Kill For You
I love you
They always have the same pattern.
A crash. A shot. A scream.
That is how the night settles around her cage.
Yet, there is one thing she cannot understand; one thing, that doesn't make sense.
I love you.
These three words are the last thing she hears before her own panting shoots her body awake. She can't really tell how long she has been having those dreams. It can be days, weeks, months, years. However, she has been having them long enough to start believing that those dreams are real. There is only so much a human being can take and although she herself went through hell and spent some time there, this scratching at the back of her brain every time she is about to figure out to understand this one thing is what really kills her. Because, every time she is so close to solving this maddening mystery, it's like her brain is putting up an endless wall to cover up the truth.
It makes her feel sicker than she already is. Not knowing what happened, not knowing what her own brain is hiding from her, not knowing what is going to happen. 16 weeks, that is how long she was trapped in her own body. And when she woke up from her coma, she woke up with no memory. Physically, she was fine. Some scratches, broken ribs, a couple wounds but nothing that is going to restrain her in the future. But there is no future for her as long as she has no past. It is erased from her head, and from her heart as well. Unlike her body, her mental health is broken.
Alex Vause has never been a saint. Nonetheless, she can't shake the feeling that she is missing something, besides her memory. This time, she fucked up big time. Not because she robbed the First National Bank and that final crime was the one that put her in the position she is finding herself in now. Not because her coma and physical state can no longer save her from her consequences. Not because she has been in solitary confinement for a while and has no idea how to survive the rest of her sentence in this square shithole.
Simply because she can't get rid off this scratching. Those dreams, nightmares, visions, whatsoever, they've been haunting her every single night ever since she almost managed to throw off the police and disappear with bags of millions of dollars for good. And with every night, they grow more intense. Actually, they have become so intense that she is barely able to distinguish reality from irreality. Sometimes, she doubts herself, she almost thinks that she can no longer say what is real anymore.
So the police and doctors decided for her to talk to a headshrinker, a person who is supposed to find every darkest corner and best hidden secrets inside her brain. Psychotherapy twice a week until her own name would no longer be the only thing Alex knows. There was a life she lost at this bridge where her car overturned at the highest pace and dollar bills filled the air, whilst her own lungs were running out of air.
I love you.
A headshrinker named Mrs. Chapman is supposed to fix her so she would be able to stand trial. The court cannot convict a brainless idiot. That is what all of this is about. Alex knows that, feeling this scratching again whilst she is waiting for Mrs. Chapman to clean and tidy up her mind. Not that Alex cares. She never has, she knew that a bank robber wasn't the most legal profession but that is a path she chose a long time ago. And until that disastrous ultimate coup, she was having a good run.
It doesn't matter anymore, though. They caught her and she is about to grow old in a prison cell. Sure, the trial hasn't begun yet because, the criminal has no memory. But Alex is no fool. Multiple armed assaults aren't nothing. And although she cannot remember, she is charged with murder as well. She is going to be in gaol either way. So what differences does it make if it is going to be a 20 year sentence or a 200 year sentence. Her life is over anyway.
I love you.
"Mrs. Vause?"
It's kind of strange that she feels like she has heard this voice before.
To be exact, it's more than strange because it belongs to her headshrinker, Mrs. Dr. Piper Chapman who is standing in the doorway, waiting for her patient to get up. So, when Alex's green gaze falls on her and she internally slaps herself for letting her brain fool with her again, fading out the lines between reality and fiction, she is actually surprised by the person in her view.
The blonde woman, who is definitely younger than her and probably a few inches shorter, is absolutely stunning; blonde long hair, big blue eyes that can keep secrets like the ocean and a silhouette that can be the one of a model. Alex hates talking but she would be willing to not only let this gorgeous doctor into her brain but maybe somewhere else, too. After a second closer look, there is no doubt about that. Alex lost everything, ergo she is free to do anything. Maybe not physically, rather morally. So, even if her psychotherapist is married, due to her title and the shining ring on her finger, Alex wouldn't hesitate to take every chance she would get.
