Author's Notes: So I found this request on the APH Kink Meme for a Metalocalypse crossover specifically pertaining to the episode "Dethgov," and I just had to do it. Personally, I just don't think I did justice to Dethklok and CFO's characterizations. (sad face) But this isn't meant to be a masterpiece. Just sit back and attempt to enjoy.
Oh, and disclaimer: I do not own Axis Powers Hetalia or Metalocalypse. APH belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya, and Metalocalypse belongs to Brendon Small and Tommy Blancha. I am not trying to make money off of this. Please don't sue me. I'm not worth it.
As a whole, the Nations of the world (and their "bosses") were smart enough to basically stay out of the way of the death metal rock group Dethklok. The band bought about enormous chaos and mayhem simply by existing, so everyone knew that it was best to mostly leave those five musicians to themselves.
Dethklok – the world's greatest cultural force, consisting of Skwisgaar Skwigelf (taller than a tree), Toki Wartooth (not a bumblebee), William Murderface (Murderface, Murderface), Pickles the drummer (doodily doo, ding dong doodily-doodily doo) and Nathan Explosion. And on top of that, they were the world's twelfth largest economy, so many of the Nations' financial systems were dependent on Dethklok's sales.
All in all, the national embodiments were frightened of the sheer power Dethklok wielded. But at the same time, they did hold admiration for them. After all, Dethklok is the most brutal band ever to exist. They were blacker than the blackest black, times infinity...
Alfred "US of A" Jones and his boss could only watch the carnage as it unfolded. Governor Slaughter was being assaulted, mutilated and literally ripped apart by legions of Nathan Explosion's loyal fans following the man's (really downright stupid decision) to mock the singer on national TV.
"Dear God, help us all," the President whimpered. He was just one step away from grabbing his shotgun and just shooting himself right there.
Alfred shook his head. "Seriously, though, he should have known better than to insult Nathan Explosion!"
The news anchor on the TV started talking again, "With Florida in crisis and without a governor, what is this great state to do?"
Hopefully, only better...
"And that's how pasta is going to save the polar bears~!" Feliciano "North Italy/Veneziano" Vargas excitedly exclaimed. It was cute, how he really believed his favorite food would save an endangered species.
Instead the meeting of the Nations dissolved into further chaos.
"That idea's even dumber than America's "giant robot" plan! And that's saying something."
"Whatever, I still say my idea's the best."
Alfred was no different from the others, declaring that his ideas were the most awesome of all. Ludwig/Germany was yelling, as usual, trying to reestablish order in the conference room.
The chaos was interrupted by the entrance of something sinister. Everyone immediately hushed, feeling cold all of a sudden. It was not a being or entity, but a foreboding feeling of immense dread. Something wicked was coming this way...
And Alfred's voice, barely above a whisper, asked the Nation closest in his proximity, "Could you turn one of the televisions on, please?"
Arthur "England" Kirkland wordlessly obliged and turned on the large screen TV. It was showing the news, specifically, the biggest story of the day.
Nathan Explosion was being sworn in as governor of Florida.
Nathan's deep, growling voice snarled, "I swear to govern the fuck out of this piece of shit state! Now let me hear your guns!"
The audience enthusiastically responded by firing their guns into the air.
All of the Nations were silent for only a moment before finally, Matthew "Canada" Williams broke the silence.
"God help us all..." he brokenly whispered.
Alfred could only say, "Fuck yeah! This is gonna be awesome!"
The first thing that happened was fairly expected. Florida underwent a "metal" make-over. And as the landmass made up a certain part of Alfred's body, his own make-over took place. Alfred was showing up to meetings dressed in all black, torn up clothes and a lot of leather and studs. It was enough to make Arthur embarrassed to even be near him.
Alfred couldn't help but call him out on it.
"Dude, Arthur, you were the origin of punk rock! Don't start talking to me about the way I dress! Is there anything you won't complain about when it comes to me?!"
Arthur retorted, "I'm a gentleman, damn it! Unlike you, I actually have standards! For one thing, I won't elect a rock star to be a governor!"
But Alfred wouldn't hear it, "You know what, Arthur? Just fuck off! Nathan Explosion's very presence has made Florida more awesome than you were in your prime!"
That got Arthur in such a huff that he left, slamming the door on his way out.
Alfred rolled his eyes, spitting "Stupid square with no sense of fun." He then turned around, greeted by the sight of the pair of hot girls he picked up from the bar he and Arthur had been at for the past couple of hours. They were both eying him with lust, apparently turned on by the way Alfred told off that uptight grouch.
