Title: I will never say goodbye to you
A/N: Okay, so here's a small one-shot for Glee. I hope you like it and please leave a review for me.
Rating: T for adult themes (If you think that I should change it to M, please tell me.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters. Otherwise we would see Blaine and 40 minutes per episode.
Warnings: Death!Fic
Summary: Klaine AU: "I cannot accept this! I just can't say goodbye to you."
"You don't have to, Kurt. I will never leave you." Kurt had always thought that a person's death would be the end of everything. Well, maybe true love can survive everything, even someone's death…
Darkness.
He knew that he wouldn't feel anything else when…
He couldn't finish that thought, it was still too painful.
But he knew that the moment would come when he had to be honest to himself.
To admit, that it will be over. That he would never see him again.
That couldn't be.
They were supposed to be together forever.
Nothing should have been able to take them apart form each other.
Nothing.
He promised that he would never say goodbye to him.
He couldn't break that promised!
It would be like… accepting what was going to happen.
It would be betrayal!
It wasn't fair.
Nothing of this was fair.
Where is that god that everybody believed in?
Who is he that he just decides over people's lives?
It wasn't fair.
This couldn't be the end.
They had so little time together.
It wasn't enough.
They were supposed to die together in their bed when they're ninety years old or something like that.
You cannot die at the age of 18.
You just cannot, that's not right.
Everyone told him to accept it.
Everyone expected from him to be strong for him.
But who was strong for him?
He was the only one, the only one who always…
He knew that he didn't act right.
He should be there for him as well.
He should help him.
He knew he was scared but he was scared as well!
Who would take care of him once he was alone?
How was he supposed to live a life without the love of his life?
It wasn't fair!
This had to be a dream, a very bad dream.
It couldn't be real.
He knew it was real.
And it wasn't fair.
How could he every live without Him?
It was raining. Kurt had the feeling that it was always raining these days. He couldn't remember the last time he saw the sun. He couldn't remember anything good.
It was all dark and dusty, it didn't feel like before.
When he was alone, he was down, but when he was with all the other he played a part in a play. He played the always happy guy, who was positive about everything. It was a lie, he knew it. He also knew that it was wrong.
His father told him every day that he should accept it, that he shouldn't hide it, because their time would be over soon.
He was sick and tired of wearing this mask. When he knew that he would die he ran away. He slept on the streets for a whole week, he didn't tell anybody where he was and whether he was okay. The police was looking for him, everyone was looking for him.
When he came home they were all so happy that he was alright, but he could see the disappointment in their eyes. He scared them to death. But what was the most important thing: Even he was looking for him. Although he was weak and sick and looked like a corpse, he went outside and looked for him. When he came home he was in hospital, he collapsed because he was so worried about him. That was the last thing that Kurt wanted. He wanted him to be happy, to enjoy life.
On that day he decided that he wouldn't show his feelings anymore. He wouldn't hurt the people he loved again, he wouldn't hurt him again.
Since then he was the happy guy with the sick boyfriend. Whenever somebody asked him how he was doing, he would say: "He's fine. Thanks, I'm gonna tell him that you asked, I bet he will be happy about that."
He didn't talked about that stupid illness. He hadn't talked one single time about it with him. Every time he tried to talk to him, to clear things up he always changed the subject. He didn't even noticed how much he hurt him with that attitude.
Kurt had built up a routine over those days. He went to school, sang in Glee practice. (He didn't really hear anything that Mister Schuster said, about him not being himself.) After that he went home to eat something and then he drove to him. He was at home now, that doctors said there wasn't anything that they could do for him anymore. They thought that he should be in a friendly environment.
"I am sorry, there is nothing more we can do. We can only wait until it's over."
When Kurt arrived at his house, he was angry. Glee club had been really stupid today, they should sing a song about their feelings and while everybody sang a very depressing song, Kurt sang "I'm walking on sunshine." Mister Schuster had talked to him; he was at the opinion that it wasn't right what he was doing. That he should wake up.
They had no idea. They weren't in his position.