Yet, why did this blonde beauty call her Mrs. Vause?
"Alex," she corrects her after that question stopped her train of thoughts.
She only realises that she's still sitting when the police officer grabs her upper arm. "Move inmate."
It is released when the dark-haired woman is on her feet and approaches Dr. Chapman's office. Though she stops her movements when the golden-haired woman asks, "Are they really necessary?"
At first, Alex has no idea what the blonde is referring to. But when she shoots a glance over her shoulder at the female officer, the handcuffs around her wrists instantly tighten. The officer gives Dr. Chapman a persistent look in response. However, the blonde woman seems to be persistent, too.
"I can't work like that. The therapy is meant to be relieving for the patients. That's not possible if the patient is physically in chains."
Young, gorgeous doctor: 1 - Old, irritating police officer: 0
The old woman lets out an annoyed sigh before she walks up to the two of them and takes off Alex's handcuffs.
"You're acting at your own risk, doctor," she tells her but Piper cooly replies with a cheeky grin on her face, "You have presented me worse inmates, officer Bell," and lets Alex enter before she closes the door behind them.
1st Therapy session
No one has ever analysed her before, as far as she can remember of course. Nevertheless, Alex can already imagine what it is going to be like. They are going to talk about her childhood, about her mother's death, about her criminal career, why she did those things she did, if she feels remorseful etc. etc. etc. Chit-chat and hollow deep talks. Awesome.
"Please, take a seat," Mrs. Chapman eventually offers.
Alex cannot remember the last time she sat on such a comfortable couch. Probably because she cannot remember half of her life.
Silly.
"You're a big thinker, aren't you?" Piper notices, unlike Alex herself who yet again almost gets sucked into the puddle of her thoughts.
Looking at the younger woman who is sitting across from her in an armchair that looks even more comfortable than the sofa, Alex replies huskily, "Probably because my brain is one big black hole."
"I hope we can beat your amnesia."
We.
That one word has in some way the same effect on her as the last sentence that always ends her dreams.
I love you.
Not wanting to let it under her skin, Alex tries to focus on the presence and absentmindedly says, "Sure."
But the brunette forgets that the woman across from her studied and went to college to read people. It takes more than apathy to fool her.
So she clears her throat before she starts, "I've read the police report but, I think it's unfair on you due to your loss of memory. So, tell me Alex, what happened that night? Is there anything you can tell me from your perspective?"
Here we go.
Alex knows. When she's going to speak up, Piper is going to enter her. Luckily, there is nothing inside of her that she can find. Still, it seems to be enough to capture her.
"Mrs. Vau- Alex," she sheepishly says, reminding the raven-haired woman that she isn't alone in this room.
Emeralds instantly see her and she eventually decides to give it a try, "I… shit, I can't do this."
Somethings overwhelms her, something that is similar to this scratching, but is more like a wave that hits her and makes her feel like drowning.
"This is bullshit," Alex suddenly blurts out and is faster on her feet than her brain can follow.
"Alex," the blonde calls, trying to stop her when she watches her walk out of the door.
I love you.
But she doesn't hear her, because she is already gone.
2nd Therapy session
A long deep breath falls from her lips before the words do. "I, uh, sorry. I didn't mean to storm out like this on Monday."
Piper just watches her, as they're in their same positions like the last time and when Alex can't figure out her facade, she adds with a smug grin, "I just really don't wanna be here right now."
"Yeah, you made that pretty clear."
Her mask eventually drops and she somehow smiles at Alex as she adds, imitating her low voice, "This is bullshit."
Alex only raises a brow at her and lets herself sink deeper into the couch, her eyes and mind already beginning to wander. There is this look on her face again, one that Piper knows although she knows her patient only from files that were sent to her. However, she sees that Alex is about to slip away. Luckily, her voice seems to be enough to pull her back.
"But, you do know that this bullshit can shorten your sentence? And can help you to regain some stability, normality, a life?"
"I'm screwed anyway, no matter how this thing here is gonna work out for me."
"That's it?"
Her thin brows are knitted when she stares at her psychiatrist. "What do you mean?"