Oh yes, Alfred's metal make-over really did bring the girls to his yard.
Yao "China" Wong and his associates were currently in what America and Pickles called "a strip bar," being entertained by scantily clad women dancing around poles.
Pickles was clearly enjoying himself, getting drunk while having his face smooshed between a pair of large breasts. Alfred was sitting by Yao, smirking.
"What do you say? He's definitely got a great way of entertaining everyone, right?"
Yao really didn't know what to say. He had been around for literally centuries upon millennia, and had seen many things, from the rising and the fall of great empires to numerous wars, big and small. But he had never seen anything as crazy as this.
Yao had never seen a force more potent, more powerful than Dethklok. Their sheer energy was something he had learned over time to fear and admire. Hell, even Ivan "Russia" Braginsky feared them. And that was saying something.
But right now, with numerous women gaggling about on him, stripping off their already meager outfits in his face, Yao couldn't deny it – he was having a nice time. And his ambassadors too, if the looks on their faces were of any indication.
Pickles might not have been particularly bright, but he knew how to have fun.
"And I promise to every Floridian that you will all be rich! Because we are going to print some more money! Why didn't anyone ever think of this before?!" Nathan's speech was rousing, and everyone went crazy.
The band's butlers, known as the Klokateers, were soon driving limos, tossing newly printed money out to an enthusiastic crowd.
Ludwig watched this on his television, wondering, "Didn't they learn from my mistake after the first world war?"
His brother, Gilbert "Prussia" Beilschmidt, shrugged and replied, "Last I heard, they have no clue how economies work." He was wearing a slightly shabby Dethklok t-shirt and listened to "legitimately bought" music of the band on an MP3 player. After all, Gilbert knew better than to get pirated Dethklok MP3s. His brother's economy was dependent on Dethklok's sales, and there were rumors that the Klokateers would kidnap and torture anyone that dared to illegally download Dethklok's music online.
Ludwig and Gilbert could only begin to imagine the horrid consequences this would bring upon Alfred...
At first, Alfred and the stripper he was with (courtesy of Pickles) were enjoying some really nice sex. But now, he has having a difficult time getting it up.
"Ugh, that's lame! You're not even hard!" the tipsy girl complained, pointing out the obvious.
Alfred screamed, "It wasn't like that before!"
He was getting increasingly worried. As much as Alfred admired Nathan (largely for his lyrical visions and musical talents), he was just now starting to realize that perhaps Nathan Explosion as governor of Florida was not such a great idea after all...
"The new Florida currency is worthless."
"Crime rates have skyrocketed!"
"Countless jobs have been destroyed!"
That was just a sampling of the numerous news reports coming out of Florida. The state was literally consumed by anarchy, chaos littered the streets, and people were literally dying left and right.
The worst thing of all however, was seeing how it was affecting that certain area of Alfred's anatomy. Alfred was currently keeled over on his bed, clutching his groin.
"How does it look?" he asked, wheezing.
Arthur was scared to check it himself to be honest. He turned to Francis and Matthew, wordlessly pleading with them to check it out.
Matthew was hardly the assertive type, but he just couldn't do it.
"Uh-uh, no way, Arthur! I am not checking it!"
Francis shared the sentiment. He may be a sexual being, but he seriously did not want to see the state of Alfred's... privates.
"Angeltierre, I am brave in many things, but this is not one of them."
Alfred suddenly screamed, "Damn it, just fucking check it already! It hurts like a motherdouchebag!"
The three other Nations looked at each other, nodded, and did it together. Arthur quickly pulled Alfred's pants down, and saw it.
"Dear lord."
"Sacre bleu!"
"What in the Queen's good name happened?!"
Alfred's member had become every bit as bad of shape as the actual state of Florida. They could see some gangrene setting in as well, and it only looked like it was getting worse.
Alfred saw it himself, screaming with utter horror, "Dear God, what has happened to me?!"
***
Yao wasn't terribly surprised things came down to this, but he was still no less horrified. It was an awful sight – the landscape had been degraded into a desolate wasteland, all the while people were starving and dying left and right.
As of now, he was still at the strip club with Pickles, who was desperately attempting to resuscitate an unconscious stripper.
"She just OD'ed!" the drummer frantically said, trying not to scare off the ambassadors and Yao.
But Yao could tell it better than anyone. "She's dead, aru!!"
Pickles let out an agonized groan, clutching his head before letting out a bunch of unintelligible strings of curses and a whisper of "What do I do now?"
