A/N: I found this in one of my old journals. It was one of those primary fanfictions that I had written before I got a little better and actually posted some stuff. This is pure crack. Sasuke is also OOC. And there is some Shika/Hina in this, just to warn…
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
-Had to be somebody-
It has been three years since the last Uchiha has been dragged back by Uzumaki Naruto. Three long years in which he had to be on close watch, under constant surveillance with no hint of peace. No jutsu, no missions. That had been his punishment, an easy yet mind-boggling boring sentence. For three long years… He had to live as a civilian.
He had trained for seven hours everyday to keep himself in shape, and the Uchiha had to admit, it was tiring without his usual amount of chakra. He had been given these seals that surrounded both wrists and ankles that activated whenever he channeled his chakra. It would send searing pain through his body, so much so that he was confined to a hospital bed for weeks afterwards.
He has been ready for freedom, and now that he had it, he wasn't sure what to do with it. He was free, and what was he doing instead of practicing jutsu or being off on some exciting mission? He was at the park, sitting on a bench, apparently doing nothing. One would think that the man was plotting something bad, some kind of revenge, but no. Uchiha Sasuke was there pondering over which traits a woman should have if she were to be the mother of the next line of Uchihas.
She would have to be strong, beautiful, and…She'll have to be a natural with kids. He thought. Beauty and strength are easily found in any kunoichi out there. They are necessary traits that they need in their line of work, but how am I going to find out if they're good with kids?
The sound of footsteps slowly approaching set him into action, the idea instantly popping into his head. I've found the perfect way to tell. "Transform!" A cloud of some enveloped Sasuke completely, revealing a small child with brown hair and large blue eyes. I can't just go around looking like myself, now can I? This is the perfect disguise!
A flash of blonde rounded the corner, followed by a loud exclamation. "Where the heck is my Sasuke-kun?" Yamanaka Ino.
He shuddered inwardly in distaste. He couldn't stand Ino, but if she could care for a child, he would consider her. He allowed himself to start crying, wailing actually, as a normal child would who needed comfort. He covered his face with his arm, peeking over ever so slightly in Ino's direction.
The blonde glanced over to the weeping child and rolled her eyes. "Annoying bozu…" She muttered before she walked off. (A/N: Bozu is an informal way of referring to little boys, like 'squirt' or 'kid')
Hn. It looks like that's a definite no. Sasuke thought, removing his arm from his face. Secretly, he was glad that she didn't like kids. Should he ever have kids with her, he had a feeling that they would be neglected. Now way would he ever allow that.
A flash of pink hair showed in the corner of his eyes. Sakura. He began to cry again. She's better than Ino, but just barely. Let's see how she'll handle it. He wailed loudly, eventually gaining the pinkette's attention.
"Aw~!" She ran over to the small child, ruffling his hair slightly. "Are you okay?"
She doesn't mind kids, but not all children are nice… I'll go for obnoxious. Sasuke cracked open his eyes, peering up at his former teammate with a tiny glare. "Go away." He growled.
She seemed taken aback for a few moments, but it was quickly replaced with a small smile. "Now, now little boy, I'm just trying to help you. What's your name?"
Sasuke turned away, crossing his small arms across his chest. "I don't speak to strangers."
A vein appeared on Sakura's face. She was quickly losing patience. "Little boy, I'll help you find your kaa-san if you want. You're lost, ne?"
"Don't go assuming things like that. I don't get lost big forehead-san."
The vein grew and her left eye began to twitch. "Heh, heh, heh. Little boy, you really should show more respect towards your beautiful elders like me."
"Old and beautiful don't mix, baachan." Sasuke huffed.
The medical nin finally snapped. "You listen here you snot nosed brat," she snarled, grabbing him by his collar and dragging him closer. "If you don't watch that smart mouth of yours, I'm going to get rid of it for you!"
A dark eyebrow rose. "Is that a threat obaachan?"
"You can take it any way you damn please you little-!"
"S-S-Sakura-chan!" an outraged voice called. "S-stop, that's no way to treat a c-child!" Rushed footsteps approached and Sasuke was gently pulled away from the woman's grasp.