"You just accept it, just like that?"
Eventually, Alex understands and the corners of her red lips rise. She places her glasses on top of her head and states, "I know what you're trying here, doc. It's not gonna work."
"What am I trying?"
"Trying to get under my skin, into my head, arousing my ambition. Those cheap mind tricks won't work on me."
This time, Piper isn't that fast at giving her an answer. Instead, her big sky-blue eyes linger on the brunette until a triumphant smile nearly gives her away.
Alex's gaze has already left her but immediately returns on her when she says nonchalantly, "In that case, we'd just waste your and my precious time because you still have to see me twice a week. Maybe we should just have sex every time you're here."
The blonde sees how Alex looks at her like a deer that is caught in spotlight. Alex doesn't even have the chance to argue with her as Piper tells her, softly chuckling, "What? You think I'm blind? I see the way you're looking at me, Alex. You've been giving me this look ever since the first time I opened the door and called you up. I would ask you if you want me right now but, as you're not much of a talker, I figured my question would be in vain."
Whilst she was still holding her gaze, Alex perplexedly asks, "Is this a test?"
"Do you still think this is bullshit?" she responds, giving her those big blue eyes.
But Alex doesn't fall for them, no matter how much she likes those oceans and mutters, "Yes."
"Then I guess you're not lucky today."
Was she really serious. Was she really considering to have sex with her.
Shit, she's already in my head.
As if she tries to rock her out of her head, Alex shakes her head and raises a brow at her. "Whatever kid."
Kid?
"Kid?" Piper asks, repeating Alex's internal question.
If she didn't question her, the brunette wouldn't have noticed that it was unnatural to call her that. Of course she is wondering where that word came from but, what is really dubious is the fact that it feels natural to call her that. It kind of makes sense.
"Okay, never mind," the blonde eventually says, yet again dragging Alex out of her monologue.
"What does the police report say?"
Alex has to know. There are only a few things she knows, her name, small parts of her life before that accident and her age. Other than that, there is a big emptiness inside of her and that police report seems to be the only thing that could fill her. Maybe it would be the trigger that would make her remember.
"I can't tell you."
Of course not.
When Piper sees the slightest hint of disappointment in her green eyes, she explains, "I'm sorry, but it's too dangerous. If you found out all at once what happened that night, it would literally overstrain you and your brain. You could get an aneurism."
"Well in that case, what are we waiting for? Hit me with the facts, doc," the raven-haired woman bluntly replies.
"I can only imagine what it has to be like- not knowing what happened, living in this state of absolute and utter unknowingness. But, that's why you're here, Alex. You will remember. I will help you."
Her words catches Alex's gaze, and she nearly forgets again. Forgets that Piper is a professional headshrinker who gets money for this. For listening, for being there for her, for helping her. She nearly forgets that this means nothing. It doesn't change the fact that she is really pretty, though.
She tears her eyes away when the blonde asks, "So, how have you been doing? How are you?"
"Why are you asking me that? Don't you find everything in your lovely police report?"
"Alex."
There is something about the way she says her name. It's familiar, it's warm. Is that some kind of soulmate shit?
Letting out a sigh, Alex is staring at the giant book shelf in the office as she tells her, "I'm good. Okay. Alive. I don't know."
There is a break but Piper just watches her, patiently waiting for Alex to continue and giving her the time she needs.
"I have nightmares," the raven-haired woman finally admits, running a hand through her dark hair.
"How long have you been having them?"
"Shit, I don't know. Days? Weeks? Months?"
The last words comes out with a shaky breath because, she really hopes that they haven't been haunting her for so long.
"Are you having different nightmares or-"
"It's always the same," Alex cuts her off, suddenly feeling nervous.
Only thinking about it makes her feel anxious. Nonetheless, she looks at Piper and when she sees those clear cerulean eyes, a burden falls off her shoulders. They are magic.
"It's actually just shreds of that robbery… but it has a pattern. It always begins in the same way, last night, the night before and the night before that night. And tonight it's gonna start that way again."
"How does it start?"