Pickles might not have been particularly bright, but it was clear he knew that he had messed up as the ambassador to China. He messed up big time.
Yao in the meantime just wanted to go home.
***
In a last ditch effort to save the ailing state, Dethklok decided to put on a benefit concert. Alfred whole-heartedly supported the idea.
Of course, he was also progressively losing his mind, thanks to the immense pain of his gonads' steady deterioration. The other Nations could only helplessly watch as Alfred descended further into loonydom.
"Come on guys!" Alfred tried to tell them. "We have to go to the concert! We have to help Florida!"
The others didn't really hear Alfred's words. Rather they were fixated on that spot of blood that was forming around the crotch area of his jeans. God only knew what was happening there.
"Well," Alfred shook them out of their thoughts. "What are you doing, dilly-dallying around?! We have a concert to go to! Get ready for it, damn it!"
The rest of the world helplessly looked at each other, deciding it would be better not to argue with America when he was slipping further off the deep end. They all collectively sighed and walked off to put on their Dethklok concert gear.
This was not going to end well. Dethklok concerts just had a way of being like that.
Finland still hung his head in shame over that "troll incident..."
***
The concert was no different from other Dethklok concerts. A few of the goers ended up dead and maimed, as usual, but many couldn't help but notice what was brewing in the sky.
"It's a hurricane!!" someone screamed out.
But it was no ordinary hurricane. It was a hurricane created from the sheer power of rock courtesy of Dethklok.
An hour later, they were at the Weather Bureau, assessing the situation. Once the Dethklok members realized they actually were at the office and there was nothing they could do to get rid of the hurricane, their manager, Charles Ofdensen, spoke up.
"Have you tried the Emergency Broadcasting System?" he asked. Truthfully, Ofdensen doubted that would've done much good at this point.
Toki spat, "I hates that things! That beeeeeeeeep..."
The rest of the band agreed, beeping along with Toki.
Pickles said, "So use the emergency broadcast then."
The Weather Bureau guy replied, "All emergency broadcasting systems have been looted and destroyed, sir."
Nathan was shocked, "They stole the beep?!"
Toki added in, "How did they steals the beep?"
After more chatter, Nathan finally asked, "What the fuck do you guys even do here?"
The Weather Bureau guy answered, "We name the hurricanes, sir."
Pickles parroted, "You name the hurricane? That's your job?" It sounded like a lame job to Pickles, to be honest.
"So what should we name this one?"
Nathan frowned for a moment before settling on a name, saying, "How about Scrambles? Uh, Scrambles the Death Dealer?"
Alfred (who was being supported by Matt and Arthur holding him up) shouted out, "Awesome name Nathan! I love you!"
Francis was quick to draw attention away from them, yelling back, "Oh don't mind my friend here! He's a bit crazy at the moment!"
'Scrambles the Death Dealer. What an oddly fitting name...'
***
And so, whoever remained in Florida was brutally killed and maimed by Hurricane Scrambles the Death Dealer, while brave weather reporters filmed the carnage.
Alfred was in the worst pain of his life. His gonads were all but rotting off at this point.
Arthur was in pain at seeing his former colony is so much anguish. "Isn't there anything we can do?!"
An uncomfortable silence overtook everyone as they tried to think of a possible way to help. Kiku "Japan" Honda finally spoke up.
"Actually, I do have an idea."
Matthew frantically asked, "Well, what is it?"
Kiku sighed and replied, "Well, I think the best course of action is to cut it off..."
Matthew clarified, "You mean giving him a sex change?!"
Kiku hung his head slightly as he nodded. "Yes," he confirmed, "we need to disconnect Alfred-san from Florida, by any means necessary."
Arthur tried to protest, "But Alfred is -"
Alfred interrupted Arthur, screaming, "I don't fucking care anymore at this point! If cutting it off will save me, then by any means, do it! It fucking hurts like a motherdouchebag!!"
Everyone else sighed, and decided now should be the time to get to work.
***
It was a long and tedious process, but finally, the sex-change operation was declared a success. It took both the work of several doctors, and some of Arthur's magic to really get the process complete. After a couple days (when the hurricane had run its course), Alfred F. Jones was now known as Allison, a complete woman.
Allison had not taken it well.
"Why?!" the newly transformed-into-a-woman Nation asked. "Why??!"
And yet, she still had to watch Nathan. On the TV, she and the others were watching Governor Explosion's departure speech.
"And I'm confident that I left Florida in a much better place than, uh, where I found it. Ugh, you know what? Fuck this, my back's killing me."