He parked his car in the usual place and rang the doorbell. A minute later his mother opened the door. Kurt noticed that she looked bad. Her eyes were red like she had cried and she was nearly as pale as him. She looked at him with wide eyes.
"Oh my god, I am sorry Kurt. I totally forgot to call you."
"Uhm, is something wrong?"
Suddenly she started crying, Kurt didn't do anything to comfort her, he just kept staring at her.
"He's… he's at the hospital. The pain was getting too much for him and we had… They said… They said that it will be over soon. Maybe… maybe a few more days."
Kurt continued looking at her.
"What will happen in a few days?"
She looked at him in confusion.
"Kurt, he is dying. They brought him to the hospital so he can die without being in too much pain. He has only a few days to live. I think you should finally talk to him about it. Say goodbye."
She let out another cry.
"Blaine will die in a few days."
Kurt broke.
It was strange, he knew it for a few months that this moment would come. But to hear it out of his mother's mouth made it suddenly real.
He would loose Blaine.
Kurt drove around the country, he couldn't make his way to the hospital. He didn't want to see Blaine lying in a bed, dying. He just couldn't.
It was his Blaine after all.
Blaine, who was always funny.
Blaine, who was always polite and the perfect son-in-law.
Blaine, who made him develop courage.
Blaine, who was always there for him.
Blaine, who made him laugh so many times.
His life.
Kurt stopped the car in the middle of nowhere. He couldn't do this anymore. He had tried so hard to hide his emotions because he was scared of them. He didn't want to feel the loss.
After the night he ran away he hadn't cried a single time.
Not when Blaine finally got the message that the chemo didn't work and he wouldn't survive this.
Not when they celebrated Christmas, although they both knew that it would be their last one together.
Not when Blaine was so weak that he couldn't finish the song he wanted to show Kurt.
He didn't cry. He always smiled and said how wonderful everything was.
That was over now. He couldn't play that game anymore. He just wanted to go away, far away.
He started the car and drove. When he reached a crossroad he stopped. He knew that if he would turn left he would drive back to Lima, to the dying Blaine.
If he would turn right he would start a new life without all those sad moments.
Kurt stood there for what felt like an eternity. Tears were running down his cheeks.
Finally he turned the engine on and grabbed the driving wheel.
He turned left.
When Kurt reached the hospital he was still crying. He didn't know what he should say to Blaine. He knew that Blaine didn't like the way Kurt had acted. Kurt had been so silly, he should have comfort his boyfriend instead he just built up wrong hope and didn't help him to accept it.
He stood in the waiting room when a nurse came to him.
"Excuse me honey. Are you alright?"
Kurt shook his head, he wasn't really crying anymore, the tears just continued running down his cheeks.
"Are you looking for somebody?"
Kurt cleared his throat.
"My… my boyfriend. Blaine Anderson."
"Okay wait a minute, I'm gonna take a look which room number he has."
The nurse went away but only 3 minutes later she came back with a sad look on her face.
"Okay honey, your boyfriend is in room 342. You can visit him now if you want to."
Kurt just nodded and went to the room.
He hated hospitals. But what he hated even more was the fact that he would be alone very soon.
Kurt stood in front of Blaine's room. He knew that he should knock but his arms felt like they were made of some sort of metal, they were just too heavy to lift them up.
Suddenly the door opened and a woman came out.
"Ah, excuse me. Are you here for Blaine?"
Kurt just nodded.
"You can go to him. He's a bit tired because we just gave him the morphine but he's still awake." She smiled at him and left, leaving the door open.
Slowly Kurt walked into the room.
Blaine was lying in a hospital bed and even though most of his body was covered in sheets Kurt was shocked to see how thin he was.
Blaine looked outside the window. Although Kurt was quiet like a mouse, Blaine suddenly turned around and faced his boyfriend.
Kurt gasped.
He had seen Blaine almost every day in the last few months but now he noticed that he never really had seen him.
His face was pale; there were dark circles under his eyes. His skin looked grey, it didn't shine anymore. He looked… dead.
The only things in his face that looked still like Blaine were his eyes.
They were tired and full of pain and sadness but they began to shine once he saw Kurt.