If Piper didn't have this comfortable intimacy inside her, Alex would have stormed out by now. But somehow, Piper being Piper is reasons enough for her to stay.
So Alex tells her, "A crash. A shot. A scream. That's all I hear."
And then there's this one thing in the end.
I love you.
Why does she feel so bad for not being able to remember what it really means?
"Alex, just because I can see you thinking doesn't mean that I can also see what you're thinking. I need you to talk to me," Piper reminds her and she has this cheeky grin on her face again that Alex really, really likes.
"I love you."
It simply fell from her lips, but when she notices Piper's stunned face and realises that it was totally out of context, she quickly continues, "That's what a voice says every time I wake up."
For some reason, Piper's expression on her face doesn't really change. Still, she asks, "Is it a male or female voice?"
"You're questioning my sexuality now, doc?"
She gives the blonde a cocky grin and the younger woman actually returns it. But their time is up.
"Inmate," a third voice interrupts, and Alex and Piper are separated again.
Though, when Alex walks out of her office, she can't get rid off this feeling. This feeling, that she's missing something.
8th Therapy session
It is a slow process, but that emptiness inside her head doesn't feel so empty , Alex isn't sure if they're getting closer to finding revelations or, if they're getting closer to each other. Neither can deny that something clicked between them when they first met each other. It's almost like they've known each other before.
But it's dangerous, too. Because the more Alex remembers, the more she forgets. Forgets that Piper must listen to her. Forgets that Piper must understand her. Forgets that they have an expiration date. Once Alex regains her memory, she will have to erase Piper. This is the outcome of this. And it's not the fact that Piper is married. It's not that Alex is a criminal with a fucked up psyche.
It's because there is still this scratching at the back of her head that appears every time she lets Piper deeper into her head and heart.
She is missing something.
"Maybe someday I'll be able to communicate with you telepathically."
That voice never fails to tear her out of her own brain like a rope. Green eyes focus on her, and Alex eventually vocalises her thoughts. "They placed a deadline."
"I know."
They have been seeing each other for a month now but, the big results are still missing. All Alex found out is that she was drugged, driving a car, and that somebody died that night. As she is charged with murder although she would swear that she didn't kill anybody.
She is missing something.
In the end, the court will not care if Alex knows or doesn't know what happened that night. So maybe Piper was actually right. They are just wasting each other's time. This is nonsense. And every therapy session is making it harder for Alex to accept her fate.
"When did you get that tattoo?"
It is her rope again, the one that can pull her out of her fantasy world and the brunette gives Piper a bewildered look.
"That one around your wrist… tribal? I'm not really familiar with tattoo styles," her psychiatrist admits sheepishly.
Why is she asking her about her tattoos?
Pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, Alex returns her blue gaze and says, "I got it when I was in Cambodia."
Actually, she is surprised by herself that she remembers. It wasn't something big. Nevertheless, it was something important.
"Cambodia huh? Such a beautiful country," the blonde comments and Alex can actually see that she is being honest.
"You been there, too?"
Her azure eyes are dreamy when she replies, "Yes but, it's been some time."
The way she says that, Alex can tell that the tables have turned. She found a way to get into Piper's head, too. Because, although her eyes are sparkling, that tone in her voice extinguish those beams within a second.
And for some reason, Piper adds, "I love Cambodia."
"Me too."
They spend the rest of the session talking about white beaches and colourful sunsets.
13th Therapy session
3 meetings. That is how much time they have left together. And due to this realisation, Alex feels like drowning. She can't tell if she was in relationships in her past life, that life before her accident. But she is pretty sure that this is how falling in love feels like. And somehow, she knows that Piper feels it, too. Something in her eyes, something about the way she speaks, something about her lets Alex know that it's not only inside her head. It's real.
As she got nothing to lose, she doesn't bother answering Piper's question, something regarding her nightmares, and boldly says, "I really like talking to you."
It comes out of nowhere and kind of snowballs the blonde. Though Alex is too sure that this isn't fake. None of it is fake. It can't be. Those feelings she has for her, those feelings she can see in Piper's deep oceans, they exist. And she is willing to sink to the bottom of them. No matter if she is going to die.
