Moonlight on the Chair in the Corner
I don't own Gundam Wing.
…Duo Maxwell stole my heart away from my hands…
After the second war, we had roomed together, finding "peace" in each others personalities. We both joked about Quatre and Trowa being together, how much they suited each other and understood each other. A couple times, Duo would hint at wanting someone like that. I always thought he meant Hilde because he had befriended her so easily. She was always able to steal her away from the apartment for drinks and he would come home, spilling out of her arms, and she would always stay the night in his room. I guess I always figured they were sleeping together.
One night, those two came prancing in, drunk as fuck, cheering some lame song that they had made up and gone off into Duo's room. I sat in front of the TV, something Duo had gotten me hooked into doing, pressed mute, and listened.
Nothing. No noise, no springy mattress, no voices.
I turned off the mute and watched the rest of my show, not even paying attention to it after the first ten minutes. When it ended, I got up and knocked on Duo's door, and again, nothing. It wasn't locked so I walked in silently and found Hilde by her self on the bed. I looked frantically for Duo and found him fast asleep on the chair in the corner. It was apparent to me then that they weren't together, and as a wave of relief engulfed me, I reached out to touch him, stricken with a desire I had never noticed before.
The window behind him let the moonlight illuminate his round cheeks and his chest between the opened shirt. There was a slight smile on his face and I let my outreached hand brush his bangs aside enough to reveal his closed eyes and his eyelashes that caressed the moonlit rouged cheek.
I thought for a second, what do I want here? I pried through my mind, past images and memories, words, promises, touches in the night, visions of a clear midnight sky, and found myself panicking on the spot. My breath got shallow and my knees became weak which forced me to sit on the armrest.
I glanced around the room, for one to make sure Hilde wasn't awake and watching my unexpected illness. For two, to see what Duo's room looked like. I had never been in there before.
Black lined most of the fabrics, but blue adorned the walls. Not baby blue or aqua, but a dark blue. A blue that swallowed me into the underworld on a tiny boat with no oars. I stifled a laugh because after all, Duo Maxwell was the self proclaimed God of Death. A four poster, canopy bed in dark wood, probably mahogany, covered in black fabric, matching dresser and entertainment armoire, and mirrors on his sliding closet doors. My eyes settled on the accessories. There were deodorants and brushes piled on top of the dresser on the other side of the chair. But right in front of his eyes was a picture inside a silver picture frame. It was small and the dark in the room made me reach for it to be able to see it.
I knew then and there that I needed to be here, next to Duo while he slept, figuring him out, and taking him in for all he was worth. And he was worth it all.
The picture was of the two of us at the end of the war. That stupid, stupid boy had managed to trick me into a picture and he stood behind me, his arm draped lazily over me as I gave him a side swept glance. His eyes were so bright and when I tilted the picture into the moonlight to see it better, I noticed that though his eyes were unafraid, his cheeks wore a heavy pink.
I smiled at that, knowing in an instant that what I felt was love for the braided boy.
I've never forgotten that day, how just needing to know that he wasn't sleeping with Hilde made me tear into his room and then rip apart my heart and put it together completely under his nose.
I didn't know my heart harnessed such depth for someone like Duo, but I'll be the first to admit that I was wrong. I slipped out of his room after seeing the picture and sidled under my, also black, sheets. I never had a better night of sleep before that time in my life.
That morning, after Hilde left, waving at an obviously hung over Duo, after I watched hungrily from my home on the couch, Duo came and sat next to me wondering what I was watching.
I remember flicking my head to the side, able to see deep into those indigo eyes, and said only one word: You.
The look on his face had been priceless, something between surprised, disbelief, disgust, and amusement. After that though, I don't really remember all that happened. Images and feeling still race through my mind of needing to prove myself, and his eyes closer to mine than I had ever thought about before. I remember that his skin was smooth and his taste was salty, his breath was warm and his sweat was cold.
I had made love to him right there, and I was completely aghast as to why he was willing, although I didn't ask him until after my passion was inside him and his passion was between us and spilling over onto the couch.
