Disclaimer: while I'm quite flattered that I have to say this at all, I'm not JK Rowling unfortunately.

I gripped the knife tightly with my right hand, careful not to let it drop, and held the carrot steady with my left on the chopping board. I regarded the bright orange carrot for a moment, looking at it mocking me and my grief in all its brightly-coloured glory. How could anything be a vibrant orange when I was dying inside? But of course now I was just being paranoid and more than a bit delusional; carrots didn't mock people, they didn't mock me. But imagining a carrot mocking me distracted me from noticing the way my hand shook as it hovered over the counter and from seeing a man fall back gracefully through a stone arch. Oh, too late.

I shook my head slightly to clear my thoughts – yeah, like that would work – and lowered the knife over the carrot, cutting it sharply, cleanly and so creating a little disk of orangeness. Then I slowly went to work on the rest of the carrot, concentrating on making each slice precisely the same size. Of course, this would've been much easier with magic but – as I said before – I needed the distraction.

'Remus dear, do you want a hand?' Molly said kindly from my right-hand-side. I didn't look up at her, instead glaring down at the carrots as if each one were Bellatrix Lestrange.

'No Molly, I'm quite alright. Thanks,' I replied with a forced calm. We were in the kitchen of the Burrow, preparing dinner for after the Order meeting that evening.

'Well I can charm that knife for you if you'd like?'

'No Molly, I'm quite alright thanks,' I repeated, a slight edge to my voice this time.

'But it'll take you much longer-'

'No Molly, I'm quite alright thanks,' I said through gritted teeth, for the third time that evening.

'If you're sure…' she said uncertainly, turning back to the stove. I didn't answer this time, finishing slicing one carrot and moving onto the next.

'Tonks is coming tonight,' Molly said offhandedly into the silence, stirring the soup gently. I mumbled something unenthusiastically and hid a groan but Molly couldn't take a hint. 'I wonder if you might talk to her a little…get to know her a bit better…'

'I know her well enough,' I lied lightly. Really I hardly knew much about the girl at all, besides the fact that she fancied me. Her feelings were unrequited but Molly delighted in pushing us together despite all my – mostly – polite refusals. And, what had been amusing when…I had had someone to laugh about it with was now infuriating and often depressing, reminding me of my old lover rather than distracting me from him. Not that Molly or Tonks knew about that of course.

'Well she doesn't feel that way. She likes you a lot Remus.'

'I'm much too old for her,' I brushed that away quickly.

'She doesn't think so.'

'She deserves someone better.'

'She doesn't care about that,' Molly said doggedly.

'I do,' I said shortly.

'Remus-'

'Molly, I'm not going to sleep with her,' I said harshly.

She looked taken-aback at my statement. 'Well I…never suggested…I mean…' She went back to her soup, embarrassed. I chopped another carrot into pieces; for once I felt not the least bit guilty about snapping at her. How could I possibly go out with Tonks when the love of my life – a cliché, but a good one – was just after dying? How could I ever betray him like that?

Molly and I continued with our work in a terse silence which neither of us broke until I had finished slicing the carrots.

'Where do I put these?' I asked in a low voice.

'Into the saucepan there,' she pointed towards a saucepan beside the sink. Then Molly said,' Remus, what's wrong? You've been out of sorts for a while now. Is it because of Sirius's death?'

I inhaled sharply, shakily, at the sound of his name. 'I'm fine.'

'Don't try to fool me with that. I know there's something wrong. And I think it is because of Sirius. It's been four months; I haven't seen you cry once since he died. It's not healthy to bottle all your emotions up like that Remus, talk to someone, anyone. It doesn't have to be me, just anyone.'

My first thought was that if I had to talk to anyone about something like this, Sirius would be the only one I'd trust. He was the only person I'd ever talked to about these kinds of things, he was always there. But he wasn't anymore. I almost burst into tears at that thought.

'Maybe you could talk to Tonks about it,' Molly suggested softly.

'I'm not going to talk to that blasted woman about Sirius!' I exclaimed angrily, then immediately regretted my outburst.

Molly bit her lip concernedly. 'Remus, I'm serious. What's bothering you so much?'

I looked at her for a second and saw her gentle, worried expression and it reminded me so much of that look Sirius would get sometimes after a difficult transformation and then I cracked. I broke down into tears in the kitchen, sobbing like I hadn't done after Sirius had died and had needed to do so much. Molly quickly gathered me into a hug, shushing and patting my back and trying to comfort me.

'I can't believe he's gone…I'd lost him before and now again…'s my fault…I kept him locked up in that house…' I mumbled through my sobs.

'Shh Remus, it's ok. It's not your fault,' Molly said in a soothing voice. 'He knew he had to stay in Grimmauld Place, he knew why. He's fine now, he's with Lily and James. You'll see him again.'

I didn't say anything, still crying desperately as if my tears would bring Sirius back. Molly remained silent, leaning against the kitchen counter and letting me cling to her.

'He's not there…he's just not there,' I whispered, it suddenly hit me how alone I was. I was the last Marauder – not counting Pettigrew, and really, how could you count Pettigrew? 'I miss him so much…'

'Remus?' Molly said eventually, after I had let go of her in embarrassment and dried my eyes hastily in the kitchen towel. She looked thoughtful as she surveyed me. 'Was-…what exactly was your relationship with Sirius? I know you were best friends and that but…sorry for being so nosy, but was that all? The way you're mourning him seems…different to the way you'd mourn for a friend.'

'I loved him,' I said, my voice cracking. I didn't know why I'd just told her that but it was too late now, for some reason I didn't feel at all embarrassed. That confused me but what confused me even more was the way Molly reacted.

She just nodded and sort of half-smiled to herself as if she had suspected it all along. 'I'm sorry for trying to get you and Tonks together.'

I shrugged. 'You didn't know…should I chop the onions now?'

Molly looked at me for a moment and finally nodded, seeming to understand that I had had enough of talking about him for one evening and now needed nothing but a distraction.

'Yes you can,' she said briskly. 'But clean the knife off first, alright?'

I nodded and went back to trying to blot out the image of a fallen Sirius from my mind.

AN: right, a better replacement for the more boring 'How Could He?' I think, and a title stolen directly from Muse, 'Sing for Absolution'. Please, please, pretty please with jelly, ice-cream and Remus on top review this :)