Yet, Piper doesn't seem to understand. Or maybe, she does but doesn't want to admit it. "I like talking to you, too."
And then she adds with a mischievous grin, "I mean, it can be really hard to keep you in the real world."
I love you.
She is missing something.
"You said that two persons died that night… at least, that's written in the police report. Who died?"
For some reason, Alex forgets about the last 10 seconds because that thing, this question, it's making the claws that are scratching at this wall inside her brain spikier.
It shouldn't bother her. However, it does.
"We really need to work on your conversation skills," the blonde teasingly says, trying to distract Alex from her own question.
But those claws are too deep in.
"Piper."
"You know I can't tell you. You need to find out on your own… and, to be honest, you probably should never get to read this report. And that's good."
"Says who?"
"I do," the blonde states, sounding almost as stubborn as Alex.
"You're not my wife or something. You're my headshrinker who is being paid to listen to me… doesn't mean you get to decide what's best for me."
This time, the therapy session ends earlier than usual, and they don't see each other for a week.
/
15th Therapy session
"You didn't show up on Thursday."
"I was sick."
And the brunette doesn't really lie because, Piper truly makes her feel sick. This love thing does this to her, making her insides turn and twist and her heart jump and stop and although she doesn't have those nightmares anymore, it's only because she can't fall asleep at night. Piper keeps her awake.
"You do know that we're running out of time, right?"
"I told you that this is bullshit, we're not making any progress. I'm still the same brainless idiot I was 7 weeks ago. All I know is that I robbed a bank, tried to escape and ended up in a coma. And that I didn't kill anyone."
"But you're charged with murder."
"It might have been an accident or something. Doesn't matter, I'm a criminal, the villain in this brainwashed story."
With those words, she catches her emerald eyes and Alex begins to think. It is an awful feeling to talk to someone who knows more about your own life than you yourself. Pure madness. So, who could have died? A cop? A person who was at the wrong time at the wrong place? She's getting a migraine from all this thinking.
Massaging her temples, she breathes out and says, "This is too much."
"And you want to read the police report."
"Smartass," the dark-haired woman teases and returns her gaze on her.
That smile. It gives her that feeling of coming home.
"Trust me Alex, we're closer than you think… but, if you really wanna read that report, I will give it to you in our last session. There might be some things in it that could help you in your trial. And I promised that I would help you, no matter what."
(I'll do anything for you)
Piper shouldn't encourage her. In the end, she is going to infect the brunette with her optimistic euphoria. And that won't keep her alive in her small cell. Time never flew this fast. In not even three weeks, Alex's actions will be her final downfall. She knows that she never feared the consequences. She always knew which risks she was going to take and that someday, this day would come. But having met Piper makes herself question her decisions. Maybe in another life, at another time, they would have made it. There is a slight chance that they could have a happy life together. Yet, time keeps running like the world keeps spinning and this slight chance has been six feet under before they even met.
Please stop thinking.
"Are you afraid?"
It's like she can read her mind. But, at the same time, isn't it her job to do exactly that?
"Of what?" the brunette asks her, fiddling with her glasses.
"Prison, the truth, the future-"
"Yes," Alex cuts her off.
Although she did it before, throwing in an a statement out of nowhere, her sudden response catches Piper off guard. When she is about to speak up to question her response, Alex beats her to it.
"I am afraid."
She is holding her blue gaze with such an intensity that Piper sees for the first time. It rips the air out of her lungs.
"I am afraid that I won't be able to forget you."
Their eyes are still locked on each other. "I am afraid of that, too."
Things are moving too fast for her light mind that she doesn't notice when the blonde walked up to her. What she does notice, though, is that she's standing in front of her, looking down at her with those pretty blue eyes that can outshine the sun itself.
And then she sits down on her lap, and for the first time, Alex can feel her. Piper's hands are cupping her cheeks to make her look at her and a sharp breath escapes her throat. She must be dreaming.