He answered with an ever so simplistic: Love. That one word was enough to steal my own heart out from under me and send it flying clear across the widest ocean and into Duo's body.
That was only the first of many, and every time after, it only got more intense. There would be times when we would be out with the other pilots and I'd feel his foot rub up my calf under the table and he would get this adorable innocent look on his face, and the next thing we knew we were in the tiny phone booth of a room, not caring that the other twenty or so customers in the place could hear us. No one dared knock on the door of the booth, and I was glad as he twisted under me and grabbed my mouth in a tender kiss. The only downside was that I couldn't finish him off because as unruly as we were being, I didn't want anyone else to have to clean up our sloppy and sudden mess.
We came out of that booth laughing and sweaty, still clutched in each other arms and heaving at the expense of what we had just done. It was only about two minutes of victory before the rest of the gang, who had heard the whole thing and were waiting for us in front of the booth, stepped aside and revealed a very embarrassed looking owner who had rags and spray bottles in his hands. Without a word, Mr. Owner handed us the means of making the booth sanitary again, and we gladly took them, still laughing at our spontaneous outburst.
It always amazed me that when we were together, I was never embarrassed about my orientation. That booth experience had everyone in that restaurant, café, bar, whatever the hell that place was, looking at us in disbelief, but Duo was laughing so hard that I couldn't help but laugh back.
We would occasionally still make fun of Trowa and Quatre but when they tied the knot, it made me think of a life with Duo. I couldn't believe that I had never thought about asking him to marry me! I mean, we had come out together and I felt like I was constantly walking on water, and creating miracles. Our two bedrooms had become one bedroom and a guest room. Our house had been adorned in pictures of us together and pictures of the other pilots. Black was everywhere in our house… black and little touches of dark blue. We had made love on every square inch of surface in our house, and I had never even thought to ask him to marry me.
I decided that I wanted Duo for my own for the rest of my life and so sought to find the perfect ring for my beloved, when one night, we got in a fight.
I was trying to keep it a secret that I wanted to ask him, but apparently he thought he would ask me first.
At first, I was completely happy to say yes, but then I got angry, because I wanted to ask him and not the other way around. He was waiting for an answer and my train of thought went directly to its old self again: if I said no, it would clear the way for me to ask him later. And so I said no.
I didn't even take into consideration the heartbreak that saying no would cause Duo and his face fell. It just crumbled in his hands and the pieces slipped through his fingers and fell to the floor. I realized I needed to explain and as I started, he cut me off.
"But I thought… we were so happy Heero." He whimpered into my chest as I held him. I was so angry at myself for what I did, that in that instant, I let Duo run off and out of my life.
That was the worst month of my life. But also the most productive. I had found the perfect ring for the perfect boy.
That month of our split, Duo had taken to bringing random guys home and sleeping with them, loudly. I tried not to let it get to me, and every time, after those guys left in the middle of the night, I would sneak into Duo's room to find him crying on the chair in the corner. He would always look me straight in the eyes, not afraid to hide the heartbreak that I had done to him. And when the ring finally arrived, I took off of work to pick it up and raced home to find another guy in Duo's room with him. I waited patiently, and, I'll admit, angrily, pacing the hallway in front of Duo's room until the stupid bastard that was sleeping with the man I loved, crept out in the middle of the night. As usual, I snuck into the room and found hi crying on the chair. And as usual, he looked me in the eye and said something from the pain in his heart. This time, I didn't bow my head in shame, I smiled. The biggest smile I could muster at seeing him so sad and I thought he was going to explode at me. I cut the tension, however, by walking straight up to him, bending to my knee and pulling the ring box out of my pocket (rather clumsily, to which he gave me a confused look) and presented the ring. It was a double layer, dark platinum for the bottom, and the skinnier top layer was white gold. The contrast was more noticeable in the moonlight from the window that silhouetted Duo's head.