He couldn't see who his rescuer was because he was still face to face with Sakura who now had a guilty look on her pretty face. Heh. Sakura, you could've been the mother of the next line of Uchihas if you had just played your cards right. Oh well, there's still plenty of kunoichi left in this village. The man-child thought dismissively.
"Gomen Hinata-chan… I just lost my patience is all. Tsunade-sama has really been working me lately. It has been thirty-six hours since I've last slept, and she's expecting me back at the hospital in an hour."
"Say n-no more Sakura-chan. T-though I'm not as well trained as you a-are, I think that I can manage your s-shift. You go home and get some s-sleep, alright?"
A grateful smile appeared on the pinkette's face. "Arigato Hina-chan. You are so kind."
"Don't be silly! You would've done the same thing for me!"
Well, this woman's stutter is going away pretty fast…
"Now go on, I'll take care of the little one here for you as w-well."
"Hai. Ja!" Sakura dashed off, leaving Sasuke cradled in the girl known as 'Hinata-chan's arms.
He was set down a few short seconds later and whirled around so that he was face to leg with a woman. He tilted his head back so that he could peer up at the woman. She had long indigo hair that cascaded in waves past her shoulder, reaching her waistline. She had a very womanly figure, he noted, and an innocent face to top it off. Kind lavender eyes met his for a second, a gentle smile stretched across her pouty lips.
Hn. She's okay in the looks department, and she's a jounin according to her vest… let's see how she'll respond to an obnoxious brat. "What are you smiling at weirdo?"
"I'm smiling at you." She knelt down so that they were face to face. "You seem to have gone through a tough day, so I'm smiling to let you know that everything is going to be okay."
Sasuke studied her for several moments then said, "You're dumb."
The young woman's lavender eyes widened briefly before crinkling in amusement. A soft giggle erupted from her as she quickly covered her mouth. "What makes you think that, little one?"
"Who would smile at someone else just to let them know that everything will be alright? Smiles can't fix everything. You are a baka."
"Now, now… You won't find any friends with an attitude like that." She scolded lightly.
She doesn't get mad, in fact, she pays me full attention and lets me get away with some things, but like a good kaa-san, she can be cross when she needs to be… I need to give her one last test before I decide on anything, though. Sasuke glared at her. "I hate you."
"Ah… I'm very sorry to hear that, but… I like you. Even if you hate me, I will watch over you until we find your okaa-san." Her smile was no less radiant, showing that her kindness was no less sincere.
Whoever this kunoichi is, she will be the mother of my children. He decided. "Onna, what is your name?" he demanded.
"I'm Hyuuga Hinata." She responded, ignoring the rude tone that he addressed her with. "What is your name?"
"You will marry me." Sasuke interrupted. "And you will bare my children."
Her eyes widened for several minutes before she burst into laughter. "Oh! Little one, that's cute, but, I'm a little too old for you! You shouldn't be talking of having children until you yourself are no longer a child."
Ugh. I can't just take this damn jutsu off in front of her, then she'll think that I'm some kind of weird pervert! He thought, cursing his luck.
"Besides," she continued, "I already have someone who I am to marry and have children with." She lifted up her left hand to reveal a sparkling ring. It had a large dark blue jewel in the center, surrounded with small white jewels on each side. It was an engagement ring.
"Hinata-chan?" A deep voice called.
Sasuke snapped his attention to the bend in the small trail, waiting to see who it was that was calling for his woman.
A man rounded the corner. He was a jounin like the female, he had narrow black eyes, a loop hanging from each ear, and brunette hair pulled back into a simple ponytail. Sasuke recognized the man immediately. Nara Shikamaru? He's the one after my woman? The Uchiha tore his gaze away from the approaching man to his Hinata. She wore a wide, inviting smile with a soft blush on her cheeks.
"Ohayo Shika-kun." She greeted.
"Ohayo." He grunted in return, his ebony eyes tore away from his fiancée to the small child who clung to the bottom of her pants, who was sending him a fierce glare as well as stationing himself between the two of them. "Who's the bozu? Are you looking after him for someone?"
