Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.
At first this was supposed to be a oneshot, so if people want to, they can still consider it as one.
A FATHER THAT'S NEVER PRESENT
Chapter 1
To obtain a father, give up a father
I bet he doesn't even remember.
Ed was not in a good mood. Usually on their birthday people just go crazy screaming out of happiness and start counting how long until that and that. Ed didn't quite do that. He had no reason. He already lived alone with Al, he couldn't care less about a car or whatever there might be for him. He was just fine the way he was.
Oh well… maybe after a few years these damn teen-ager mood swings will go away. If these are mood swings. Most likely. But I don't think that they are completely.
The weather was good. No clouds, not cold, not hot, just warm with a fresh wind. It was like even the nature was teasing him. For him, it was just one year passed again without him getting Al's body back. Oh, he was such a loser. He had ruined everything, and it was taking an eternity to fix things. But he would do it, he wouldn't give up. Like he had given up in another thing…
Yeah, he certainly doesn't remember. No matter where he is, there's no reason left for him to remember.
He felt dull and empty. Why was it that he had to go through these thoughts every fucking year? Wasn't it enough that that bloody bastard had abandoned them, but he had also marked him with inner scars that never truly healed? It was not fair. What had he done to deserve it? Well, he had done a lot… but just after it.
He buried his head in his arms like he always did, forcing his tears away. He was not going to cry for him. Not now, not ever. He wasn't worth it. Or maybe he was…
Why did you go!?
He let out a low growl. That bloody bastard. Making him like this. It was unbelievable. He wasn't supposed to have any feelings for that man. But always that same damn question in his mind… why? Had he even had a reason? A reason good enough to scar all of their lives? Did he even remember them… did he even know that… she was already gone?
Now the tears were way too close for his comfort. But he couldn't stop, no matter how hard he tried. When you have a thought strong enough in your mind it won't just leave when you want it to. Those thoughts are not even supposed to go. That was what they were there for. To torture and maybe, if you let them take too strong hold on you, slowly and painfully kill you.
You're not making me insane. You can't do that! You've already done enough, haven't you? You've taken away everything… if not directly, then at least you've evoked it. Everything is your damn fault!
He opened his messy hair and started slowly braiding it again. He was going to stand up strong. He was going to pull through. If not for him, then at least for Al. And if he'd ever see that bastard again, he was going to pay from all he had accused. He would make him pay… a fairly great amount. He was going to take away everything he had left.
But still… why? Weren't we good enough for you? Weren't we what you wanted, what you dreamed about every fucking night? Wasn't it US who made you feel better when you were feeling down? Wasn't it US who always made you smile and tell how much you loved us? Then why did you just go? Why you never contacted us again?
There were so many reasons for him to stay. But nothing to go. Absolutely nothing. Then why? WHY? He wasn't even sure if those questions were ever going to be answered. Maybe they weren't supposed to ever obtain answers, no matter how much he longed for them. And what if there weren't any reasons? What if… he had just… you know… left? Got too bored for a life with a family. His wife and two sons that always bothered him while he was trying to work. But who, still, were in a way all he had wanted.
Ed felt so damn betrayed. So damn bitter. So damn… bad. And weak. Yeah, these were the kinds of things that made him vulnerable. Physical pain didn't matter for long, he could bear with it pretty easily, but these stupid competitions with his mind, against questions that could not be answered. All the mind hurting situations, those were the ones that torn him apart. That set him on icy and tight flames that couldn't be escaped from. The flames that surrounded him, that hurt him, that made him think. Just think. About his life. And when was all this going to end or turn up better. Maybe it would become better once he obtained Al's body again. Yes, it would. That's why he couldn't give up. Otherwise, there would be no reason for him to live anymore. It was just so damn dark. The stars over his path were long gone, no light was found anymore. He just… needed Al to smile and hug him again with his own body. Maybe that would turn the lights on again.
He longed for lights. Lights that were never there, showing him where to go. He had to figure everything out by himself. But maybe that was just good. It made him grow up and become who he was. He wasn't stupid. He had gone through a lot, and now, there he was. Staring blankly at the sky, but healthy and alive. Full of determination to accomplish his goal. He was not the kind of people who didn't finish their things. Things weren't supposed to be left unfinished. Kids weren't supposed to be left alone. Adults were different. They were much more ready to the world. But kids weren't. Kids were supposed to be loved and comforted.
Well, I was loved and comforted to one point. Then not anymore. Then I had to become an adult… much earlier than I was ready for.
He squeezed his cheeks that were turning white because of the force of his grip. He had missed a happy childhood. A bloody childhood that everyone would be allowed to have. Why the fuck didn't he get a chance to be kid since he was ready to turn an adult? Why he had to deal with everything, staying calm, trusting and respectful for people older than him, when they didn't deserve to be treated like that? Why everyone told him to put a little more faith in adults when it were them who had caused him to where he was? Why didn't anyone see his suffering?