He breathed restlessly, his confused look still in place and I explained. I explained everything, the train of thought that went through my mind, how I wanted to wait and ask him when I had found the perfect ring. His expression drew blank until he leaned forward and rested his head on my shoulder.
"Color me mortified." He whispered to my chest. He repeated that phrase about a thousand times, clinging to my shirt, not able yet to look up at me. Finally, amidst the thousand phrases repeated, I heard a very soft, yes.
I've always heard that make up sex was the best, but I didn't know it could be that good. And from that night on, the sex became even better than it was at first. We decided to try new things, new toys, new positions. Duo always managed to find the weirdest stuff and we always tried everything once, but in the end we knew what we liked and stuck to it.
It was a cold night in autumn, while making love, that while I leaned over Duo's back, beating him off with my hand while pounding into him, Duo started shaking uncontrollably. I asked him about it, and he shook his head before throwing up on the bed and collapsing underneath me. All I could do was sit there dumbstruck.
We figured he just had the flu, and so we didn't do anything drastic. I took care of him, giving him toast and broth to eat, though he hardly ever kept it down. It was three weeks later that we decided to have him checked out. He had laid the seat back in the car and started crying out of discomfort. I reached across the car and grabbed his hand, holding it the whole way to the hospital.
After the initial exam and questioning of symptoms, the doctor had him checked in for a couple night stay and a blood test. I was with him as often as possible, taking off of work to visit in until I was kicked out.
I remember, it was a Tuesday morning when the doctor had come in with the results of the blood test. I'll never forget the panic on Duo's face as he couldn't cry.
He had contracted Aids.
I threw up twice that morning before the doctor sent me down for my own blood test. They had to give me a little pack of juice and a protein bar before I got the blood drawn. I sat next to Duo's bed a half hour later. He hadn't looked at me, talked to me or touched me since the news had been delivered. And it would be another 5 hours before he was able to move.
"Heero?" He asked gingerly.
"Yes, love?" I answered.
"This is my fault isn't it?"
"No!" I chocked out. Duo and I were both virgins before we took each other and so if it hadn't been for my selfish wish, Duo wouldn't have gone off with all those guys, and thus wouldn't had contracted Aids.
Or given it to me. My test had come back positive, but I hadn't had any symptoms of it yet. I couldn't even think of myself, I could only think of the suffering boy in my arms. The infection was spreading fast through him and he needed immediate treatment.
The chemo was to start, but first they wanted to cut off Duo's hair. His hair! I chocked back sobs, and he clung to my shirt as he had so many times before, wailing in protest as they cut off his braid at the nape of his neck. They let him keep it, but he couldn't even look at it. I decided then, to let my own hair grow out.
The infection and therapy left Duo thin and frail. When he was able to go home after a long stay in the white hospital, he closed himself off in his dark room. We fought over such trivial things, about how the chair was placed, or what show to watch, and even what side of the bed to sleep on.
We had sex still, considering that both of us were now infected, but it was never the same. It was always slow and careful and sometimes we couldn't finish because Duo would start to turn pale and I would get worried. He got so mad at me for getting worried, until one day, we stopped having sex altogether. We didn't talk like we used to, and silence seeped through the walls until I couldn't take it anymore.
I started to sleep on the couch with the TV on. That didn't last long, as Duo's shakes had returned and he came crawling out of the room, crying, no, howling in the middle of the night. I carried him into the room and held him close, never able to get him close enough. That night, we decided to get married as soon as possible. Duo apologized for his behavior and said something that rattled my bones.
"The silence scares me Heero!" I never left his side from that night on.
Quatre and the gang had been solemn to say the least when we had first told them, but as it got worse for Duo and harder on me, they started to support us in ways that we never expected. When I quit work to stay with Duo, Quatre paid for our apartment. Trowa would do our laundry ever couple of days, as we ran out of clean sheets quickly and he would clean our house. Wufei set up our rushed wedding, but though rushed, Wufei had made it amazing.
