Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals

Chapter 1: Heck Vs Heven

Beginning AN:

Please Note: This fan fic is deliberately made horrible as an attempt at parody or badfic. And I just felt like I had to publish it around now because of some joke related to when I publish chapter three. I would advise you to ignore this fic completely now since it's already becoming an old shame just as my last parody, but since it's already here and you've already clicked on this I guess you can critique it. If you don't like it, be sure to give reasons why. I don't intend on trolling, but if you want to take this fan fic seriously and be offended by it, you can. EDIT: More recently, I've came up with an alternative introduction, but this is more for the general series. This is the third installment of SBIG.

Welcome to SBIG! This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admittedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.

My real ANs after the fic are marked by a "Closing AN," and the ones in the middle are marked "Real AN." If it just says "AN," it's by the alter-ego who's writing this.

I do warn you that this will contain some spoilers in the canon series even though it will eventually diverge, and also to Ed, Edd n Eddy fans who have not seen the movie: beware. One chapter (I will not say which to give it a better impact) will spoil a major event in the movie.

Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass paladin. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

CHAPTER I

Al Card Badguy who was powerful vampire and also vamp hunter was at once on Fakebook (Get it like Faxbook but not which is like a joke from The pimpsons?) when he sudently got tweet from his boss Integra Heck who told him that vamperers and zombys where attacking forest.

"But isn't there spell kepeing other vamps outo? What going on?" he snarked like Noah from Total Dram Island but did not because noahs from a diferent anime.

"There no time to check out what. you must og to the sene of the criim."

So Al turned of his Facebook and got into his tank were he cept his gun the Jeckel and he got into the tank and drove off. But om the way, he forgot his tank wont mak it in time! "NO THERE MUST B OTHER WAY" he says before findin a broken fyre hidrant. water Was Shuting out like gizer or volcano.

"Hm interesting i can use this broken hytrent as a boost for my tank witch Wil then make me abel to fly using rocket boosters so i can go to forrest and figt the vampers and live up to my organizaton name and UNLEESH HECK on the badguys of corse witch is why my last name is badguy aktualy it is not the reeson why but i do not rilly follow my family name i am actualy a goodguy but for why im caled badguy is my family name; and i have bad past with my family who iis real badguy and gav me a badtime and showd he was badguy on me during the time i had in the past way back dering the past when i was kid but that aanother story taht I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT RIGHTS NOW."

Then he haerd screams and decided that the tim was now so he wet up on the water and uzed rocket boosters to fly through air and he landed in forrrest were the First Boss was fiting cops.

"It sure is fun to kill cops!" Said first boss, the vampire preist. And Then He went oer to the last cop who was blonde chick with nice boos. He then he grbbed her but furst saw alcard.

"WHO IS DIS GUY? HM?" "FOR UR INFOOMATION, I'M AL CARD! AND IM HIGHERED TO KILL YOU!"

"That's a stupid name, Alucard, I'll just call you Al instead."

Alucard glayred. "Don.t' I do not like it."

And then Al shot the zombys that the First Boss maid from bitting em. and we saw closee ups of his Bulets shooting guns at thm. BUT THEN HE DID JUST SHOT COP GIRL BY ACCENT?

"oops sarry" "Arght! Save me Pleese?" "Okay you want me to make you also vampir? You haz to be servent?" "ANYTHING PLEASE OKAY?"

But then Al saw Firt Boss Try to get up, so he turned into jiant mowth and eight him. Then he saw cop dying so he bit her fastly.

MEANWHILE IN THE HECKSING MANOR

The cop got up in bed and saw heself now with FANGS! VAPIRE FINGS! "wow tat realy did work afer all."

"Yes it did." someone walked in to say that qote just there, and it was INTEGRA. "Welcom to Hecksing."

Then Al entered the room! "Okay who is your name." "Sarah." "Okay seras now we go to traning."

"NO TRANEING NOW!" OIntegra shooted. "I did otopsy on the First Boss and found that he belonged to our other group Hevensing! That why there was vamp in london even through us and them has spel that keps non-us or Hevensing vampirs out of London, because IT WAS HEVENSING VAMPIRE! GO TO BASE NOW AND SERCH AND DESTROY TOES TRAIDERS!"

"But training!" Al wined.

"NO TRAINING! DIS SEREOS!"

MEANWHILE AT CHURCH HIDEOUT

Al took his tank and got Ceres in it and drove off into the hydrent. They then thook the boost and soon Alejandro and Sierra were on they're way to the hidou.

But when they brock in, they found Ned Faldners! The leeder of heveavansing! "I KNEW IT WA YOU! Stupid flanders." says Al.

"wogly wogly Mr. badguy(A)! I cammed to the dark side because i dont like working for good anymore." "GOSH! You evil peple make me sick... yuck!" "BUT NOW YOU HAVE FALLD FOR TRAP! ANDERSOM! KILL THEM!"

