Hi, people!
First thing first, I'm not a native speaker so please excuse any big mistake.
Then, I would like to thanks Polrobin for having patiently correct this monthes ago. XFChemist also for stalking me into posting it.
And last but not least, Majithize for reading it again, loving it, correcting it and advizing me. You rock, girl.
Disclaimer: I sadly own nothing of stagate. The song is by Howie Day.
Collide
There were days that were harder than others. Days when the world seemed to crumble and when their own existence seemed pointless.
Daniel was gone. Dead. Swallowed by a wave of light.
Yeah, there were days harder than others. And sometimes those days lasted for weeks…
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
Jack glanced up as the woman's eyelids fluttered, a sign he knew meant that she was on the verge of waking up; he instinctively tightened his hold on her. He didn't want her to go. But he knew better. He knew she was going to open her eyes, stare at him silently praying that it was all but a dream and that she wasn't back in his bed, get up unwilling to be shy about her nakedness, get dressed and run away as fast as possible. Like nearly every morning since Daniel's death.
Sometimes it took days for one to lust after the other. It was rare they held out more than a week, though. The awkward discussion when they agreed that it was a mistake had taken place the very first morning. The second time it happened, he had left when she was still asleep. The third has been nearly the same as today…
As he had anticipated, she opened her eyes. Her blue eyes looked straight at his and, spontaneously, she smiled. He really loved her smile and soon he was smiling back, unable to restrain those urges she was provoking inside his chest. Had they been an ordinary couple, he would have kissed her right now and they would have made love again and again until they were incredibly late for work… if he kissed her now, it would have given another dimension to their relationship.
It was nothing more than sex. Comfort. A way to bear the grim reality of their lives.
He didn't kiss her and her smile soon disappeared. Because of that and of that little spark of hope which was still shining in her eyes but progressively dying, he hated himself. He didn't resist when she tore herself away from him. He didn't look away when she left the bed, offering her body to his greedy eyes. He didn't try to stop her as she got dressed, favouring the silence to all the absurdities he could mutter.
And when she actually left the room, when he heard the front door slam and the roaring of her car's engine then, and only then, he allowed himself to get up and to step into the shower.
What if he let the hot water burn his sins away? To whom did it matter?
I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
"I have had enough." Four destructive little words that she had whispered in his ear when he was pinning her against the wall of the locker room. They had just saved the world. Again. He had just escaped a more than certain death –Again- by ejecting from an X302 tied up to a Stargate ready to blow up and… she had had enough.
At that moment, he hadn't really understood what she was talking about. He had stopped nibbling the tender skin of her neck to look into her eyes, and the pain he saw there had startled him.
He didn't understand.
He had asked if she wanted them to stop… and it had been the first time they talked before or after their… intercourse. But she hadn't answered; she had just kissed him with a passion aimed at erasing her prior words. And he had let it go.
What could he have done?
She was the only one who knew how to ease his pain. If only for a brief moment.
But right now, lying in a cold bed, he was wondering if there wasn't anything else behind her words. He was craving for her slight body against his and he was wondering if maybe she hadn't been talking about everything else. Maybe they weren't the ones who were not acting normally… maybe it was the whole world…
Maybe… because, he was quite sure that it wasn't normal to love someone so much and to reduce it to sex when it could be so much more and when some people indulged in one night stands, desperate to find their true love.
Maybe…
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
He should stop. Jacob's eyes were glued on him and he looked quite explicit. He should stop.
The man knew, that much was clear. Besides, Jack often wondered how Teal'c and Jonas could not know. All those nights off world when he shared a tent with her… when he had to shush her before she moaned too loud…
She –they- had nearly drowned. Died. Again. Death seemed to chase after them. And somehow, it made their stolen moments more special. Rules and regulations had been thrown out the window. They didn't care for formalities when they were on missions. They didn't care for a lot of things those days; nothing was more important than the other's skin. That was it.
And even then in this tiny plane flying toward Cheyenne Mountain, surrounded by his other two teammates, his 2IC's father and a Pentagon's white collar, he could not stop. He was openly gazing at her, lost in her features, her curves and her blue eyes not quite as bright as they used to be.
Jacob clicked his tongue with a disapproving frown that they all pretended not to have noticed, Jack included. Sometimes he was wondering if it wouldn't be better for her to take comfort in someone else's arms… but thinking that another man could touch her was not only hard to do but also dangerous since that would have driven him mad with jealousy.
And even if he was aware of the coming doom, even if he was aware of destroying himself and her at the same time, he could not stop.