As Duo had once noted, Howard was our Officiant. He stood under a setting sun on a warm beach; Duo and I were barefoot, with the gang plus Relena, Hilde, Sally and Catherine as our witnesses. Duo was so brave that day. He had mustered up enough strength to make our wedding day as if nothing was wrong. We danced a little and ate some light food before heading home. A honeymoon wasn't in store for us.
It was a good thing we didn't go on a honeymoon because right about then, I started feeling a little woozy. I would get these pounding headaches and I couldn't see straight. Both Duo and I ran a fever of 102 at the same time while the gang took care of us.
It was right about then that depression hit us hard. Duo and I would cling to each other under the sheet; we could only sleep with one because we would get the night tremors and sweat. One night, Duo went to bed early and I stayed up watching some animal rescue show until movement in my peripheral vision snapped me away.
Duo stood at the door, another bundle of messy sheets in his hands, blood dribbling down one corner of his mouth, yellow staining the white pants he wore. It was then that we knew it was coming to an end.
Duo had caught pneumonia and was shipped to the hospital again. Since we were married and he was dying, the hospital let me stay with him overnight. I couldn't sleep though, not while listening to the steady beep of the heart monitor. I just sat in the chair, next to his bed and cried. Sometimes I would doze off, only to wake up in a panic that caused me to throw up. Sometimes I would just start crying. I would be looking at his face while he slept and only imagine how much I was going to miss him. His hair was still short, and mine had gotten long enough to start a short braid. It didn't look nearly as good on me as it did on him but he noted it and smiled at it every time he was awake.
Duo's last night was a mess for me. I couldn't stop heaving into a bucket the nurse had given me so that I didn't have to leave Duo's side. He looked so frail and thin under the white sheets and I couldn't stop looking at his face, into his eyes. He simply smiled weakly at me as a cried over him. He squeezed a weak squeeze to my hand to get my attention.
"Smile for me Heero. Smile like you would when we had sex in public places. Smile like you did when we first said I love you. Smile for me the last smile I'll ever be able to see… And it better be a good one." He chuckled a little before coughing up blood.
I felt a little glimmer of warmth inside of me from the memories Duo had retraced, and I found myself smiling through the tears. The smile turned into a chuckle and the chuckle turned into a laugh. I had started laughing, remembering the stupid things we did with each other. The tears still fell, harder if possible, but still I laughed. I laughed because it was all I could do now. I had cried, fumed, and fought, and all that was left was to laugh. I wiped my tears back to look Duo in the eye.
"I love you, Duo." I managed. He smiled back.
"I love you too, He-ero." A little inflection on my name was all that was left of his former self that he could give me.
Duo died on a warm Saturday afternoon in June.
I sat at home, in front of the TV during the day, and in front of the chair in the corner of the room at night. I never paid attention to the TV anymore but at night, I would notice the moonlight on the chair. The chair that duo was in when it first occurred to me that I love him. Sometimes I could swear that I saw his figure and my heart would pound and I would get up and go to the chair only to have his figure washed out before I reached it.
The exhaustion from his death had taken its toll on me. At Duo's service I couldn't speak. I couldn't move, I could hardly breathe and passed out a couple of times. I just stared straight ahead at nothing in particular. I was barely aware of the gang around me, not only because I was demolished into nothing, but because I couldn't see straight to save my life.
Save my life? Oh, the irony. I was dying, and I knew it.
I was put into the hospital the day after his funeral. I clung to Duo's braid as they cut off my own. I couldn't explain the wave of anguish that flooded my body as they handed me my braid. I had Duo's in one hand, and my own in the other. It was a terrifying moment for me, as I knew how close I was to dying.
As I laid in the hospital bed on my last night, I watched and listened to the people passing by in the hallway and on the street below. Quatre, Trowa and Wufei were in the room, sitting silently.
I heard my own heart monitor beep slow down and I closed my eyes, a vision of Duo in his prime filling the vast expanse before me and I let out one last laugh as I remembered the time in the phone booth room.
The voices around me were distant and warped, like a tape that had been played one too many times. And then I heard it.
A familiar voice called my name and I smiled, floating into space.