Well, anyway. God damn anxious birthday for me. Cheers. I hope you remember me, wherever you are. I hope you at least regret your actions. I hope you wonder what I look like now that I'm 16. How my childish figures have changed to what they are now.
People had always told him how much he looked like his parents. How he had his mother's soft features shining on his face, and how his father's golden locks and piercing golden eyes that shined in the dark, reminding everyone about a wild cat. He wasn't quite sure what to answer. Would he just stand in there and force a smile on his face, agree with all of them, or would he just say that the features were his, his own, it was he who was standing in front of them, not his mother nor his father, it was him. Al always seemed proud when everyone told him how much he was like their mother. Well… Ed liked to be himself. Not anyone else. And her mother's features didn't really bother him that much, but unfortunately he had his fucking golden features reminding him about his father. Every bloody time he looked at the mirror, he would remember him. Every fucking bloody time.
He felt a single salty tear run down his cheek. He didn't want to let it fall, so he just simply wiped it away. That was when he heard a worried voice behind him, a voice that made him freeze.
"Fullmetal? Edward? Is it you?"
Aaargh, bloody colonel, why now?
"Nope."
"So I guess it is. Your voice is a bit hoarse, are you OK?" colonel Roy Mustang asked worried while sitting next to Ed on a bench. It was an early morning and people were having vacation, so most of them were visiting their families somewhere on the countryside, so it left the streets pretty empty. Someone walked past with a dog once in a while, that was pretty much it.
"I'm fine, just a little cold."
Roy looked at the young man next to him. His eyes were dull and dark, lost in the past as he could tell and his posture looked somewhat damaged. Maybe it was because his determination seemed to be forgotten for a while. He looked just like a little child that was trying to hide from the cold and cruel world. He sighed.
"Yeah, I bet. What were you thinking?"
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing", Ed answered trying to keep his voice steady while the hurting thoughts were fighting their way back. God damn, not now. Not before that bloody colonel Bastard was gone.
He got up, waving his cleanly braid over his shoulder and straightening his bright red coat. "I better get going. Al's getting worried. Bye."
"Don't you run away from me while I'm trying to help."
Ed turned around disbelieving. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. Don't you dare running now, things will feel better after you've talked about them." Ed could sense something soft in his colonel's attitude, but he couldn't quite replace it. Or maybe he just didn't want to.
"I have absolutely nothing to worry about. Everything is just fine, or can you affirm something else?" Ed asked, keeping all emotion away from his voice.
"Actually, I can. You're blocking out. And you're too prideful to talk about anything ever, I bet even Al doesn't know all the things that are bothering you. You know that you can tell me anything, it doesn't always have to be about a mission or something." Roy stood up and lowered his right hand on Ed's shoulder. He felt Ed flinching a few times. When Ed tried to get away, he tightened his grip and pulled Ed closer to a soft hug.
"You know that you can tell me anything."
"Let go of me. Just… let go!" The teen started wiggling and punching Roy hysterically.
"Calm down, Ed."
"LET GO OF ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!" he cried out before he let his knees fall to the ground and started sobbing. He couldn't bear with someone comforting him, it made him weaker, he hated to be weak, he just wanted to get away…
Roy sat down softly stroking Ed's hair and whispering quietly to the boy's ear while he felt Ed's hot tears on his bare skin. His subordinate must've been near to a breakdown for quite a while now that he had given up so easily.
"OK now, what's wrong, Ed?" he whispered, wiping his tears away from his swollen face.
"Let go of me. I don't need you", Ed hissed back, biting his lip and trying to get a hold of his feelings again.
OK, so, Ed still wasn't going to be an easy piece of work. At least most likely not. But maybe if he could just make him say something about it, it was going to be easier to get the rest out.
"Come on, Ed. Don't make me guess."
"If it's so important to you, be my guest. I'm not talking, let me go. Like I said, Al's waiting."
"Then Al can wait a while longer. If you're not talking to anyone about your worries, you're soon going to lose your mind."
"Then so be it." Ed was blocking out again. He was not going to tell anything to that man, he was so not going to show him how bitter he felt because of something that had happened so long ago. He wasn't going to show that it still affected his life.
"Now you're being just stupid. Look at me." Roy turned Ed's face so he could force Ed's eyes to meet his.
"No."
"And why not?"
"I'm not doing anything you want me to do. This is the last time I'm going to ask nicely, now, let me go." Ed forced all his anger and grudge for his father in his voice. Roy felt a cold shiver go through him, now Ed sounded very dangerous.