Because as twisted as it was, he loved her.
And he knew that she needed him as much as he needed her. She needed those feverish nights. They were alike in their distress.
I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind
He stared at her while she sobbed, his heart barely aching. It was her fault after all; she deserved his reproaches and insults. She should be glad that he didn't want her right now because she probably wouldn't have liked his primary instincts. But it was her fault. And she deserved to cry and to suffer.
He hadn't just suffered those past few weeks; he had been in hell.
An eternity of pain because she had begged him to do something that was so foreign to what he believed in. He had agreed to take Kanaan because she had said 'please'. Because she had called him Jack. She had never called him Jack. When they were together, they avoided ranks and first names. They just existed.
But she had begged Jack and Colonel O'Neill had given up.
And that scum had played with him as if he was nothing but a toy. So yeah; he had taken pleasure in describing to her every little devious game of Ba'al. He had cherished every whimper she had made when he accused her again and again of being responsible. He had felt joy when she had begged him to stop. He had felt… powerful.
They never talked when they were together. They just loved each other. They loved as they fought. 'Til the end.
But she had called him Jack and it changed everything.
He looked at the woman crying on the sofa. He looked at the mess he had made because she had dared to confess that she had missed him. He looked and the aching morphed into despair.
He hated when she cried.
And in a second, the humanity that he had thought long gone came back in the shape of an irresistible wave of tenderness. He gathered her in his arms, crashing her against his chest and she grasped his shirt, begging him to never let go. Hiding his face in her hair, he let the heavy tears flow. Terror, disgust and despair. And maybe, after that, he would be able to breathe again.
She whispered his name again and again.
And that changed everything.
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide
Jack remained straight under Jacob's accusing look. He had been silent during the old General's bitter and reproachful speech. He never tried to defend himself or to deny what the older man had against him. Why bother? Everything was true.
It was true that he was sleeping with his daughter and screwing up both of their careers without caring at all. That was not a secret anymore. Half the base had already guessed and their relationship had become –again, he must add- the principal subject of gossips. Yep, Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter shagged in a pathetic attempt of overcoming their best friend's death. Only the truth. Even if the last part was a lie. They weren't seeing each other because of Daniel anymore, but because they loved their secret relationship.
They had changed.
They talked about ins and outs, they cried sometimes in the security of a lover's embrace. They were there for each other. Just there. As it should have been for years.
Yeah, they were screwing up everything -their lives and their careers first- but, when he looked at Carter's smile, when he felt her arms around him and her skin under his, he simply didn't care.
And right now, he had a Jaffa vs Tok'ra war to stop, so Jacob's bawling him out could wait.
Because that was one of those days…
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind
He missed her.
He was not surprised by the burning hole her absence had opened in his chest. Even Maybourne had seen his confusion; even he had guessed who was responsible for it…
She, however, seemed surprised when he limped towards her without a spare glance for the others. Because it was towards her that he was going, not towards the others. Teal'c and Jonas could wait. The unknown Tok'ra who had piloted the ship could wait.
She, on the other hand, could not.
If he hadn't been so desperate of her, he would have smiled at her astonishment when he grabbed her jacket and captured her mouth under his.
She should have pushed him away.
They could have blamed the weird herb.
She didn't do it and he kept kissing her, finding in her soft lips a kind of serenity. It was only when she stepped back, half-joking about him needing a shower, that he let her go and greeted the rest of his friends.
They didn't even pretend to be surprised.
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide
"I resigned."
The words seemed to float in the air for several seconds. Jack probably should have been surprised. He was not. He just made sure that the blanket was covering them both and hugged her tighter. There was something good at seeing the woman you love failing to melt under your eyes because of a greedy Goa'uld… things tended to be a little clearer; what was really important and what was not.
"Really?" he asked absently, stroking her golden hair.
She snuggled against him, seeking his warmth.
"Yes."
It was cold that night…
"When?"
If she was surprised by his short questions, she didn't show it.
"Why?" she asked.
She was curious; he loved that about her.
"Because now I understand Hammond's expression when I handed him my letter."
"Your letter?" There was suspicion in her voice.
She slightly lifted her head to look at him and he smiled.
"I resigned."
"Why?"
Because I love you…
She didn't look that much puzzled, just confused. As if she couldn't quite decide which explanation was the right one.
"When I went through that Gate for the first time, I wanted to die…" he said quietly.
A completely inappropriate smile played on the woman's lips. They really were strange people.
"What about now?" she asked.
"Now…" he answered, reaching to kiss her. " I want to live."
You finally find
You and I collide