Allison only cried harder, as Matthew desperately attempted to comfort his new "sister."
"There, there, now, Al," Matthew said weakly, "at least it's all over."
Allison stopped crying, her initial despair now replaced by a murderous rage. Matthew gulped when he saw the fire in her eyes.
"Nathan Explosion's gonads will pay for this!!" she screeched.
Meanwhile, the other Nations were trying to assess the situation.
"So do you think Florida will ever recover from this?" Antonio "Spain" Carriedo asked. He was pained to see his old colony completely destroyed by the rock star's irresponsibility.
Ludwig frowned for a moment before seriously answering, "Well it depends. When the state's economy went downhill, many of the, ahem, saner families left for greener pastures, leaving behind only the band's devotees. And with the general promotion of anarchy, things only got worse from there."
In pain, Arthur added, "And that's not even getting to the destruction caused by Hurricane Scrambles the Death Dealer."
"Yes," Yao agreed; after all, he had seen the destruction firsthand. "Billions of American dollars worth of damage. Is there any way they can ever recover?"
The silence spoke volumes.
***
Back at the Mordhaus, Dethklok's enormous mansion/headquarters, the band was recuperating from the last week's events. They were in their recreational room; Toki was playing video games, Skwisgaar was practicing like usual, Murderface was watching some documentary about the Civil War, Pickles was drinking and Nathan was relaxing in the hot tub, eating chips. Things were going fairly normally for the band until some strange noise shook them out of their relaxation.
"What was that's?" Toki asked, slightly scared.
"It schounded like a bomb went off'ch," Muderface replied.
Indeed, there actually was evidence of a detonation going off very close to the Mordhaus. Even from where they stood, the band could hear the brutal sounds of carnage and destruction. What sounded like the blast of a gun went off, and it was very close to their room. A bunch of Klokateers immediately armed themselves, ready to protect the band at all costs.
They heard stomping footsteps. Whoever or whatever was storming Morhaus had clearly bypassed the security systems and was getting closer.
"Don't worry," Klokateer Number 355 assured the group, "we have this under control."
"I seriously doubt that," Pickles' voice such a soft whisper, it hardly registered.
And then, the doors literally bust open. The Klokateers would have fired, if not for the fact that they saw the intruder was simply a single girl who was accompanied by a bound up Ofdensen.
She was utterly seething as she snarled, "Nathan Explosion, I will have my revenge on you!"
Ofdensen frantically tried to diffuse the situation. "Don't fire on her! She's not going to hurt anyone!"
"What the fuck's going on here?!"
Allison pushed Ofdensen aside, stormed up to Nathan and screamed, "You ruined me! You ruined Florida, and my life and just... Gah!!" Allison was unable to speak anymore, instead collapsing to the floor, loudly sobbing.
A few moments passed. Nathan had no idea what this chick was going on about, but the fact that she had bypassed the security with only a shotgun in hand and sheer determination was pretty brutal in and of itself. And she was actually rather hot too – short, golden blond hair, rather tall with a nice body, and those boobs especially were nice to look at.
Finally Nathan said, "Look, uh, I don't know what your problem is, but why do girls cry? I mean, do you think it makes you look pretty or something? Because it really doesn't. I think you'd be a lot hotter if you stopped crying."
Allison looked up at Nathan, incredulous (but oddly unsurprised) that he had no idea why she was so angry. And then there was his none-too-subtle attempt at making a pass at her.
"Look here pal!" she started, "I have no clue what you're thinking right now, but -!"
And then an amazing idea just hit Allison. She now knew the perfect way to get revenge against Nathan Explosion. She decided to play along, by softening up first.
"W-well, I was just so sad and confused, Nathan," Allison got up, giving him a sweet, puppy-dog-eye look. "I just need a comforting touch. Will you give that to me, Nathan?" she asked, batting her eyelashes.
Nathan was a little surprised at this, but then again, this hot chick was asking him to do her. He motioned for a Klokateer and said to him, "Bring her to my room when she's ready."
The Klokateer was a little surprised, but he had no choice but to obey, "Y-yes, Master Explosion. I will do that."
Nathan nodded and walked off, presumably to get ready. The other band members and Ofdensen (who had worked off his binds) were totally silent.
Finally Pickles asked, "What the hell just happened?"
Allison turned to them and said, "Well, guys, I guess I should tell you this much – I used to be known as Alfred Jones, but now, thanks to Nathan destroying Florida, I was turned into a girl."