So, if it really is just a dream, Alex doesn't want to wake up. Neither does she want to turn her own dream into a nightmare. Eventually, she raises a hand to tuck some loose golden strands behind her ear.
"You're married," Alex breathlessly states.
But what is this statement supposed to do. It's some kind of reassurance for herself that she tried everything in her power to stop. In the end, it simply wouldn't work out.
Piper keeps holding her gaze when she whispers, "I know."
Then she leans down, slowly but not hesitantly, and when their lips meet, Alex remembers something she couldn't have possibly forgotten. Those lips, she knows them. It's impossible, though. And insane. They have known each other for only a couple of weeks. The only plausible explanation for this familiarity is that this reincarnation theory is true and they were once together in another time, in another life.
Yet, she can't get enough of the taste of those lips. It's special, and unique.
I miss you.
Piper's voice may not be the only thing that can kill her loud thoughts. When the blonde begins to kiss her harder and deeper, and moves one hand south and over Alex's body, her brain is empty again.
She wishes that they can stay forever like this. Or that she could freeze time and just escape with her before someone can stop them. Though it's sort of weird the more she thinks about it. They never really had this real psychoanalysing talks. It is more like they found each other in some twisted way. But that's absurd. Nonetheless, Alex truly didn't expect any of this to happen. Still, it did and now she feels the younger woman's breath hitting her chest. And every exhaled breath carries words that she cannot hear.
(I miss you)
"Sometimes there's nothing I want more than to finally get into your head."
Those are words she can hear.
"You'd just be in a giant desert, kid."
Kid. The word finds a way out of her mouth on its own. Alex doesn't intentionally says it. It just comes out. That feeling when it slips from her lips reminds her of a deja-vu.
And Piper seems to notice.
"Why are you always calling me that?"
"What?" the brunette asks with a smirk on her face, and Piper rises her head from her bare chest to look at her.
"Kid."
"Don't you like it?"
"No, I do but-"
Piper stops herself and her tongue traces over her lips before she explains, "there is always this look on your face when you say it."
"What look?"
She doesn't have time to describe it, though. After all, this is only a therapy session and due to the fact they both agreed that they shouldn't waste their time and eventually spent it having sex, as the blonde once suggested, one look at the clock rips them apart like a knife.
"Shit, they're here."
Whilst Piper is already on her feet and has started dressing herself, Alex only gazes at her, trying to memorise her, every single part of her. Sooner or later, she will have to face her fate.
So she gets up as well and, before an officer swings the door open, Alex grabs her face and gives her an almost never-ending kiss.
"Don't worry kid. You're already in my head… cause you're the only thing on my mind."
And the brunette believes that she is dreaming when she hears Piper's response.
"I love you."
That is the last time that Alex hears it and cannot reply. This is the last time.
"What do you mean the trial is today?"
"I mean that you must come with me right now and be on trial for your crimes."
But her therapy session. That report. Piper promised it. She promised.
"I need to see Dr. Chapman first."
The officer doesn't answer her, though. Instead, she gives Alex a confused look, a look that made Alex feel like a maniac.
"I have one last therapy session, that was the arrangement."
In the middle of the hallway, the officer abruptly comes to a halt and turns around.
"What the hell are you talking about inmate? You're having a nut loose?"
Alex doesn't understand. She is so close to overcoming that wall inside her brain. She is so close to stop this scratching. All she needs is Piper. She would save her.
"What? No. Dr. Chapman, my psychiatrist. You sent me there to regain my memory. My last session is today. I need to see her first."
Why does Alex have to remind an officer of an arrangement they disposed?
And she feels like throwing up when that woman begins to laugh until she sees that the brunette's facial expression hasn't changed.
"I think you kinda lost your mind in your cell, inmate. There is no Dr. Chapman."
Then she begins to laugh again, and whilst her legs start moving, Alex is too paralysed and almost doesn't hear the officer say, "You're really funny, you should tell the judge about this."
She hears those words, but they make no sense together.
Unit she finally remembers.
Happy new year everyone,
here's something to start your new year with
Cheers