Blaine held out his thin hand for Kurt to take it. Like in trance Kurt went to the bed and took it.
"Hey handsome."
Blaine's voice was weak and Kurt could see that he had to concentrate to get those words out right. The morphine was starting to work.
Kurt couldn't say anything. He just stared at his boyfriend.
"Please, sit down on my bed. I want you to be close to me."
Kurt shook his head.
"Uhm… No."
Blaine looked sad and confused.
"You… you don't want to be close to me...?"
"No, I mean, I don't want to hurt you."
Kurt spoke very quietly and Blaine had to listen very carefully to understand everything.
"You could never hurt me, Kurt. Please sit down. I want to feel you. I need to feel you."
Finally Kurt sat down beside Blaine. He looked at their hands which fit together so perfectly well. They were destined for each other, Kurt had no doubt about that."
"Kurt, we need to talk about this."
No, no, no, please don't make me do this. I am not ready for this, please don't. Don't make it real, please don't leave me!
Kurt's mind was screaming these words but the words that left his mouth were different words: "I am scared."
Blaine sobbed. "Me too. Kurt please, look at me. Let me see those beautiful eyes of yours."
Kurt looked into Blaine's eyes. How many times did they try to watch a movie but ended up looking into each other's eyes?
"I am dying. I know that this is hard for you. It's probably even harder for you than for me, but… I don't want to hurt you Kurt. I love you. I love you so much and I had so many plans with you."
Blaine had to stop and Kurt could see that he was fighting the morphine.
"You should sleep, Blaine."
"No!" Blaine sighed and took deep breaths. Well, as deep as he could while all of his organs were shutting down slowly.
"I need to do this now."
He swallowed.
"I am scared for you Kurt. I cannot go without knowing that you're going to be okay."
"How can I be okay? You just said that you couldn't leave if I don't accept it, so don't leave, okay? I will never accept it and if I can keep you with me that way then I'll do it!"
"Kurt, please. I am dying. My whole body is nearly useless by now and it's not working any more. I am so tired. Tired of being treated like porcelain." He smiled at the mention of Kurt's nick name. "Tired of being sick. I want to live, Kurt. I want to be healthy but it's something that I cannot be any more. I don't want any more Kurt. If it weren't for you I would be happy to know that it will be over soon. That way I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. I want to be free, to be healthy and to breath without feeling like my chest is going to explode! You need to let me go, Kurt. Please."
Kurt started crying.
"No! We have so many things left to do! We wanted to get married, remember? We wanted to adopt kids and we wanted to die together when we're old enough to die! This isn't fair!"
"Of course it isn't fair, Kurt. But we cannot change it. We just have to accept it and make the best out of it."
"There isn't anything good about this! It is over! We cannot make the best out of it, everything's bad now!"
"No Kurt, it's not. I just want to be with you. I always wanted to be with you. I am even happy if I just can take a look at you. I want you to be by my side as long as you can. Please don't leave me."
"I told you that I would never say goodbye to you."
"I don't ask you to."
"And how do you want to do that?"
"Because I'll never leave you."
Kurt didn't leave the hospital. He slept in a spare bed in Blaine's room, he didn't go to school and he was wearing Blaine's clothes.
3 day after he came to Blaine the doctors said that it was time to say goodbye. To say goodbye! Kurt lay next to Blaine who was asleep most of the time. He tried to stay awake as much as possible but he was too weak for it. He had the highest dose of morphine to make the pain go away. It worked- most of the time.
They didn't talk. They just held each other and looked into each other's eyes.
On the fourth day everybody came to say goodbye. Blaine had refused to take the whole dose of Morphine; he wanted to be awake and to have a clear head on his probably last day. Kurt could see that he was in pain, but Blaine didn't seem to care.
The New Direction came together with Mister Schuster and they sang The Killers' song "Goodbye, travel well." After that the Warblers came and they sang "The circle of live" from The Lion King. Every one was crying. Everyone except Kurt. He didn't look up, he just stared at his boyfriend who was crying and hugging all of his friends one last time.