"Wowee," Toki gasped, "you's was a guys who turned intos a goils?"
Ofdensen intervened, "What are you planning, then, America? Revenge?" He had dealing with the embodiments of the Nations especially with the embodiment of the United States. He had no clue how they worked, but he knew enough to know that the landmass was, in a way, the body of this person. The Florida peninsula, it seemed, was Alfred Jones' penis, but after what Nathan did to the state, it was destroyed.
Allison answered, "Well, yeah. But Mr. Ofdensen, you do owe me after what I did for you in the past. I need closure on this and you need yours. You understand, right?"
Charles looked at Allison. Of course, the Nation embodiment of the US had helped Charles a few times over the years with Dethklok's antics. And then there was the fact that, as much as he cared for the band, Charles did grow annoyed with the fact that they frequently would abuse him. Maybe she was right – maybe he could have a little bit of his own payback.
"So what do you want us to do?" Charles asked her.
"It's simple," Allison replied. "After I'm done with Nathan, tell him the truth about me."
Skwisgaar was confused, "Whats are you's talking abouts?"
Allison was growing annoyed with their stupidity. "Tell him that I was a guy who became a girl!"
Muderface clarified, "Sho you want Nathan to find out that he schlept with a chick who ushed to be a dude?"
"Yes."
"Wow, that'sch... Kinda cool."
Allison nodded and said, "Yes. Well, I have a little appointment with Nathan, so if you'll excuse me. Mr. Klokateer, show me the way to Nathan's room!"
"Yes, ma'am," he nodded, escorting Allison away.
Toki was a little apprehensive. "Are you's really goings to do this? I don't thinks its very nice to Nathan."
Charles soothed the headache and replied, "Well, Toki, Nathan made a mess out of Florida, and Miss Allison works for the President. She can do bad things to the band if we don't help her." Charles decided not to mention his own personal reasons for going along with the plan. He had enough on his plate as is. The other band members accepted the explanation; this was one of the few times Charles was thankful for their general incompetence.
***
"Master Explosion, your lady is here."
Nathan turned around. "Uh, oh yeah, thanks."
The Klokateer left them to their own devices. Allison walked up to Nathan. It was strange at first. It started off with Nathan brushing hair from her eyes; anyone who could see this might be shocked by how gentle his touch was. Allison touched Nathan's cheek.
And immediately, they began to kiss. Things went on from there.
***
A couple hours passed. They were rather long and slow for the rest of the band, who passed the time just silently drinking. They then saw Allison (whose hair was a bit mussed up and complexion was slightly flushed) being escorted out of Mordhaus by a pair of Klokateers.
Skwisgaar said, "Now we must tells Nathan, huh?"
Ofdensen, who had been doing paperwork for the last few hours, ominously nodded. He had formulated the perfect way to tell Nathan.
So when Nathan arrived, he noticed the strange feeling of tension in the air. He wasn't the most perceptive of people, but he could tell when something strange was up.
"What's up with you guys?" he asked, taking a seat to grab a drink.
Ofdensen cleared his throat and replied, "Well, Nathan, I did a last minute background check on Allison, and well..."
"What?" Nathan asked impatiently. "Spit it out."
"Well, you see, Allison was not born a woman."
Nathan was confused. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Skwisgaar clarified, "Nathan, you's banged a mans who turned's into a girl."
Nathan was blank for a second, letting that be processed. That hot chick that he just banged was actually a man? As soon as he realized what he had just done, he was utterly horrified.
"Noooooooo!!"
Murderface laughed, Pickles couldn't stifle a giggle, Skwisgaar was counting himself lucky it wasn't him, Toki flinched back, and Ofdensen felt a strange sense of satisfaction. Nathan had utterly messed up Florida, and he needed some form of comeuppance. This was fitting.
Later, that night, Nathan would spend several hours in the shower, scrubbing himself. He frantically whispered to himself that he was clean; it was fairly reminiscent of that time Murderface had that incident with the doctor.
Ofdensen wasn't terribly worried; things would eventually snap back to normal. They (almost) always did.
Allison was in the special limo Matthew had sent for her, very satisfied with herself. When she heard the vague sounds of a loud "no" echoing from the Mordhaus, she knew her vengeance had been achieved.
'Maybe there are some good things about being a girl...' she thought to herself.
And so, Allison Jones decided to make the most out of what she now had.
Still, poor, poor Florida...
A/N: Well, I did the best I could to keep this darkly humorous and stay true to Dethklok and CFO's characterizations. Constructive critcism is encouraged!