"Calm down, Ed. Don't do anything stupid."
It was just then when he realised a black boot hitting his face. He exclaimed out of pain and surprise while Ed quickly rolled free and started running away.
"Come back, Ed! Damn it!" He got up rubbing his now red cheek and ran after Edward, who he just then realised, was still just a kid. No matter how he was acting or how grown up he could sound sometimes while talking, he was still a kid.
A kid that had no one to support or comfort him. Hadn't had in a long time.
He lengthened his footsteps.
"EDWARD!"
Damn it!
Ed was lost. That's what you get while running with no destination in a big place. Damn it, damn it, damn it!
Oh fuck, if he's going to find me…
He grumbled and hit a wall next to him hard with his right automail hand causing a little piece of brick fall to the ground. He forced himself to stay calm and try to find his way back. He turned around and walked some time straight, but then realised that he had no idea where he had came from and nothing around him seemed familiar.
DAMN IT!
"Edward!"
He turned around facing the raven haired young man again. He felt ashamed and also a little satisfied when he saw a bad looking bruise on his colonel's cheek.
"Didn't I just tell you to leave me alone?" he hissed narrowing his eyes.
"Yes. And I'm not listening."
"And why is that? Do you need a few bruises more before you'll understand?"
"You're not thinking clearly. Just tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing."
"I don't believe you."
They stood in silence for a while, Roy staring at him. Ed felt like bursting the truth out, but his pride wasn't allowing him.
"Forget your pride for once. Don't be so stubborn."
Ed just stood there. To tell, or not to tell? Oh, what a question. He wanted both. He wanted to tell everything, but also carry everything to his grave.
"Come on, Ed. Please, don't make me ask once again. I'm doing this for you."
"And why would you care?" Ed blurted out.
Roy stared the young alchemist disbelieving. "Excuse me?"
"Why do you even care about me? I'm just someone who you like to make your dirty job. I'm nothing to you." Roy could see the hurt in his eyes. He froze. Yeah, why did he care… why…?
"I don't know. But I do", he said, gritting his teeth.
"No you don't. You just don't want a toy of yours break, isn't it so? ISN'T IT?!"
"No! I… I don't know. I care about you. I can't describe it. I've never felt like this before." Roy felt like going insane. He had no idea why he cared. But he did. And it was driving him crazy.
"Felt like what?!" Fresh tears were running down his cheeks again. The weather had changed. It was dark, dark clouds everywhere; he even felt a raindrop falling to his already wet face.
"PROTECTIVE! CARING! I DON'T KNOW! OK?" Roy yelled back at him, his words smashing in Ed's consciousness, waking up some hidden memories…
"Daddy, what is it like to be a father?"
"It's complicated."
"What do you feel?"
"I… don't know. Like I said it's complicated."
"But you have to feel something."
"…Maybe… I want to protect you. I want to hug you when you're feeling bad and I want to make sure that you're safe. You're my life."
"Really?"
"Really."
Ed fell back to his knees staring at Roy in disbelief. He couldn't believe it was happening. It was just a stupid dream, wasn't it?
"What!?" Roy asked frustrated. Ed couldn't do anything but just stare. He couldn't say anything, his voice was lost. Momentarily, he didn't remember how to speak. He just sat there while the rain was getting stronger.
"What?" Roy asked again. He wasn't coming closer to him, he just stood there. Then Ed got his voice back.
"Those feelings… are they… fatherly?" he whispered. Roy seemed like someone would've slapped him. Someone who he really wasn't thinking was ever going to do that.
"Excuse me?"
"ANSWER TO ME!" Roy looked at the despair in the unique golden eyes. Then something seemed to click.
"I… I guess so."
"Don't guess! Give a real answer for even once!"
"I've never felt like this before, so it's a little hard to say!"
They stared at each others once again. Both realising feelings for each others that they haven't noticed before. Then Ed slowly got up.
"Ed…"
Ed walked slowly to him and hugged him tightly. This was not the action Roy was waiting for. He was waiting for a big slap and hurt in his eyes.
"You know… that my father left when I was little", Ed whispered vulnerably.
"Yes…"
"I never really got over it." Roy felt Ed's grip tighten even more if possible. He hugged him back.
"Is that why you're feeling bad."
"Yeah…"
And then they sat there together in silence, in the violent cloudburst, until the sun came back in their blurred vision causing a rainbow show up with it's magical power of making the children on the streets laugh and smile. And it also made a certain teenager smile weakly in the arms of his new "so called father."
Like father, like son.
Now, tell me your opinion. I know the ending sounds a little rushed... but I actually got busy. My sister's screaming that I have to go and feed our cats.
REVIEW! I love reviews!