He only left the room when Blaine's parents came to say goodbye. Since Blaine became ill their relationship had growing but it still wasn't the typical mother-father-son relationship. They weren't angry when Blaine asked them to leave him alone with Kurt.
When Kurt went into the room after Mister and Misses Anderson had left her son for the last time he was totally exhausted.
Blaine looked bad. There was no other word for it. Only the lightly shining in his eyes showed that he wasn't dead. Yet.
Kurt went back into Blaine's bed.
"Do you remember our first time? At first we were lying in the same position as we are now."
Blaine smiled at the memory.
Kurt continued talking, since Blaine was too exhausted to talk that much.
Sometime during the evening Blaine started to cough blood.
Kurt held a towel underneath his mouth every time his boyfriend coughed again. Every single cough broke his heart a little bit more.
"Blaine?"
"Hmmm?"
"I don't want to see you go. I don't want to say goodbye."
Blaine swallowed. He needed a few times until he finally got the words out.
"I told you that you don't need to say goodbye. I love you and I will find a way back to you. I will never leave you."
"You can't know that."
"Oh yes I do. And I'll be waiting. And when you're old you will die next to your husband and your children in a bed at your home. And when… when you're coming to heaven, then I'll be there and show you the way. We will be together again."
"I don't believe in stuff like that."
"You will, Kurt. You will because we will see each other again at that place."
They were both crying now. It was nearly midnight when Blaine coughed nearly the whole time and he couldn't get that much breath into his lungs anymore.
"Si…. Sing…. Sing for me, Kurt. Sing."
Kurt swallowed down the tears and started singing with his shaky voice. There was only one song he could remember the lyrics then.
You make me feel like
I'm living a teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep,
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back.
While singing Kurt looked into his boyfriends eyes. Somewhere during the song Blaine said: "You were my life Kurt. I love you."
Then shortly before midnight Blaine Anderson closed his eyes for the last time.
Gone.
The person he loved the most was gone.
His room was empty.
His scent was gone.
He would never see him again.
He would never sing with him again.
They would never watch a movie together.
They would never discuss the newest fashion trends.
They would never kiss again.
He was alone.
The funeral was the worst day in Kurt's life. Even his mother's funeral wasn't that bad.
Everybody was there, everybody was crying.
Kurt wasn't.
He didn't left the grave yard when all the others went away. He didn't react to any of the things the others were telling him.
It was getting dark.
It was raining.
Kurt didn't notice any of this.
He was finally crying.
"Blaine, why did you have to leave me? I cannot live without you, I don't know how! Please come back to me, Blaine. Don't leave me. I need you!"
Shortly before midnight he didn't have any tears left. He looked up at the sky but instead of stars there were only clouds.
They had watched the stars so many times together. Blaine always loved them. He was fascinated by the thought how big everything was and how far away the stars were. Suddenly Kurt remembered something that Blaine had said shortly before they cancelled his chemo therapy.
"It's unbelievable, right? Those stars they are so far away and we will never see them from a short distance but they are always there. Even if you cannot see their shade, once the clouds are gone you can see them again. They are always there, although we cannot see them all the times and cannot touch them. We are never alone."
Kurt sobbed.
"I love you Blaine. I will never say goodbye to you."
The wind came. The clouds were leaving and a few minutes later Kurt could see the stars and the moon. It was like magic. In one moment the sky was full of rain and now there wasn't a single cloud left.
Then Kurt saw a shooting star. Then another one, and another one. Kurt looked at his watch; it was a week after Blaine died. It was the exact time like when he died.
He suddenly didn't feel alone any more. He looked around to see whether anybody was at the grave yard as well, but there wasn't one single person to see.
He looked back to the sky.
"Blaine?" He whispered.
Another 2 shooting stars were in the sky and Kurt started to laugh.
"You will never leave me, right?"
Another shooting star.
"I love you Blaine Anderson. You were my life, and now you are my star. We will see each other again, I promise."
A/N: So did you like it? Please leave a review, to let me know. It would mean so much to me!
I am also working on a multi chapter story for Glee, which should be up very soon.
Thanks for reading!