And then Alacard and Ser saw some shadow by church. It was the Final Boss of the fan fc, Alaxander Andrew! "And the god said to the Jesus LET THERE BE NO VAMPIRES, and so that is wyh ALL VAMPIRS MUST DIE!"

And then Bible apiered, and Fanders jumped into it, and bibel flew off, leafing the too vampirs to fit the Final Boss Anderson. But then gold bible pages cam in, and sealed the doors and window! The Hecksings cant not get oot! "Uh oh..." said Al.

But he had no time to say anythig elese, because Ander tuk a sord and cut off his head! But he is not ded and told Serah from mind "Drink my blood and get powerup to defeet the badguy." "No I will not I'm not monstar!" Wined Serah.

"Who you tocking to?!" Anderson aksed. But then bats flew in and reformed another Alucard! "Danggit now i haz to finish him myself. YOU USELESS SARA!"

"WHAT THE HEVEN?" asked anders "nOT AGAIN WITH THIS aLUCARD! wHAT ARE YOU, INVISIBLE?"

"Yar, There be no such thing as immorality." Say Al.

"ENOF IS ENOF! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MEDDLING HECKSINGS, AND THAT STUPID INTEGRA!"

"Scooby dooby du!" Aulcard says, and thus the Scooby Doo referance was fulfilled. "Oh wayt you made fun of Integer. I sorry, i have to kill you. this mitgh hurt OK?"

"NO WAT DA FU-"

"HEY! KIDS READ THIS! THIS IS WHY ITS K+ PULS AN NOT T! AND Y WE ARE HECKSING AND NOT HELLSING(B)!"

But then, al tuned into mouth and ate Anderson! And bible flew back in and F;anders came out and started creyeing.

"No didly o!" He cryed "my boyfriend is dead! We wheere lovers! I kill you!"

Then Alucard said, "Shut up," and shot him, and since Flanders had no powers unlike Anderson and his Jesus, when Flanders tried to shoot the bullet it did nothing and Flanders died. He was shot in the forehead which was ironic because the bullet hole left a mark kind of like the Bhuta religion even though Dlanders is Catholic so angles might see that and send him to the wrong afterlife by mistake. Or not since that's not how the afterworld works as you will see in chapter 12.

Al looked at Seras. "Hey you shoudl relly drink blood next time to get stronger yong grasshopper. Cuz what if I'm not here? Hm?" "Hey don threat me like kid!" then they laffed and got into Als tank and rode off to sunset. Or rather, sunrize! LOL.

But little did they no that there was worser peepol out there! Ok they kind of did because Integra phoned alucard with the massage "WHAT THE HECK DID YOU JUST DO FLANDEWRS IS DEAD AND NOW MY AND HIS PLANNED AGREED SPELL CAN'T WORK ANYMORE!"

"Oops..." Alucard said, then turned to Seras, "Seras please promise me that when you're more independant and don't need an Alucard to overshadow you that you will not do the mistake I just did."

"Which is?"

Alucard gave a dramea look. "NOW EVIL ARMY CAN INVADE!"

MEANWHILE IN CAVE

Ten hoolograhms were on jiant stone hands. They where talking bout someting... serket!

"hey. Flanders is ded." Says the leeder shadow. "We could macke an atack on london. BUT WHO WE SEND?"

"SEND ME. I GOD FITER." Says oine with lots of cloths covering face.

"NO JUST NOOOOO! We must test tem first. We don no how strong Al is. Send in jew 2." He ponted to shadoo of bishe guy and gy w/ peercings. "Okay now me and my scedond in comands haz to work on somethig." And his hologam vanished and so did hologrm of guy with odd glasses nd lab coat.

But then the leaders leader came in in hologram from! "hooy I'm cooming ovver and I need al ded oor oolse YOO ALL BE FIRED FOR BAD JOB EH"

Then everyone else lefted! Scarred about theyre leader leaders firing them. wut happens nex? Find out next tim, on Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals episode II: Valemtimes Day!

Footnotes:

A: Referece to Bart the General. I know, I'm editting this so that some of the more unoriginal parts are taken out, but I liked this enough to keep it in. But with some actual credit-giving where credit is due.

B: That's a lie. Even back when the first chapter was out, it was rated T.

Closing AN:

(Note that this was written before I went through and made some changes. I don't have anything new to say, all I did is fix up some spelling errors in this note since I think most of it still applies): Well, I'm not really that proud of this (like I said, I wanted to publish this ASAP so that a joke starting on chapter three would still be funny), but I did actually enjoy writing a few bits of it, such as the Alucard vs. Anderson fight. And still, I find it to be a little better than that Ed, Edd n Eddy parody I've written.

By the way, I do plan on improving the grammar and spelling in the later chapters. First, because it was a pain to try to both load this with typos and still make it comprehensible, and second, to add a touch of realism to make it look more like a genuine fan fic.