maria sat by her and kissed her forehead and left. Coulson tried to make her listen to him about the arrows and bow and had, had belonged to Hawkeye and how she could keep everything the way she wanted, and left. Fury stared into the room through the big window for a long while, and left. The doctors came to do all kinds of check-up which she was numb about, and after declaring both mother and daughter were okay, they left.
She had thought the pain would start from her mind but she was wrong. It hit her heart first, the slowly travelled up to her mind and after that, her soul. She laid there for what felt like hours, memorizing every inch of pain, her stomach twisting and making her nauseous while her lower back and shoulders pained her from inside out, but she didn't move. What was the point, anyway. It was Clint who got excited and all about the baby. It was Clint who brought her back in the first place and gave her a new start. It was Clint who found her a family. It was Clint who talked her into stupid promises she'd been taught for a lifetime not to make, nor to believe. How dare he?
Yet she did.
Now look at her, laying here as if the world is about to crush to an end, she thought sarcastically, no one would hold her face in their palms and tell her she isn't alone any more.
Cause she was.
Natasha remembered one day Steve got all nostalgic and sentimental and sighed that the longest distance between two people was time.
She had laughed sadly, thinking how lucky she and Clint was to meet each other in such a wrong time and a wrong place yet everything had turned out to be okay, and replied to Steve that she would find him a date sooner or later.
It's been a long day, and all I've got to say is I've been wrong.
It's been a long year, and everyone around me has disappeared.
But the longest distance between two people really lay here, didn't it? She lied beside the cold stone. You were so close, yet so faraway.
It's been a long week, and I just want to hide away.
It's been a long day, and I'm finally feeling that it's okay to break.
-End-