Season 1 Part 1
I never talked. I saw no sense. Life passed me. I took it all in. But I didn't feel the need to participate actively. Everyone else did enough for me to have to. Also who would have cared. It was much more interesting to watch and not influence them. Because if I did they wouldn't be who they were anymore. You change when in interaction. And silence challenged people, it irked them when you sat next to them saying nothing, no matter what they did. It provoked their real self to break through. And I watched it happen. Otherwise I let them be and so did they.
If I spoke, and back when I was young that was like never, I spoke because it was necessary. Because someone I cared about might have stayed stuck otherwise. Just that there weren't many I cared about. But when I spoke I told them what I saw. I commented. Brief but cutting. I chose my words carefully, seeing everyone else's intellectual ejaculations spewing from their mouths without care or thought. Dumb.
To talk and put yourself out there, present yourself - or the projection of the being you want the world to believe is yourself - on an open platter is simply dumb. You are standing there, your arms stretched out over your head, screaming, "Here I am." leaving your sides open for any and every poisonous dagger from the world. For people like me who watch and store the information. People that know to use them later on.
That was not me though. I never used what I saw against anyone. I respected their souls enough, treasured the looks they let me take inside. I simply stayed silent and sometimes allowed myself to smile when they fulfilled their own prophecy's, stumbled on their way and maybe at the end came out whole anyway. When they were surprised about what they did when I had seen them pave their own path. Good or bad. Mostly bad though. We're all men.
Me I was the silent girl. Me I was the girl who people were mystified with. They hated me when I looked at them, but at the same time couldn't help but be intrigued, couldn't help but reflect on themselves because I gave them space to do so. Maybe find a piece of themselves through me, not even having to have said a word. And that...that made them love me.
It was like I was their mirror and people like seeing themselves. Not at the start, it's uncomfortable. But later they grow with it. And so it came that after a while I had them enclosing me. Without having to say a word. Without making an effort. It just happened. I attracted people. I didn't need friends. I didn't want friends. I saw no sense in them. If I needed someone to party, drink, get drugs from, do the craziest stuff with, they found me, and I chose if they were good enough, interesting enough. Useful.
People see me and see my body. I know I'm quite blazing. Sometimes I feel cheap, but I know I'm fucking hot. They all want me. And back then when they noticed I didn't speak, they saw it as invitation. Believed I'd be impressable. Believed I'd be an easy mark. I ignored them. Except I felt myself letting them have their fun. Playing with them. Letting me be that person. Take their drinks and drugs and go high. Let myself go. Stop thinking. Stop thinking, Effy.
Everything spins then. And it's nice. It's nice not seeing everything. It's nice letting the world drown out. Conversations become unordered sentences, sentences lose words, words a scribble of unformed letters. Colors blur and finally nothing makes sense anymore but the blood rushing hotly through my veins, my heart pumping in ecstasy and my breath keeping me alive.
That's my life. Me seeing and sometimes needing an out.
I kept schtum as I was young. But one day things changed and came crashing down. One loud literal BAM. Tires screeching and me hearing my voice screech, experiencing it like not belonging to me. Loud and pained. My voice. Loud and with emotion. It's the moment it became a fertilized egg and started growing.