"Hai. I promised Sakura-chan that I should wait with him until his kaa-san shows up."
"That troublesome woman… couldn't she have found someone else to watch over him? You were supposed to come over for lunch with okaa-san. She's been yelling at me nonstop all morning." He rolled his eyes. "And she won't shut up until you come over."
Hinata glanced from Shikamaru to Sasuke. "I'll go, but you'll have to wait here with the little one."
The lazy Nin was silent for a few moments, weighing the pros and cons. After what seemed like an hour, he finally sighed; a sign of resignation. "Hai. Go ahead."
A wide smile appeared on her face. "Arigato Shika-kun!" She danced out of Sasuke's small grip and gave her fiancée a small peck on his cheek. Glancing back only to give Sasuke a reassuring smile. "Good-bye little one!" She waved kindly before dashing off.
Now it was only the two of them Shikamaru and the disguised Sasuke…
A few moments of nothing passed before Shikamaru walked over to Sasuke and plopped down on the bench to his side, ignoring the hypothetical daggers that the small boy was sending him.
Hn. This will be good. Maybe I can scare this guy away from my woman. Sasuke opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted before he had a chance to utter a word.
"Can I ask you something, bozu?"
"What?" He snapped. All this bozu crap was starting to grate his nerves.
"Why the hell do you look like that?"
"Eh? What do you mean ojii-chan?"
The Nara sighed, ignoring Sasuke's outburst. "Listen, I don't know who the hell you are, but you had better stop this. I'll destroy you if you even think about doing something impure to Hina-chan… honestly, why can't you scumbags just ask women out the conventional way?"
This caused Sasuke to pause. "What do you mean?"
"All of the clan boys from villages all around here have been doing this sort of thing to Hinata ever since she turned sixteen. For two years I've had to defend her naïve self from weird perverts like you."
Sasuke's face went blank before going completely red with anger. "I'm no pervert, you lazy teme! I just wanted to check and see if she would be a suitable kaa-san for my children!"
Shikamaru sighed once again. "…Troublesome… Hey, why don't you release that jutsu already? We both know that I know that you're really a grown man. Hearing what you're saying and it coming from the mouth of a child is creepy."
A sigh escaped Sasuke's lips. "Whatever…" He brought his hands up in a handsign. "Release." Several moments passed, but nothing happened. "Eh? Uh… Release!" nothing again. "RELEASE!"
"Oh man… You're a real kid?" The lazy jounin quickly stood and gave the Uchiha a look of disgust. "You're a kid looking to have kids? Man, your parents must be really fucked up." He began to shuffle away.
"O-Oi! Where do you think you're going pineapple head?" Sasuke shouted. Why the hell can't I change back? Has it really been that long that my body forgot how to release jutsu?
"I'm going home to my fiancée. It seems like now I'll have to defend her from both children and grown men. Troublesome… Later kid, you can find your screwed up parents on your own. I sure as hell don't want to meet them!" he started to stride off.
"O-Oi! Wait! You need to help me change back!" The child shouted, trying to keep up with the man's long legs but to no avail. He was alone. "Damn…" he muttered and turned to face the empty park. "What do I do now?"
"Oh my goodness! Is that a lone child I see?" Maito Gai suddenly appeared at Sasuke's side and patted him on his head. "Do not fret little one, for I, Maito Gai will help you find your parents!"
"Get off of me, I don't have any parents!" He shouted with fear written across his features. Anyone but this guy! Hell, he'd take Ino or Sakura, just not this guy!
"No parents?" Tears began to waterfall down the thick eyebrowed jounin's face. "Then you are welcome to stay with me! I will turn you into the strongest shinobi…Next to my disciple Lee-kun, of course!" He picked up the struggling Sasuke and began to sail off into the moonlight, the sounds of his own laughter and the boy's pleas for help like music to his ears.
-Had to be somebody/end-
A/N: Wow… I can't believe that I posted this… It was all thanx to mai friend Caleb, who thought that you readers had a right to this very weird story… Oh well, please review!